That was the
Beginning
By: Clarity
Scifiroots (
artoflife_muse /
enchanting_muse)
Archive: Art of Life
http://enchantingmuse.com,
artoflife_muse,
enchanting_muse,
fic_on_demand
Fandom & Pairing: Xenosaga (episode I), Shion >
KOS-MOS
Standard disclaimers apply. Title is a lyric quote from the
game’s soundtrack, “Kokoro (The Words I Feel).”
Notes: A fem-slashy Shion POV written for
(yet again)
indeliblefancy’s
“unrequited love” request. =) I’m just so glad I
got something written tonight. ;;^^
Summary: A post-game (episode I, I haven’t
played the second one yet) Shion reflection about the project and KOS-MOS
herself.
I’ll never
forget that night in the lab. I struggled for weeks trying to decide how to
proceed in the aftermath of such destruction; eventually I decided to follow
the voice in the back of my mind urging for the continuation of the KOS-MOS
project.
It was the
right decision. That project became my world, my reason to breathe, from the
very moment our work began. Kevin headed the team in the beginning... before
that night. He noticed how entranced I had become with the project-he
understood me better than anyone else has-and he brought me ever deeper into
the details of the work. I became thoroughly entrenched in the project as I
renewed the work in the wake of his death. I had convinced myself that a major
reason for my decision had been the thought that Kevin would be remembered for
his efforts on the KOS-MOS project if I could make it successful; after a while
I realized that what was driving me on was my personal obsession with the
project and my inability to accept defeat. I felt ashamed at the time and made
myself look closer at the other members of my team so that I wouldn’t be so
isolated.
By the time
we began running simulations I no longer at lunch on my own and even allowed
myself to take a few hours off now and then to “hang out” with the others. I
was nervous about what kind of personality KOS-MOS would have-for all the work
and control we had in her development, it was not entirely up to us how she
would... “turn out.” The simulations became the highlight of my work and I
always look forward to the next time I could go in and speak with KOS-MOS.
There was so much she didn’t know, in many ways she seemed like a child despite
all her power and technology. I began to wonder what was her capacity to learn
about things we hadn’t thought to provide already? I was curious if she could learn emotions, sensations.
She and I
shared a bond, somehow, even before her unscheduled activation; I don’t know if
there’s some sort of programming that Kevin never told me about or if it is
somehow a result of our interaction through the numerous simulations. She meant
more to me every passing moment, after each battle we fought, every time she
paused and wore that expression that meant she was trying to access her
databanks for some reference to understand the humans around her...
She became
more than an obsession or a project, so much more than the complicated technology
of an android. I fell in love with her, I don’t know when or if that detail even
matters. I sometimes wonder if even Kevin would understand me now; I’m sure
that no one else possibly could-just how does one fall in love with a being who
seems to lack so much of the human essence that makes us “alive”? I’m not sure
I can explain it, and to that I can only say that is the way of love,
inexplicable.
I know on
some level that this is hopeless, KOS-MOS isn’t very likely to ever understand
love let alone be able to feel it herself, but I cannot rid myself of the
glimmer of hope echoed by the same voice that once told me to continue the
project despite Kevin’s death. I can’t ignore it.
~ * Fin * ~
I
apologize
with the tad bit “worse” ending than usual. *wince* I struggled about
five
minutes trying to come up with something else and just can’t find
anything at
the moment. Oi vey. 9_9 And it was the two avatars shown above
that got my through today's fic. ;;^^ (And yes, they're free for
the taking, just credit
scifiroots or
enchanting_muse if you do)