Birthday one-shot; Prompt #1 - Banana
Title: The Handsome Prince and the Perfect Banana
Author: enchanted_jae
Pairing: The prince/serving lad (aka D/H)
Rating: PG13
Warning(s): Sexual suggestion and innuendo, mpreg implied
Word count: 935
Disclaimer: Characters are the property of JK Rowling, et al. This drabble/fic was written for fun, not for profit.
Author's note: Written as a birthday gift for nohara_megami, who asked for fairy tales. I combined it with Prompt #1 for hd_pots_n_porn, which is banana, and this is the tragic result. My apologies, nohara_megami.
Summary: Draco tells the story of how he and Harry fell in love and got married.
"Once upon a time, there lived a devastatingly handsome prince. His hair was the color of new wheat, and it was as soft as silk. His eyes were silver, like a moonlit pool at midnight, and his lips..."
"Alright, alright, we get the picture."
"As I was saying, the prince was very handsome, and he was much sought after by the ladies of the court."
"Ladies?"
"May I continue? Now then, the gorgeous prince was much sought after by the ladies, and he knew that he would soon need to take a spouse. His twenty-fifth birthday was fast approaching, and his father, the King, demanded the prince be married by then. Knowing he had no choice, the clever prince came up with a method to choose his own mate. He called it the Banana Test."
"Banana test?! Er, sorry. Go on with the story."
"The prince had a special banana, but it wasn't like other bananas. No, the prince's banana was quite a bit larger than normal bananas. In fact, it was so large as to be almost freakish..."
"Yeah, yeah, we get it!"
"Not only was the handsome prince's banana extremely large, but it was also perfect in every way. The stunningly beautiful prince was extremely proud of his banana, and so he wanted to be sure it was safe at all times. For that reason, he resolved not to marry anyone unless the other person had the perfect container for his banana."
"A banana container?"
"Would you like to tell the story? No? Then please shush and allow me to go on. Where was I? Oh, yes! The prince, who was quite good-looking, had decided he would not marry until he found the person who had the perfect container to hold his banana. To that end, he demanded the King and Queen hold a party in his honor, which would allow him the chance to test the banana containers of any prospective mates."
"I beg your pardon?"
"If I may? Now then, the wickedly clever prince attended this grand gala and began to scope out potential consorts. His Queen mother brought forth the Lady Pansetta and presented her to the prince. As soon as he was able, the handsome prince escorted Lady Pansetta to his private chambers and asked to see her banana container..."
"What?!"
"...whereupon the prince tried it out, only to find Lady Pansetta's container was much too large and loose for his banana."
"You fucked Parkinson?! Gah!"
"Merlin's mittens! It's just a story! Calm down. The prince was disappointed, only not really, because Lady Pansetta was rather unattractive anyway. The next maiden presented to the prince was Lady Daphinia. Upon testing her banana container, the wonderful prince found it to be too dry, and he needed a moist container in order to keep his banana firm."
"Oh. My. God."
"Lady Milicentius had a banana container that was both too large and too dry. It was kind of hairy, too..."
"I'm going to be sick."
"...so the devastatingly gorgeous prince rejected her, as well. By this time, the witty prince was nearly at his wit's end. Stepping out on the veranda for a breath of fresh air, his moment of reflection was interrupted by one of the serving lads. The beautiful prince had noticed this particular lad before, if only for his rather messy hair and horrid glasses."
"Oh, brother."
"The charming, debonair prince seemed unhappy, so the serving lad asked what was wrong. Our handsome hero related his tale of woe to the lad, telling him of his efforts to find the perfect container for his huge, perfect banana. 'I know what the problem is,' said the scruffy-yet-kind-of cute serving boy. Curious, the suave prince asked him to explain. 'You see,' replied the boy, 'the problem is that you were testing the banana containers of females, when everyone knows that males have the best banana containers.' He then offered to let the prince try his banana container."
"I don't recall it happening that way."
"Shush! Intrigued, the heroic prince pulled forth his banana, and the serving lad produced his container. The handsome prince inserted his really large banana in the lad's container, surprised and delighted to find it was a perfect fit. It was tight enough to hold the banana securely in place, and moist and hot enough to keep the prince's banana very firm for years to come. So thrilled was he with the lad's banana container that the kind-hearted prince left the boy with some of his precious banana cream in gratitude."
"You have such a way with words."
"Thank you. Now then, where was I? Oh, yes! The dashing prince was so taken with the serving lad and his wonderful banana container, that he took him before the King and Queen and declared that this is the one he would wed. They were unsure, at first..."
"Unsure?! Try bloody fucking furious!"
"...but the charming prince managed to persuade them to his way of thinking. His father, the King, appreciated the prince's need for the perfect banana container, and his mother, the Queen, was mollified when the virile prince declared he would have no trouble breeding adorable heirs on the comely serving boy. So the devastatingly handsome prince convinced the lowly serving lad to marry him, and they lived happily ever after. What do you think?"
"I think when this child is born, I'm not going to let you tell the story of how we met and married."
The Brave Knight and the Spoiled Princess
Author: enchanted_jae
Pairing: The prince/serving lad (aka D/H)
Rating: PG13
Warning(s): Sexual suggestion and innuendo, mpreg implied
Word count: 935
Disclaimer: Characters are the property of JK Rowling, et al. This drabble/fic was written for fun, not for profit.
Author's note: Written as a birthday gift for nohara_megami, who asked for fairy tales. I combined it with Prompt #1 for hd_pots_n_porn, which is banana, and this is the tragic result. My apologies, nohara_megami.
Summary: Draco tells the story of how he and Harry fell in love and got married.
"Once upon a time, there lived a devastatingly handsome prince. His hair was the color of new wheat, and it was as soft as silk. His eyes were silver, like a moonlit pool at midnight, and his lips..."
"Alright, alright, we get the picture."
"As I was saying, the prince was very handsome, and he was much sought after by the ladies of the court."
"Ladies?"
"May I continue? Now then, the gorgeous prince was much sought after by the ladies, and he knew that he would soon need to take a spouse. His twenty-fifth birthday was fast approaching, and his father, the King, demanded the prince be married by then. Knowing he had no choice, the clever prince came up with a method to choose his own mate. He called it the Banana Test."
"Banana test?! Er, sorry. Go on with the story."
"The prince had a special banana, but it wasn't like other bananas. No, the prince's banana was quite a bit larger than normal bananas. In fact, it was so large as to be almost freakish..."
"Yeah, yeah, we get it!"
"Not only was the handsome prince's banana extremely large, but it was also perfect in every way. The stunningly beautiful prince was extremely proud of his banana, and so he wanted to be sure it was safe at all times. For that reason, he resolved not to marry anyone unless the other person had the perfect container for his banana."
"A banana container?"
"Would you like to tell the story? No? Then please shush and allow me to go on. Where was I? Oh, yes! The prince, who was quite good-looking, had decided he would not marry until he found the person who had the perfect container to hold his banana. To that end, he demanded the King and Queen hold a party in his honor, which would allow him the chance to test the banana containers of any prospective mates."
"I beg your pardon?"
"If I may? Now then, the wickedly clever prince attended this grand gala and began to scope out potential consorts. His Queen mother brought forth the Lady Pansetta and presented her to the prince. As soon as he was able, the handsome prince escorted Lady Pansetta to his private chambers and asked to see her banana container..."
"What?!"
"...whereupon the prince tried it out, only to find Lady Pansetta's container was much too large and loose for his banana."
"You fucked Parkinson?! Gah!"
"Merlin's mittens! It's just a story! Calm down. The prince was disappointed, only not really, because Lady Pansetta was rather unattractive anyway. The next maiden presented to the prince was Lady Daphinia. Upon testing her banana container, the wonderful prince found it to be too dry, and he needed a moist container in order to keep his banana firm."
"Oh. My. God."
"Lady Milicentius had a banana container that was both too large and too dry. It was kind of hairy, too..."
"I'm going to be sick."
"...so the devastatingly gorgeous prince rejected her, as well. By this time, the witty prince was nearly at his wit's end. Stepping out on the veranda for a breath of fresh air, his moment of reflection was interrupted by one of the serving lads. The beautiful prince had noticed this particular lad before, if only for his rather messy hair and horrid glasses."
"Oh, brother."
"The charming, debonair prince seemed unhappy, so the serving lad asked what was wrong. Our handsome hero related his tale of woe to the lad, telling him of his efforts to find the perfect container for his huge, perfect banana. 'I know what the problem is,' said the scruffy-yet-kind-of cute serving boy. Curious, the suave prince asked him to explain. 'You see,' replied the boy, 'the problem is that you were testing the banana containers of females, when everyone knows that males have the best banana containers.' He then offered to let the prince try his banana container."
"I don't recall it happening that way."
"Shush! Intrigued, the heroic prince pulled forth his banana, and the serving lad produced his container. The handsome prince inserted his really large banana in the lad's container, surprised and delighted to find it was a perfect fit. It was tight enough to hold the banana securely in place, and moist and hot enough to keep the prince's banana very firm for years to come. So thrilled was he with the lad's banana container that the kind-hearted prince left the boy with some of his precious banana cream in gratitude."
"You have such a way with words."
"Thank you. Now then, where was I? Oh, yes! The dashing prince was so taken with the serving lad and his wonderful banana container, that he took him before the King and Queen and declared that this is the one he would wed. They were unsure, at first..."
"Unsure?! Try bloody fucking furious!"
"...but the charming prince managed to persuade them to his way of thinking. His father, the King, appreciated the prince's need for the perfect banana container, and his mother, the Queen, was mollified when the virile prince declared he would have no trouble breeding adorable heirs on the comely serving boy. So the devastatingly handsome prince convinced the lowly serving lad to marry him, and they lived happily ever after. What do you think?"
"I think when this child is born, I'm not going to let you tell the story of how we met and married."
The Brave Knight and the Spoiled Princess