an unsettling truth
So last night after work, i sat up writing a letter to joe. I know he wants to hear from me, but i can't send what i wrote. They say you're not supposed to send anything that would be depressing at all to a recruit. Problem is, i haven't had anything good to write about, so i'll edit the letter to only talking about him i guess. I was told once that where ever i go, depression follows in my wake. the people i touch emotionally or mentally always end up hurting over and over again. I was once blamed for someone losing their sense of humor. another person changed so drastically once, that i could hardly tell who it was on the other end of the phone. I don't do well with trusting, and it never gets better, and i'm always proved right in the end, but i'm still a miserable person because of it. I'm trying to be happy despite of who i am and always will be, but like everyone says; depression follows in my wake. Even if i can find someone new eventually, or just an excuse to be happy, i'm sure the trend will continue. i thought i'd fixed most of my problems, only to look back and realize they were always there. just when i think i've become a good catch, and know that my spoiling and kindness has helped me be loved, i realize that im not appreciated for these things, and known only for my short-comings. i mean well... i really do. i'm rarely short on money, and even when i don't have any on me, it will always be just a miscalculation, because i've got money set aside for whatever may come around. I rarely say no to helping someone, and even though i may complain a lot, i really do enjoy helping people out, whatever the situation may be. I'm kind, romantic and on good days, attractive... all these things mean only one thing to most people... i'm easy to take advantage of. compliment me a lot to boost my low self-esteem, and you'll gain my favor. I'll take you out and spend lots of money on you. you can always get away with whatever you want, because no matter how hurt and angry i am at first, i'll always forgive you, no matter what i say. i don't know where i'm going with this... i guess it just helps to know that people read this, and that way i know someone is listening to what i'm thinking... look, i don't have a lot of the phone numbers people must have given to me... i dont know if i misplaced them, or forgot where i planned on referencing them... So my number is 517-749-2182... im not asking for people to call and feel sorry for me, i just thought id put it out there in case anyone decides that i'm worth their time, lol. honestly, i dont need people to just humor me by calling if they honestly don't want to, i just dont want to be forgotten. I'll be okay in a few months, i'm just still a bleeding heart, walking around doing the minimum requirements to survive right now. sorry if i seem out of touch with reality...welcome to my world. This is who i am when i'm alone.