(no subject)
i've sort of been sitting on this because it kills me to talk about it. Two weeks ago, I had a miscarriage. It didn't really fully hit me until last night. Of course i've been thinking about it and i've been upset. But part of me was in denial. After I got over the shock of being pregnant, I was excited. I mean I did everything I could to not get pregnant so I sort of took it as a sign that it was meant to be. But last night I was watching tv and there was a baby boy and I thought, "I wonder if my baby is a boy or a girl" and then realized there is no more baby and I completely lost it. Completely. No one really gets it. Or else, everyone is unforgivingly heartless. My favorite line has been "it's for the best." Oh really. If my baby was 5 or 6 yrs old and died, no one would say that to me. It's just mean. I never got around to telling the daddy. And honestly, I don't think he wouldve cared. So I don't see the point now. I wish I could grieve with him but I think he'd be celebrating instead. And most of my "friends" couldn't care less. So that's great. I don't really have anyone to talk about it with. The only person I really sat down with was JBB and he's more interested in kicking the dude's ass because he somehow realized this is the guy I broke up with him for. So really, no one to talk about it with. i'm just a wreck. It was such a mean trick. Make me think I have a future and then take it away. That's just mean. Everyone knows that "stable" is a relative term when it comes to my emotional state and "fragile" is a much better adjective. I drank a bottle of absinthe the other night. i'm truly surprised I made it to the next day. Tomorrow I hope to get really creative with my x-acto knife. But i'm running out of hiding places.Truly it's my worst nightmare. Being of the XX variety, giving birth should be the most natural thing I do. It's what we're supposed to do. I feel like a failure. "Jesus, emily. You can't even carry a baby to term. We didn't expect you to cure AIDS but growing a baby isn't that hard. It does most of the work for you. You're just the vessel. But apparently you're useless since you can't even do that." That's pretty much how I feel. Completely worthless in my nightmare I can't wake up from. I don't know what to do.