Collaborative fic: You've Been Spammed!
Title: You've Been Spammed!
Authors: miss0sheree and enchanted_jae
Characters: Harry, Draco, and the cast of Hogwarts
Rating: PG
Warning(s): Crack, fluff
Word count: 1105
Teaser: "Malfoy looks good enough to lick. Besides, even Harry looks overheated!"
Disclaimer: Characters are the property of JK Rowling, et al. This drabble/fic was written for fun, not for profit.
Authors' note: This is a collaborative fic, which had its beginnings in an IM conversation that had to do with Aoife getting spammed by stalkerish fangirls. See? Good things sometimes come from stalkers!
Summary: Hogwarts is hosting a modeling contest, and it's down to two final contestants. Who will the winner be, and more importantly, what will the prize be?
Hermione nudged Harry out on stage, where he reluctantly strode out on the catwalk, dressed in resplendent wizarding robes. He was one of the two finalists in the annual Witch Weekly's Next Model contest, sponsored by Hogwarts.
"Do you think he has a chance?" asked Ginny.
"I don't know," Hermione said uncertainly. "He has the look, but not the attitude."
Ginny grimaced. "You're right. He's never been able to pull off the 'I'm hot as hell and all shall bow to me' attitude that all the models have in the fashion magazines."
Sighing, Hermione turned to check out the competition and quickly did a double take. "Oh my god! Take a look at what Malfoy's changed into! Was that outfit painted on?" she gasped.
As Harry all but scampered off the stage, Ginny turned to look at the other finalist, and her jaw dropped open. Malfoy was wearing form-fitting black trousers, in leather no less, and a silk shirt in Slytherin green. He smirked at Harry in passing, and then he glided gracefully onto the catwalk. He didn't just walk, he strutted.
"Merlin's pantaloons!" she breathed. "Is it even legal to look that good?" Then turning to Ron who was hissing angrily at her for 'siding with the enemy', she spat. "Oh shut up, Ron! What do you want me to do, pretend I'm blind? Or that I have bad taste? Malfoy looks good enough to lick. Besides, even Harry looks overheated!" Ron, aghast, quickly whirled around to find that yes, Harry did in fact looked ready to faint. His face was flushed and a light sheen of sweat was coating his body as he stared fixatedly at the "competition".
Malfoy executed a perfect turn at the end of the catwalk, pivoting on the balls of his feet before sauntering back up the aisle with a noticeable sway to his hips. Several Hogwarts students screamed from the audience...girls and boys alike. Malfoy paused before exiting the stage to look back at the crowd from over his shoulder, a sulky, sexy pout pulling at his lower lip. As he brushed by Harry and his friends, he tossed his head at Harry and sneered, "Top that!"
Without thinking, Harry shot back, "It should be easy to top a bottom like you!" Horrified, he clapped a hand over his mouth, while Hermione and Ginny giggled and Ron buried his face in his hands.
With a smirk, Draco retorted. "I always knew you wanted a piece of this.Too bad you can only look but not touch." And with that parting shot he sauntered back to his friends who were all clapping and giving out lewd cat calls.
Clearing his throat, the headmaster motioned for silence and eventually the Hall died down. "A most entertaining show by all our participants! Let's all give them a round of applause!" A deafening applause filled the room to the rafters. "Yes, thank you." Dumbledore continued. "Also let's not forget our other sponsors, Madame Malkin's Robes for all Occasions and, of course, The Wizard's Grocer where they will always meet your shopping needs with bargain prices and a smile."
"And now, to announce the winner," Dumbledore proclaimed with a twinkle in his eyes. He opened the envelope delivered by owl and read the results: "The winner of this year's Witch Weekly's Next Model is...DRACO MALFOY!"
Draco high-fived his fellow Slytherins before rushing back onstage. "Oh what do I get? Is it something to conquer the world? A new Unforgivable?" he gushed.
"Why Draco Malfoy! You've won....Spam for life!" Dumbledore announced with a flourish as he produced a large sized check made out to Draco, but instead of having a monetary amount, it had the words 'Spam for Life courtesy of The Wizard's Grocer' stamped on it.
"Spam? What the bloody hell is Spam?" Draco growled as he examined the life-sized check. This didn't look like something he could use for world domination or even for lording over his Slytherin minions. What the hell was going on here?
From backstage, he heard the Gryffindorks laughing. At him. Scowling, he narrowed his seething, silvery gaze on Potter and barked, "What's so funny?"
Taking his glasses off to wipe tears of mirth from his eyes, Harry replied, "How appropriate. Spam suits you, Malfoy, because it's nothing but cheap, canned ham!"
Ham? Ham? He had spent hours planning his wardrobe, cleaning his bits and shaving down areas he didn't even know had hair, so he could look this good for this whole bloody contest and they give him HAM? And apparently the cheap variety at that? He didn't know what Potter meant by 'canned' but he was certain it could only be something evil. Maybe the ham, along with being cheap and let's face it, H-A-M, was also charmed to bite him perhaps? Or possibly be a portkey to some place where strange men would do unspeakable things to him? You can never trust anything that Potter of all people had intimate knowledge of.
While Draco pondered the horrors of Spam, Dumbledore was announcing the second place prize.
"And for being our runner-up, Harry Potter has won a free fitting at Madame Malkin's, along with a selection of three ties!"
"What?!" Draco all but screeched. "Why does he win something decent, while I'm stuck with, with canned ham?!"
"Mr Potter's prize is a one-time thing," Dumbledore pointed out, "whereas your prize is Spam for life!" With that, he turned to present Potter with his prize, leaving Draco to seethe at the unfairness of it all.
"Bloody Gryffindors and their foul play! Giving Potter of all people a free fitting at Malkins!" Draco grumbled as he crossed his arms over his chest. He probably wouldn't even use it too! Circe knows the boy hasn't bought any new clothes since his first year! He'd probably donate it to charity or an orphaned boy he rescued from a burning building on the way to Hogsmeade! Stupid Potter and his stupid prize! He snorted indignantly. It figures that even when he finally beat the Golden Boy at something, the Bumbling Savior of the Wizarding World still got the better deal. Sighing, Draco sat heavily down on one of the vacated chairs. Someone up there must really hate him. Because here he was the fairest boy in all the land and all he had was...spam.
And he still didn't know what the blasted thing was!
Authors: miss0sheree and enchanted_jae
Characters: Harry, Draco, and the cast of Hogwarts
Rating: PG
Warning(s): Crack, fluff
Word count: 1105
Teaser: "Malfoy looks good enough to lick. Besides, even Harry looks overheated!"
Disclaimer: Characters are the property of JK Rowling, et al. This drabble/fic was written for fun, not for profit.
Authors' note: This is a collaborative fic, which had its beginnings in an IM conversation that had to do with Aoife getting spammed by stalkerish fangirls. See? Good things sometimes come from stalkers!
Summary: Hogwarts is hosting a modeling contest, and it's down to two final contestants. Who will the winner be, and more importantly, what will the prize be?
Hermione nudged Harry out on stage, where he reluctantly strode out on the catwalk, dressed in resplendent wizarding robes. He was one of the two finalists in the annual Witch Weekly's Next Model contest, sponsored by Hogwarts.
"Do you think he has a chance?" asked Ginny.
"I don't know," Hermione said uncertainly. "He has the look, but not the attitude."
Ginny grimaced. "You're right. He's never been able to pull off the 'I'm hot as hell and all shall bow to me' attitude that all the models have in the fashion magazines."
Sighing, Hermione turned to check out the competition and quickly did a double take. "Oh my god! Take a look at what Malfoy's changed into! Was that outfit painted on?" she gasped.
As Harry all but scampered off the stage, Ginny turned to look at the other finalist, and her jaw dropped open. Malfoy was wearing form-fitting black trousers, in leather no less, and a silk shirt in Slytherin green. He smirked at Harry in passing, and then he glided gracefully onto the catwalk. He didn't just walk, he strutted.
"Merlin's pantaloons!" she breathed. "Is it even legal to look that good?" Then turning to Ron who was hissing angrily at her for 'siding with the enemy', she spat. "Oh shut up, Ron! What do you want me to do, pretend I'm blind? Or that I have bad taste? Malfoy looks good enough to lick. Besides, even Harry looks overheated!" Ron, aghast, quickly whirled around to find that yes, Harry did in fact looked ready to faint. His face was flushed and a light sheen of sweat was coating his body as he stared fixatedly at the "competition".
Malfoy executed a perfect turn at the end of the catwalk, pivoting on the balls of his feet before sauntering back up the aisle with a noticeable sway to his hips. Several Hogwarts students screamed from the audience...girls and boys alike. Malfoy paused before exiting the stage to look back at the crowd from over his shoulder, a sulky, sexy pout pulling at his lower lip. As he brushed by Harry and his friends, he tossed his head at Harry and sneered, "Top that!"
Without thinking, Harry shot back, "It should be easy to top a bottom like you!" Horrified, he clapped a hand over his mouth, while Hermione and Ginny giggled and Ron buried his face in his hands.
With a smirk, Draco retorted. "I always knew you wanted a piece of this.Too bad you can only look but not touch." And with that parting shot he sauntered back to his friends who were all clapping and giving out lewd cat calls.
Clearing his throat, the headmaster motioned for silence and eventually the Hall died down. "A most entertaining show by all our participants! Let's all give them a round of applause!" A deafening applause filled the room to the rafters. "Yes, thank you." Dumbledore continued. "Also let's not forget our other sponsors, Madame Malkin's Robes for all Occasions and, of course, The Wizard's Grocer where they will always meet your shopping needs with bargain prices and a smile."
"And now, to announce the winner," Dumbledore proclaimed with a twinkle in his eyes. He opened the envelope delivered by owl and read the results: "The winner of this year's Witch Weekly's Next Model is...DRACO MALFOY!"
Draco high-fived his fellow Slytherins before rushing back onstage. "Oh what do I get? Is it something to conquer the world? A new Unforgivable?" he gushed.
"Why Draco Malfoy! You've won....Spam for life!" Dumbledore announced with a flourish as he produced a large sized check made out to Draco, but instead of having a monetary amount, it had the words 'Spam for Life courtesy of The Wizard's Grocer' stamped on it.
"Spam? What the bloody hell is Spam?" Draco growled as he examined the life-sized check. This didn't look like something he could use for world domination or even for lording over his Slytherin minions. What the hell was going on here?
From backstage, he heard the Gryffindorks laughing. At him. Scowling, he narrowed his seething, silvery gaze on Potter and barked, "What's so funny?"
Taking his glasses off to wipe tears of mirth from his eyes, Harry replied, "How appropriate. Spam suits you, Malfoy, because it's nothing but cheap, canned ham!"
Ham? Ham? He had spent hours planning his wardrobe, cleaning his bits and shaving down areas he didn't even know had hair, so he could look this good for this whole bloody contest and they give him HAM? And apparently the cheap variety at that? He didn't know what Potter meant by 'canned' but he was certain it could only be something evil. Maybe the ham, along with being cheap and let's face it, H-A-M, was also charmed to bite him perhaps? Or possibly be a portkey to some place where strange men would do unspeakable things to him? You can never trust anything that Potter of all people had intimate knowledge of.
While Draco pondered the horrors of Spam, Dumbledore was announcing the second place prize.
"And for being our runner-up, Harry Potter has won a free fitting at Madame Malkin's, along with a selection of three ties!"
"What?!" Draco all but screeched. "Why does he win something decent, while I'm stuck with, with canned ham?!"
"Mr Potter's prize is a one-time thing," Dumbledore pointed out, "whereas your prize is Spam for life!" With that, he turned to present Potter with his prize, leaving Draco to seethe at the unfairness of it all.
"Bloody Gryffindors and their foul play! Giving Potter of all people a free fitting at Malkins!" Draco grumbled as he crossed his arms over his chest. He probably wouldn't even use it too! Circe knows the boy hasn't bought any new clothes since his first year! He'd probably donate it to charity or an orphaned boy he rescued from a burning building on the way to Hogsmeade! Stupid Potter and his stupid prize! He snorted indignantly. It figures that even when he finally beat the Golden Boy at something, the Bumbling Savior of the Wizarding World still got the better deal. Sighing, Draco sat heavily down on one of the vacated chairs. Someone up there must really hate him. Because here he was the fairest boy in all the land and all he had was...spam.
And he still didn't know what the blasted thing was!