Dancing by myself..
I need to relax and trust. I was re reading a lot of what I wrote and I need to take my own advice. Well I seem to have met someone who is not jerking me around. Roger. . Its funny, he said something to me that I have really been thinking about. He is leaving in a week, but he told me he coming back for me around Christmas. Its like one chapter of my life is ending, and so much more is beginning.
I remember liking Jonathan for years, years and years. And I always wondered where we were. What part of the book we were at. I suppose I am thinking in the same metaphors now. Sometimes things seem to go to be true. (remembering Scott thing). I think your relationships prepare you for where you need to be when you meet the person you're meant to be with. I need to relax. And that had gotten so hard for me.
When I was with Paul in high school it was easy just to fly with it. But i have gotten so insecure. Like with new people, I feel like I have so much to prove. Its not like with Stephen who is my best friend and knows all the crazy shit about me. He's seen it and we are still friends and there's so much comfort in that. And vice versa. We know the weird, you don't want to talk about shit with each other. That is a real friend. If I ever got married, I would ask steve to be my "best man" lol!!!
i am so afraid of being happy. like its going to slip out of my grasp if i don't play my cards right. its this whole faith thing I lack.
damn there is a great song on. Golden Years (anyone ever see "A Knights Tale"?) its so bad ass. It makes me want to dance. Yipee!!!!!
*dancing alone in the computer room praying no one is watching*
last night i had some fun family time. we all sang karoke to the soundtrack of the wedding singer after the movie. it was a blast. it was me, my sis, and my mom. although it was kind of embarrassing because Roger and George walked in. Randy opened the door without telling us.
more work tonight. man, it is going ot be so much easier to work when roger is gone. I am thinking of pursueing a career in grant writing. Because you can do it from home and it pays a lot. its not that i am into money, but i'd like not to have to worry about it. in an ideal world i would buy a small island off the coast of canada build a tiny little shack on it and be a hermit. . or maybe I would have a nice cozy little house with nice big yard and neighbors far enough away.
i am so not a fan of suburbia. ick. old women riooing each other to shreds.
i wonder how ready i am to complete this "growing up" thing. i think i am. but i guess its all a kind of trial by fire you know? sometimes you just have to go in headfirst. that and remind yourself how fun life can be. yes life can be fun. life can be jumping in piles of leaves even when your in your twenties. mock sword fights with brooms and strip twister.
i seem to have lost that a little bit. i am sitting here thinking of how changed my view of life has become. i guess its still essentially the same. i need to let go.
i am really looking forward to christmas because if things work out the way I want them to I will get to meet Zach, Roger's son. I'd like to meet Victoria too, but I don't know how or if that would work. I guess I shouldn't tell Roger about the whole thing I have against the name Victoria.
Roger is fun because he's not afraid to joke around and be silly. I need to do that silly thing more, I am being a touch redundant, but its really important because I am going to mess up a good thing if I don't chill out.
oh man I sooooo want a cd player adapter for my car. on that note i am going to go to hobby lobby to buy bitty a scrapbook and confirm one last renegade feeling. it feels 100% gone, i just need to double check.
I remember liking Jonathan for years, years and years. And I always wondered where we were. What part of the book we were at. I suppose I am thinking in the same metaphors now. Sometimes things seem to go to be true. (remembering Scott thing). I think your relationships prepare you for where you need to be when you meet the person you're meant to be with. I need to relax. And that had gotten so hard for me.
When I was with Paul in high school it was easy just to fly with it. But i have gotten so insecure. Like with new people, I feel like I have so much to prove. Its not like with Stephen who is my best friend and knows all the crazy shit about me. He's seen it and we are still friends and there's so much comfort in that. And vice versa. We know the weird, you don't want to talk about shit with each other. That is a real friend. If I ever got married, I would ask steve to be my "best man" lol!!!
i am so afraid of being happy. like its going to slip out of my grasp if i don't play my cards right. its this whole faith thing I lack.
damn there is a great song on. Golden Years (anyone ever see "A Knights Tale"?) its so bad ass. It makes me want to dance. Yipee!!!!!
*dancing alone in the computer room praying no one is watching*
last night i had some fun family time. we all sang karoke to the soundtrack of the wedding singer after the movie. it was a blast. it was me, my sis, and my mom. although it was kind of embarrassing because Roger and George walked in. Randy opened the door without telling us.
more work tonight. man, it is going ot be so much easier to work when roger is gone. I am thinking of pursueing a career in grant writing. Because you can do it from home and it pays a lot. its not that i am into money, but i'd like not to have to worry about it. in an ideal world i would buy a small island off the coast of canada build a tiny little shack on it and be a hermit. . or maybe I would have a nice cozy little house with nice big yard and neighbors far enough away.
i am so not a fan of suburbia. ick. old women riooing each other to shreds.
i wonder how ready i am to complete this "growing up" thing. i think i am. but i guess its all a kind of trial by fire you know? sometimes you just have to go in headfirst. that and remind yourself how fun life can be. yes life can be fun. life can be jumping in piles of leaves even when your in your twenties. mock sword fights with brooms and strip twister.
i seem to have lost that a little bit. i am sitting here thinking of how changed my view of life has become. i guess its still essentially the same. i need to let go.
i am really looking forward to christmas because if things work out the way I want them to I will get to meet Zach, Roger's son. I'd like to meet Victoria too, but I don't know how or if that would work. I guess I shouldn't tell Roger about the whole thing I have against the name Victoria.
Roger is fun because he's not afraid to joke around and be silly. I need to do that silly thing more, I am being a touch redundant, but its really important because I am going to mess up a good thing if I don't chill out.
oh man I sooooo want a cd player adapter for my car. on that note i am going to go to hobby lobby to buy bitty a scrapbook and confirm one last renegade feeling. it feels 100% gone, i just need to double check.