Wow.
So..I just want to start this lj saying "Fuck do you ever complete me"..but there'll be more on that later on, as I need to deal with the none mushy stuff first ^_^.
Friday, before I left Oxley, I wrote an lj expressing a very pessimistic view on the house, a view that did exist in my head as we drove up to Oxley..But no where near so dramatic :/.
More/less..Yeah, there've been times I've felt pretty isolated at house, and that there were few people I could really relate to..Not so much because we were incredibly different, but I guess because loads of people are always stuck in their own worlds (myself included)..
However, this weekend everybody's world was the same world. Oxley was each and every one of our worlds. All the problems outside of Oxley were exposed, blended, and absorbed. All the people talking to one another, letting each other in, and letting themselves out of their bodies. Seeing that kind of unity was rather nice, and in a sense, did spark the hope in humanity I've been seeking.
It's very unfortunate to know that things like that can only happen at places like Oxley, with people who've experienced what our group has. I won't let that realization take away from what Oxley meant to me, but it's horrible knowing that back in the real world, we're all trapped in our own worlds.
A few things that really meant a lot to me:
-The atmosphere+seclusion..Being taken out of my world gave me a chance to appreciate another
-Things some people said or did: Karen, Dagz, Emily, Ron, Bry, Danielle, Kaila, and Percy.
Some of those people may be obvious, others..Maybe not so much. There were also others that may have done/said something to make me feel the way I did when leaving that weekend..But it were those 8 people who really struck a cord with me.
-The slide show..Seeing an old me made me smile, and how even then I was never very far from Kaila kind've creeped me out ^_^.
-Group hug..The things some people said were quite nice.
-Reconciliation...When Karen gave me that really big hug.
-Every moment I spent with you...Those one's meant the most to me.
Overall, this weekend just felt really good, and the feel of being a family..A real one..Was nice.
I regret not opening up more, but I can't change what's already happened.
I also wish we could have had more time to spend with our small groups..Especially since mine included somebody that I needed to resolve some things with.
This Oxley was the best Oxley yet, but I guess I feel kind of guilty..Because I've never gone to Oxley feeling so happy before, and I'm damn grateful for having been able to feel that happy..But I think it kept me from getting into the mood needed to truly open up..Well, that, and my closed off personality :P.
At one point or another..I really wanted to talk about my mom, though nothing I could have said would have changed the way things are..And I still don't know how the whole situation is going..But from the looks of things, it's all downhill from here :/.
I also wish I would have confronted Bry while at Oxley. There were so many things I could have said, but always that one large detail that held me back. I missed her..And hearing the things she said didn't help that cause. However, I got a second chance tonight..And after talking for an hour and a half (which is why I'm up so late writing this lj now >_<)..things may work out. Obviously it won't be an overnight thing..And that's still that large detail I need to make peace with..But she's one of the people that's helped me be who I am today; so I at least owe her a second chance. Owe myself a second chance..
This is probably where any sane person would stop reading and skip to the end..
But if you're one of those insane people who gets off to cheese, then..be my guest ^_^.
Fuck, I don't even know where to start with you, so I don't think you need to worry about an ending. Honestly, you made this weekend for me. Just thinking back to last year..And how miserable I was not being able to talk to you because I'm a fuck up. How I was a drifted that entire weekend. Thinking back, I don't think I ever could have imagined this weekend to go anything like this. Thinking back, I never thought I'd have these kinds of feelings for you. Thinking back..I didn't think these kinds of feelings could ever exist for me.
You've brought something out in me that nobody else could find. When I smile, it's because you're in my life. It's because I'm in yours. It's because you want me there..That you need me there as much as I need you in mine.
You didn't need to tell me how you felt this weekend. You didn't need a speech to show me how much you cared. Looking into your eyes. Holding onto your hands. Arms intertwined. Hearts beating to the same rhythm. I could feel your love then, and I can feel it now.
Nothing will ever compare to you, happy ending or not, you'll always be the one to hold my heart. Any other figure will only have its shell.
I love you so much, and I know the months to come will only put to shame those that have passed..Which is a scary thought on it's own.
Thank you for giving me this last chance to show you how much you really mean to me.
I love you.
Heh, I warned you it'd be gross.
It's 1:21am though..And there's really not much left on my mind atm..Though, once in bed, I'm sure that'll change.
Things I need to worry about in the near future:
-School Tests
-Job
-Old friends
That's about it though.
Everything else is perfect.
And on that note, I'm going to go crash, and contemplate skipping tomorrow :/.
Goodnight :).
And..IT'S MARCH BREAK NEXT WEEK. WOOOHWOOOH.
Thank you for showing me what it is to feel the sun from both sides.
I love you.
Friday, before I left Oxley, I wrote an lj expressing a very pessimistic view on the house, a view that did exist in my head as we drove up to Oxley..But no where near so dramatic :/.
More/less..Yeah, there've been times I've felt pretty isolated at house, and that there were few people I could really relate to..Not so much because we were incredibly different, but I guess because loads of people are always stuck in their own worlds (myself included)..
However, this weekend everybody's world was the same world. Oxley was each and every one of our worlds. All the problems outside of Oxley were exposed, blended, and absorbed. All the people talking to one another, letting each other in, and letting themselves out of their bodies. Seeing that kind of unity was rather nice, and in a sense, did spark the hope in humanity I've been seeking.
It's very unfortunate to know that things like that can only happen at places like Oxley, with people who've experienced what our group has. I won't let that realization take away from what Oxley meant to me, but it's horrible knowing that back in the real world, we're all trapped in our own worlds.
A few things that really meant a lot to me:
-The atmosphere+seclusion..Being taken out of my world gave me a chance to appreciate another
-Things some people said or did: Karen, Dagz, Emily, Ron, Bry, Danielle, Kaila, and Percy.
Some of those people may be obvious, others..Maybe not so much. There were also others that may have done/said something to make me feel the way I did when leaving that weekend..But it were those 8 people who really struck a cord with me.
-The slide show..Seeing an old me made me smile, and how even then I was never very far from Kaila kind've creeped me out ^_^.
-Group hug..The things some people said were quite nice.
-Reconciliation...When Karen gave me that really big hug.
-Every moment I spent with you...Those one's meant the most to me.
Overall, this weekend just felt really good, and the feel of being a family..A real one..Was nice.
I regret not opening up more, but I can't change what's already happened.
I also wish we could have had more time to spend with our small groups..Especially since mine included somebody that I needed to resolve some things with.
This Oxley was the best Oxley yet, but I guess I feel kind of guilty..Because I've never gone to Oxley feeling so happy before, and I'm damn grateful for having been able to feel that happy..But I think it kept me from getting into the mood needed to truly open up..Well, that, and my closed off personality :P.
At one point or another..I really wanted to talk about my mom, though nothing I could have said would have changed the way things are..And I still don't know how the whole situation is going..But from the looks of things, it's all downhill from here :/.
I also wish I would have confronted Bry while at Oxley. There were so many things I could have said, but always that one large detail that held me back. I missed her..And hearing the things she said didn't help that cause. However, I got a second chance tonight..And after talking for an hour and a half (which is why I'm up so late writing this lj now >_<)..things may work out. Obviously it won't be an overnight thing..And that's still that large detail I need to make peace with..But she's one of the people that's helped me be who I am today; so I at least owe her a second chance. Owe myself a second chance..
This is probably where any sane person would stop reading and skip to the end..
But if you're one of those insane people who gets off to cheese, then..be my guest ^_^.
Fuck, I don't even know where to start with you, so I don't think you need to worry about an ending. Honestly, you made this weekend for me. Just thinking back to last year..And how miserable I was not being able to talk to you because I'm a fuck up. How I was a drifted that entire weekend. Thinking back, I don't think I ever could have imagined this weekend to go anything like this. Thinking back, I never thought I'd have these kinds of feelings for you. Thinking back..I didn't think these kinds of feelings could ever exist for me.
You've brought something out in me that nobody else could find. When I smile, it's because you're in my life. It's because I'm in yours. It's because you want me there..That you need me there as much as I need you in mine.
You didn't need to tell me how you felt this weekend. You didn't need a speech to show me how much you cared. Looking into your eyes. Holding onto your hands. Arms intertwined. Hearts beating to the same rhythm. I could feel your love then, and I can feel it now.
Nothing will ever compare to you, happy ending or not, you'll always be the one to hold my heart. Any other figure will only have its shell.
I love you so much, and I know the months to come will only put to shame those that have passed..Which is a scary thought on it's own.
Thank you for giving me this last chance to show you how much you really mean to me.
I love you.
Heh, I warned you it'd be gross.
It's 1:21am though..And there's really not much left on my mind atm..Though, once in bed, I'm sure that'll change.
Things I need to worry about in the near future:
-School Tests
-Job
-Old friends
That's about it though.
Everything else is perfect.
And on that note, I'm going to go crash, and contemplate skipping tomorrow :/.
Goodnight :).
And..IT'S MARCH BREAK NEXT WEEK. WOOOHWOOOH.
Thank you for showing me what it is to feel the sun from both sides.
I love you.