(no subject)
I'm here in Idaho Falls and I'm trying to get my thoughts out of my head before the library closes and kicks me out. I've been so stressed out this past week. Ash's birthday is tomorrow. I haven't missed going to his grave on his birthday ever. I will miss it tomorrow. It makes me feel like I'm moving on. I don't know if I'm ready to move on. I'm still living as a shadow of myself in some emotional aspects. I feel that it's almost like not caring anymore if I stop going to his grave and stop dedicating a day to him. I don't want to stop caring, or forget, or move on for that matter. It's just so hard. And I don't know why. Sigh. I love you Munchkin. 7 years old tomorrow. And still my baby boy.
And I'm bummed out that John isn't coming back to the train. He left the same day I did and got laid-off... so now he's not coming back. Dammit. Oh well. At least I hung out with him for a short time on rotation. He called me on one of my last days at home and I drove up to Olympia. It was a good night. Made it suck even more when I heard he wasn't ever coming back. yuck yuck yuck.
I think I'll go drink tonight. The train crew is going to karaoke tonight. I think I'll have to go.
I love you Ash.
And I'm bummed out that John isn't coming back to the train. He left the same day I did and got laid-off... so now he's not coming back. Dammit. Oh well. At least I hung out with him for a short time on rotation. He called me on one of my last days at home and I drove up to Olympia. It was a good night. Made it suck even more when I heard he wasn't ever coming back. yuck yuck yuck.
I think I'll go drink tonight. The train crew is going to karaoke tonight. I think I'll have to go.
I love you Ash.