thought process
I've been doing allot of thinking lately about what I want. Where I want to go and how I want to be when I grow up. Then I start to think about what it means to be "grow up". anyone who knows me knows I haven't grown in height in awhile. What does that mean when I "grow up"? When your a kid people always ask you what you want to be when you grow up. I never wanted to be an astronaut or a doctor or a firefighter. I always had answers like archeologist and marine biologist at a young age. The other night Mike said that oldest children in families are the most ambitious. Maybe that is true. There are so many things I want to accomplish in my lifetime. Places I want to see, bands I want to see in concert, things I want to create...I have a list of a million things I want to accomplish. And I can't seem to get much of anything done. I put things off. Perhaps, I am afraid to succeed. This probably sounds familiar. maybe not. now that I'm doing better in school-I feel like I have to do better than I've done. And that is going to take more work. It seems life is all about work. and money. Last night Mulkey came in and was talking to Brittany and I about God. I've been raised Catholic. I've never had a very strong faith. Sometimes I feel condemed when I go to church not loved. Mulkey talked about how in the beginning God told us all the time we were great and then they at the apple. And God didn't do that anymore. He told us how we need to do better. Not to gain his love back, because he loves us unconditionally-just so that we can live by his example and show others how to live. And that is why as humans we crave attention and recognition for what we do. And that God made us all individuals yet we all strive to be like one another. It gave me a new perspective on things. I know I'm not perfect-no one is. But I'd like to think I'm doing everything I can. And I'm not. I'm so incredibly lazy. Even at work. Sometimes I just don't care. I never think about what I'm doing in terms of-am I pleasing God? I find that a little silly. I feel like a slacker because I don't play guitar as often and I should-I never call people and those kinds of things. I don't read my Bible and I haven't been to church in a few weeks. I don't think I am going to be condemed to hell for that. I am thankful for my friends, all that I have and I try to do good. I am not going to live my life according to what one pastor says over the next. Everyone has their own thought process on things. In the end it's going to be between me and God. Not anyone else. I do good because I care about people, and I wish the world could be a better place. I do things because I want to-not because I have do. I have a choice. We all have choices. The bottom line is-I dont' want to make the wrong choice. So instead, I'm sort of lazy. I don't do all I can when I can. I haven't made any decisions about where I'm going to school or what my career is going to be. I feel pulled so several different places and I never feel like there is ever enough time to decide. And I'm choosy about who I talk to and where I go. Because, I don't to waste time with those who don't understand me. I would rather not have fingers pointed at me or people trying to give my advice about things I already know. I have allot of wisdom for my age. I pay bills. I go to school. I love my real friends. I give people the benefit of the doubt. I try not to liter and I'm nice to my family-usually. I don't tell other people what to think. I don't like people who get in my face and preach. I still haven't decided on a career. I haven't decided allot of things. I'm grown up enough for now. I still have a ways to go. And I don't even know what I was ranting about. Or what started this but I like it so I'll keep it.