Ahh, pt 1
You know, it's nice to look back at the last two years and realize just how much you've grown. Its a pity that most of the people you've grown to know and love aren't around anymore to see that, no, you're not as much of a bitch anymore and you're not angry anymore and blahblahblahemoshit, but isn't that what happens when you grow up?
You grow apart from the people you care about because you need the room to change yourself before you can ever really, really care about anyone. But by the time you've grown, everyone else has moved on and you realize, hey, you've moved on to. Sure, you miss the late-night conversations, the role play fun, the porn jokes, the hilarity when you got so fucking tired that you couldn't type out a damn word but you still stayed online because you were having so much fun, the little nothings you whisper to each other, the love that you share with him and her and everyone even if you didn't realize it at the time.
But hey. You've learned from your mistakes and now you've grown to love three new people that you spend every waking moment talking to, laughing over porn jokes, whispering sweet nothings in a joking manner because it's funny as all hell to creep each other out, drawing stupid shit over MSN and giggling over Shin-Chan at 3 in the morning because, hey, that's who you are now. Yeah, you rant. You scream. You bitch and complain. But you know how to handle yourself and how to manage your emotions so that you never have to hurt anyone again.
And then you stop and think about the old friends, the ones who still hold a place in your heart even if they may never speak to you again, because that's who you are. Once you learn that you do care, you never can get yourself to stop. And you can never keep yourself from shedding a silent tear because you've lost something really great because you were an immature fuckup that didn't know anything about anything but tried to act omnipotent.
But then again, every friend you've made holds a special place in your heart that belongs only to them, even if they deny it or decide to ignore it. Even that friend from way back when in fourth grade still held a special place in your heart, and it nearly killed you when she died. Even that friend who stabbed you in the back more times than you can count can always depend on you when times get rough because you'll never let them drown as long as you can hold them up.
And maybe, you think to yourself, thats why its terribly hard for you to become truly close to people, with trust and all that friendship jazz. Because so many people hold a special place in your heart that you just don't know if there's room for one more, you don't know if that one extra person will be your downfall because you can't handle the strain of caring about so many damn people. But you end up caring anyway, and then they get a special spot, and you realize that the strain of loving so many people doesn't hurt or hinder you or drain you; rather it gives you motivation to move through life with a purpose and a destination, instead of drifting along in a miasma of depression and self-depreciation.
And then you stop and look at the clock as the bright red LED lights flash '2:37' into your eyes, and you stop and wonder what prompted such thoughts, what made you think so hard about things you've tried to keep out of your mind so you don't get drowned in simply thinking about yourself and how you work and how you think in such a profound way. But you stop and analyze how you now feel.
Heh. You feel pretty damn good.
//edit// o rite; I deleted most of the people from my MSN friends list, because nobody talks to me anymore, lawl. D: Therefore, if you want on or want to be sure you're still there, send me a message and I'll either re-add you if you want back on or tell you you're thar. But I ain't adding anyone back unless they message me first--show you really want it, people!
You grow apart from the people you care about because you need the room to change yourself before you can ever really, really care about anyone. But by the time you've grown, everyone else has moved on and you realize, hey, you've moved on to. Sure, you miss the late-night conversations, the role play fun, the porn jokes, the hilarity when you got so fucking tired that you couldn't type out a damn word but you still stayed online because you were having so much fun, the little nothings you whisper to each other, the love that you share with him and her and everyone even if you didn't realize it at the time.
But hey. You've learned from your mistakes and now you've grown to love three new people that you spend every waking moment talking to, laughing over porn jokes, whispering sweet nothings in a joking manner because it's funny as all hell to creep each other out, drawing stupid shit over MSN and giggling over Shin-Chan at 3 in the morning because, hey, that's who you are now. Yeah, you rant. You scream. You bitch and complain. But you know how to handle yourself and how to manage your emotions so that you never have to hurt anyone again.
And then you stop and think about the old friends, the ones who still hold a place in your heart even if they may never speak to you again, because that's who you are. Once you learn that you do care, you never can get yourself to stop. And you can never keep yourself from shedding a silent tear because you've lost something really great because you were an immature fuckup that didn't know anything about anything but tried to act omnipotent.
But then again, every friend you've made holds a special place in your heart that belongs only to them, even if they deny it or decide to ignore it. Even that friend from way back when in fourth grade still held a special place in your heart, and it nearly killed you when she died. Even that friend who stabbed you in the back more times than you can count can always depend on you when times get rough because you'll never let them drown as long as you can hold them up.
And maybe, you think to yourself, thats why its terribly hard for you to become truly close to people, with trust and all that friendship jazz. Because so many people hold a special place in your heart that you just don't know if there's room for one more, you don't know if that one extra person will be your downfall because you can't handle the strain of caring about so many damn people. But you end up caring anyway, and then they get a special spot, and you realize that the strain of loving so many people doesn't hurt or hinder you or drain you; rather it gives you motivation to move through life with a purpose and a destination, instead of drifting along in a miasma of depression and self-depreciation.
And then you stop and look at the clock as the bright red LED lights flash '2:37' into your eyes, and you stop and wonder what prompted such thoughts, what made you think so hard about things you've tried to keep out of your mind so you don't get drowned in simply thinking about yourself and how you work and how you think in such a profound way. But you stop and analyze how you now feel.
Heh. You feel pretty damn good.
//edit// o rite; I deleted most of the people from my MSN friends list, because nobody talks to me anymore, lawl. D: Therefore, if you want on or want to be sure you're still there, send me a message and I'll either re-add you if you want back on or tell you you're thar. But I ain't adding anyone back unless they message me first--show you really want it, people!