Darkness
It's been a long time since I've blogged here. Sometimes I wish I had the time and/or energy to blog here more often. Rather, I typically wait 'til I'm at the bottom of a hellish hole and my insides feel like they're crumbling to write everything down.
Every so many months weeks days this feeling of utter and complete self-hatred comes over me. Many moons ago I used to be able to find something that I liked about myself, some redeeming quality that could make me temporarily forget all of the 9 million things I loathe about myself. Lately, I haven't even been able to do this. I completely disgust myself. And for as long as I can remember, I've always sought the approval of others in everything that I did. I want to please others, I want to make them happy, I want them to be proud of me. I want to feel like someone gives a rat's ass about me. I want to feel loved.
But over the last few months, there has been more time than not that I feel like a worthless piece of shit. A fat, disgusting slob not worthy of the air I selfishly steal from the rest of the world. And to be quite frank, despite comments I've made, both in front of my family, in front of my husband and in the presence of my friends, no one has argued any differently.
I tell my husband all the time that I just want love. I just want someone to love me. And he hugs me dutifully for his specified 5 seconds, then walks away.
Perhaps I'm asking too much. Perhaps I'm being selfish. But then I'll just add those two qualities to the laundry list of things I hate about myself.
And I've though of suicide. Quite frequently in fact. But my biggest fear would be that I would mess that up too, just like I mess up everything else in my life. Then I'd be maimed. Or paralyzed. Or even worse, even more people wouldn't like me and would ignore me.