2018?!
I don't know if I can do this.
Using an LJ app almost perverts the process. However, I guess it's fitting enough. So much about my life and who I am is so, so far away from whatever it was back then, back when LJ was my only real outlet, that it makes sense that using it is just as completely new and fresh. While my history with LJ might be intense, it is just that - history. Herstory?
From this angle, its easy to see that I needed to be writing the story. I needed to see the world as though it were just material for The Book. The crushing disappointment of my preadolescent spiritual awakening, that night in November, left me super sensitive to the world and by 16 I was strung out on heroin. I had no role models, no dreams, no fucking clue about anything except the fact that none of this is real. And I was just too young & inexperienced for that level of esoteric knowledge. I thought it meant that none of this matters, but just because it isn't real doesn't mean it doesn't matter. Rocky Horror wasn't real, but it mattered. The world Francesca Lia Block was writing epic novels about wasn't real, but they mattered. My dreams aren't ~real, but they matter too. On and on it goes. If I could look at my life as though it were the next great American novel, maybe I could make it matter. I wrote about the main character like she mattered. I honed a skill for writing that I am deeply connected to and identified with, however my real life suffered tremendously. My devil-may-care attitude regarding personal responsibility, and responsibilities to others, left me with a wide open and very deep void to fill. With no real purpose, I let the adventure take me over. I lost the moral high ground. I stopped rooting for the main character and started living for the next plot twist.