HPCreatures Fest 2019: Bawked
Title: Bawked
Author/Artist: enchanted_jae
Prompt: Of course, he finds himself having to go Basilisk hunting. And of course, it’s with a loud, rabid chicken and Potter.
Pairing: Draco, Harry
Creature: Basilisk
Word Count/Art Medium: 1,622
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: (highlight to read) *Sarcasm, snark, UST, horrible puns*
Disclaimer: This creation is based on characters and situations created and owned by J. K. Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros. Inc. No money is being made, no copyright or trademark infringement, or offense is intended. All characters depicted in sexual situations are above the age of consent.
Notes: Thank you, kitty_fic for beta reading this and making it presentable.
Summary: Death by Basilisk may be preferable to enduring Potter's ridiculous puns and his rabid rooster.
"Why are you sending me on this suicide mission?!" Draco snarled, glaring daggers at Dawlish.
The Head Auror's left eye began to twitch, a sure sign that Draco was twanging his last nerve. "Potter requested you specifically," Dawlish bit out.
"He's not even an Auror!"
"No, but we need him for this case, and you had better not cock it up, Malfoy," Dawlish snapped. "Have I made myself clear?"
Draco's nostrils flared. "Perfectly, sir."
"Good. Get out of my office and prepare to liaise with Potter at the appointed time and place."
-
Draco rubbed his hands together and stamped his feet. He'd been waiting in the pre-dawn chill of the Scottish highlands for nearly half an hour for Potter, that arrogant prick, to show up. Was it too much to hope that the daft git had gone out hunting for the Basilisk on his own and been killed?
A loud crack announced Potter's belated arrival and dashed Draco's hopes. He rounded on the bane of his existence.
"It's about bloody time you showed up, and...what are you holding?!"
"My cock," Potter replied with a mischievous smirk.
Draco wasn't born yesterday; he knew there was no way to respond to such an absurd comment without appearing foolish. Potter, however, had no such qualms.
"Meet Willie," he said, jiggling the rooster in his arms.
"Willie?" Draco repeated, dumbfounded.
"What else would I name my cock?" Potter asked with a grin twitching at his lips.
Draco refused to be baited. "I'm sure I have no idea," he replied.
"What did you name yours?"
"I don't have one," Draco bit out.
"You don't have a cock?!"
Draco's jaw tightened. "The real question is, why do you have a rooster with you?"
Potter's head tipped to one side. "We are hunting a Basilisk, are we not?"
"Ye-es."
"Well, when my cock gets hard, we'll know we're close to it."
"Pardon?" Draco all but squeaked.
"Certain predatory birds have a mild immunity to the stare of a Basilisk," Potter explained.
"Chickens are not predatory," Draco felt obliged to point out to the simpleton.
"Tell that to a worm," said Potter. "Now, as I was saying, certain predatory birds, including chickens, have some immunity to the worst effects of a Basilisk's gaze. Rather than turn to stone, my Willie here will get stiff when we encounter the Basilisk."
The topic of conversation was causing Draco's willie to get stiff, which was as irritating as it was embarrassing. "You're making that up," he accused.
"No, I'm not."
"Ahem. Won't you feel wretched if something bad happens to your...to your rooster?" Draco asked.
"A stiff Willie is only a temporary condition," Potter replied. "However, I'm delighted to know you're concerned about the state of my cock."
Draco had pursued this line of conversation as far as he wanted to. He opted to change the subject. "What about us?"
Potter's eyebrows climbed up, and his voice dropped down. "What did you have in mind?"
Draco took a step back. "That's not what I meant!"
Potter's lips twitched. "I assumed you were concerned for our safety and had some helpful suggestions. If that isn't so, then what did you mean?"
Draco pinched the bridge of his nose. At this point, death by Basilisk seemed preferable to speaking with Potter. He strove to get back on track. "Why don't you tell me what brilliant plan you've come up with to guarantee our safety?"
Potter smiled in glee. "I never thought you'd ask. Here," he said, thrusting the rooster at Draco. "Hold my cock."
Draco accepted the bird automatically. He held it awkwardly, unsure what to do with it.
"Ba-CAWK!"
"Potter, this chicken is rabid!"
"It's a cock, Malfoy."
It crowed again and flapped its wings in agitation.
Draco panicked. "Do something, Potter!"
Potter dared to look disappointed with Draco. "Don't you know how to hold a cock?"
"I've never held one before," Draco snarled.
"Really? How do you piss?"
Draco gasped in affront. Even the rooster stilled in shock. "How dare you?" Draco seethed. "I'll murder you long before we encounter the Basilisk. Evisceration is too good for the likes of you."
"Basilisks don't eviscerate their victims," Potter said as he turned out his pockets. "Ah, here we are." He waved his right hand, sans wand, over the items in his left palm, returning them to their original size.
Draco and Willie leaned in for a better look. "Sunglasses?" scoffed Draco. "Are we battling the Basilisk on the beach?"
Potter surprised Draco by laughing out loud. "Are you already composing a ballad to my heroics?"
Draco's lip curled in a sneer. "You wish." He stoically ignored the small curl of desire that had unfurled low in his belly. Potter had an engaging laugh, damn it.
He smiled at Draco and said, "These are magical sunglasses. Stop rolling your eyes. Hermione charmed them to protect us when we face off against the Basilisk."
Draco pondered that a moment. "So, we won't become hard as a rock?"
"That depends on how much you enjoy it."
"Sorry?"
"What?"
Draco glared at his nemesis. "Must you be so uncouth?"
"Ba-CAWK!" Willie crowed in agreement.
Potter laughed again, which Draco enjoyed far too much. He cleared his throat and shifted his stance, still cradling the rabid rooster in his arms.
"All joking aside," said Potter, "the answer is yes. These sunglasses will, in theory, prevent us from being turned to stone."
"What do you mean, in theory?!"
"Well, it's not as if we could test them," Potter replied. "No one was daft enough to volunteer."
Draco was stunned into silence.
"Bawk!" cried Willie.
Draco agreed; they were bawked.
-
"SSSS!!"
Draco's wand hand shook as he stood shoulder-to-shoulder with Potter, facing off against an enormous, fanged beast. Willie had stiffened up and toppled over when they first encountered the Basilisk among the rocky peaks. The rooster now lay at their feet in a useless heap of feathers.
Next to Draco, Potter was holding his hands up, palms out, as he attempted to communicate with the creature using Parseltongue. The sibilant sounds were causing a stiffening in Draco's pants, and Potter's words came back to haunt him:
"That depends on how much you enjoy it."
Draco didn't enjoy dancing on the verge of death like this, but he couldn't deny he was enjoying Potter's Parselmouth. At least Granger's charmed specs seemed to be working. Draco clung to the faint hope that he may yet survive to see tomorrow.
The Basilisk reared back and hissed again.
"Do something, Potter!"
"I'm trying to talk to her," Potter gritted out, his attention fixed on the menace in front of them.
"What are you telling it?" Draco asked, hoping Potter was convincing it to lie down and die.
"I told her to eat you first."
"You what?!"
"Malfoy, it would help if you stopped distracting me."
Draco clamped his mouth shut. He didn't like letting Potter win an argument, but he suspected he would like death by Basilisk even less. Draco watched in horrified silence as Potter devoted his attention to the monster once more.
"Why is it not responding?" Draco hadn't meant to ask that out loud, but there it was.
"She seems to be in pain," said Potter. "I think she's hurt, which is why she isn't agreeable to my suggestions." He resumed hissing at the Basilisk in a way that Draco found disturbingly attractive, while Draco hoped his erection wasn't noticeable.
"Are you having fun yet, Malfoy?"
Draco glanced quickly at Potter, but he was still facing the Basilisk. He couldn't possibly know how much fun Draco was having. Draco went for a diversion.
"If this is your idea of fun, you're barking mad."
As if to prove Draco's point, Potter grinned like a madman and continued hissing in Parseltongue. The Basilisk lunged forward, and Potter danced back nimbly, while Draco scrambled to the side.
"I need you to do something, Malfoy."
"Me?!"
"Use a Rennervate on Willie," Potter instructed him. "Once he comes around, supersize him with the strongest Engorgio you have. Think of your own cock, if you must."
"I say, Potter!"
"Just do what I tell you to," said Potter. "In the meantime, I'm going to shrink the Basilisk with the strongest Reducio I can muster, then I'm going to throw down a burlap bag for her to hide in."
"What makes you think she'll want to hide?" asked Draco.
"Because she's going to be faced with a giant, predatory bird."
"Madness," Draco pronounced with a sad shake of his head. They were going to die, he knew it.
"Cast your spells!" cried Potter.
Draco pointed his wand at Willie. "Rennervate!" When the rooster staggered to his feet, Draco hit him with the second spell. "Engorgio Maxiumus!"
Draco found himself confronted by a rooster that now towered over his head. Meanwhile, Potter had reduced the Basilisk to the size of a large snake.
"BA-CAWK!" Willie thundered. His beady eyes fixed on the Basilisk, and he moved towards it in a threatening fashion.
The Basilisk hissed. "Ssss!"
Unimpressed, Willie clacked his beak. Potter threw the bag on the ground, and the Basilisk immediately sought refuge inside of it. Potter scooped up the bag, tied the end shut, and whooped in glee.
"We did it!"
Draco exhaled in relief and lowered his wand. He locked his knees to ensure his trembling legs would keep him upright.
"Well, that was fun," chirped Potter.
"Utter madness," muttered Draco. A shadow fell over him, and Draco looked up. Way up. Willie was looming over him, his lethal beak uncomfortably close to Draco's head.
"Potter, your enormous cock is menacing me."
"Don't be scared, Malfoy," said Potter. "I brought some lube with me."
"Sorry?"
"What?"
Cross-posted to AO3
Author/Artist: enchanted_jae
Prompt: Of course, he finds himself having to go Basilisk hunting. And of course, it’s with a loud, rabid chicken and Potter.
Pairing: Draco, Harry
Creature: Basilisk
Word Count/Art Medium: 1,622
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: (highlight to read) *Sarcasm, snark, UST, horrible puns*
Disclaimer: This creation is based on characters and situations created and owned by J. K. Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros. Inc. No money is being made, no copyright or trademark infringement, or offense is intended. All characters depicted in sexual situations are above the age of consent.
Notes: Thank you, kitty_fic for beta reading this and making it presentable.
Summary: Death by Basilisk may be preferable to enduring Potter's ridiculous puns and his rabid rooster.
"Why are you sending me on this suicide mission?!" Draco snarled, glaring daggers at Dawlish.
The Head Auror's left eye began to twitch, a sure sign that Draco was twanging his last nerve. "Potter requested you specifically," Dawlish bit out.
"He's not even an Auror!"
"No, but we need him for this case, and you had better not cock it up, Malfoy," Dawlish snapped. "Have I made myself clear?"
Draco's nostrils flared. "Perfectly, sir."
"Good. Get out of my office and prepare to liaise with Potter at the appointed time and place."
-
Draco rubbed his hands together and stamped his feet. He'd been waiting in the pre-dawn chill of the Scottish highlands for nearly half an hour for Potter, that arrogant prick, to show up. Was it too much to hope that the daft git had gone out hunting for the Basilisk on his own and been killed?
A loud crack announced Potter's belated arrival and dashed Draco's hopes. He rounded on the bane of his existence.
"It's about bloody time you showed up, and...what are you holding?!"
"My cock," Potter replied with a mischievous smirk.
Draco wasn't born yesterday; he knew there was no way to respond to such an absurd comment without appearing foolish. Potter, however, had no such qualms.
"Meet Willie," he said, jiggling the rooster in his arms.
"Willie?" Draco repeated, dumbfounded.
"What else would I name my cock?" Potter asked with a grin twitching at his lips.
Draco refused to be baited. "I'm sure I have no idea," he replied.
"What did you name yours?"
"I don't have one," Draco bit out.
"You don't have a cock?!"
Draco's jaw tightened. "The real question is, why do you have a rooster with you?"
Potter's head tipped to one side. "We are hunting a Basilisk, are we not?"
"Ye-es."
"Well, when my cock gets hard, we'll know we're close to it."
"Pardon?" Draco all but squeaked.
"Certain predatory birds have a mild immunity to the stare of a Basilisk," Potter explained.
"Chickens are not predatory," Draco felt obliged to point out to the simpleton.
"Tell that to a worm," said Potter. "Now, as I was saying, certain predatory birds, including chickens, have some immunity to the worst effects of a Basilisk's gaze. Rather than turn to stone, my Willie here will get stiff when we encounter the Basilisk."
The topic of conversation was causing Draco's willie to get stiff, which was as irritating as it was embarrassing. "You're making that up," he accused.
"No, I'm not."
"Ahem. Won't you feel wretched if something bad happens to your...to your rooster?" Draco asked.
"A stiff Willie is only a temporary condition," Potter replied. "However, I'm delighted to know you're concerned about the state of my cock."
Draco had pursued this line of conversation as far as he wanted to. He opted to change the subject. "What about us?"
Potter's eyebrows climbed up, and his voice dropped down. "What did you have in mind?"
Draco took a step back. "That's not what I meant!"
Potter's lips twitched. "I assumed you were concerned for our safety and had some helpful suggestions. If that isn't so, then what did you mean?"
Draco pinched the bridge of his nose. At this point, death by Basilisk seemed preferable to speaking with Potter. He strove to get back on track. "Why don't you tell me what brilliant plan you've come up with to guarantee our safety?"
Potter smiled in glee. "I never thought you'd ask. Here," he said, thrusting the rooster at Draco. "Hold my cock."
Draco accepted the bird automatically. He held it awkwardly, unsure what to do with it.
"Ba-CAWK!"
"Potter, this chicken is rabid!"
"It's a cock, Malfoy."
It crowed again and flapped its wings in agitation.
Draco panicked. "Do something, Potter!"
Potter dared to look disappointed with Draco. "Don't you know how to hold a cock?"
"I've never held one before," Draco snarled.
"Really? How do you piss?"
Draco gasped in affront. Even the rooster stilled in shock. "How dare you?" Draco seethed. "I'll murder you long before we encounter the Basilisk. Evisceration is too good for the likes of you."
"Basilisks don't eviscerate their victims," Potter said as he turned out his pockets. "Ah, here we are." He waved his right hand, sans wand, over the items in his left palm, returning them to their original size.
Draco and Willie leaned in for a better look. "Sunglasses?" scoffed Draco. "Are we battling the Basilisk on the beach?"
Potter surprised Draco by laughing out loud. "Are you already composing a ballad to my heroics?"
Draco's lip curled in a sneer. "You wish." He stoically ignored the small curl of desire that had unfurled low in his belly. Potter had an engaging laugh, damn it.
He smiled at Draco and said, "These are magical sunglasses. Stop rolling your eyes. Hermione charmed them to protect us when we face off against the Basilisk."
Draco pondered that a moment. "So, we won't become hard as a rock?"
"That depends on how much you enjoy it."
"Sorry?"
"What?"
Draco glared at his nemesis. "Must you be so uncouth?"
"Ba-CAWK!" Willie crowed in agreement.
Potter laughed again, which Draco enjoyed far too much. He cleared his throat and shifted his stance, still cradling the rabid rooster in his arms.
"All joking aside," said Potter, "the answer is yes. These sunglasses will, in theory, prevent us from being turned to stone."
"What do you mean, in theory?!"
"Well, it's not as if we could test them," Potter replied. "No one was daft enough to volunteer."
Draco was stunned into silence.
"Bawk!" cried Willie.
Draco agreed; they were bawked.
-
"SSSS!!"
Draco's wand hand shook as he stood shoulder-to-shoulder with Potter, facing off against an enormous, fanged beast. Willie had stiffened up and toppled over when they first encountered the Basilisk among the rocky peaks. The rooster now lay at their feet in a useless heap of feathers.
Next to Draco, Potter was holding his hands up, palms out, as he attempted to communicate with the creature using Parseltongue. The sibilant sounds were causing a stiffening in Draco's pants, and Potter's words came back to haunt him:
"That depends on how much you enjoy it."
Draco didn't enjoy dancing on the verge of death like this, but he couldn't deny he was enjoying Potter's Parselmouth. At least Granger's charmed specs seemed to be working. Draco clung to the faint hope that he may yet survive to see tomorrow.
The Basilisk reared back and hissed again.
"Do something, Potter!"
"I'm trying to talk to her," Potter gritted out, his attention fixed on the menace in front of them.
"What are you telling it?" Draco asked, hoping Potter was convincing it to lie down and die.
"I told her to eat you first."
"You what?!"
"Malfoy, it would help if you stopped distracting me."
Draco clamped his mouth shut. He didn't like letting Potter win an argument, but he suspected he would like death by Basilisk even less. Draco watched in horrified silence as Potter devoted his attention to the monster once more.
"Why is it not responding?" Draco hadn't meant to ask that out loud, but there it was.
"She seems to be in pain," said Potter. "I think she's hurt, which is why she isn't agreeable to my suggestions." He resumed hissing at the Basilisk in a way that Draco found disturbingly attractive, while Draco hoped his erection wasn't noticeable.
"Are you having fun yet, Malfoy?"
Draco glanced quickly at Potter, but he was still facing the Basilisk. He couldn't possibly know how much fun Draco was having. Draco went for a diversion.
"If this is your idea of fun, you're barking mad."
As if to prove Draco's point, Potter grinned like a madman and continued hissing in Parseltongue. The Basilisk lunged forward, and Potter danced back nimbly, while Draco scrambled to the side.
"I need you to do something, Malfoy."
"Me?!"
"Use a Rennervate on Willie," Potter instructed him. "Once he comes around, supersize him with the strongest Engorgio you have. Think of your own cock, if you must."
"I say, Potter!"
"Just do what I tell you to," said Potter. "In the meantime, I'm going to shrink the Basilisk with the strongest Reducio I can muster, then I'm going to throw down a burlap bag for her to hide in."
"What makes you think she'll want to hide?" asked Draco.
"Because she's going to be faced with a giant, predatory bird."
"Madness," Draco pronounced with a sad shake of his head. They were going to die, he knew it.
"Cast your spells!" cried Potter.
Draco pointed his wand at Willie. "Rennervate!" When the rooster staggered to his feet, Draco hit him with the second spell. "Engorgio Maxiumus!"
Draco found himself confronted by a rooster that now towered over his head. Meanwhile, Potter had reduced the Basilisk to the size of a large snake.
"BA-CAWK!" Willie thundered. His beady eyes fixed on the Basilisk, and he moved towards it in a threatening fashion.
The Basilisk hissed. "Ssss!"
Unimpressed, Willie clacked his beak. Potter threw the bag on the ground, and the Basilisk immediately sought refuge inside of it. Potter scooped up the bag, tied the end shut, and whooped in glee.
"We did it!"
Draco exhaled in relief and lowered his wand. He locked his knees to ensure his trembling legs would keep him upright.
"Well, that was fun," chirped Potter.
"Utter madness," muttered Draco. A shadow fell over him, and Draco looked up. Way up. Willie was looming over him, his lethal beak uncomfortably close to Draco's head.
"Potter, your enormous cock is menacing me."
"Don't be scared, Malfoy," said Potter. "I brought some lube with me."
"Sorry?"
"What?"
Cross-posted to AO3