(no subject)
i haven't been here in awhile.... i've been overtaken by myspace and xanga.... but right now this seems to be better because just about no one even reads anymore. I was looking through stina's old entries and found this quiz thing that makes you right down names and numbers and whatever else... and generates things... it's SOMEWHAT accurate...here were my results
• john is the one that you love.
• den is one you like but can't work out.
• You care most about stina.
• donna is the one who knows you very well.
• candace is your lucky star.
• just not tonight is the song that matches with john.
• grey street is the song for den.
• for you i will is the song that tells you most about YOUR mind.
• and shadow is the song telling you how you feel about life
pretty much the only thing thats wrong is the den and john thing... used to like den... that lasted a week maybe... now he's just about my other half and really is like my big brother. And john... well john and i have had such an odd history i don't even know anymore. I never loved him. That i know. Did i like him? yes... but that was a given. You know i sit here and look through stina's LJ and laugh because there are surveys and stuff that backtrack to the times when it was just me, stina, den and john. And like i just relived the past year and a half of my life. from burger king to random nights.... or stina being mad at john just because he made me cry. She didn't always have a real reason...if her hurt me or made me mad...he in turn made her angry. Thats how it was with den too tho... if he upset stina or pissed her off i would give him constant hell. Wednesday night we were joking around and did our gay little "family" handshake and talked about the last time we did that...when it wasn't as gay.
It was a boyle house party and at that point the four of us were drifting apart very slowly. I think it was in between keg stnads i don't know and all of a sudden the four of us were in the corner of the kitchen. There was a joint feeling of "wow it hasn't been like this in a long time". and that was when it began, all of us in our completely wasted glory started going on about how much we love one another, and that no matter what the hell happens, no matter how many fights, no matter where we are in 10 years we are a family. We are the original family and we love each other more than anyone else. and then the boys engulfed me and stina between the two of them and just hugged us all together while stina and i were crying our eyes out and we just stayed like that for a good minute or so. to this day i still think that will be one of the greatest moemnts ever and one of the most impossible to describe feelings i've ever expereinced.
but now things are a little different.... those days are over and its a harsh reality lately. things have changed so much, i dont know what is even going on anymore. I want to get my life in order. I want to graduate college.. not for me though for my mom. She never got to go to school, and lets face it she's not going to be around that much longer. I'd want to graduate for her so she can be proud of me. I want to kick all of these freakin addictions and all of that. I want to be able to live my life and maybe be happy again. happiness what is that...Yeah there are the breaks of having fun and laughing my ass off but i haven't been truly happy in so long. i just have too much in my head right now. I can't striaghten it all out.
i don't know.... too many things are going on emotionally... last week it was a fucking moron who brings out skeletons in my closet and makes me relive things that i dont think i want to relive anymore.
i need to get away... just off this stupid island.
sigh...i gotta remember to just breathe
• john is the one that you love.
• den is one you like but can't work out.
• You care most about stina.
• donna is the one who knows you very well.
• candace is your lucky star.
• just not tonight is the song that matches with john.
• grey street is the song for den.
• for you i will is the song that tells you most about YOUR mind.
• and shadow is the song telling you how you feel about life
pretty much the only thing thats wrong is the den and john thing... used to like den... that lasted a week maybe... now he's just about my other half and really is like my big brother. And john... well john and i have had such an odd history i don't even know anymore. I never loved him. That i know. Did i like him? yes... but that was a given. You know i sit here and look through stina's LJ and laugh because there are surveys and stuff that backtrack to the times when it was just me, stina, den and john. And like i just relived the past year and a half of my life. from burger king to random nights.... or stina being mad at john just because he made me cry. She didn't always have a real reason...if her hurt me or made me mad...he in turn made her angry. Thats how it was with den too tho... if he upset stina or pissed her off i would give him constant hell. Wednesday night we were joking around and did our gay little "family" handshake and talked about the last time we did that...when it wasn't as gay.
It was a boyle house party and at that point the four of us were drifting apart very slowly. I think it was in between keg stnads i don't know and all of a sudden the four of us were in the corner of the kitchen. There was a joint feeling of "wow it hasn't been like this in a long time". and that was when it began, all of us in our completely wasted glory started going on about how much we love one another, and that no matter what the hell happens, no matter how many fights, no matter where we are in 10 years we are a family. We are the original family and we love each other more than anyone else. and then the boys engulfed me and stina between the two of them and just hugged us all together while stina and i were crying our eyes out and we just stayed like that for a good minute or so. to this day i still think that will be one of the greatest moemnts ever and one of the most impossible to describe feelings i've ever expereinced.
but now things are a little different.... those days are over and its a harsh reality lately. things have changed so much, i dont know what is even going on anymore. I want to get my life in order. I want to graduate college.. not for me though for my mom. She never got to go to school, and lets face it she's not going to be around that much longer. I'd want to graduate for her so she can be proud of me. I want to kick all of these freakin addictions and all of that. I want to be able to live my life and maybe be happy again. happiness what is that...Yeah there are the breaks of having fun and laughing my ass off but i haven't been truly happy in so long. i just have too much in my head right now. I can't striaghten it all out.
i don't know.... too many things are going on emotionally... last week it was a fucking moron who brings out skeletons in my closet and makes me relive things that i dont think i want to relive anymore.
i need to get away... just off this stupid island.
sigh...i gotta remember to just breathe