Blog: someday, someone’s life might depend on your ability to see beyond the mask
The most exuberant, outgoing person I’ve met here tried to kill himself last night.
He’s okay, thank god. I don’t think he really wanted to die, deep down. When you want to die you don’t take five pills; you take the whole bottle. He didn’t even have to go to the hospital; it was just Advil.
But still. I know he’s had a hard life. He’s shared things with me, and… he’s been through things I can’t even imagine going through. And he’s smart, so smart… how could this happen?
Oh, I knew his upbeat personality was a front, I’d heard him say as much. But still, I never thought…
I skipped my first class today, and my workshop. My excuse? Yeah, my alarm screwed up and I slept too late, but the reason I didn’t make it to either class at all was because I just didn’t care enough. It was a mental health holiday. :]
I guess I’m kind of in shock. None of us saw this coming. God, he’s the last person I’d expect to attempt suicide! …Now, of course, I feel like I shouldn’t be so surprised.
I found a new hiding place for my knife, because I’m pretty sure he knows I brought it with me. I don’t think he knows where it is, and the door to my room is rarely open when no one’s in there. I also don’t think he’s gonna try again. He said he wouldn’t. But still.
I don’t even know what else to say. How did none of us see this coming? I can only hope that no one did because he doesn’t really want to kill himself. I’m not trying to trivialize what happened AT ALL, but he’s a very intelligent guy. Surely he must know that five Advil is not a lethal dose. I don’t even know if twenty would be enough.
After he took the pills and our peer mentor called the RA on duty, I went into the room next door so I could have some company while we tried to process what was going on- at this point we knew very little. One of the girls whose room it was said that he might have taken the pills for dramatic effect, considering that he had just gotten into a fight with his boyfriend. At the time it seemed a callous thing to say, but now I find myself hoping it’s true.
I hope it was a rash action born in the heat of the moment. He’s had so much crap in his life, and maybe that argument seemed like the last straw. As that same girl pointed out, his boyfriend’s gotta be the first good thing that’s happened to him in a while. God, I hope that’s all it was. I hope it wasn’t a serious attempt, I hope he was just trying to freak out his boyfriend.
I hope he’s not miserable enough in his own skin that he feels like he has to end it. But what was that statistic they said on House after Kutner killed himself? Something like 35% of suicidal people have no prior symptoms? And House replied that everyone had symptoms- 35% of suicidal people had friends and family members too stupid to notice.
Thank God it wasn’t that serious (listen to me- I don’t even go in for religion). It was scary enough with five Advil. What if it had been ten? Twenty? What if he’d slit his wrists?
I don’t even know if he’s getting professional help, after last night. I assume so, but I don’t know. I sat next to him at dinner today, and he acted just as he always does. Is this a good sign? Or is he retreating behind that mask again? Well, if he is, this time we won’t be so easily fooled by it.
I never let suicide be an option, for myself, despite all the shit I’ve been through. Every time I thought of it, I thought, No, I can’t. Too many people would get mad at me. I’ve been a big enough pain in everyone’s ass.
I don’t even know how I’d do it. No way sounds appealing. That’s a good thing, I guess. I mean, I don’t really feel like I have much to live for, but… at least I don’t want to die. Life isn’t that intolerable.
I hope that it isn’t for him, either.
***Everyone’s free to comment, but if you know who it is that I’m talking about, please let’s not name names, okay? I feel somewhat bad for posting this in the first place.***
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