Blog: sorry, this one's emo- more on my ex girlfriend
New blog time. This was actually written and posted all in the same day.
I'm still f-ing dwelling on Stevie lately. I have been for like a month now. The relationship ended a year and a half ago. I am truly pathetic.
It's not that she broke my heart- OK, so she did, the first time she dumped me, about March or so (of 07). Then we got back together and it was never the same (my feelings stayed the same, though- except that I had just started getting over her when we hooked back up, so I had a couple misgivings). After that, she didn't dump me. She made me leave her, by treating me like complete crap for two or three months solid.
I loved her like I've never loved anyone. I promised her, and I promised myself, that I would never leave her. I meant that. I meant it more than I'd meant anything in my life. We were best friends, and lovers, and I was so amazingly happy.
So in order for me to get into a frame of mind where I could even consider breaking up with her... I'd have had to love her less. So that's what she did: she systematically killed the part of me that cared (to borrow a line from Malcolm in the Middle).
As I said in therapy the other night: it's not as if she broke my heart. It's as if I had to gnaw my own arm off in order to survive.
Love does not conquer all. Stevie taught me that. And that knowledge hurts, just like it hurts that she killed my happiness. I'm still not fully ready to accept the fact that love is not almighty, although I know I should. Hell, even Moulin Rouge (the most romantic book or movie I can think of) doesn't have a happy ending. Nor does Gone With the Wind, the greatest love story of all time (IMHO).
Listen to the song in the vid below.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AXjakClhg_A
It perfectly describes how I feel right now. Ironically, I first heard it because Stevie had it on a mix CD, and I downloaded it because it reminded me of House and Stacy (those who watch the show- think about it. Makes so much sense, right?).
.
.
.
I would have stayed with her. All her friends always left, and I was wholeheartedly determined to be different. I wouldn't have left her, I wouldn't have hurt her, ever!
I guess I'll never fully understand why she pushed me away.
I'm still f-ing dwelling on Stevie lately. I have been for like a month now. The relationship ended a year and a half ago. I am truly pathetic.
It's not that she broke my heart- OK, so she did, the first time she dumped me, about March or so (of 07). Then we got back together and it was never the same (my feelings stayed the same, though- except that I had just started getting over her when we hooked back up, so I had a couple misgivings). After that, she didn't dump me. She made me leave her, by treating me like complete crap for two or three months solid.
I loved her like I've never loved anyone. I promised her, and I promised myself, that I would never leave her. I meant that. I meant it more than I'd meant anything in my life. We were best friends, and lovers, and I was so amazingly happy.
So in order for me to get into a frame of mind where I could even consider breaking up with her... I'd have had to love her less. So that's what she did: she systematically killed the part of me that cared (to borrow a line from Malcolm in the Middle).
As I said in therapy the other night: it's not as if she broke my heart. It's as if I had to gnaw my own arm off in order to survive.
Love does not conquer all. Stevie taught me that. And that knowledge hurts, just like it hurts that she killed my happiness. I'm still not fully ready to accept the fact that love is not almighty, although I know I should. Hell, even Moulin Rouge (the most romantic book or movie I can think of) doesn't have a happy ending. Nor does Gone With the Wind, the greatest love story of all time (IMHO).
Listen to the song in the vid below.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AXjakClhg_A
It perfectly describes how I feel right now. Ironically, I first heard it because Stevie had it on a mix CD, and I downloaded it because it reminded me of House and Stacy (those who watch the show- think about it. Makes so much sense, right?).
.
.
.
I would have stayed with her. All her friends always left, and I was wholeheartedly determined to be different. I wouldn't have left her, I wouldn't have hurt her, ever!
I guess I'll never fully understand why she pushed me away.