Fic: The Will of the Force (4/?)
Title: The Will of the Force (4/?)
Author: emthejedichic
Fandom: Star Wars
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Siri/Xanatos
Summary: While undercover, Siri meets Xanatos, and they form a strong bond. When Siri’s mission ends, Xanatos trails her to Coruscant- but is arrested, forcing Siri to choose between the Jedi and the man she has come to love. Siri/Xan, AU
Disclaimer: Everything belongs to people who aren’t me, apart from the odd OC. I wish it were all mine, but it isn’t.
A/N: The events of this story are set around Jude Watson’s Jedi Quest: The Path to Truth. So if you haven’t read the novel, be forewarned that this fic basically gives away most of the plot. Spoilers for Secrets of the Jedi will be cropping up here and there, also.
Pertinent background information (info about the characters, ect. for those who aren't too familiar with canon) for the fic is here.
Links to previous chapters can be found here.
Chapter 4: Honey I Need You
A/N #2: Yes, I filched a line from Aladdin. It was just too perfect to pass up.
And fact you might want to bear in mind when you’re reading the scene where Siri’s haggling with Krayn for time off: in the GFFA (that’s the Galaxy Far, Far Away, AKA the Star Wars Universe) a standard week is five days, not seven. So it’s not that big of a jump for Siri to counteroffer Krayn’s proposal of three days with a week, because she’s asking for five days, not seven. God, I am such a nerd… _
-
But oh, no, what else must I see?
It’s all inside my head, I guess
But it reminds me
That I need you
Honey I need you
There ain’t nobody who could supersede you
We’re not such strangers
Honey I need you right now
-Jackie Green
-
(Siri)
Xanatos and I talk almost every day for the next few weeks, and I find myself thinking about him more often than not. This, unfortunately, causes problems. Krayn makes it clear that he has no patience for my distraction, and I find myself all but jumping through hoops to get back into his good graces. I try pointing out that he himself had initially encouraged me to become involved with Xan. This proves to be a bad idea.
“Yes, I did,” he admits. “But I didn’t know that you had feelings for him.”
“I don’t!” I tell him.
Krayn fixes me with a condescending look. “Wake up, Zora. You’re useless to me like this.”
He stalks off, and I groan. This is not the way that things are supposed to turn out. I’m supposed to become invaluable to Krayn. He’s supposed to trust me. I’ve been more focused on myself lately, and on Xanatos, than on my mission.
That stops now, I tell myself. I won’t neglect my mission any longer. I throw myself into my work, gathering every scrap of information that I can and sending detailed reports to the Council. I also work tirelessly on increasing production in the mines, especially on level twelve. Krayn even grudgingly compliments me for my renewed dedication. The slaves aren’t getting treated any better than ever, but I hope that my mission’s ultimate results will force the Senate to make an attempt to shut Krayn down, causing all the slaves to be freed.
Krayn may be happy with me, but Rashtah isn’t, and lets me know as much one day.
A bit inconsistent, aren’t we Zora? Are you feeling guilty for your previous distraction?
“My social life is none of your business,” I respond tartly.
Your social life is proving detrimental to your job.
“I’ve been a model employee!”
As of late.
I frown. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
As I said, you’re inconsistent. Krayn needs someone he can depend on.
“Oh, so that’s it,” I realize, surprised that I haven’t seen it before. Then again, the fact that I don’t speak Shyriiwook makes it impossible for me to pick up any inflections that might be in Rashtah’s tone. “You’re jealous. You’re afraid I’ll replace you as Krayn’s second in command.”
Of course not.
“Well, you can rest easy. I’m not really interested in doing that.”
He glares at me. I don’t trust you Zora. I’ll be waiting for you to make a mistake. There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
I smile grimly. “Wouldn’t you like to know.”
I wonder if he would stab me in the back, given the chance. It seems likely. I suppose that’s yet another thing for me to watch out for.
-
After a couple of weeks, I feel confident that I’ve regained Krayn’s trust and respect. I still comm Xanatos when I have the time, and he seems pleased when I tell him this.
“Really, though,” he remarks one day. “Why does Krayn’s opinion matter so much to you?”
“Well, I don’t want to get fired.”
“Well, if you do… you could always come work for me.”
“But… I don’t know anything about the kind of mining you do. I mean, mining spice and mining metal is completely different, isn’t it?”
“How much did you know about the slave trade when you started working for Krayn?” Xanatos asks. “You’d learn.”
“Well, I’m not planning to get fired, so it doesn’t really matter, does it?” I ask lightly.
“No, I suppose not. That is - you could come work for me anyway.”
I allow myself to daydream for a moment. I’d live on Prynnash with Xanatos, who I’d be able to see everyday…
But it’s a daydream only. It will never happen.
“Sorry,” I say. “I’ve got a good thing going here.”
“Alright,” he says, sounding resigned. “Well, it was worth a shot.”
I quickly change the subject, asking him how things are going with Offworld.
He sighs. “It’s alright. Like I said, my VP is… a bit incompetent. He’s got the potential, and the dedication, but doesn’t apply himself. It’s rather frustrating, actually.”
This piques my curiosity. From what I can tell, Xanatos has little to no patience for beings that fail to live up to his standards- especially where his company is concerned. “It’s good of you to keep him on anyway.”
“I don’t exactly have a choice.”
“Oh? Why not?”
“Well, because… he’s my son.”
“Oh.” I wasn’t expecting that. “I, ah… didn’t know you had children.”
“Just the one.”
I nod, before realizing he can’t see me. “Is… his mother...?”
“No, no, she’s- well, actually, she’s dead now,” Xanatos replies quickly. “But we were never- it was just one night. I was a still a Padawan- only sixteen.”
“Wow. So, what, did she manage to track you down?”
“She did. I told her there wasn’t much I could do to help her out, and we had little contact after that until I left the Order. Once I’d established myself, I set her and Granta up on a little out-of-the-way moon, provided for them and such.”
“So… your son, is he Force-sensitive?” I ask curiously.
Xanatos pauses for a moment. “No, he isn’t,” he says. His tone sounds strained, terse.
“Oh,” I say. I’m surprised- I know that if even only one parent is Force-sensitive, the child is almost certain to be. And with someone as strong in the Force as Xanatos- whose high Force-sensitivity had impressed the Council enough to allow him to begin training at the late age of three- I would think that it was certain. I’d have asked about it- but his tone of voice reminds me that it isn’t actually any of my business. “I see.”
“Granta has a good head for business, though,” Xanatos continues after a moment. “He’s just under-confident. He’ll learn.”
This last statement is delivered with confidence- no, with certainty. I’m suddenly reminded of a mission that my master and I had gone on when I was twelve. We’d been sent to guard a politician on an obscure Core world who had been threatened by an unknown rival. At first threats had been the worst of it, but eventually there was an attempt made on his life. That was when we’d been sent in.
After three more assassination attempts, we’d finally traced the attacks back to his teenaged son. Adi had had me guard the young man until she could ascertain which of the politician’s guards were loyal, and not on the son’s payroll.
The boy, N’lor, had been very angry when he was found out, and having a girl five years his junior guarding him only added insult to injury. He’d yelled and raged at me for a while, and I’d soon abandoned my Jedi calm (far from perfect these days, it had been disgraceful when I was twelve) and shouted back. It was a few minutes before we fell silent.
“I wasn’t even trying to kill him, not really,” he’d finally said sullenly. “The assassins had orders to wound only.”
“Well, maybe you’ll avoid an attempted murder charge, then,” I replied acerbically.
N’lor hadn’t responded to that; he’d only stared at his bound hands in silence. He had been in a prison cell at the time, and my presence as guard had mostly been superfluous- in fact; I had felt a bit wounded when my Master had ordered me to stay behind.
But I’d felt a pang of sympathy for him at that moment. I could feel the hurt and despair radiating off him, beneath his self-loathing. I approached the cell until I stood as near as I could to the energy bars.
“N’lor?” I’d asked softly. “Why did you do it?”
“I had to,” he replied just as quietly. “It was the only way to make him understand.”
“Understand what?”
“Understand that I’m my own person! He- he just assumes that I’m going to be like him, be exactly like him, when I’m older. He won’t even entertain the thought of any other possibility! He’s raising me and teaching me by his rules, his ideals, and he can’t see that that’s not what I want! Although,” he added with a snort. “You’re a Jedi, so… I guess all that sounds perfectly natural to you.”
It had, to a certain extent. “He should let you think for yourself, sure,” I allowed. “But- I feel proud, honored, to be a Jedi. You don’t feel the same way about being your father’s son?”
He’d shaken his head at me. “You just don’t get it, do you, kid?”
Thinking back on the conversation now, I frown. Why has that memory surfaced? Surely Xanatos isn’t anything like N’lor’s father. “I’m… sure you’re right,” I tell him.
Maybe Xanatos has picked up on the shift in my mood, because he quickly changes the subject.
“So tell me, when was the last time Krayn gave you any time off?”
“Time off?” I repeat with a laugh. “I don’t think Krayn believes in time off. It’s a full time job, he says.”
“That’s unfortunate,” Xanatos comments.
I bristle a bit at this. “It’s not like I can’t handle it.”
“Of course you can,” he replies smoothly. “Well, I suppose you like it better than being in the Order, at any rate.”
I can’t help it- the irony of this makes me laugh.
“What’s so funny?” Xanatos asks, sounding peeved.
“Nothing,” I say, sobering. My continued deception really is no laughing matter.
“The only reason I asked in the first place,” Xanatos continues. “Was because I was wondering if you could persuade Krayn to give you a few days.”
I sigh. “I don’t think I should. You know how it is- this job is pretty competitive. I don’t want to take a few days off and find out that I’ve been slandered and summarily dismissed in my absence.”
“Come on. What’s the worst that can happen if you ask him?”
“Well… I don’t know- why are you asking, anyway?”
“I want to spend some time with you- more time than the odd evening out.”
Frowning, I realize that we really have only seen each other twice since we met. It hardly seems possible, but there it is. “That would be nice, Xan.”
(I’d asked him if he minded my use of the nickname. He’d indifferently replied that he didn’t care, but I suspect that secretly, he likes it.)
“So, talk to Krayn about it,” he says.
I bite my lip. I’ve pretty much exhausted the Xanatos-is-a-valuable-client-and-you-told-me-to-make-him-happy strategy with Krayn. I can get the time, I know. But the concerns I’d cited were real- what if I lost ground? Xan doesn’t know how important this is to me- he thinks it’s just a job.
After all, the better I perform on this mission, the sooner I can go back to the Temple.
And I’ll never see Xanatos again.
I freeze. The thought hasn’t occurred to me before, but now that it does… I realize, with a pang, that I don’t want to part from him. I know now, without a doubt, that I’ve become attached. Xanatos has become a huge part of my life.
He isn’t more important than my mission. But maybe to me, he’s equally so.
I take a deep breath. “Okay,” I reply. “I will.”
-
As soon as Xan and I are done talking, I head for Krayn’s office. Upon arrival, I present my thumbprint, retina, and voice for scanning before the door will open. I stroll inside.
“You know all that security’s a real inconvenience to go through every time, right?” I ask.
Krayn barely looks up from his datapad. “Can I help you, Zora?”
“Yeah,” I say, leaning against his desk. “I was wondering if I could get some time off.”
He frowns. “Zora, this is a full-time job.”
“Oh, come on! Surely you can live without me for a few days,” I say with a grin.
“Is this about that boyfriend of yours?” Krayn demands, narrowing his eyes.
“He’s not my boyfriend,” I say patiently.
“Well, what is he, then?” he asks.
I hesitate. I’m actually not sure how to classify my relationship with Xan. “That’s my business, isn’t it? Now, about that time?”
Krayn sighs. “If I were to give you some time, how much would you be looking for?”
“Two weeks?” I ask casually, knowing he’ll never agree to that much.
Sure enough, he scowls. “Absolutely out of the question. Three days, at the most.”
“One week then,” I suggest.
He shakes his head. “Far too long.”
“Without pay?” I offer.
Krayn visibly reconsiders for a moment, then fixes me with a glare. “One week,” he says reluctantly. “Without pay.”
I grin. “Thank you.”
“You’d better let me know when you’re taking it,” he says in a manner that I expect is supposed to be menacing. “And if you say right now, or even tomorrow, I swear I’ll-“
“I follow you,” I say. “It’ll be later on in the week, probably. I’ll let you know.”
-
I waste no time in comming Xan and telling him I’ve got a week to spend with him. He’s thrilled; I am too. We haven’t had the opportunity to spend too much time together over the course of our relationship- because I can at least admit that much now, that it is a relationship.
I know the Council wouldn’t approve, and I don’t even want to think about how much trouble I’ll be in if they find out that I know Xanatos is alive and am keeping it from them. But I’m lying to Xan, too, and how he would react if he found out that I’m still very much a Jedi is another thing I can’t think about. Most of all, I know that I’ll be phenomenally lucky if one or both of these situations don’t come to pass.
But although these are huge worries for me, I manage to push them aside most of the time. After all, isn’t a Jedi supposed to live in the moment? And worrying over these things isn’t exactly going to help me with my mission.
Xan tells me that he’ll fly to Nar Shaddaa in three days to pick me up. When I ask where we’re going, he won’t say- all he’ll tell me is that it’s a surprise.
My feelings for Xan have grown considerably. At first I’d commed him when I thought of it, and had been happy to talk to him when he commed me, but I hadn’t felt the need to talk every day. When we’d argued, and hadn’t spoken for over a week as a result, I had realized that his absence had left an empty spot in my life. We’ve been closer since then, and I now find myself missing him often. Despite the fact that both of us have rather busy schedules, we usually talk at least once every day- often for more than an hour.
So when my comm signals on the day before our trip, I half-expect it to be Xan.
“Zora,” I say.
“Hey, girl!” a female voice says on the other end. “It’s Drida. Can you talk?”
Oh. It’s my proxy.
Her name isn’t Drida- that’s just her current code name. Her real name is Sandra. A Knight in her late twenties, she’s the covert ops proxy for all of the undercover operatives in this part of the galaxy. As proxy, she serves as a go-between for the operatives and the Council, passing on their reports and concerns, and relaying the Council’s instructions to us. She’s also an emergency contact, so that we won’t have to wait for the Council to send someone all the way from Coruscant in case of emergency.
I wonder why she’s calling. Probably just to check up. Sandra’s very devoted to her operatives.
“If you ever need anything, and I mean anything, don’t hesitate to comm me. Even in the middle of the night, okay?” she’d said when we met. “I know you think you can handle your mission, and I’m sure that you can. But being undercover gets really tough sometimes. As far as the Council’s concerned, I’m here for technical support. But I’m telling you right now, I’m here for moral support, too.”
“Hi, Drida,” I reply. “Hang on a minute.”
Luckily, I’m currently in the factory’s office building, which I know back to front- especially in regards to surveillance. I duck into a nearby conference room that I know isn’t bugged, and lock the door.
“What’s up, Sandra?” I ask promptly. My use of her real name tells her that we can speak freely.
“I was wondering how you were doing,” she replies. The cheery voice of Drida is gone, replaced by Sandra’s more serious tone.
“I’m fine,” I say. “I’ve been making good progress.”
“Yes, you’ve been sending a lot of reports to the Council lately,” she observes.
What does she want, an explanation of why I’m suddenly performing so well? “Yeah,” I agree. “I have.”
Sandra is silent for a moment. “Look, Siri, I know how this goes. It’s tough. You start out all optimistic; convinced you’ll be just great. But then, reality sets in. Eventually you get used to the mission, and then you think you’ve slacked off during all that time when you were just acclimating.”
“So… you think I’ve been overcompensating for my perceived failure?” I ask. “Sandra, it’s been a year. I’m well used to the mission by now. I’ve just been more productive lately. That’s all.”
“I just want to make sure you were okay,” she says.
“I’m fine,” I reply.
“Fine as in good?”
“Fine as in good.”
“Well, hang in there,” she advises. “You’re doing very well.”
“Thanks.”
“Who knows? Maybe you have a future in covert ops.”
I don’t think so, and I start to say it. But then a thought hits me. What if I do go into covert ops? What if I become a proxy like Sandra? The covert ops proxies virtually never go back to the Temple, so I’d be fairly independent. And I could still see Xan, maybe…
“Yeah,” I say. “Maybe I do.”
We say our goodbyes, but now I’m distracted. The idea of going into covert ops long-term is an enticing one. I can’t drag this mission out forever, after all. Especially since it’s very probably going to prove vital to my future as a Jedi.
I try not to let myself expect it, but the fact of the matter is that senior Padawans my age (nearly twenty-six) are usually not sent on these sort of long, exhaustive missions for the good of the galaxy alone. It’s always, always some sort of test or trial for the apprentice involved- a trial that, if passed, almost invariably leads to Knighthood.
Of course, I can’t become a proxy if I’m still a Padawan. In fact, my master’s numerous ties to Coruscant mean that we frequently remain onplanet… which would make it impossible to keep seeing Xan.
If I do well on this mission, I’ll get Knighted, and will be able to go into covert ops. And maybe, somehow, I can keep seeing him.
I stop these thoughts. They’re insidious whispers, far too attractive. My training has taught me to be cautious of such thoughts, has taught me that they’re of the dark side.
But that’s not what they feel like at all.
-
The next morning I’m waiting out on the platform as Xanatos lands. Last time he arrived in a freighter, but the ship he’s flying now is a luxury cruiser. It looks to be very expensive, and I wonder how posh the interior is.
The ramp lowers and Xan comes down to meet me. He smiles widely, giving me a quick once-over. I’ve gone without most of my Zora outfit, wearing just a black unisuit and utility belt. My face is clean, and my hair is free of both grease and ornamentation, back to its natural appearance save for the red dye.
Xan greets me with a kiss and an embrace. “I missed you,” he says.
“Me too,” I reply. I’m happy, but that happiness is paired with the familiar guilt. I’m lying to him.
“Shall we?” Xanatos asks, picking up the small bag I’ve packed.
“Sure,” I say. “Nice ship, by the way.”
“Offworld sells to many powerful beings,” he tells me as we board. “The ship was a gift from one of them- a little incentive to do business with her, and not her competitor.”
The interior is suitably extravagant, complete with several fairly roomy cabins and a lounge. The cockpit is impressive as well. I check out the computer after we take off, which informs me that the ship is also bristling with weaponry. I raise an eyebrow when I discover this.
“I’ve modified it a bit,” Xanatos explains, swiveling the pilot’s chair around to face me at the console. “One can never be too careful.”
I smile at him. This is consistent with what Obi-Wan has told me about him, and I say so.
He smiles grimly. “I always like to have a back door.”
“That’s smart,” I say, turning back to the computer. “Hey, it doesn’t have a cloaking device, does it?” I ask out of sheer curiosity. That would really impress me.
“No,” Xan says, sounding distracted. Sure enough, after a moment, he asks, “What was your relationship with Obi-Wan, exactly?”
I slowly turn my chair around to face him. “We… were friends, as Padawans,” I say. “It was funny, because we never got along when we were growing up. But then we went on some missions together, and… he grew on me.”
Xan looks displeased. I wonder why; then I realize that I’m smiling. I stop, feeling slightly guilty. There’s no reason why I should, though. Xanatos’ past with Obi-Wan has nothing to do with me.
“Is friends all you were?” he asks me.
I swear mentally. Xanatos suspects that Obi-Wan is the one I had fallen in love with. I’d lied to him when I’d told him he didn’t know the person I’d had feelings for. I feel a resurgence of guilt.
I have no choice but to lie to him about remaining in the Order, I think. But in this case, there is a choice before me.
I take a breath. “No,” I say. “I’m sorry, I lied to you before. Obi-Wan… was the one I fell in love with.”
Xanatos purses his lips. “I suspected as much.”
This surprises me. “You did?”
“I had a feeling,” he says dryly. “I suspected that there was something you weren’t telling me.”
“I’m sorry I lied,” I say guiltily. “I didn’t think you’d react well to the truth.”
Xan sighs. “Well, I don’t like the thought of it,” he admits. “But, you were young. And I take it that-” Here he pauses delicately. “You have no feelings for him anymore?”
“No,” I say. “I loved him once. I had to let go of that love, and I did.”
He nods, looking thoughtful. “Then it is in the past. If you are not bothered by my past, I certainly can find no fault with yours.”
Relief fills me. He’s alright with it. It won’t affect the way he feels about me.
Xanatos turns to the navicomputer, but the computer in front of me pings insistently before he gets far. I turn to the screen.
“We’re receiving a transmission from Prynnash,” I say.
“That’ll be for me, then.”
I vacate the chair, and Xan takes my place. I wonder if I should give him some privacy, but since he doesn’t ask me to, I take a seat in the co-pilot’s chair. I haven’t seen much of Xanatos the CEO, and I’m curious.
He accepts the transmission and a hologram pops up on the cockpit’s holoprojector.
“Go ahead, Granta,” he sighs.
My eyebrows raise. It’s his son calling? Now I’m glad I stayed. I study the projection. It’s in holographic shades of blue and white, not color, but the image is clear enough. Granta is tall and slender, pale and dark-haired like his father. His clothing is dark also, and I’m willing to bet he’s dressed in black as Xan always is. The image isn’t detailed, but if he was born when Xanatos was sixteen he can’t be too much younger than I am.
“There’s a problem with the Hutt’s loan,” Granta says.
“What kind of problem?”
“I’m not sure, they wouldn’t say. They want to talk to you.”
“Did you tell them I’m offplanet?” Xanatos asks impatiently.
“Yes,” Granta replies. “But they insisted…”
“Granta…” he sighs. “You have got to learn to work with them.”
“I’m sorry, Father, but it isn’t my fault if they refuse to talk to me, is it?”
Xan sighs again, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Very well… I’ll be there within the hour.”
And with that, he cuts the transmission.
“I’m afraid we’re going to have to go to Prynnash,” he tells me.
“That’s fine,” I assure him.
“It’s in the right direction, thankfully. We won’t have to go too far out of our way, and once we get there we shouldn’t be held up for too long. I expect I’ll be able to straighten this out fairly quickly, and then we can be on our way.”
Xan returns his attention to the navicomputer, and once we’ve made the jump to hyperspace I use some choice words to describe the Hutts. He smiles.
“That sums them up pretty nicely. Still, though…” Xanatos sighs; looking troubled. “I first took Granta to Nal Hutta with me when he was fourteen years old! He even speaks Huttese, which is more than I do. But he just doesn’t know how to handle them!”
“Neither do I,” I say with a shrug. “I can’t stand ‘em. Every Hutt I’ve ever met figured out almost right away that I ha- disliked them.”
Xanatos raises an eyebrow at my stumble.
“Old habits,” I tell him with a shrug. I can still hear Yoda: A very strong word, hate is. Or at least that’s what he told the younglings who proclaimed their ‘hate’ for whatever leafy vegetable was being served for evening meal that night. Everyone else got the hate leads to suffering maxim.
As do lies, I think. I’m in a horrible mess; there is a very slim chance that this is going to end well.
I release my anxiety to the Force before it can fill me. My worries are irrelevant right now. I should be focusing on the moment. I’m here, with Xanatos, and that’s what matters.
But I can’t help but wonder how long we’re going to last.
-
The author accepts payment in the form of Republic credits and comments. Thank you kindly.
Author: emthejedichic
Fandom: Star Wars
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Siri/Xanatos
Summary: While undercover, Siri meets Xanatos, and they form a strong bond. When Siri’s mission ends, Xanatos trails her to Coruscant- but is arrested, forcing Siri to choose between the Jedi and the man she has come to love. Siri/Xan, AU
Disclaimer: Everything belongs to people who aren’t me, apart from the odd OC. I wish it were all mine, but it isn’t.
A/N: The events of this story are set around Jude Watson’s Jedi Quest: The Path to Truth. So if you haven’t read the novel, be forewarned that this fic basically gives away most of the plot. Spoilers for Secrets of the Jedi will be cropping up here and there, also.
Pertinent background information (info about the characters, ect. for those who aren't too familiar with canon) for the fic is here.
Links to previous chapters can be found here.
Chapter 4: Honey I Need You
A/N #2: Yes, I filched a line from Aladdin. It was just too perfect to pass up.
And fact you might want to bear in mind when you’re reading the scene where Siri’s haggling with Krayn for time off: in the GFFA (that’s the Galaxy Far, Far Away, AKA the Star Wars Universe) a standard week is five days, not seven. So it’s not that big of a jump for Siri to counteroffer Krayn’s proposal of three days with a week, because she’s asking for five days, not seven. God, I am such a nerd… _
-
But oh, no, what else must I see?
It’s all inside my head, I guess
But it reminds me
That I need you
Honey I need you
There ain’t nobody who could supersede you
We’re not such strangers
Honey I need you right now
-Jackie Green
-
(Siri)
Xanatos and I talk almost every day for the next few weeks, and I find myself thinking about him more often than not. This, unfortunately, causes problems. Krayn makes it clear that he has no patience for my distraction, and I find myself all but jumping through hoops to get back into his good graces. I try pointing out that he himself had initially encouraged me to become involved with Xan. This proves to be a bad idea.
“Yes, I did,” he admits. “But I didn’t know that you had feelings for him.”
“I don’t!” I tell him.
Krayn fixes me with a condescending look. “Wake up, Zora. You’re useless to me like this.”
He stalks off, and I groan. This is not the way that things are supposed to turn out. I’m supposed to become invaluable to Krayn. He’s supposed to trust me. I’ve been more focused on myself lately, and on Xanatos, than on my mission.
That stops now, I tell myself. I won’t neglect my mission any longer. I throw myself into my work, gathering every scrap of information that I can and sending detailed reports to the Council. I also work tirelessly on increasing production in the mines, especially on level twelve. Krayn even grudgingly compliments me for my renewed dedication. The slaves aren’t getting treated any better than ever, but I hope that my mission’s ultimate results will force the Senate to make an attempt to shut Krayn down, causing all the slaves to be freed.
Krayn may be happy with me, but Rashtah isn’t, and lets me know as much one day.
A bit inconsistent, aren’t we Zora? Are you feeling guilty for your previous distraction?
“My social life is none of your business,” I respond tartly.
Your social life is proving detrimental to your job.
“I’ve been a model employee!”
As of late.
I frown. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
As I said, you’re inconsistent. Krayn needs someone he can depend on.
“Oh, so that’s it,” I realize, surprised that I haven’t seen it before. Then again, the fact that I don’t speak Shyriiwook makes it impossible for me to pick up any inflections that might be in Rashtah’s tone. “You’re jealous. You’re afraid I’ll replace you as Krayn’s second in command.”
Of course not.
“Well, you can rest easy. I’m not really interested in doing that.”
He glares at me. I don’t trust you Zora. I’ll be waiting for you to make a mistake. There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
I smile grimly. “Wouldn’t you like to know.”
I wonder if he would stab me in the back, given the chance. It seems likely. I suppose that’s yet another thing for me to watch out for.
-
After a couple of weeks, I feel confident that I’ve regained Krayn’s trust and respect. I still comm Xanatos when I have the time, and he seems pleased when I tell him this.
“Really, though,” he remarks one day. “Why does Krayn’s opinion matter so much to you?”
“Well, I don’t want to get fired.”
“Well, if you do… you could always come work for me.”
“But… I don’t know anything about the kind of mining you do. I mean, mining spice and mining metal is completely different, isn’t it?”
“How much did you know about the slave trade when you started working for Krayn?” Xanatos asks. “You’d learn.”
“Well, I’m not planning to get fired, so it doesn’t really matter, does it?” I ask lightly.
“No, I suppose not. That is - you could come work for me anyway.”
I allow myself to daydream for a moment. I’d live on Prynnash with Xanatos, who I’d be able to see everyday…
But it’s a daydream only. It will never happen.
“Sorry,” I say. “I’ve got a good thing going here.”
“Alright,” he says, sounding resigned. “Well, it was worth a shot.”
I quickly change the subject, asking him how things are going with Offworld.
He sighs. “It’s alright. Like I said, my VP is… a bit incompetent. He’s got the potential, and the dedication, but doesn’t apply himself. It’s rather frustrating, actually.”
This piques my curiosity. From what I can tell, Xanatos has little to no patience for beings that fail to live up to his standards- especially where his company is concerned. “It’s good of you to keep him on anyway.”
“I don’t exactly have a choice.”
“Oh? Why not?”
“Well, because… he’s my son.”
“Oh.” I wasn’t expecting that. “I, ah… didn’t know you had children.”
“Just the one.”
I nod, before realizing he can’t see me. “Is… his mother...?”
“No, no, she’s- well, actually, she’s dead now,” Xanatos replies quickly. “But we were never- it was just one night. I was a still a Padawan- only sixteen.”
“Wow. So, what, did she manage to track you down?”
“She did. I told her there wasn’t much I could do to help her out, and we had little contact after that until I left the Order. Once I’d established myself, I set her and Granta up on a little out-of-the-way moon, provided for them and such.”
“So… your son, is he Force-sensitive?” I ask curiously.
Xanatos pauses for a moment. “No, he isn’t,” he says. His tone sounds strained, terse.
“Oh,” I say. I’m surprised- I know that if even only one parent is Force-sensitive, the child is almost certain to be. And with someone as strong in the Force as Xanatos- whose high Force-sensitivity had impressed the Council enough to allow him to begin training at the late age of three- I would think that it was certain. I’d have asked about it- but his tone of voice reminds me that it isn’t actually any of my business. “I see.”
“Granta has a good head for business, though,” Xanatos continues after a moment. “He’s just under-confident. He’ll learn.”
This last statement is delivered with confidence- no, with certainty. I’m suddenly reminded of a mission that my master and I had gone on when I was twelve. We’d been sent to guard a politician on an obscure Core world who had been threatened by an unknown rival. At first threats had been the worst of it, but eventually there was an attempt made on his life. That was when we’d been sent in.
After three more assassination attempts, we’d finally traced the attacks back to his teenaged son. Adi had had me guard the young man until she could ascertain which of the politician’s guards were loyal, and not on the son’s payroll.
The boy, N’lor, had been very angry when he was found out, and having a girl five years his junior guarding him only added insult to injury. He’d yelled and raged at me for a while, and I’d soon abandoned my Jedi calm (far from perfect these days, it had been disgraceful when I was twelve) and shouted back. It was a few minutes before we fell silent.
“I wasn’t even trying to kill him, not really,” he’d finally said sullenly. “The assassins had orders to wound only.”
“Well, maybe you’ll avoid an attempted murder charge, then,” I replied acerbically.
N’lor hadn’t responded to that; he’d only stared at his bound hands in silence. He had been in a prison cell at the time, and my presence as guard had mostly been superfluous- in fact; I had felt a bit wounded when my Master had ordered me to stay behind.
But I’d felt a pang of sympathy for him at that moment. I could feel the hurt and despair radiating off him, beneath his self-loathing. I approached the cell until I stood as near as I could to the energy bars.
“N’lor?” I’d asked softly. “Why did you do it?”
“I had to,” he replied just as quietly. “It was the only way to make him understand.”
“Understand what?”
“Understand that I’m my own person! He- he just assumes that I’m going to be like him, be exactly like him, when I’m older. He won’t even entertain the thought of any other possibility! He’s raising me and teaching me by his rules, his ideals, and he can’t see that that’s not what I want! Although,” he added with a snort. “You’re a Jedi, so… I guess all that sounds perfectly natural to you.”
It had, to a certain extent. “He should let you think for yourself, sure,” I allowed. “But- I feel proud, honored, to be a Jedi. You don’t feel the same way about being your father’s son?”
He’d shaken his head at me. “You just don’t get it, do you, kid?”
Thinking back on the conversation now, I frown. Why has that memory surfaced? Surely Xanatos isn’t anything like N’lor’s father. “I’m… sure you’re right,” I tell him.
Maybe Xanatos has picked up on the shift in my mood, because he quickly changes the subject.
“So tell me, when was the last time Krayn gave you any time off?”
“Time off?” I repeat with a laugh. “I don’t think Krayn believes in time off. It’s a full time job, he says.”
“That’s unfortunate,” Xanatos comments.
I bristle a bit at this. “It’s not like I can’t handle it.”
“Of course you can,” he replies smoothly. “Well, I suppose you like it better than being in the Order, at any rate.”
I can’t help it- the irony of this makes me laugh.
“What’s so funny?” Xanatos asks, sounding peeved.
“Nothing,” I say, sobering. My continued deception really is no laughing matter.
“The only reason I asked in the first place,” Xanatos continues. “Was because I was wondering if you could persuade Krayn to give you a few days.”
I sigh. “I don’t think I should. You know how it is- this job is pretty competitive. I don’t want to take a few days off and find out that I’ve been slandered and summarily dismissed in my absence.”
“Come on. What’s the worst that can happen if you ask him?”
“Well… I don’t know- why are you asking, anyway?”
“I want to spend some time with you- more time than the odd evening out.”
Frowning, I realize that we really have only seen each other twice since we met. It hardly seems possible, but there it is. “That would be nice, Xan.”
(I’d asked him if he minded my use of the nickname. He’d indifferently replied that he didn’t care, but I suspect that secretly, he likes it.)
“So, talk to Krayn about it,” he says.
I bite my lip. I’ve pretty much exhausted the Xanatos-is-a-valuable-client-and-you-told-me-to-make-him-happy strategy with Krayn. I can get the time, I know. But the concerns I’d cited were real- what if I lost ground? Xan doesn’t know how important this is to me- he thinks it’s just a job.
After all, the better I perform on this mission, the sooner I can go back to the Temple.
And I’ll never see Xanatos again.
I freeze. The thought hasn’t occurred to me before, but now that it does… I realize, with a pang, that I don’t want to part from him. I know now, without a doubt, that I’ve become attached. Xanatos has become a huge part of my life.
He isn’t more important than my mission. But maybe to me, he’s equally so.
I take a deep breath. “Okay,” I reply. “I will.”
-
As soon as Xan and I are done talking, I head for Krayn’s office. Upon arrival, I present my thumbprint, retina, and voice for scanning before the door will open. I stroll inside.
“You know all that security’s a real inconvenience to go through every time, right?” I ask.
Krayn barely looks up from his datapad. “Can I help you, Zora?”
“Yeah,” I say, leaning against his desk. “I was wondering if I could get some time off.”
He frowns. “Zora, this is a full-time job.”
“Oh, come on! Surely you can live without me for a few days,” I say with a grin.
“Is this about that boyfriend of yours?” Krayn demands, narrowing his eyes.
“He’s not my boyfriend,” I say patiently.
“Well, what is he, then?” he asks.
I hesitate. I’m actually not sure how to classify my relationship with Xan. “That’s my business, isn’t it? Now, about that time?”
Krayn sighs. “If I were to give you some time, how much would you be looking for?”
“Two weeks?” I ask casually, knowing he’ll never agree to that much.
Sure enough, he scowls. “Absolutely out of the question. Three days, at the most.”
“One week then,” I suggest.
He shakes his head. “Far too long.”
“Without pay?” I offer.
Krayn visibly reconsiders for a moment, then fixes me with a glare. “One week,” he says reluctantly. “Without pay.”
I grin. “Thank you.”
“You’d better let me know when you’re taking it,” he says in a manner that I expect is supposed to be menacing. “And if you say right now, or even tomorrow, I swear I’ll-“
“I follow you,” I say. “It’ll be later on in the week, probably. I’ll let you know.”
-
I waste no time in comming Xan and telling him I’ve got a week to spend with him. He’s thrilled; I am too. We haven’t had the opportunity to spend too much time together over the course of our relationship- because I can at least admit that much now, that it is a relationship.
I know the Council wouldn’t approve, and I don’t even want to think about how much trouble I’ll be in if they find out that I know Xanatos is alive and am keeping it from them. But I’m lying to Xan, too, and how he would react if he found out that I’m still very much a Jedi is another thing I can’t think about. Most of all, I know that I’ll be phenomenally lucky if one or both of these situations don’t come to pass.
But although these are huge worries for me, I manage to push them aside most of the time. After all, isn’t a Jedi supposed to live in the moment? And worrying over these things isn’t exactly going to help me with my mission.
Xan tells me that he’ll fly to Nar Shaddaa in three days to pick me up. When I ask where we’re going, he won’t say- all he’ll tell me is that it’s a surprise.
My feelings for Xan have grown considerably. At first I’d commed him when I thought of it, and had been happy to talk to him when he commed me, but I hadn’t felt the need to talk every day. When we’d argued, and hadn’t spoken for over a week as a result, I had realized that his absence had left an empty spot in my life. We’ve been closer since then, and I now find myself missing him often. Despite the fact that both of us have rather busy schedules, we usually talk at least once every day- often for more than an hour.
So when my comm signals on the day before our trip, I half-expect it to be Xan.
“Zora,” I say.
“Hey, girl!” a female voice says on the other end. “It’s Drida. Can you talk?”
Oh. It’s my proxy.
Her name isn’t Drida- that’s just her current code name. Her real name is Sandra. A Knight in her late twenties, she’s the covert ops proxy for all of the undercover operatives in this part of the galaxy. As proxy, she serves as a go-between for the operatives and the Council, passing on their reports and concerns, and relaying the Council’s instructions to us. She’s also an emergency contact, so that we won’t have to wait for the Council to send someone all the way from Coruscant in case of emergency.
I wonder why she’s calling. Probably just to check up. Sandra’s very devoted to her operatives.
“If you ever need anything, and I mean anything, don’t hesitate to comm me. Even in the middle of the night, okay?” she’d said when we met. “I know you think you can handle your mission, and I’m sure that you can. But being undercover gets really tough sometimes. As far as the Council’s concerned, I’m here for technical support. But I’m telling you right now, I’m here for moral support, too.”
“Hi, Drida,” I reply. “Hang on a minute.”
Luckily, I’m currently in the factory’s office building, which I know back to front- especially in regards to surveillance. I duck into a nearby conference room that I know isn’t bugged, and lock the door.
“What’s up, Sandra?” I ask promptly. My use of her real name tells her that we can speak freely.
“I was wondering how you were doing,” she replies. The cheery voice of Drida is gone, replaced by Sandra’s more serious tone.
“I’m fine,” I say. “I’ve been making good progress.”
“Yes, you’ve been sending a lot of reports to the Council lately,” she observes.
What does she want, an explanation of why I’m suddenly performing so well? “Yeah,” I agree. “I have.”
Sandra is silent for a moment. “Look, Siri, I know how this goes. It’s tough. You start out all optimistic; convinced you’ll be just great. But then, reality sets in. Eventually you get used to the mission, and then you think you’ve slacked off during all that time when you were just acclimating.”
“So… you think I’ve been overcompensating for my perceived failure?” I ask. “Sandra, it’s been a year. I’m well used to the mission by now. I’ve just been more productive lately. That’s all.”
“I just want to make sure you were okay,” she says.
“I’m fine,” I reply.
“Fine as in good?”
“Fine as in good.”
“Well, hang in there,” she advises. “You’re doing very well.”
“Thanks.”
“Who knows? Maybe you have a future in covert ops.”
I don’t think so, and I start to say it. But then a thought hits me. What if I do go into covert ops? What if I become a proxy like Sandra? The covert ops proxies virtually never go back to the Temple, so I’d be fairly independent. And I could still see Xan, maybe…
“Yeah,” I say. “Maybe I do.”
We say our goodbyes, but now I’m distracted. The idea of going into covert ops long-term is an enticing one. I can’t drag this mission out forever, after all. Especially since it’s very probably going to prove vital to my future as a Jedi.
I try not to let myself expect it, but the fact of the matter is that senior Padawans my age (nearly twenty-six) are usually not sent on these sort of long, exhaustive missions for the good of the galaxy alone. It’s always, always some sort of test or trial for the apprentice involved- a trial that, if passed, almost invariably leads to Knighthood.
Of course, I can’t become a proxy if I’m still a Padawan. In fact, my master’s numerous ties to Coruscant mean that we frequently remain onplanet… which would make it impossible to keep seeing Xan.
If I do well on this mission, I’ll get Knighted, and will be able to go into covert ops. And maybe, somehow, I can keep seeing him.
I stop these thoughts. They’re insidious whispers, far too attractive. My training has taught me to be cautious of such thoughts, has taught me that they’re of the dark side.
But that’s not what they feel like at all.
-
The next morning I’m waiting out on the platform as Xanatos lands. Last time he arrived in a freighter, but the ship he’s flying now is a luxury cruiser. It looks to be very expensive, and I wonder how posh the interior is.
The ramp lowers and Xan comes down to meet me. He smiles widely, giving me a quick once-over. I’ve gone without most of my Zora outfit, wearing just a black unisuit and utility belt. My face is clean, and my hair is free of both grease and ornamentation, back to its natural appearance save for the red dye.
Xan greets me with a kiss and an embrace. “I missed you,” he says.
“Me too,” I reply. I’m happy, but that happiness is paired with the familiar guilt. I’m lying to him.
“Shall we?” Xanatos asks, picking up the small bag I’ve packed.
“Sure,” I say. “Nice ship, by the way.”
“Offworld sells to many powerful beings,” he tells me as we board. “The ship was a gift from one of them- a little incentive to do business with her, and not her competitor.”
The interior is suitably extravagant, complete with several fairly roomy cabins and a lounge. The cockpit is impressive as well. I check out the computer after we take off, which informs me that the ship is also bristling with weaponry. I raise an eyebrow when I discover this.
“I’ve modified it a bit,” Xanatos explains, swiveling the pilot’s chair around to face me at the console. “One can never be too careful.”
I smile at him. This is consistent with what Obi-Wan has told me about him, and I say so.
He smiles grimly. “I always like to have a back door.”
“That’s smart,” I say, turning back to the computer. “Hey, it doesn’t have a cloaking device, does it?” I ask out of sheer curiosity. That would really impress me.
“No,” Xan says, sounding distracted. Sure enough, after a moment, he asks, “What was your relationship with Obi-Wan, exactly?”
I slowly turn my chair around to face him. “We… were friends, as Padawans,” I say. “It was funny, because we never got along when we were growing up. But then we went on some missions together, and… he grew on me.”
Xan looks displeased. I wonder why; then I realize that I’m smiling. I stop, feeling slightly guilty. There’s no reason why I should, though. Xanatos’ past with Obi-Wan has nothing to do with me.
“Is friends all you were?” he asks me.
I swear mentally. Xanatos suspects that Obi-Wan is the one I had fallen in love with. I’d lied to him when I’d told him he didn’t know the person I’d had feelings for. I feel a resurgence of guilt.
I have no choice but to lie to him about remaining in the Order, I think. But in this case, there is a choice before me.
I take a breath. “No,” I say. “I’m sorry, I lied to you before. Obi-Wan… was the one I fell in love with.”
Xanatos purses his lips. “I suspected as much.”
This surprises me. “You did?”
“I had a feeling,” he says dryly. “I suspected that there was something you weren’t telling me.”
“I’m sorry I lied,” I say guiltily. “I didn’t think you’d react well to the truth.”
Xan sighs. “Well, I don’t like the thought of it,” he admits. “But, you were young. And I take it that-” Here he pauses delicately. “You have no feelings for him anymore?”
“No,” I say. “I loved him once. I had to let go of that love, and I did.”
He nods, looking thoughtful. “Then it is in the past. If you are not bothered by my past, I certainly can find no fault with yours.”
Relief fills me. He’s alright with it. It won’t affect the way he feels about me.
Xanatos turns to the navicomputer, but the computer in front of me pings insistently before he gets far. I turn to the screen.
“We’re receiving a transmission from Prynnash,” I say.
“That’ll be for me, then.”
I vacate the chair, and Xan takes my place. I wonder if I should give him some privacy, but since he doesn’t ask me to, I take a seat in the co-pilot’s chair. I haven’t seen much of Xanatos the CEO, and I’m curious.
He accepts the transmission and a hologram pops up on the cockpit’s holoprojector.
“Go ahead, Granta,” he sighs.
My eyebrows raise. It’s his son calling? Now I’m glad I stayed. I study the projection. It’s in holographic shades of blue and white, not color, but the image is clear enough. Granta is tall and slender, pale and dark-haired like his father. His clothing is dark also, and I’m willing to bet he’s dressed in black as Xan always is. The image isn’t detailed, but if he was born when Xanatos was sixteen he can’t be too much younger than I am.
“There’s a problem with the Hutt’s loan,” Granta says.
“What kind of problem?”
“I’m not sure, they wouldn’t say. They want to talk to you.”
“Did you tell them I’m offplanet?” Xanatos asks impatiently.
“Yes,” Granta replies. “But they insisted…”
“Granta…” he sighs. “You have got to learn to work with them.”
“I’m sorry, Father, but it isn’t my fault if they refuse to talk to me, is it?”
Xan sighs again, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Very well… I’ll be there within the hour.”
And with that, he cuts the transmission.
“I’m afraid we’re going to have to go to Prynnash,” he tells me.
“That’s fine,” I assure him.
“It’s in the right direction, thankfully. We won’t have to go too far out of our way, and once we get there we shouldn’t be held up for too long. I expect I’ll be able to straighten this out fairly quickly, and then we can be on our way.”
Xan returns his attention to the navicomputer, and once we’ve made the jump to hyperspace I use some choice words to describe the Hutts. He smiles.
“That sums them up pretty nicely. Still, though…” Xanatos sighs; looking troubled. “I first took Granta to Nal Hutta with me when he was fourteen years old! He even speaks Huttese, which is more than I do. But he just doesn’t know how to handle them!”
“Neither do I,” I say with a shrug. “I can’t stand ‘em. Every Hutt I’ve ever met figured out almost right away that I ha- disliked them.”
Xanatos raises an eyebrow at my stumble.
“Old habits,” I tell him with a shrug. I can still hear Yoda: A very strong word, hate is. Or at least that’s what he told the younglings who proclaimed their ‘hate’ for whatever leafy vegetable was being served for evening meal that night. Everyone else got the hate leads to suffering maxim.
As do lies, I think. I’m in a horrible mess; there is a very slim chance that this is going to end well.
I release my anxiety to the Force before it can fill me. My worries are irrelevant right now. I should be focusing on the moment. I’m here, with Xanatos, and that’s what matters.
But I can’t help but wonder how long we’re going to last.
-
The author accepts payment in the form of Republic credits and comments. Thank you kindly.