Bananagans
Title: Bananagans
Author: enchanted_jae
Characters: Harry, Draco, ofc
Rating: PG13
Warning(s): Strong suggestion and language
Word count: 1360
Disclaimer: Characters are the property of JK Rowling, et al. This fic/drabble was written for fun, not for profit.
Written for: Birthday gift for riverotter1951, using the prompts - emerald, whisper, money
Summary: Shenanigans and misunderstandings
"Let me handle this," Harry told his Auror partner. "I've dealt with Malfoy before when he's gotten pissed at the Leaky. He can be a right twat when he perceives he's been slighted."
The young rookie's eyes widened. "Does he do this often?" she asked.
"No," Harry responded. "Only when the latest bloke he's been shagging has thrown him over."
"Malfoy's bent?!"
Harry scowled at his partner. "Do you have a problem with that, Reynolds?"
"No, sir," she replied. "I was just surprised, is all."
Harry stared at her for another moment. He was bent, and he didn't want to work with someone for whom that was an issue. Reynolds blinked back at him ingenuously. Harry nodded sharply and led the way into the Leaky Cauldron. Malfoy wasn't difficult to spot; he was seated at the end of the bar, singing loudly, if not altogether badly. Harry waved his partner back and approached with caution.
"Malfoy," he said quietly.
Malfoy spun around so quickly that he nearly tumbled off of his bar stool. Harry reached out to steady him.
"Thanks, Scarhead," said Malfoy. He twirled around again, listed once more, and grabbed onto the bar for balance. "Oy, Tom!" he called. "Get Scarhead a drink, will you? Put it on his tab. He makes more money'n I do."
Malfoy turned around and grinned at Harry. "Get it, Scarhead? You make more'n I do 'cause I don't haffa work for a living."
Harry's jaw tightened, but he kept his tone friendly. "That's very astute of you, Malfoy."
Malfoy drew himself up on his stool. "What'd you call me?"
"Erm..."
Malfoy leaned forward to peer closely at Harry's face. Harry recoiled from the reek of booze that wafted off of him.
"Did anyone ever tell you how green your eyes are, Potty?" Malfoy asked in an awed whisper. "They're grade jean. I mean, emerald jean. Er, green. Are you a lepercunt, Scarhead?"
"Sorry?!" Harry chirped. He heard a strangled snort from his partner, which he knew was Reynolds stifling a laugh.
Malfoy sat back and enunciated, "A lep-ra-con, Potter. Do try to keep up."
Harry frowned in irritation. "I'm not a leprechaun, Malfoy."
"I call bananagans!" cried Malfoy, nearly toppling off his stool again as he flapped his hands for emphasis.
Harry caught him once more. "Come on, Malfoy," he said. "I'm taking you home."
Malfoy's chin jutted out pugnaciously. "Show me the money."
Harry was surprised to hear that coming from such a posh, pureblood wizard. "Have you been watching Muggle films?"
Malfoy's lips twisted in a sneer. "Blaise made me watch it," he said. "He fancies Goober Cootie Junior."
"Cuba Gooding Junior."
"Cuba's good for what now?"
Another titter from Reynolds convinced Harry that he needed to put an end to the spectacle Malfoy was creating. He tossed some galleons on the bar. "Will this cover it, Tom?"
"Yeah, Harry. Thanks," Tom replied, scooping up the coins.
Harry closed his hand firmly around Malfoy's arm. "We're taking you home now," he said. Reynolds stepped forward to lend support with her presence.
"Kinky," Malfoy murmured as he allowed Harry to assist him off of his perch on the stool. He stumbled into Harry and grasped his arse with both hands. "Does she like to watch? 'Cause I can't do birds."
Harry managed to corral Malfoy's wandering hands and began steering him out of the Leaky. "No one is having sex tonight," he said. "You are going home to sleep, while Reynolds and I will be returning to work."
"You lie," Malfoy accused. "You just want to skive off and have sex with her!"
By now, they were on the pavement outside of the Leaky, and people were turning to look at them.
"What Reynolds and I do is none of your business," Harry admonished.
"I say," protested Reynolds.
"How dare you?!" Malfoy exclaimed at the same time. "I've given you the best years of my life, and now you have the audity...ausassidy...the nerve to cheat on me with that cow?!"
They had garnered quite an audience, and Harry felt his face get warm. Even Reynolds was glaring at him scornfully. Malfoy opened his mouth to continue his tirade, but Harry Silenced him with a spell.
"That is enough," he snapped, voice ringing with authority. "You are going home to sleep, and I don't want to hear another word out of you." Harry looked at Reynolds. "I'll meet you back at the Ministry," he said to her.
Harry tightened his grip on the silent and sullen Malfoy and performed a Side-Along Apparition. They arrived on the stoop in front of Malfoy's townhouse. Harry was confronted by the portrait of a nearly naked Adonis.
"Password?" drawled Adonis.
Harry sighed. "Malfoy is pissed and needs to go to bed."
"That is incorrect," said Adonis.
Malfoy snickered, and Harry's temper began to fray. He leveled his wand at the portrait and snarled, "Open this bloody door immediately, or I will burn you to a cinder!"
The portrait gaped at him, and the door swung open.
Malfoy was gaping at Harry, too. "How did you know my password, Potter?"
~*~
Harry didn't have to work the following day, and he planned to sleep in, but it was not to be. He was awakened early by an owl pecking at his window. Harry rolled over, turning his back on the weak sunshine and the owl. The pecking grew more insistent.
"Fuck," groaned Harry. He stumbled out of bed and trudged to the window, stubbing his toe on a chair along the way.
"Fuck!" Harry repeated with more vehemence. He hobbled the rest of the way to the window and flung it open. The owl flew in and had the nerve to perch on the very chair that had caused Harry to hurt himself. He snatched the message from the owl's leg and unfurled it. Harry recognized Hermione's handwriting before he read the note:
Called it!
As he was puzzling it over, another owl swooped into his bedroom, followed by a third.
"What on earth?" muttered Harry. He read the second message, this one from Ron:
Bloody hell, mate, you've put me off of food.
Harry frowned and read the third message:
Shenanigans, Harry? I approve!
- Seamus
Two more owls arrived, bearing messages from Luna (Congratulations!) and Reynolds (My boyfriend is completely hacked off, and I need you to speak to him.).
Harry was utterly flummoxed. He couldn't imagine what was going on.
A knock sounded from the front door.
Harry leaned out the window and saw Malfoy standing on the stoop below him. He tossed the messages on the floor and stepped into a pair of jeans. Harry hurried downstairs and opened the front door.
"Malfoy, you look much improved since I saw you last," he remarked.
"Piss off," snapped Malfoy, barging inside. "Have you seen the Prophet this morning?"
"Er, no?"
Malfoy shoved the paper at Harry. He opened it and saw the headline:
Love Triangle!
Below it was a blurry photo of last night's scene from in front of the Leaky Cauldron. Harry scanned the article, which gleefully detailed how he was cheating on his longtime lover, Draco Malfoy, with his pretty new Auror Partner, Renee Reynolds.
"I...but...but this is utter bollocks!" cried Harry.
"Yeah? Tell that to all the people who sent me Howlers this morning."
"Fuck," Harry muttered, slumping back against the wall. "What are we going to do now?"
"Are you sleeping with Reynolds?"
"Of course not!" Harry exclaimed. "She has a boyfriend, and I'm bent!"
Malfoy smirked. "I'm relieved to know you aren't actually cheating on me."
"I'm not actually sleeping with you, either!"
"Not yet, you're not."
Harry's mouth opened, but nothing came out at first. "Sorry?" he finally managed to croak.
"Do you have to report to the Ministry today?" Malfoy asked.
Harry was having trouble keeping up. "Well, no..."
"Excellent," said Malfoy. "Let's have sex." He headed up the stairs, calling back, "Which bedroom is yours? Never mind, I'll find it."
Harry watched him go, eyes trained on Malfoy's arse. His cock took control, compelling Harry to follow Malfoy up the steps.
Suddenly, the morning seemed much brighter.
Author: enchanted_jae
Characters: Harry, Draco, ofc
Rating: PG13
Warning(s): Strong suggestion and language
Word count: 1360
Disclaimer: Characters are the property of JK Rowling, et al. This fic/drabble was written for fun, not for profit.
Written for: Birthday gift for riverotter1951, using the prompts - emerald, whisper, money
Summary: Shenanigans and misunderstandings
"Let me handle this," Harry told his Auror partner. "I've dealt with Malfoy before when he's gotten pissed at the Leaky. He can be a right twat when he perceives he's been slighted."
The young rookie's eyes widened. "Does he do this often?" she asked.
"No," Harry responded. "Only when the latest bloke he's been shagging has thrown him over."
"Malfoy's bent?!"
Harry scowled at his partner. "Do you have a problem with that, Reynolds?"
"No, sir," she replied. "I was just surprised, is all."
Harry stared at her for another moment. He was bent, and he didn't want to work with someone for whom that was an issue. Reynolds blinked back at him ingenuously. Harry nodded sharply and led the way into the Leaky Cauldron. Malfoy wasn't difficult to spot; he was seated at the end of the bar, singing loudly, if not altogether badly. Harry waved his partner back and approached with caution.
"Malfoy," he said quietly.
Malfoy spun around so quickly that he nearly tumbled off of his bar stool. Harry reached out to steady him.
"Thanks, Scarhead," said Malfoy. He twirled around again, listed once more, and grabbed onto the bar for balance. "Oy, Tom!" he called. "Get Scarhead a drink, will you? Put it on his tab. He makes more money'n I do."
Malfoy turned around and grinned at Harry. "Get it, Scarhead? You make more'n I do 'cause I don't haffa work for a living."
Harry's jaw tightened, but he kept his tone friendly. "That's very astute of you, Malfoy."
Malfoy drew himself up on his stool. "What'd you call me?"
"Erm..."
Malfoy leaned forward to peer closely at Harry's face. Harry recoiled from the reek of booze that wafted off of him.
"Did anyone ever tell you how green your eyes are, Potty?" Malfoy asked in an awed whisper. "They're grade jean. I mean, emerald jean. Er, green. Are you a lepercunt, Scarhead?"
"Sorry?!" Harry chirped. He heard a strangled snort from his partner, which he knew was Reynolds stifling a laugh.
Malfoy sat back and enunciated, "A lep-ra-con, Potter. Do try to keep up."
Harry frowned in irritation. "I'm not a leprechaun, Malfoy."
"I call bananagans!" cried Malfoy, nearly toppling off his stool again as he flapped his hands for emphasis.
Harry caught him once more. "Come on, Malfoy," he said. "I'm taking you home."
Malfoy's chin jutted out pugnaciously. "Show me the money."
Harry was surprised to hear that coming from such a posh, pureblood wizard. "Have you been watching Muggle films?"
Malfoy's lips twisted in a sneer. "Blaise made me watch it," he said. "He fancies Goober Cootie Junior."
"Cuba Gooding Junior."
"Cuba's good for what now?"
Another titter from Reynolds convinced Harry that he needed to put an end to the spectacle Malfoy was creating. He tossed some galleons on the bar. "Will this cover it, Tom?"
"Yeah, Harry. Thanks," Tom replied, scooping up the coins.
Harry closed his hand firmly around Malfoy's arm. "We're taking you home now," he said. Reynolds stepped forward to lend support with her presence.
"Kinky," Malfoy murmured as he allowed Harry to assist him off of his perch on the stool. He stumbled into Harry and grasped his arse with both hands. "Does she like to watch? 'Cause I can't do birds."
Harry managed to corral Malfoy's wandering hands and began steering him out of the Leaky. "No one is having sex tonight," he said. "You are going home to sleep, while Reynolds and I will be returning to work."
"You lie," Malfoy accused. "You just want to skive off and have sex with her!"
By now, they were on the pavement outside of the Leaky, and people were turning to look at them.
"What Reynolds and I do is none of your business," Harry admonished.
"I say," protested Reynolds.
"How dare you?!" Malfoy exclaimed at the same time. "I've given you the best years of my life, and now you have the audity...ausassidy...the nerve to cheat on me with that cow?!"
They had garnered quite an audience, and Harry felt his face get warm. Even Reynolds was glaring at him scornfully. Malfoy opened his mouth to continue his tirade, but Harry Silenced him with a spell.
"That is enough," he snapped, voice ringing with authority. "You are going home to sleep, and I don't want to hear another word out of you." Harry looked at Reynolds. "I'll meet you back at the Ministry," he said to her.
Harry tightened his grip on the silent and sullen Malfoy and performed a Side-Along Apparition. They arrived on the stoop in front of Malfoy's townhouse. Harry was confronted by the portrait of a nearly naked Adonis.
"Password?" drawled Adonis.
Harry sighed. "Malfoy is pissed and needs to go to bed."
"That is incorrect," said Adonis.
Malfoy snickered, and Harry's temper began to fray. He leveled his wand at the portrait and snarled, "Open this bloody door immediately, or I will burn you to a cinder!"
The portrait gaped at him, and the door swung open.
Malfoy was gaping at Harry, too. "How did you know my password, Potter?"
~*~
Harry didn't have to work the following day, and he planned to sleep in, but it was not to be. He was awakened early by an owl pecking at his window. Harry rolled over, turning his back on the weak sunshine and the owl. The pecking grew more insistent.
"Fuck," groaned Harry. He stumbled out of bed and trudged to the window, stubbing his toe on a chair along the way.
"Fuck!" Harry repeated with more vehemence. He hobbled the rest of the way to the window and flung it open. The owl flew in and had the nerve to perch on the very chair that had caused Harry to hurt himself. He snatched the message from the owl's leg and unfurled it. Harry recognized Hermione's handwriting before he read the note:
Called it!
As he was puzzling it over, another owl swooped into his bedroom, followed by a third.
"What on earth?" muttered Harry. He read the second message, this one from Ron:
Bloody hell, mate, you've put me off of food.
Harry frowned and read the third message:
Shenanigans, Harry? I approve!
- Seamus
Two more owls arrived, bearing messages from Luna (Congratulations!) and Reynolds (My boyfriend is completely hacked off, and I need you to speak to him.).
Harry was utterly flummoxed. He couldn't imagine what was going on.
A knock sounded from the front door.
Harry leaned out the window and saw Malfoy standing on the stoop below him. He tossed the messages on the floor and stepped into a pair of jeans. Harry hurried downstairs and opened the front door.
"Malfoy, you look much improved since I saw you last," he remarked.
"Piss off," snapped Malfoy, barging inside. "Have you seen the Prophet this morning?"
"Er, no?"
Malfoy shoved the paper at Harry. He opened it and saw the headline:
Love Triangle!
Below it was a blurry photo of last night's scene from in front of the Leaky Cauldron. Harry scanned the article, which gleefully detailed how he was cheating on his longtime lover, Draco Malfoy, with his pretty new Auror Partner, Renee Reynolds.
"I...but...but this is utter bollocks!" cried Harry.
"Yeah? Tell that to all the people who sent me Howlers this morning."
"Fuck," Harry muttered, slumping back against the wall. "What are we going to do now?"
"Are you sleeping with Reynolds?"
"Of course not!" Harry exclaimed. "She has a boyfriend, and I'm bent!"
Malfoy smirked. "I'm relieved to know you aren't actually cheating on me."
"I'm not actually sleeping with you, either!"
"Not yet, you're not."
Harry's mouth opened, but nothing came out at first. "Sorry?" he finally managed to croak.
"Do you have to report to the Ministry today?" Malfoy asked.
Harry was having trouble keeping up. "Well, no..."
"Excellent," said Malfoy. "Let's have sex." He headed up the stairs, calling back, "Which bedroom is yours? Never mind, I'll find it."
Harry watched him go, eyes trained on Malfoy's arse. His cock took control, compelling Harry to follow Malfoy up the steps.
Suddenly, the morning seemed much brighter.