college triviality
I did it mostly for myself, but I'm not going to lie, she is probably the most important reason I quit smoking.
Su Bei stands literally half a foot below me, and I didn't even notice how in shape her body was until she said she danced because my eyes were always fixated on her face, and the way her hair bounced and grazed the side of her neck when she walked. I always tend to notice a girl's facial features before anything else.
"I know it's weird," she said the first day I met her, "that I'm Chinese but I'm in a Polynesian dance group at school"
I mumbled something about how it wasn't weird, and how I found it very cool, for a lack of better words. I would kick myself later for not saying something more interesting or relevant, and go over each of my statements and realize what an ass I probably made of myself while talking to her. I didn't do as bad as I thought, because from then on, we talked every time we saw each other, and inevitably I found myself growing closer and all the more dependent on her presence.
It's funny, the effect a girl will have on me. Maybe I'm weak, or overly romantic, or worse, a combination of both. Imagine this: a young, skinny, medium-length-but-bordering-on-long haired guy wearing somewhat tight clothing that accentuates his 110 pound frame even more. He strives for that tortured artist look, often acting grim and hip, smoking about a pack every two days despite the respiratory problems he's had since he was a child, his only saving grace his unhealthy lightness that makes him seem stronger and more agile than he really is. And how one night, after talking to this girl earlier in the day, he can't sleep. At 3 A.M. on a chilly, September night, he decides to exercise. He does everything he used to do back in his JROTC days. He does push ups, sit ups, and pulls the 15 pound weights that have been collecting dust in his closet for close to six years. Same with the chin up bar. He overexerts himself, tired and sweaty, knowing how sore he will be the next day, and while his muscles are burning while finishing a set of push ups:
seventeen. I am going to get in shape.
eighteen. you know what,
nineteen. I'm going to quit smoking too.
twenty. This is worth it.
A month ago, and this is me. Call it what you will.
I will admit that I'm a pretty lonely guy. Not to say that I am alone. I still live in a house with my mother and older sister, and have the greatest two best friends any guy like me can ask for. Still though, there are days when I feel a social disconnect from everything and everyone, a fact that I might elaborate on later. But for now, this is an account of how I have been quitting smoking, and the effect of everything important to me has increased two-fold since I started getting in shape, and overall I've been more energetic than I've ever been in my life. And yes - dare I say it - actually happy for once.
...
Su Bei and I study together at a table inside the university library. We are studying for our contemporary english lit class but she has her French book out in the open at the edge of the table. We have only known each other for a few months, but in the moments we are together we feel inseparable.
In a scenario in my head, I will point to her French textbook, and say something to the effect of
"You know, I've always wanted to learn French, but any foreign language to me seems too hard to really learn."
She'll say, "Really? It isn't that hard. You just gotta be motivated to learn it."
"Hmmm. Say something cool in French."
She'll laugh. "No! My French sounds terrible. Don't you know any French words? It's not like it's a dead language. Like Latin or something."
"...I don't know."
"Really? C'mon. You can't even think of one word?"
But I already have those words in my head. These words that have been lingering through my bones, from the weakness I felt in my legs in the times when I realized how important she became to me. In this moment, my mind will race back and forth through time. I will remember, back in junior high, our teacher passing out a handout with all the phrases of different languages that say I Love You. I will remember Nozomi, my ex-girlfriend, leading my by the hand one night through the darkness of her unlit bedroom when the power cut out. I will remember what it means to love and to lose, more so the latter, and how high the odds are stacked against me. My mind will regain its composure and realize how this will be one of the last days Su Bei and I will probably see of each other in the short time that equals a semester. I will take the chance. And in that moment of brazen and utmost clarity, I will blurt out the words, and hope she understands. Understands what is meant by my choosing of such a phrase
Je t'aime. Je t'aime. Je t'aime.
I love you. I love you. I love you.