selfless, cold and composed
i wrote a long confessional type entry about this year trying to face problems of being vain and selfish, and the various ways that i have
a) repeated said problems
b) learned about said problems
c) seen and heard representations of said problems in the media
and d) attempted to address said problems
i have a tendency to often make the 'cool' decision over the more challenging 'honest' decision, stemming from some low self esteem and a massive urge to protect myself at any costs. this has led to recurring disappointments for a long, long, long time now. i've had a hard time keeping my head up lately because i'm so busy looking down at my pocket mirror.
however this year has also been a year of speaking straight from the heart which has worked wonders on my self esteem. i feel like i am starting to truly detach myself from an old way of looking at life, and it's very much thanks to friends and reaching out. owen, alyssa, jay, mattie, maggie, deydra, kayle, sacha, dulcie, lowell and ashley all deserve an entry of their own, which is exactly the kind of project i'd like to take on.
i can't wait to go home. i think i'm going to find what i'm looking for there in some way or another, whether it's a fight or a major reconnection with my parents, epic adventures or lazy evenings with my friends, deep conversations or casual jokes with my brothers, great stories and advice or polite dinners with my relatives. hopefully it's all of the above.
there are quite a few things i need to say before i leave and a few conversations which really need to happen. i feel weirdly distant from lowell and ashley which is just strange because this whole year has been lived in the hope that we'd be closer, and that's to say nothing of my other friends. i guess the one goal before i leave is to reach out to them and say something.
there's a lot of weirdness and miscommunication on my part right now stemming from an attempt to express what's deep down implicitly rather than directly due to my own vanity and by now i think i've learned better. i've spent too much time trying to be cool for someone who's so over trying to be cool.
so here's to my last four days here. it's been a long, crazy year and it's only just started!
* * *
here's a great music video by can-rocker Joel Plaskett featuring the lovely Carolyn Malloch and the beautiful Ashley Poitevin. Carolyn is all over the first half of the vieo, she's the girl with the deep red hair doing really hilarious stuff; Ashley is the badass standing to Joel's left at the end of the video, with the dark hair and the white shirt and the black dress. she's really cute, you can't miss her. ; )
http://youtube.com/watch?v=GKDgkcx9ric
by the way, Plaskett puts on a WICKED live show, the whole time he's spinning in circles dancing and telling jokes and shredding the guitar, just a pure show man. the rest of his music is much more roots rocky, this song is definitely a fun anomaly for him.
* * *
tomorrow i hope to spend a long day at work and then post some of the retro video clips for you guys to see, arrange a coffee date or two for the next few days with faces i haven't seen in a while, hopefully take a look at the apartment where i may be living come september (probably should get this living situation figured out for gooood), make phone calls, and get plenty of sun and exercise on my bike. i should have been in bed an hour ago.
a) repeated said problems
b) learned about said problems
c) seen and heard representations of said problems in the media
and d) attempted to address said problems
i have a tendency to often make the 'cool' decision over the more challenging 'honest' decision, stemming from some low self esteem and a massive urge to protect myself at any costs. this has led to recurring disappointments for a long, long, long time now. i've had a hard time keeping my head up lately because i'm so busy looking down at my pocket mirror.
however this year has also been a year of speaking straight from the heart which has worked wonders on my self esteem. i feel like i am starting to truly detach myself from an old way of looking at life, and it's very much thanks to friends and reaching out. owen, alyssa, jay, mattie, maggie, deydra, kayle, sacha, dulcie, lowell and ashley all deserve an entry of their own, which is exactly the kind of project i'd like to take on.
i can't wait to go home. i think i'm going to find what i'm looking for there in some way or another, whether it's a fight or a major reconnection with my parents, epic adventures or lazy evenings with my friends, deep conversations or casual jokes with my brothers, great stories and advice or polite dinners with my relatives. hopefully it's all of the above.
there are quite a few things i need to say before i leave and a few conversations which really need to happen. i feel weirdly distant from lowell and ashley which is just strange because this whole year has been lived in the hope that we'd be closer, and that's to say nothing of my other friends. i guess the one goal before i leave is to reach out to them and say something.
there's a lot of weirdness and miscommunication on my part right now stemming from an attempt to express what's deep down implicitly rather than directly due to my own vanity and by now i think i've learned better. i've spent too much time trying to be cool for someone who's so over trying to be cool.
so here's to my last four days here. it's been a long, crazy year and it's only just started!
* * *
here's a great music video by can-rocker Joel Plaskett featuring the lovely Carolyn Malloch and the beautiful Ashley Poitevin. Carolyn is all over the first half of the vieo, she's the girl with the deep red hair doing really hilarious stuff; Ashley is the badass standing to Joel's left at the end of the video, with the dark hair and the white shirt and the black dress. she's really cute, you can't miss her. ; )
http://youtube.com/watch?v=GKDgkcx9ric
by the way, Plaskett puts on a WICKED live show, the whole time he's spinning in circles dancing and telling jokes and shredding the guitar, just a pure show man. the rest of his music is much more roots rocky, this song is definitely a fun anomaly for him.
* * *
tomorrow i hope to spend a long day at work and then post some of the retro video clips for you guys to see, arrange a coffee date or two for the next few days with faces i haven't seen in a while, hopefully take a look at the apartment where i may be living come september (probably should get this living situation figured out for gooood), make phone calls, and get plenty of sun and exercise on my bike. i should have been in bed an hour ago.