My Smoochfest fic: As You Wish
Author/Artist LJ Name: enchanted_jae
Title: As You Wish
Prompt Number: M112
Original Work Name: The Princess Bride
Pairing(s): Harry/Draco, along with variations of: Snape, Neville, Zabini, Hagrid, Rodolphus, Xenophilius, Luna, a Weasley, Yaxley, Albus/Minerva
Summary: When Draco's beloved Harry is killed by the Dread Pirate Riddle, he vows to never love again.
Rating: PG13
Disclaimer: All Harry Potter characters herein are the property of J.K. Rowling and Bloomsbury/Scholastic. No copyright infringement is intended.
Warning(s): Violence, minor character death
Epilogue compliant? It's "Princess Bride" compliant...
Word Count: 6k
Author's Notes: Many thanks to luci0logy for the beta, and to the mods for their patience with me.
There was once a boy named Draco, who lived on a modest estate in Wiltshire. His favorite activities were riding horses and tormenting Harry, the farm boy.
"Farm boy, polish my boots," Draco commanded. "I wish to see my reflection in them when you're through."
"As you wish," Harry answered. It was all he ever said to Draco's outrageous demands.
Over time, Draco came to realize that when Harry said, 'As you wish,' what he really meant was, 'I love you.' It was around the same time that Draco realized he loved Harry just as much.
Being a poor farm boy, Harry wished to make his fortune before he and Draco married. Draco was reluctant to bid him farewell. "I fear I shall never see you again," he confessed. "What if something should happen to you?"
"I will always come for you," Harry promised. "You are my one true love." With that vow, Harry left to seek his fortune on the sea.
Some months later, Draco learned that Harry's ship was attacked by the Dread Lord Riddle. The nefarious pirate was not known for leaving survivors, and Harry was presumed dead. Draco locked himself in his room for days. When he emerged, wan and gaunt, he vowed he would never love again.
Five years later...
Snaperdinck, the Half-Blood Prince, announced that he would finally wed. Snaperdinck introduced his intended to the populace as Prince Draco, and commanded that all bow before him.
Draco was above all of the fanfare. The only reason he was marrying the Half-Blood Prince was because the law of the land allowed Snaperdinck to marry whomever he wanted to. Draco had remained true to his vow to never love again, and held himself aloof. The only joy he found during this time was in his daily rides.
On one such day, Draco encountered three strangers by the trail. The bloke in the lead hailed Draco and asked if there was a village nearby.
"No," replied Draco from atop his horse. "There is nothing nearby."
The stranger smirked. "Then there will be no one to hear you scream." The giant who accompanied him dragged Draco from his horse and slung Draco over his meaty shoulder.
Draco fought, but to no avail. His strength was no match for the giant's. He was carried to a sailing vessel, and the boat pulled up anchor and headed out to sea. Draco tugged at his restraints, growing frustrated when he couldn't free himself. He perked up when he heard his captors discuss killing him.
"You never said anything about killing the prince, Zabini."
"I was hired to start a war between Hogwarts and Durmstrang," said the one called Zabini. "The prince's death will guarantee that the people of Hogwarts will want justice."
"But, Zabini," whined the giant, "we cannot simply kill him."
"We can and we will," growled Zabini. "Need I remind you two of everything I've done for you? Ineville, you were a drunken lout," he said, addressing the dark-haired swordsman. "Hagrid, you were in a traveling freak show until I rescued you and gave you a job."
The other two hung their heads in shame, and Draco began to despair. If they killed him, Snaperdinck would, indeed, want to avenge his death.
"We are being followed," said Ineville.
"Inconceivable," snorted Zabini. "No one saw us kidnap the prince. There is no way that Hogwarts would have been able to muster a rescue operation so soon."
"Then who is that behind us?" Hagrid asked.
Zabini joined them at the boat's stern, and they all watched another small craft in the distance. "It is a coincidence," said Zabini. "Nothing more."
They sailed through the night, and by morning, the other boat had drawn closer.
"Inconceivable!" cried Zabini. "We'll lose him at the Cliffs of Madness."
They dropped anchor and disembarked. Hagrid slung Draco over his back, while Zabini and Ineville clung to his broad shoulders. The giant began to climb the cliffs using a rope left there for that purpose. When they reached the top and looked back down, a man dressed all in black and wearing a mask was climbing the rope after them. Zabini cut the rope, but when he looked over the edge of the cliff, the man was clinging to the rocks.
"He didn't fall?! Inconceivable!"
"You keep saying that word," Ineville remarked. "I do not think it means what you think it means."
Zabini only glared at him. "When he reaches the top, kill him," he ordered. Zabini grabbed the rope that bound Draco's hands and began tugging him away.
"You be careful," Hagrid told Ineville. "Men who wear masks cannot be trusted."
Ineville watched the others go, then moved to the edge of the cliff. "Hello, down there!" he called in cheerful greeting.
"Please do not distract me," muttered the man in black as he struggled to climb the rock face.
"I will help you up," Ineville offered, extending a hand.
"How do I know I can trust you?"
Ineville straightened, and his face grew serious. "I swear on the soul of my dead father that I will see you safely up."
The man in black considered this a moment before nodding. "Toss me the rope."
Once the man in black was safely on top of the cliffs, Ineville invited him to take a moment to catch his breath. "Do you, by chance, have six fingers on your right hand?" he asked.
The masked man held up his hand, displaying the normal five digits.
Ineville seemed disappointed. "When I was a boy," he said, "my father was killed by a man with six fingers. The man commissioned a sword from my father, but when he came to get it, he wanted to pay much less than they had agreed upon. My father refused, and the bastard ran him through. I took up the sword to avenge my father, but the six-fingered man simply laughed and slashed my cheeks before riding away."
Ineville drew his sword and gazed at it. "This is the sword my father created. I will meet the six-fingered man again, and when I do, I will say to him, 'Hello. My name is Ineville Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die"
"It is a fine weapon," praised the masked man. He drew his own sword and assumed a fighting stance. The two men began with cautious thrusts and parries, testing one another's skill.
"Tell me," said the man. "Why do you work for Zabini? Surely someone of your skill could find work elsewhere." He danced back and blocked Ineville's strike.
"I only work for Zabini to pay the bills," Ineville said. "You're a fine swordsman yourself," he added. "Who are you?"
"No one of consequence," replied the man.
Their swords clashed again and again, striking sparks while the combatants dueled. Ineville was stunned when the masked man disarmed him. He sank to his knees on the sand. "Kill me quickly," he requested with quiet resignation.
"It would be a shame to kill you," said the man, "but I can't have you following me." With that, he struck Ineville on the back of the head with the hilt of his sword, knocking him unconscious. The masked man then followed the path that the others had taken.
When Zabini saw the man in black pursuing them, he was flabbergasted. "Inconceivable!" he bellowed. He turned to Hagrid. "Kill him," he said.
"How am I supposed to do that?" asked Hagrid.
Zabini threw his hands in the air. "You're a giant! Bash him over the head with a rock!" He then grabbed Draco's arm and hustled him away, leaving Hagrid to deal with the masked man.
The man in black skulked through a maze of boulders, following the trail. He cringed when a large rock exploded against one of the boulders, just missing his head. "You almost killed me!" he blurted.
"No, if I wanted to kill you, I would have hit you," Hagrid chuckled. "I have very good aim." He rose to his full height. "I wanted to give you a fair chance. Come, we will fight."
The man in black charged. He hit Hagrid in the midsection and bounced off.
Hagrid made a grab for him, but the masked man ducked beneath the giant's legs and leaped onto his back and wrapped his arms around Hagrid's throat. Hagrid was unable to reach his assailant. He tried to knock him off by slamming his back against one of the boulders, but the masked man doggedly held on. Eventually, lack of oxygen proved Hagrid's downfall. He collapsed into a heap on the ground.
The man in black checked the giant for a pulse, then continued his pursuit of Zabini and Draco.
In the meantime, Snaperdinck was also on the trail of his betrothed. He and his men came across the area where the sword fight had taken place. The Half-Blood Prince traced the footprints in the sand, determining which way the winner had gone. He mounted his horse and led his soldiers in that direction.
The masked man came upon Zabini. He was seated before a flat rock with a bound and blindfolded Draco at his side. Zabini held a knife to the young prince's throat. "Stop where you are, or I'll kill him," he said.
The man in black halted.
"You may have defeated my swordsman and my giant," said Zabini, "but you're no match for my intellect."
The masked man's jaw firmed. "I challenge you to a duel of wits."
"You're on!" crowed Zabini.
The man in black sat opposite him and pulled a vial from his pocket. He opened it and sniffed at it before handing it to Zabini. "What do you smell?"
Zabini gave it a cautious sniff. "I smell nothing."
"It's iocane," said the masked man. "Odorless and tasteless, it is nevertheless highly poisonous. Pour the wine that is conveniently placed there with those two goblets."
Zabini did as instructed.
"I am going to dump the iocane into one of these glasses," said the masked man. "Your challenge is to guess which one." He took both goblets and turned his back so that Zabini couldn't see what he was doing. The man turned back and set one goblet in front of each of them. "Tell me, which goblet contains the poison?"
"Logic says you would place the poison as far from yourself as possible, so I should not drink from the goblet in front of me," said Zabini. "However, you are clever enough to ascertain that I would know that; therefore, you would have placed the poison in your own goblet, anticipating that I would switch them." He continued blathering on about the probability of which goblet contained the poison, while the man in black simply sat there.
"Oh look! What is that?!" cried Zabini, pointing behind the masked man.
The man whipped his head around. "Where?" he asked. "I don't see anything."
Zabini took advantage of the masked man's distraction to switch the goblets. When the man turned back, Zabini shrugged. "My mistake," he said. "Now then, let us drink. I from the goblet in front of me, and you from your own goblet." So saying, Zabini picked up the goblet before him and raised it in a silent toast.
The man in black took up his own goblet and raised it. Each of them drank the contents.
"You moron!" Zabini taunted. "I switched the goblets when you weren't looking. You fell for it, and now you're going to die!" He laughed uproariously...right up until the moment that he fell over dead.
The masked man quickly removed Draco's blindfold and untied his hands. Draco looked at Zabini's lifeless body, then back at his rescuer.
"How did you know which goblet he would drink from?" he asked.
"Simple," said the man. "I put poison in both goblets. I swallowed a bezoar, and it rendered me immune to the poison." He pulled Draco to his feet and began leading him away.
"My betrothed is a wealthy man," said Draco. "He will pay a ransom if you release me."
"I am not interested in money," said the man.
Draco stumbled along in his wake, trying desperately to think of a way to gain his freedom. What manner of man wasn't interested in money? Draco dug in his heels. "I know who you are," he said. "You're the Dread Pirate Riddle!"
"At your service," said the man, sweeping Draco a mocking bow.
"You!" spat Draco. "You killed my love!"
"Who was this man?" asked the pirate. "A prince?"
"He was a simple farm boy, but he was sweet and honest and kind," said Draco.
"I remember this farm boy," mused the masked man. "Before he died, he spoke of a boy who was beautiful and faithful. Surely, he could not have meant you."
"You know nothing," snarled Draco, taking a step closer to the man. "You can die, for all I care!" he cried, giving the pirate a shove.
As he tumbled backwards down the hill, the man called out, "As you wish!"
Draco's eyes widened in horror. "Oh, my sweet Harry!" he gasped. "What have I done?!" He threw himself down the hill after his love.
At the bottom of the hill, the two of them sat up with matching groans.
"Harry!" Draco exclaimed, tugging the mask away from that beloved face. "You're alive!"
Harry swept Draco into his arms. "I told you I would always come back for you," he said. "Why did you not wait for me?"
"Well, you were dead."
Harry was about to reply when he saw a group of horsemen gather at the crest of the hill.
"It's Snaperdinck," said Draco.
"Come," said Harry, helping Draco to his feet. "We'll lose him in the Dark Swamp."
"We'll never survive," Draco protested, even as he ran with Harry towards the sanctuary of the trees.
"Nonsense. You're only saying that because nobody has."
Once inside the darkened marsh, Draco asked Harry where he'd been for the past five years. "I thought you were captured by the Dread Pirate Riddle."
"I was," said Harry. "I don't know why he chose to spare me. He said he needed a cabin boy. Each night, he would tell me to sleep tight, because he may decide to kill me in the morning. As it turns out, Riddle wanted to retire, and he was grooming me to be his replacement. He left the pirating business, and I became the Dread Pirate Riddle."
While telling his tale, Harry had been alert for danger. He didn't want to frighten Draco, which is why he neglected to tell his beloved about the creatures he saw stalking them.
"Do you reckon those stories about SOUSes are true?" Draco wondered.
"Spiders of Unusual Size?" Harry asked, eying one such specimen behind Draco. "I don't believe they exist."
No sooner had he said that then the spider launched an attack. It sprang at Draco, startling a terrified cry from him. Harry drew his sword and hacked off one of the creature's legs. It fastened its beady eyes on him, all eight of them, and scrabbled after him. Harry back-pedaled with a grimace of revulsion, swinging his sword to hold the spider at bay.
Draco threw a rock at the spider, distracting it momentarily when the missile struck its furred body. Harry took advantage of the spider's inattention to leap forward and bring his sword down in a deadly strike. The blade severed the spider's head, spraying green ichor all over the loamy floor. The creature's body tumbled to the side, legs twitching as it died.
Draco raced to Harry and nestled close to him, shaking in reaction. Harry gave him a comforting hug before stepping back and taking Draco's hand. "Come along," he said. "We need to escape the swamp by nightfall."
When they emerged from the marsh some time later, both of them blinked in the sunshine. They celebrated with a lingering kiss. After too many years apart, the press of their lips was sweet relief. The whinny of a horse alerted Harry and Draco to further danger.
"It's Snaperdinck!" hissed Draco. He wanted to run, but it was too late. The Half-Blood Prince and his men rode rapidly forward, surrounding Draco and Harry.
Harry drew his sword, prepared to defend his beloved.
"We surrender!" Draco blurted. He glanced nervously between Harry and Snaperdinck. "I'll return with you, so long as you let Harry live," he said.
Harry scowled. "No, Draco, I--"
"I accept," said Snaperdinck.
"Swear to me that you will spare him," Draco demanded as one of the men disarmed Harry.
"You have my word," promised the Half-Blood Prince. "We will return him to his ship, and he shall be free to go." As Draco nodded in relief, Snaperdinck leaned close to Count Rodolphus. "Take him to the Shrieking Shack," he muttered.
Rodolphus nodded, cold eyes narrowed on the dastardly pirate.
Draco mounted a spare horse, and Snaperdinck escorted him away.
Harry kept his eyes on Rodolphus, which is how he noticed the man had six fingers on his right hand. Clearly, Rodolphus was nothing more than a cold-blooded murderer.
"It's time we return you to your ship," said Rodolphus.
"You have no intention of setting me free," said Harry. "You plan to kill me."
One of the other guards struck Harry in the head with a sword hilt, and Harry knew no more.
When Harry woke up, he was strapped to a wooden plank, while being tended by a ginger. "Am I to be held here until I die?" he asked.
"Until I kill you, yeah," the ginger replied.
Back at the castle, Snaperdinck began to prepare for his wedding and for the upcoming war with Durmstrang. He had been the one to orchestrate Draco's initial abduction, and he now planned to murder Draco on their wedding night to drum up support for the war.
As Snaperdinck and Rodolphus plotted Draco's demise and the war with Durmstrang, Draco himself swept into Snaperdinck's study.
"I cannot marry you," Draco announced with a proud tilt to his chin. "Harry is the one I love, and to marry you would be to betray him. I would rather kill myself."
Snaperdinck stood and went to Draco's side. "I understand," he said, expression solemn. "I have an idea. You go and write four letters, addressed to your beloved. I shall send my four fastest ships in each direction, with the intent of delivering your letter once Harry is found. If he loves you as much as you love him, he will return for you. But, if he does not, would you reconsider your decision and marry me, instead?"
Draco pondered for a moment. "I will reconsider," he agreed. "But, I know that Harry will come for me."
The Half-Blood Prince smiled tightly. "I don't doubt it for a moment."
Once Draco took his leave, Snaperdinck turned to Rodolphus. "Go and see to our guest, will you?"
Rodolphus made his way to the Shrieking Shack, where Harry was still strapped to the plank. Suction cups were attached to Harry, and Rodolphus smirked while the ginger checked the various restraints.
"What do you think of my invention?" asked Rodolphus.
Harry was unable to answer.
"With this device, I can literally suck the life out of my prisoners," Rodolphus continued. "I call it the Dementor. Now, let's test it, shall we?"
Meanwhile, back at the castle, Snaperdinck was making plans with Yaxley, his chief enforcer, to beef up security. The Half-Blood Prince wanted the forest cleared of thieves and malcontents, and he authorized Yaxley to hire a squadron of men to see the deed done.
Hagrid was hired as one of the Troll Squad, assigned to clear the Forbidden Forest. There, he found Ineville. His friend had been drinking heavily, and Hagrid hauled Ineville home to sober him up.
After having his head dunked into a barrel of cold water several times, Ineville came up sputtering. "Enough!" he gasped.
"I found your six-fingered man," Hagrid told him with a wide grin. "He is at the castle." Indeed, Hagrid had spotted Count Rodolphus while he was training with the Troll Squad.
Ineville was thrilled with this news. Vengeance would be his at last! There was only one problem. "I'm not good at making plans," he admitted. "Zabini took care of that when I worked for him."
"I know who can help us," said Hagrid. "The masked man!"
"Brilliant!" agreed Ineville. "But, where is he?"
Harry was still being held in the Shrieking Shack, where the Count had used his Dementor to siphon off a year of Harry's life. In the meantime, Draco had come to the realization that Snaperdinck had not upheld his promise. He confronted the Half-Blood Prince in his study.
"You never sent your ships after Harry," Draco accused. "You knew he would return for me, and you were afraid. You're nothing but a coward!" Draco stormed out of the study, leaving a fuming Snaperdinck behind.
"A coward, am I?" snarled Snaperdinck. He decided it was time to get rid of Draco's beloved, once and for all. Snaperdinck rushed from his study to the ancient willow tree on the grounds. He opened the secret entrance in the tree's trunk, revealing a dark tunnel. Snaperdinck made his way quickly through the tunnel to the Shrieking Shack, where Rodolphus was supervising Harry's torture.
Snaperdinck grasped the handle of the Dementor and cranked it all the way up.
As Hagrid and Ineville emerged from Hagrid's hut, they heard an unholy scream come from the Shrieking Shack.
"What was that?" gasped Hagrid.
"That was the sound of true love dying," whispered Ineville. He looked at Hagrid, and together they blurted, "The man in black!"
"Let's go," said Ineville, dodging around villagers as he dashed in the direction of the castle. Near the willow, they encountered the ginger, who was bringing a wheelbarrow to haul Harry's body away.
"How do we get into the Shrieking Shack?" growled Ineville.
The ginger straightened and crossed his arms over his chest. "I don't remember," he insisted.
"Hagrid, jar his memory," Ineville said.
Hagrid bopped the ginger on the head, knocking him senseless. "Whoops," he said with a wince.
"Now we'll never find the masked man," groaned Ineville. "My father shall never be avenged." He slumped against the tree in defeat.
"You can't give up now," scolded Hagrid.
"You're right," said Ineville. He drew his sword and held it out in front of him. "I call upon the spirit of my dead father, Frank Diego Montoya. I need your help to guide me to the man in black." The sword wavered in front of him. It dipped down, then the tip began to slowly move. Ineville closed his eyes, trusting his father's spirit to point the way. The sword pulled him to and fro before it honed in on the willow tree. It thunked into the bark, and Ineville opened his eyes in time to see the hidden entrance revealed.
Ineville and Hagrid charged into the tunnel, Ineville's sword leading the way. They reached the interior of the Shrieking Shack, only to find the man in black dead. Hagrid hung his head in sorrow, while Ineville scrubbed a tired hand over his face. "We need a miracle," he sighed.
Hagrid immediately brightened. "I know where to get one."
With Ineville following, Hagrid carried Harry's body to the home of Miracle Maxophilius. Ineville knocked on the door, only to be berated by Miracle Max.
"Go away! I'm retired!" he shouted at them.
"Please, we need your help," Ineville pleaded.
"Go away, or I'll call the Troll Squad," threatened Max.
Hagrid stooped to peer at the old man. "I'm with the Troll Squad," he said.
Maxophilius' eyes widened. "You are the Troll Squad," he muttered. "Alright, alright, come on in." Max opened the door and beckoned them inside.
Hagrid laid Harry on the table, and Max bent over and placed an ear to Harry's chest. "He's mostly dead," he pronounced. "However, that's better than being all the way dead." Max looked at his guests. "For a miracle to work, there has to be a good reason for it to happen."
Ineville launched into a sob story. "He is married, with four children, and his wife cannot manage-"
"I don't believe you," said Max. "Let's just ask the dead man, shall we?" He fetched a bellows from the hearth and used it to pump air into Harry's lungs. "Why do you wish to live?" Max asked Harry.
Two words wheezed past Harry's lips.
"For luck!" chortled Max. "I knew it! You've been gambling, and he owes you money."
"Liar!" shouted a young woman, charging into the room from the back. "He said 'for love', not luck," she insisted, poking Maxophilius in the chest.
"Get away from me, you witch!" he cried, stumbling backward.
"I'm not a witch, I'm your daughter," said the young woman. She beamed at Ineville and Hagrid. "My name is Luna. Please forgive my father, he's lost his confidence ever since the Half-Blood Prince sacked him."
"Prince Draco is this man's true love," said Ineville. "If you bring him back, it will ruin Snaperdinck's plans to marry Draco."
"Now you're talking!" Max cackled. He quickly brewed a potion, which coalesced into a large chocolate-covered miracle pill.
Ineville accepted the pill, Hagrid scooped up Harry, and they left Max's hut. Luna waved goodbye and called out, "Have fun storming the castle!"
By the time darkness fell, Ineville and Hagrid were perched on a rampart overlooking the heavily-guarded castle. They force-fed the pill to Harry, and lo! It worked.
Harry's eyes opened. "Where am I?" he asked. "What happened?" His speech was slurred, and he was incapable of movement.
Ineville filled him in. He finished by saying, "The castle is guarded by sixty men, and Draco is to be married to Snaperdinck in less than an hour. We need to get inside, rescue Draco, kill the Count, and escape with our lives."
"What do we have on our side?" asked Harry.
"We have my sword," said Ineville, "along with Hagrid's strength and your brains."
"We need more time," muttered Harry. "I can't even walk. What I need is a wheelbarrow."
"The ginger had a wheelbarrow," said Hagrid.
"That's a start," Harry said. "What I wouldn't give for an Invisibility cloak."
"I have one right here," said Hagrid, pulling the shimmering material out of his shirt.
Ineville was surprised. "Where did you get that?"
"From Miracle Maxophilius," said Hagrid. "It fit so nice!"
Inside the castle, the wedding was about to begin. Draco walked down the aisle to Snaperdinck, his face pale and his steps halting and reluctant.
Outside, the guards were frightened when a voice boomed at them. "I am the Dread Pirate Riddle! I have come to steal your soooouls!"
The voice seemed near, yet they saw no one.
"I am coming for you!" roared the voice. "There will be no survivors!"
The guards panicked and ran, deserting their posts in favor of fleeing for their lives from the Dread Pirate Riddle. Only Yaxley remained, and he was clearly frightened.
From beneath the Invisibility cloak, Hagrid and Ineville rushed the gate, pushing Harry along in the wheelbarrow. Hagrid whisked the cloak away, and Ineville grabbed Yaxley's lapels. "Where is the gate key?" he demanded.
"I don't know what you're talking about," Yaxley stalled.
Ineville turned to the giant. "Hagrid, rip his arms off."
Yaxley blanched. "Oh! You mean this gate key," he said, withdrawing it from inside his shirt.
Ineville snatched it from him and opened the gate. Hagrid lifted Harry from the wheelbarrow and supported him as they staggered inside the castle. They were met by four guards and Count Rodolphus.
"Kill them," ordered Rodolphus.
Ineville showcased his dazzling sword work, dispatching the four guards with ease. His eyes narrowed on the Count. "Hello," he said. "My name is Ineville Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."
Rodolphus turned tail and ran.
Ineville was surprised, but he recovered and raced after the Count.
Back in the chapel, Snaperdinck was aware of the commotion, and he urged the clergyman to hurry the ceremony along. "Say husband and husband," growled Snaperdinck.
The clergyman blinked at him and said, "Husband and husband."
"At last," sighed Snaperdinck. He pressed a quick, hard kiss to Draco's lips before pushing his new husband into the care of the king and queen.
Bereft and bewildered, Draco allowed King Albus and Queen Minerva to escort him to the honeymoon suite. He squeezed their hands and thanked them for the kindness they had shown him during his stay at the castle.
"I'll be killing myself shortly," said Draco.
King Albus smiled and nodded. "Won't that be nice?"
Ineville was thwarted in his bid for vengeance when he ran afoul of a locked door. He pounded on the door to no avail. "Hagrid!" he shouted. "Hagrid, I need you!"
Hagrid wanted to rush to his friend's aid, but he was reluctant to leave a still-helpless Harry alone.
"Hagrid, please! He's getting away!"
Hagrid settled for draping Harry over a suit of armor before he lumbered down the corridor to assist Ineville. He broke the door down with ease and grinned as Ineville pushed past him in pursuit of Count Rodolphus. Hagrid made his way back up the corridor, only to find Harry missing.
Ineville chased after Rodolphus, catching up to him in the castle's Great Hall. The Count snatched a knife from the table and threw it. Ineville groaned in pain as the knife pierced his stomach. He staggered back and slumped against a wall. Rodolphus smirked and approached his wounded opponent. He used his sword to stab Ineville through each shoulder.
Ineville gathered his resolve. It couldn't end like this; it wouldn't! He pulled the knife from his stomach. "My name is Ineville Montoya," he panted. "You killed my father. Prepare to die."
The Count's grin faded, and he brought his sword to bear.
Ineville batted it away with his own sword. "My name is Ineville Montoya," he repeated. "You killed my father. Prepare to die." Ineville parried another attack by Rodolphus. "My name is Ineville Montoya," he said again, voice growing stronger. "You killed my father. Prepare to die!"
"Stop saying that!" bellowed the Count. He was back on his heels now as Ineville launched an attack.
"My name is Ineville Montoya! You killed my father! Prepare to die!"
Ineville wounded the Count's face and shoulders as he toyed with him. "My name is Ineville Montoya," he hissed. "You killed my father." Ineville knocked the sword from Rodolphus' hand. "Prepare to die." He ran the Count through, mortally wounding the man who had murdered his father.
Back in the honeymoon suite, Draco calmly seated himself at a vanity table and withdrew an ornamental dagger from a wooden box. He drew in a deep breath, grasped the dagger with both hands, and aimed it at his chest.
"There is a shortage of perfect bodies in this world. It would be a shame to damage yours."
Draco turned to see Harry reclining on the bed. "Harry!" he cried, flinging himself into his beloved's arms.
"Gently," chided Harry.
Draco peppered his face and throat with exuberant kisses, wriggling atop Harry. "At a time like this, that's all you can think to say?" he murmured.
"Gently!" Harry squeaked.
Draco sat up and worried his lower lip with his teeth. "Forgive me, Harry," he said, "but I've married Snaperdinck. I didn't mean to," he added quickly.
"Did you say, 'I do'?" asked Harry.
"No, we sort of skipped over that part," said Draco.
"Then it wasn't a legal marriage," Harry said.
"A mere technicality," drawled Snaperdinck, having intruded on Draco's reunion with Harry. "First, however, we must battle to the death," he said, directing his challenge to Harry.
"No," said Harry. "To the pain!"
Snaperdinck cocked his head to the side. "To the pain? I'm not sure I follow."
"First, I shall cut off your feet just above the ankles," Harry said. "Next, I will chop off your hands at the wrists. Then, I'll lop off your huge beak of a nose before gouging out your eyes."
Snaperdinck rolled the eyes in question. "Yes, yes, and then you'll cut off my ears," he sighed, gesturing with his sword. "I get it."
"No," Harry said again. "Your ears you'll keep, and this is why. Each time a woman screams at the sight of your disfigurement, every time a child cries to see your freakish ugliness, the sounds will echo in your perfect ears."
Snaperdinck's face paled at the horrific threat.
Harry levered himself out of the bed and brandished his weapon. "Drop your sword," he ordered.
Snaperdinck let his sword clatter to the floor, and he stumbled back to sit on a wooden chair.
Draco quickly tied the Half-Blood Prince to the chair, while Harry sagged against the wall.
Ineville burst into the suite and took in the situation at a glance. "Do you want me to kill him?" he asked, pointing his sword at Snaperdinck.
Harry shook his head no. "He can live with his cowardice," he said.
From outside, they heard Hagrid calling. Harry, Draco and Ineville rushed to the window and peered down into the courtyard. Hagrid was holding the reins of four white horses. "I found them in the stable," he said. "Since there are four of us, I brought them with me."
Harry helped Draco up on the window ledge. Draco jumped down, and Hagrid caught him and settled him atop one of the horses.
"Now that I've avenged my father, I don't know what to do with my life," Ineville admitted to Harry.
"Have you ever considered piracy?" asked Harry, climbing up on the ledge. "I think you'd make a brilliant Dread Pirate Riddle." He jumped down, followed closely by Ineville. They mounted the remaining horses, and the four of them cantered from the courtyard, making their escape.
By the following morning, Harry and Draco were far away from Hogwarts. They pulled their horses to a halt in a sunlit meadow. Harry drew Draco into his arms and kissed him. It was the purest, most passionate kiss in the history of kisses.
Harry raised his head and smiled at his beloved. "Draco," he whispered. "Will you marry me?"
Draco smiled back at him. "As you wish."
Cross-posted to hd_smoochfest
Title: As You Wish
Prompt Number: M112
Original Work Name: The Princess Bride
Pairing(s): Harry/Draco, along with variations of: Snape, Neville, Zabini, Hagrid, Rodolphus, Xenophilius, Luna, a Weasley, Yaxley, Albus/Minerva
Summary: When Draco's beloved Harry is killed by the Dread Pirate Riddle, he vows to never love again.
Rating: PG13
Disclaimer: All Harry Potter characters herein are the property of J.K. Rowling and Bloomsbury/Scholastic. No copyright infringement is intended.
Warning(s): Violence, minor character death
Epilogue compliant? It's "Princess Bride" compliant...
Word Count: 6k
Author's Notes: Many thanks to luci0logy for the beta, and to the mods for their patience with me.
There was once a boy named Draco, who lived on a modest estate in Wiltshire. His favorite activities were riding horses and tormenting Harry, the farm boy.
"Farm boy, polish my boots," Draco commanded. "I wish to see my reflection in them when you're through."
"As you wish," Harry answered. It was all he ever said to Draco's outrageous demands.
Over time, Draco came to realize that when Harry said, 'As you wish,' what he really meant was, 'I love you.' It was around the same time that Draco realized he loved Harry just as much.
Being a poor farm boy, Harry wished to make his fortune before he and Draco married. Draco was reluctant to bid him farewell. "I fear I shall never see you again," he confessed. "What if something should happen to you?"
"I will always come for you," Harry promised. "You are my one true love." With that vow, Harry left to seek his fortune on the sea.
Some months later, Draco learned that Harry's ship was attacked by the Dread Lord Riddle. The nefarious pirate was not known for leaving survivors, and Harry was presumed dead. Draco locked himself in his room for days. When he emerged, wan and gaunt, he vowed he would never love again.
Five years later...
Snaperdinck, the Half-Blood Prince, announced that he would finally wed. Snaperdinck introduced his intended to the populace as Prince Draco, and commanded that all bow before him.
Draco was above all of the fanfare. The only reason he was marrying the Half-Blood Prince was because the law of the land allowed Snaperdinck to marry whomever he wanted to. Draco had remained true to his vow to never love again, and held himself aloof. The only joy he found during this time was in his daily rides.
On one such day, Draco encountered three strangers by the trail. The bloke in the lead hailed Draco and asked if there was a village nearby.
"No," replied Draco from atop his horse. "There is nothing nearby."
The stranger smirked. "Then there will be no one to hear you scream." The giant who accompanied him dragged Draco from his horse and slung Draco over his meaty shoulder.
Draco fought, but to no avail. His strength was no match for the giant's. He was carried to a sailing vessel, and the boat pulled up anchor and headed out to sea. Draco tugged at his restraints, growing frustrated when he couldn't free himself. He perked up when he heard his captors discuss killing him.
"You never said anything about killing the prince, Zabini."
"I was hired to start a war between Hogwarts and Durmstrang," said the one called Zabini. "The prince's death will guarantee that the people of Hogwarts will want justice."
"But, Zabini," whined the giant, "we cannot simply kill him."
"We can and we will," growled Zabini. "Need I remind you two of everything I've done for you? Ineville, you were a drunken lout," he said, addressing the dark-haired swordsman. "Hagrid, you were in a traveling freak show until I rescued you and gave you a job."
The other two hung their heads in shame, and Draco began to despair. If they killed him, Snaperdinck would, indeed, want to avenge his death.
"We are being followed," said Ineville.
"Inconceivable," snorted Zabini. "No one saw us kidnap the prince. There is no way that Hogwarts would have been able to muster a rescue operation so soon."
"Then who is that behind us?" Hagrid asked.
Zabini joined them at the boat's stern, and they all watched another small craft in the distance. "It is a coincidence," said Zabini. "Nothing more."
They sailed through the night, and by morning, the other boat had drawn closer.
"Inconceivable!" cried Zabini. "We'll lose him at the Cliffs of Madness."
They dropped anchor and disembarked. Hagrid slung Draco over his back, while Zabini and Ineville clung to his broad shoulders. The giant began to climb the cliffs using a rope left there for that purpose. When they reached the top and looked back down, a man dressed all in black and wearing a mask was climbing the rope after them. Zabini cut the rope, but when he looked over the edge of the cliff, the man was clinging to the rocks.
"He didn't fall?! Inconceivable!"
"You keep saying that word," Ineville remarked. "I do not think it means what you think it means."
Zabini only glared at him. "When he reaches the top, kill him," he ordered. Zabini grabbed the rope that bound Draco's hands and began tugging him away.
"You be careful," Hagrid told Ineville. "Men who wear masks cannot be trusted."
Ineville watched the others go, then moved to the edge of the cliff. "Hello, down there!" he called in cheerful greeting.
"Please do not distract me," muttered the man in black as he struggled to climb the rock face.
"I will help you up," Ineville offered, extending a hand.
"How do I know I can trust you?"
Ineville straightened, and his face grew serious. "I swear on the soul of my dead father that I will see you safely up."
The man in black considered this a moment before nodding. "Toss me the rope."
Once the man in black was safely on top of the cliffs, Ineville invited him to take a moment to catch his breath. "Do you, by chance, have six fingers on your right hand?" he asked.
The masked man held up his hand, displaying the normal five digits.
Ineville seemed disappointed. "When I was a boy," he said, "my father was killed by a man with six fingers. The man commissioned a sword from my father, but when he came to get it, he wanted to pay much less than they had agreed upon. My father refused, and the bastard ran him through. I took up the sword to avenge my father, but the six-fingered man simply laughed and slashed my cheeks before riding away."
Ineville drew his sword and gazed at it. "This is the sword my father created. I will meet the six-fingered man again, and when I do, I will say to him, 'Hello. My name is Ineville Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die"
"It is a fine weapon," praised the masked man. He drew his own sword and assumed a fighting stance. The two men began with cautious thrusts and parries, testing one another's skill.
"Tell me," said the man. "Why do you work for Zabini? Surely someone of your skill could find work elsewhere." He danced back and blocked Ineville's strike.
"I only work for Zabini to pay the bills," Ineville said. "You're a fine swordsman yourself," he added. "Who are you?"
"No one of consequence," replied the man.
Their swords clashed again and again, striking sparks while the combatants dueled. Ineville was stunned when the masked man disarmed him. He sank to his knees on the sand. "Kill me quickly," he requested with quiet resignation.
"It would be a shame to kill you," said the man, "but I can't have you following me." With that, he struck Ineville on the back of the head with the hilt of his sword, knocking him unconscious. The masked man then followed the path that the others had taken.
When Zabini saw the man in black pursuing them, he was flabbergasted. "Inconceivable!" he bellowed. He turned to Hagrid. "Kill him," he said.
"How am I supposed to do that?" asked Hagrid.
Zabini threw his hands in the air. "You're a giant! Bash him over the head with a rock!" He then grabbed Draco's arm and hustled him away, leaving Hagrid to deal with the masked man.
The man in black skulked through a maze of boulders, following the trail. He cringed when a large rock exploded against one of the boulders, just missing his head. "You almost killed me!" he blurted.
"No, if I wanted to kill you, I would have hit you," Hagrid chuckled. "I have very good aim." He rose to his full height. "I wanted to give you a fair chance. Come, we will fight."
The man in black charged. He hit Hagrid in the midsection and bounced off.
Hagrid made a grab for him, but the masked man ducked beneath the giant's legs and leaped onto his back and wrapped his arms around Hagrid's throat. Hagrid was unable to reach his assailant. He tried to knock him off by slamming his back against one of the boulders, but the masked man doggedly held on. Eventually, lack of oxygen proved Hagrid's downfall. He collapsed into a heap on the ground.
The man in black checked the giant for a pulse, then continued his pursuit of Zabini and Draco.
In the meantime, Snaperdinck was also on the trail of his betrothed. He and his men came across the area where the sword fight had taken place. The Half-Blood Prince traced the footprints in the sand, determining which way the winner had gone. He mounted his horse and led his soldiers in that direction.
The masked man came upon Zabini. He was seated before a flat rock with a bound and blindfolded Draco at his side. Zabini held a knife to the young prince's throat. "Stop where you are, or I'll kill him," he said.
The man in black halted.
"You may have defeated my swordsman and my giant," said Zabini, "but you're no match for my intellect."
The masked man's jaw firmed. "I challenge you to a duel of wits."
"You're on!" crowed Zabini.
The man in black sat opposite him and pulled a vial from his pocket. He opened it and sniffed at it before handing it to Zabini. "What do you smell?"
Zabini gave it a cautious sniff. "I smell nothing."
"It's iocane," said the masked man. "Odorless and tasteless, it is nevertheless highly poisonous. Pour the wine that is conveniently placed there with those two goblets."
Zabini did as instructed.
"I am going to dump the iocane into one of these glasses," said the masked man. "Your challenge is to guess which one." He took both goblets and turned his back so that Zabini couldn't see what he was doing. The man turned back and set one goblet in front of each of them. "Tell me, which goblet contains the poison?"
"Logic says you would place the poison as far from yourself as possible, so I should not drink from the goblet in front of me," said Zabini. "However, you are clever enough to ascertain that I would know that; therefore, you would have placed the poison in your own goblet, anticipating that I would switch them." He continued blathering on about the probability of which goblet contained the poison, while the man in black simply sat there.
"Oh look! What is that?!" cried Zabini, pointing behind the masked man.
The man whipped his head around. "Where?" he asked. "I don't see anything."
Zabini took advantage of the masked man's distraction to switch the goblets. When the man turned back, Zabini shrugged. "My mistake," he said. "Now then, let us drink. I from the goblet in front of me, and you from your own goblet." So saying, Zabini picked up the goblet before him and raised it in a silent toast.
The man in black took up his own goblet and raised it. Each of them drank the contents.
"You moron!" Zabini taunted. "I switched the goblets when you weren't looking. You fell for it, and now you're going to die!" He laughed uproariously...right up until the moment that he fell over dead.
The masked man quickly removed Draco's blindfold and untied his hands. Draco looked at Zabini's lifeless body, then back at his rescuer.
"How did you know which goblet he would drink from?" he asked.
"Simple," said the man. "I put poison in both goblets. I swallowed a bezoar, and it rendered me immune to the poison." He pulled Draco to his feet and began leading him away.
"My betrothed is a wealthy man," said Draco. "He will pay a ransom if you release me."
"I am not interested in money," said the man.
Draco stumbled along in his wake, trying desperately to think of a way to gain his freedom. What manner of man wasn't interested in money? Draco dug in his heels. "I know who you are," he said. "You're the Dread Pirate Riddle!"
"At your service," said the man, sweeping Draco a mocking bow.
"You!" spat Draco. "You killed my love!"
"Who was this man?" asked the pirate. "A prince?"
"He was a simple farm boy, but he was sweet and honest and kind," said Draco.
"I remember this farm boy," mused the masked man. "Before he died, he spoke of a boy who was beautiful and faithful. Surely, he could not have meant you."
"You know nothing," snarled Draco, taking a step closer to the man. "You can die, for all I care!" he cried, giving the pirate a shove.
As he tumbled backwards down the hill, the man called out, "As you wish!"
Draco's eyes widened in horror. "Oh, my sweet Harry!" he gasped. "What have I done?!" He threw himself down the hill after his love.
At the bottom of the hill, the two of them sat up with matching groans.
"Harry!" Draco exclaimed, tugging the mask away from that beloved face. "You're alive!"
Harry swept Draco into his arms. "I told you I would always come back for you," he said. "Why did you not wait for me?"
"Well, you were dead."
Harry was about to reply when he saw a group of horsemen gather at the crest of the hill.
"It's Snaperdinck," said Draco.
"Come," said Harry, helping Draco to his feet. "We'll lose him in the Dark Swamp."
"We'll never survive," Draco protested, even as he ran with Harry towards the sanctuary of the trees.
"Nonsense. You're only saying that because nobody has."
Once inside the darkened marsh, Draco asked Harry where he'd been for the past five years. "I thought you were captured by the Dread Pirate Riddle."
"I was," said Harry. "I don't know why he chose to spare me. He said he needed a cabin boy. Each night, he would tell me to sleep tight, because he may decide to kill me in the morning. As it turns out, Riddle wanted to retire, and he was grooming me to be his replacement. He left the pirating business, and I became the Dread Pirate Riddle."
While telling his tale, Harry had been alert for danger. He didn't want to frighten Draco, which is why he neglected to tell his beloved about the creatures he saw stalking them.
"Do you reckon those stories about SOUSes are true?" Draco wondered.
"Spiders of Unusual Size?" Harry asked, eying one such specimen behind Draco. "I don't believe they exist."
No sooner had he said that then the spider launched an attack. It sprang at Draco, startling a terrified cry from him. Harry drew his sword and hacked off one of the creature's legs. It fastened its beady eyes on him, all eight of them, and scrabbled after him. Harry back-pedaled with a grimace of revulsion, swinging his sword to hold the spider at bay.
Draco threw a rock at the spider, distracting it momentarily when the missile struck its furred body. Harry took advantage of the spider's inattention to leap forward and bring his sword down in a deadly strike. The blade severed the spider's head, spraying green ichor all over the loamy floor. The creature's body tumbled to the side, legs twitching as it died.
Draco raced to Harry and nestled close to him, shaking in reaction. Harry gave him a comforting hug before stepping back and taking Draco's hand. "Come along," he said. "We need to escape the swamp by nightfall."
When they emerged from the marsh some time later, both of them blinked in the sunshine. They celebrated with a lingering kiss. After too many years apart, the press of their lips was sweet relief. The whinny of a horse alerted Harry and Draco to further danger.
"It's Snaperdinck!" hissed Draco. He wanted to run, but it was too late. The Half-Blood Prince and his men rode rapidly forward, surrounding Draco and Harry.
Harry drew his sword, prepared to defend his beloved.
"We surrender!" Draco blurted. He glanced nervously between Harry and Snaperdinck. "I'll return with you, so long as you let Harry live," he said.
Harry scowled. "No, Draco, I--"
"I accept," said Snaperdinck.
"Swear to me that you will spare him," Draco demanded as one of the men disarmed Harry.
"You have my word," promised the Half-Blood Prince. "We will return him to his ship, and he shall be free to go." As Draco nodded in relief, Snaperdinck leaned close to Count Rodolphus. "Take him to the Shrieking Shack," he muttered.
Rodolphus nodded, cold eyes narrowed on the dastardly pirate.
Draco mounted a spare horse, and Snaperdinck escorted him away.
Harry kept his eyes on Rodolphus, which is how he noticed the man had six fingers on his right hand. Clearly, Rodolphus was nothing more than a cold-blooded murderer.
"It's time we return you to your ship," said Rodolphus.
"You have no intention of setting me free," said Harry. "You plan to kill me."
One of the other guards struck Harry in the head with a sword hilt, and Harry knew no more.
When Harry woke up, he was strapped to a wooden plank, while being tended by a ginger. "Am I to be held here until I die?" he asked.
"Until I kill you, yeah," the ginger replied.
Back at the castle, Snaperdinck began to prepare for his wedding and for the upcoming war with Durmstrang. He had been the one to orchestrate Draco's initial abduction, and he now planned to murder Draco on their wedding night to drum up support for the war.
As Snaperdinck and Rodolphus plotted Draco's demise and the war with Durmstrang, Draco himself swept into Snaperdinck's study.
"I cannot marry you," Draco announced with a proud tilt to his chin. "Harry is the one I love, and to marry you would be to betray him. I would rather kill myself."
Snaperdinck stood and went to Draco's side. "I understand," he said, expression solemn. "I have an idea. You go and write four letters, addressed to your beloved. I shall send my four fastest ships in each direction, with the intent of delivering your letter once Harry is found. If he loves you as much as you love him, he will return for you. But, if he does not, would you reconsider your decision and marry me, instead?"
Draco pondered for a moment. "I will reconsider," he agreed. "But, I know that Harry will come for me."
The Half-Blood Prince smiled tightly. "I don't doubt it for a moment."
Once Draco took his leave, Snaperdinck turned to Rodolphus. "Go and see to our guest, will you?"
Rodolphus made his way to the Shrieking Shack, where Harry was still strapped to the plank. Suction cups were attached to Harry, and Rodolphus smirked while the ginger checked the various restraints.
"What do you think of my invention?" asked Rodolphus.
Harry was unable to answer.
"With this device, I can literally suck the life out of my prisoners," Rodolphus continued. "I call it the Dementor. Now, let's test it, shall we?"
Meanwhile, back at the castle, Snaperdinck was making plans with Yaxley, his chief enforcer, to beef up security. The Half-Blood Prince wanted the forest cleared of thieves and malcontents, and he authorized Yaxley to hire a squadron of men to see the deed done.
Hagrid was hired as one of the Troll Squad, assigned to clear the Forbidden Forest. There, he found Ineville. His friend had been drinking heavily, and Hagrid hauled Ineville home to sober him up.
After having his head dunked into a barrel of cold water several times, Ineville came up sputtering. "Enough!" he gasped.
"I found your six-fingered man," Hagrid told him with a wide grin. "He is at the castle." Indeed, Hagrid had spotted Count Rodolphus while he was training with the Troll Squad.
Ineville was thrilled with this news. Vengeance would be his at last! There was only one problem. "I'm not good at making plans," he admitted. "Zabini took care of that when I worked for him."
"I know who can help us," said Hagrid. "The masked man!"
"Brilliant!" agreed Ineville. "But, where is he?"
Harry was still being held in the Shrieking Shack, where the Count had used his Dementor to siphon off a year of Harry's life. In the meantime, Draco had come to the realization that Snaperdinck had not upheld his promise. He confronted the Half-Blood Prince in his study.
"You never sent your ships after Harry," Draco accused. "You knew he would return for me, and you were afraid. You're nothing but a coward!" Draco stormed out of the study, leaving a fuming Snaperdinck behind.
"A coward, am I?" snarled Snaperdinck. He decided it was time to get rid of Draco's beloved, once and for all. Snaperdinck rushed from his study to the ancient willow tree on the grounds. He opened the secret entrance in the tree's trunk, revealing a dark tunnel. Snaperdinck made his way quickly through the tunnel to the Shrieking Shack, where Rodolphus was supervising Harry's torture.
Snaperdinck grasped the handle of the Dementor and cranked it all the way up.
As Hagrid and Ineville emerged from Hagrid's hut, they heard an unholy scream come from the Shrieking Shack.
"What was that?" gasped Hagrid.
"That was the sound of true love dying," whispered Ineville. He looked at Hagrid, and together they blurted, "The man in black!"
"Let's go," said Ineville, dodging around villagers as he dashed in the direction of the castle. Near the willow, they encountered the ginger, who was bringing a wheelbarrow to haul Harry's body away.
"How do we get into the Shrieking Shack?" growled Ineville.
The ginger straightened and crossed his arms over his chest. "I don't remember," he insisted.
"Hagrid, jar his memory," Ineville said.
Hagrid bopped the ginger on the head, knocking him senseless. "Whoops," he said with a wince.
"Now we'll never find the masked man," groaned Ineville. "My father shall never be avenged." He slumped against the tree in defeat.
"You can't give up now," scolded Hagrid.
"You're right," said Ineville. He drew his sword and held it out in front of him. "I call upon the spirit of my dead father, Frank Diego Montoya. I need your help to guide me to the man in black." The sword wavered in front of him. It dipped down, then the tip began to slowly move. Ineville closed his eyes, trusting his father's spirit to point the way. The sword pulled him to and fro before it honed in on the willow tree. It thunked into the bark, and Ineville opened his eyes in time to see the hidden entrance revealed.
Ineville and Hagrid charged into the tunnel, Ineville's sword leading the way. They reached the interior of the Shrieking Shack, only to find the man in black dead. Hagrid hung his head in sorrow, while Ineville scrubbed a tired hand over his face. "We need a miracle," he sighed.
Hagrid immediately brightened. "I know where to get one."
With Ineville following, Hagrid carried Harry's body to the home of Miracle Maxophilius. Ineville knocked on the door, only to be berated by Miracle Max.
"Go away! I'm retired!" he shouted at them.
"Please, we need your help," Ineville pleaded.
"Go away, or I'll call the Troll Squad," threatened Max.
Hagrid stooped to peer at the old man. "I'm with the Troll Squad," he said.
Maxophilius' eyes widened. "You are the Troll Squad," he muttered. "Alright, alright, come on in." Max opened the door and beckoned them inside.
Hagrid laid Harry on the table, and Max bent over and placed an ear to Harry's chest. "He's mostly dead," he pronounced. "However, that's better than being all the way dead." Max looked at his guests. "For a miracle to work, there has to be a good reason for it to happen."
Ineville launched into a sob story. "He is married, with four children, and his wife cannot manage-"
"I don't believe you," said Max. "Let's just ask the dead man, shall we?" He fetched a bellows from the hearth and used it to pump air into Harry's lungs. "Why do you wish to live?" Max asked Harry.
Two words wheezed past Harry's lips.
"For luck!" chortled Max. "I knew it! You've been gambling, and he owes you money."
"Liar!" shouted a young woman, charging into the room from the back. "He said 'for love', not luck," she insisted, poking Maxophilius in the chest.
"Get away from me, you witch!" he cried, stumbling backward.
"I'm not a witch, I'm your daughter," said the young woman. She beamed at Ineville and Hagrid. "My name is Luna. Please forgive my father, he's lost his confidence ever since the Half-Blood Prince sacked him."
"Prince Draco is this man's true love," said Ineville. "If you bring him back, it will ruin Snaperdinck's plans to marry Draco."
"Now you're talking!" Max cackled. He quickly brewed a potion, which coalesced into a large chocolate-covered miracle pill.
Ineville accepted the pill, Hagrid scooped up Harry, and they left Max's hut. Luna waved goodbye and called out, "Have fun storming the castle!"
By the time darkness fell, Ineville and Hagrid were perched on a rampart overlooking the heavily-guarded castle. They force-fed the pill to Harry, and lo! It worked.
Harry's eyes opened. "Where am I?" he asked. "What happened?" His speech was slurred, and he was incapable of movement.
Ineville filled him in. He finished by saying, "The castle is guarded by sixty men, and Draco is to be married to Snaperdinck in less than an hour. We need to get inside, rescue Draco, kill the Count, and escape with our lives."
"What do we have on our side?" asked Harry.
"We have my sword," said Ineville, "along with Hagrid's strength and your brains."
"We need more time," muttered Harry. "I can't even walk. What I need is a wheelbarrow."
"The ginger had a wheelbarrow," said Hagrid.
"That's a start," Harry said. "What I wouldn't give for an Invisibility cloak."
"I have one right here," said Hagrid, pulling the shimmering material out of his shirt.
Ineville was surprised. "Where did you get that?"
"From Miracle Maxophilius," said Hagrid. "It fit so nice!"
Inside the castle, the wedding was about to begin. Draco walked down the aisle to Snaperdinck, his face pale and his steps halting and reluctant.
Outside, the guards were frightened when a voice boomed at them. "I am the Dread Pirate Riddle! I have come to steal your soooouls!"
The voice seemed near, yet they saw no one.
"I am coming for you!" roared the voice. "There will be no survivors!"
The guards panicked and ran, deserting their posts in favor of fleeing for their lives from the Dread Pirate Riddle. Only Yaxley remained, and he was clearly frightened.
From beneath the Invisibility cloak, Hagrid and Ineville rushed the gate, pushing Harry along in the wheelbarrow. Hagrid whisked the cloak away, and Ineville grabbed Yaxley's lapels. "Where is the gate key?" he demanded.
"I don't know what you're talking about," Yaxley stalled.
Ineville turned to the giant. "Hagrid, rip his arms off."
Yaxley blanched. "Oh! You mean this gate key," he said, withdrawing it from inside his shirt.
Ineville snatched it from him and opened the gate. Hagrid lifted Harry from the wheelbarrow and supported him as they staggered inside the castle. They were met by four guards and Count Rodolphus.
"Kill them," ordered Rodolphus.
Ineville showcased his dazzling sword work, dispatching the four guards with ease. His eyes narrowed on the Count. "Hello," he said. "My name is Ineville Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."
Rodolphus turned tail and ran.
Ineville was surprised, but he recovered and raced after the Count.
Back in the chapel, Snaperdinck was aware of the commotion, and he urged the clergyman to hurry the ceremony along. "Say husband and husband," growled Snaperdinck.
The clergyman blinked at him and said, "Husband and husband."
"At last," sighed Snaperdinck. He pressed a quick, hard kiss to Draco's lips before pushing his new husband into the care of the king and queen.
Bereft and bewildered, Draco allowed King Albus and Queen Minerva to escort him to the honeymoon suite. He squeezed their hands and thanked them for the kindness they had shown him during his stay at the castle.
"I'll be killing myself shortly," said Draco.
King Albus smiled and nodded. "Won't that be nice?"
Ineville was thwarted in his bid for vengeance when he ran afoul of a locked door. He pounded on the door to no avail. "Hagrid!" he shouted. "Hagrid, I need you!"
Hagrid wanted to rush to his friend's aid, but he was reluctant to leave a still-helpless Harry alone.
"Hagrid, please! He's getting away!"
Hagrid settled for draping Harry over a suit of armor before he lumbered down the corridor to assist Ineville. He broke the door down with ease and grinned as Ineville pushed past him in pursuit of Count Rodolphus. Hagrid made his way back up the corridor, only to find Harry missing.
Ineville chased after Rodolphus, catching up to him in the castle's Great Hall. The Count snatched a knife from the table and threw it. Ineville groaned in pain as the knife pierced his stomach. He staggered back and slumped against a wall. Rodolphus smirked and approached his wounded opponent. He used his sword to stab Ineville through each shoulder.
Ineville gathered his resolve. It couldn't end like this; it wouldn't! He pulled the knife from his stomach. "My name is Ineville Montoya," he panted. "You killed my father. Prepare to die."
The Count's grin faded, and he brought his sword to bear.
Ineville batted it away with his own sword. "My name is Ineville Montoya," he repeated. "You killed my father. Prepare to die." Ineville parried another attack by Rodolphus. "My name is Ineville Montoya," he said again, voice growing stronger. "You killed my father. Prepare to die!"
"Stop saying that!" bellowed the Count. He was back on his heels now as Ineville launched an attack.
"My name is Ineville Montoya! You killed my father! Prepare to die!"
Ineville wounded the Count's face and shoulders as he toyed with him. "My name is Ineville Montoya," he hissed. "You killed my father." Ineville knocked the sword from Rodolphus' hand. "Prepare to die." He ran the Count through, mortally wounding the man who had murdered his father.
Back in the honeymoon suite, Draco calmly seated himself at a vanity table and withdrew an ornamental dagger from a wooden box. He drew in a deep breath, grasped the dagger with both hands, and aimed it at his chest.
"There is a shortage of perfect bodies in this world. It would be a shame to damage yours."
Draco turned to see Harry reclining on the bed. "Harry!" he cried, flinging himself into his beloved's arms.
"Gently," chided Harry.
Draco peppered his face and throat with exuberant kisses, wriggling atop Harry. "At a time like this, that's all you can think to say?" he murmured.
"Gently!" Harry squeaked.
Draco sat up and worried his lower lip with his teeth. "Forgive me, Harry," he said, "but I've married Snaperdinck. I didn't mean to," he added quickly.
"Did you say, 'I do'?" asked Harry.
"No, we sort of skipped over that part," said Draco.
"Then it wasn't a legal marriage," Harry said.
"A mere technicality," drawled Snaperdinck, having intruded on Draco's reunion with Harry. "First, however, we must battle to the death," he said, directing his challenge to Harry.
"No," said Harry. "To the pain!"
Snaperdinck cocked his head to the side. "To the pain? I'm not sure I follow."
"First, I shall cut off your feet just above the ankles," Harry said. "Next, I will chop off your hands at the wrists. Then, I'll lop off your huge beak of a nose before gouging out your eyes."
Snaperdinck rolled the eyes in question. "Yes, yes, and then you'll cut off my ears," he sighed, gesturing with his sword. "I get it."
"No," Harry said again. "Your ears you'll keep, and this is why. Each time a woman screams at the sight of your disfigurement, every time a child cries to see your freakish ugliness, the sounds will echo in your perfect ears."
Snaperdinck's face paled at the horrific threat.
Harry levered himself out of the bed and brandished his weapon. "Drop your sword," he ordered.
Snaperdinck let his sword clatter to the floor, and he stumbled back to sit on a wooden chair.
Draco quickly tied the Half-Blood Prince to the chair, while Harry sagged against the wall.
Ineville burst into the suite and took in the situation at a glance. "Do you want me to kill him?" he asked, pointing his sword at Snaperdinck.
Harry shook his head no. "He can live with his cowardice," he said.
From outside, they heard Hagrid calling. Harry, Draco and Ineville rushed to the window and peered down into the courtyard. Hagrid was holding the reins of four white horses. "I found them in the stable," he said. "Since there are four of us, I brought them with me."
Harry helped Draco up on the window ledge. Draco jumped down, and Hagrid caught him and settled him atop one of the horses.
"Now that I've avenged my father, I don't know what to do with my life," Ineville admitted to Harry.
"Have you ever considered piracy?" asked Harry, climbing up on the ledge. "I think you'd make a brilliant Dread Pirate Riddle." He jumped down, followed closely by Ineville. They mounted the remaining horses, and the four of them cantered from the courtyard, making their escape.
By the following morning, Harry and Draco were far away from Hogwarts. They pulled their horses to a halt in a sunlit meadow. Harry drew Draco into his arms and kissed him. It was the purest, most passionate kiss in the history of kisses.
Harry raised his head and smiled at his beloved. "Draco," he whispered. "Will you marry me?"
Draco smiled back at him. "As you wish."
Cross-posted to hd_smoochfest