Love is what you make of it, and what it makes of you.
Fuck does this weekend ever keep getting more and more...There's really no word to describe it.
I just downed 500ml of milk, and 4 pizza pockets....And I had a massive dinner already. Tonight I'm eating for two (but I'm not pregnant >.<).
This weekend was overall pretty amazing.
It had some incredible high points, and yeah, there was a brief time frame where, at the time, I really wish I could have slept through, but I don't expect to have any good moments in my life, without some bad one's to counter balance it. Then again though..I don't really believe in that universal balance bs, so I don't quite know why I'm so content with taking the bad with the good.
Fuck though, as I type this, my mind's in a totally different place. I'm thinking about love..And not just my love, but just..General love. The extremes people feel it...For who, why..It's such a complex thing, that will always end in tragedy. However, people will do anything to be a part of that ending. Again, why? Why will people do so much just to feel...Something..Anything. As long as it's shared..Even if it means getting the shit beat right out of them..
I don't know why anybody else does it, and I'm sure I could bs a few good reasons, but I can't speak for everybody about this subject. I know why I'd do anything for this feeling, and it's not to be loved back, or to even feel whole..This feeling does make me feel whole..But that's not why I'd do anything for it. The feeling itself is actually pretty irrelevant to me. It's who I feel it for that matters so much. And it's her that I'd do anything for, just to see her smile, even if I can't be the one to make her smile.
Again though..This isn't about me and how I feel, for now. This is about that damn feeling. And a lot of people think they've never felt it..A lot of people sometimes don't even realize what it is they're feeling until it's way to late..So here's a word of advice: If there's somebody in your life that you'd be willing to do anything for, somebody who's been there for you, despite you not wanting them to be..Somebody who you can't bear to see sad...Who can make you feel any particular way, simply by the words they say...Hold on to them, and never let them go. Because if that isn't love, then I don't know what is.
Love is something often felt, but hardly ever shown.
A word abused, to never feel alone.
A lonely night filled with thoughts of you.
Another day shared by few.
A feeling so precious that could not possibly last.
A lifetime's worth of memories gone by to fast.
And it doesn't always last..But sometimes it does.
And it's heartbreaking to see something so beautiful digress, but sometimes it does..
And when it does..You can only remember the times you felt it, and cherish the times it felt you.
This was all pretty random though..
Especially if you don't know what I'm actually thinking about atm :/.
Onto something a little less..Ehm though...
I'm pretty stressed for school right now.
And I'm awake with Adam, since we both can't sleep.
And it's freezing rain out still..But I really think we'll have school tomorrow..
So my lack of productivity tonight is going to depress me immensely tomorrow..
But some days you just really can't do anything..And tonight feels like that.
And I feel shitty for not working towards the future I want..
But I feel shittier saying that and knowing I can't change tonight.
Something that really got to me this weekend was my mom though..
I noticed she's digressing..Mentally. Isolating herself, and letting a lot of things get to her..More then she normally did. And her paranoia levels have sky rocketed..And I think she's miserable, though, she'd never talk about it...
Paradoxically, my dad's been happier lately..And I've been making a lot more jokes with him, seeing him laugh more..And it's really great..
But there's something serious wrong with this picture.
And it's something I can't fix.
Lack of control..Is hard to accept.
Now, back onto something a little more...Messy..
Another one of the reasons my weekend was both iffy/amazing is because of that feeling I described as something to always end in tragedy.
Love..It's something I've felt quite a few times in my life..
However, I've only been in love twice.
And the two times I have felt it aren't even comparable.
The first time..I don't know..It was a really weird downhill kinda feeling, and looking back on it, I felt worse much more then I felt better...And when I was feeling good, it wasn't even always because of the girl I loved. I don't doubt that I loved her..I just can't identify a real reason why. I think it's because I could relate to her..And talk to her like I couldn't with a lot of other people.
Now..The current time, on the other hand..I've got a better grasp over. This love makes the first love seem like...A crush :/. This love makes me feel a lot better, much more often, then it makes me feel worse. This love is something that will never die, no matter what happens with me. It's something that was probably lingering in me long before I ever realized it, and it will more then likely stick around long after I want it to. This love is for a person that means more to me then I could have ever imagined, because I never saw myself caring like this..For anything, at least, any time soon. For somebody that's tolerated much more of me then I could have tolerated myself..And stuck around, no matter how fucked up I was. And it's for those reasons that I'm willing to do the same for her. No matter how little she wants me around, or how little faith she ever has in me, I'm going to be there for her.
Mind you, it won't always be easy, and I'll for sure think of growing a back bone, being a prick, and bailing..But I think we've both seen how that ends up, and no matter how much I'd like to think of myself as independent...You're the person the one person that disproves that theory, because without you around, I really do feel like a part of me is missing, and that's not a part of me that I'll ever be willing to let go of, at least, without putting up one hell of a fight.
I love you, and I hope you never forget that.
This entry was really long though..
And I'm really screwed for tomorrow..
So I'm going to end this now and maybe do some work (or pass out).
What sparked me to write like this is still pretty messed up..
And it's going to me tough to watch over the next few days..
But my fingers are crossed..
And my mind hopeful..
But like I said..
All love's end in tragedy..
However, the greatest tragedy of all is to never find your place in the story.
Bed though :).
Or bio..
Please let it be an ice day tomorrow..
PLEASE.
Oh, and forgive my ambiguousness
It's a 3am thing >_<.
I just downed 500ml of milk, and 4 pizza pockets....And I had a massive dinner already. Tonight I'm eating for two (but I'm not pregnant >.<).
This weekend was overall pretty amazing.
It had some incredible high points, and yeah, there was a brief time frame where, at the time, I really wish I could have slept through, but I don't expect to have any good moments in my life, without some bad one's to counter balance it. Then again though..I don't really believe in that universal balance bs, so I don't quite know why I'm so content with taking the bad with the good.
Fuck though, as I type this, my mind's in a totally different place. I'm thinking about love..And not just my love, but just..General love. The extremes people feel it...For who, why..It's such a complex thing, that will always end in tragedy. However, people will do anything to be a part of that ending. Again, why? Why will people do so much just to feel...Something..Anything. As long as it's shared..Even if it means getting the shit beat right out of them..
I don't know why anybody else does it, and I'm sure I could bs a few good reasons, but I can't speak for everybody about this subject. I know why I'd do anything for this feeling, and it's not to be loved back, or to even feel whole..This feeling does make me feel whole..But that's not why I'd do anything for it. The feeling itself is actually pretty irrelevant to me. It's who I feel it for that matters so much. And it's her that I'd do anything for, just to see her smile, even if I can't be the one to make her smile.
Again though..This isn't about me and how I feel, for now. This is about that damn feeling. And a lot of people think they've never felt it..A lot of people sometimes don't even realize what it is they're feeling until it's way to late..So here's a word of advice: If there's somebody in your life that you'd be willing to do anything for, somebody who's been there for you, despite you not wanting them to be..Somebody who you can't bear to see sad...Who can make you feel any particular way, simply by the words they say...Hold on to them, and never let them go. Because if that isn't love, then I don't know what is.
Love is something often felt, but hardly ever shown.
A word abused, to never feel alone.
A lonely night filled with thoughts of you.
Another day shared by few.
A feeling so precious that could not possibly last.
A lifetime's worth of memories gone by to fast.
And it doesn't always last..But sometimes it does.
And it's heartbreaking to see something so beautiful digress, but sometimes it does..
And when it does..You can only remember the times you felt it, and cherish the times it felt you.
This was all pretty random though..
Especially if you don't know what I'm actually thinking about atm :/.
Onto something a little less..Ehm though...
I'm pretty stressed for school right now.
And I'm awake with Adam, since we both can't sleep.
And it's freezing rain out still..But I really think we'll have school tomorrow..
So my lack of productivity tonight is going to depress me immensely tomorrow..
But some days you just really can't do anything..And tonight feels like that.
And I feel shitty for not working towards the future I want..
But I feel shittier saying that and knowing I can't change tonight.
Something that really got to me this weekend was my mom though..
I noticed she's digressing..Mentally. Isolating herself, and letting a lot of things get to her..More then she normally did. And her paranoia levels have sky rocketed..And I think she's miserable, though, she'd never talk about it...
Paradoxically, my dad's been happier lately..And I've been making a lot more jokes with him, seeing him laugh more..And it's really great..
But there's something serious wrong with this picture.
And it's something I can't fix.
Lack of control..Is hard to accept.
Now, back onto something a little more...Messy..
Another one of the reasons my weekend was both iffy/amazing is because of that feeling I described as something to always end in tragedy.
Love..It's something I've felt quite a few times in my life..
However, I've only been in love twice.
And the two times I have felt it aren't even comparable.
The first time..I don't know..It was a really weird downhill kinda feeling, and looking back on it, I felt worse much more then I felt better...And when I was feeling good, it wasn't even always because of the girl I loved. I don't doubt that I loved her..I just can't identify a real reason why. I think it's because I could relate to her..And talk to her like I couldn't with a lot of other people.
Now..The current time, on the other hand..I've got a better grasp over. This love makes the first love seem like...A crush :/. This love makes me feel a lot better, much more often, then it makes me feel worse. This love is something that will never die, no matter what happens with me. It's something that was probably lingering in me long before I ever realized it, and it will more then likely stick around long after I want it to. This love is for a person that means more to me then I could have ever imagined, because I never saw myself caring like this..For anything, at least, any time soon. For somebody that's tolerated much more of me then I could have tolerated myself..And stuck around, no matter how fucked up I was. And it's for those reasons that I'm willing to do the same for her. No matter how little she wants me around, or how little faith she ever has in me, I'm going to be there for her.
Mind you, it won't always be easy, and I'll for sure think of growing a back bone, being a prick, and bailing..But I think we've both seen how that ends up, and no matter how much I'd like to think of myself as independent...You're the person the one person that disproves that theory, because without you around, I really do feel like a part of me is missing, and that's not a part of me that I'll ever be willing to let go of, at least, without putting up one hell of a fight.
I love you, and I hope you never forget that.
This entry was really long though..
And I'm really screwed for tomorrow..
So I'm going to end this now and maybe do some work (or pass out).
What sparked me to write like this is still pretty messed up..
And it's going to me tough to watch over the next few days..
But my fingers are crossed..
And my mind hopeful..
But like I said..
All love's end in tragedy..
However, the greatest tragedy of all is to never find your place in the story.
Bed though :).
Or bio..
Please let it be an ice day tomorrow..
PLEASE.
Oh, and forgive my ambiguousness
It's a 3am thing >_<.