I hurt my throat pretty badly screaming into my pillow.
This doesn't make much sense at all. I just sat down and started typing. Towards the end it's mainly addressed to my mom.
I hate throwing myself pity parties.
But I am terribly upset at the moment.
Overwhelmed.
My grades. If I’m not failing one class, I’m failing another. I bring one grade up, the other goes down. Fucking Newton’s Laws of DesiRee’s grades.
Betty is a conservative old hag who doesn’t know how to run a newspaper or deal with teenagers.
I feel like all I ever do lately is make Robert sad. And when he’s sad I cant cheer him up. At all. I feel, worthless. Like some shitty baggage of a girlfriend.
Sometimes I feel like I’m Paloma, and I don’t know it because everyone hates me too much to tell me.
I feel like I can’t cheer anyone up. If someone is sad, I just sit there like a lump, maybe mutter “I’m sorry…” but I can never think of something good to say.
GIVE ME TIME. EVERYONE NEEDS SOMETHING FUCKING NOW. Just… I need more time. Everything has to be done now and no one realizes there’s just not enough time in a day for it all to happen. “I give you time at home to work on this, why don’t you do it?” Uh, NO. You only think you do, every other teacher does, too. So by the end of the day, I have two to three days worth of homework to do in one night. How can I be expected to perform to the best of my ability on everything?
Home.
Nothing I do is good enough.
She constantly asks what’s wrong, I can’t tell her. I can’t talk to her. She always gets so angry at me. I want her to stop asking me what’s bothering me.
She’s trying so hard to keep me from hating her or drifting away that she doesn’t know she’s pushing me away.
The rules for me need to be updated. I’m seventeen, not twelve. Midnight curfew? Lenient, yes, but bothersome as I’m allowed to be out in the city past then, plus we like to do things till past 12. Its not like any of us are doing any wrong. I understand the “no boys in the house” rule because you don’t trust me. You say you do, but I know you don’t. If you trusted me you would let me have Robert over to watch movies, as you clearly saw, nothing was happening at all. I don’t see what you’re worried about. We’re not having sex. I haven’t even given him a fucking hand job yet. Even if I was having sex, I would have the common sense to at least use a condom, and probably ask you to take me to get birth control. I’m not stupid, I know the risks of certain actions, and how best to prevent things. You act like when you aren’t around me I’m out having unprotected sex with 5 different guys while shooting up heroin and drinking vodka. Try actually trusting me. Yeah, I might make a mistake or two you tried to prevent in the process, like being cheated on. But life is about making mistakes and learning from them. How can I grow and learn about life if I’m not permitted to experience possible mistakes or great choices for myself?
*sigh* I'm terribly exhausted at this point.
I'll rant more later. Maybe.
I hate throwing myself pity parties.
But I am terribly upset at the moment.
Overwhelmed.
My grades. If I’m not failing one class, I’m failing another. I bring one grade up, the other goes down. Fucking Newton’s Laws of DesiRee’s grades.
Betty is a conservative old hag who doesn’t know how to run a newspaper or deal with teenagers.
I feel like all I ever do lately is make Robert sad. And when he’s sad I cant cheer him up. At all. I feel, worthless. Like some shitty baggage of a girlfriend.
Sometimes I feel like I’m Paloma, and I don’t know it because everyone hates me too much to tell me.
I feel like I can’t cheer anyone up. If someone is sad, I just sit there like a lump, maybe mutter “I’m sorry…” but I can never think of something good to say.
GIVE ME TIME. EVERYONE NEEDS SOMETHING FUCKING NOW. Just… I need more time. Everything has to be done now and no one realizes there’s just not enough time in a day for it all to happen. “I give you time at home to work on this, why don’t you do it?” Uh, NO. You only think you do, every other teacher does, too. So by the end of the day, I have two to three days worth of homework to do in one night. How can I be expected to perform to the best of my ability on everything?
Home.
Nothing I do is good enough.
She constantly asks what’s wrong, I can’t tell her. I can’t talk to her. She always gets so angry at me. I want her to stop asking me what’s bothering me.
She’s trying so hard to keep me from hating her or drifting away that she doesn’t know she’s pushing me away.
The rules for me need to be updated. I’m seventeen, not twelve. Midnight curfew? Lenient, yes, but bothersome as I’m allowed to be out in the city past then, plus we like to do things till past 12. Its not like any of us are doing any wrong. I understand the “no boys in the house” rule because you don’t trust me. You say you do, but I know you don’t. If you trusted me you would let me have Robert over to watch movies, as you clearly saw, nothing was happening at all. I don’t see what you’re worried about. We’re not having sex. I haven’t even given him a fucking hand job yet. Even if I was having sex, I would have the common sense to at least use a condom, and probably ask you to take me to get birth control. I’m not stupid, I know the risks of certain actions, and how best to prevent things. You act like when you aren’t around me I’m out having unprotected sex with 5 different guys while shooting up heroin and drinking vodka. Try actually trusting me. Yeah, I might make a mistake or two you tried to prevent in the process, like being cheated on. But life is about making mistakes and learning from them. How can I grow and learn about life if I’m not permitted to experience possible mistakes or great choices for myself?
*sigh* I'm terribly exhausted at this point.
I'll rant more later. Maybe.