new year...you rascal you
why does the prospect of a new year always depress me? it makes me think about all the things i didnt do, wanted to do, never got around to, the things i did...
just real depressing crap. all of it.
got back from tucson about 2 hours ago. went to see my nana and tata. that made me depressed. seeing my family so old and sick. all of them. uncles, aunts. sick sick sick. none of them care about anything except bickering and talking about how sick they are. i tried to change the subject, but the subject never, ever changes.
but i went to see my grandparents because they are in their 80's and i love them dearly for all their faults.
probably the best part of the day was escaping with my mom to downtown tucson. i fell in love with the colors and the people. its a real artists haven. i can feel myself splintering off into two people when i meet artsy towns. Mae 1 is the psychology scientist who wants to study deaf culture and sexual expression. Mae 2 is the artist who wants to be a nomad with several studios filled with art that appreciates when i die. (since im not having children my name must live on in some form).
as much as the new year depresses me it also makes me happy about new things to come.
my new years resolution: to have huevos to (blank). and not second guess myself.
I love you waylon. i am about to meet you to get food, one of our reoccuring past times. and it comes to me that i love you more than i love my life, or life itself. that without my soul would be an empty pit of hellish concerns. and that with you, i am reminded everyday to be a better person. when i am with you...its like seeing a long lost friend that i cherish in my heart every second i live. and even as i type these words, and even as my eyes fill with tears, i know they do not comprehend how i feel for you.
just real depressing crap. all of it.
got back from tucson about 2 hours ago. went to see my nana and tata. that made me depressed. seeing my family so old and sick. all of them. uncles, aunts. sick sick sick. none of them care about anything except bickering and talking about how sick they are. i tried to change the subject, but the subject never, ever changes.
but i went to see my grandparents because they are in their 80's and i love them dearly for all their faults.
probably the best part of the day was escaping with my mom to downtown tucson. i fell in love with the colors and the people. its a real artists haven. i can feel myself splintering off into two people when i meet artsy towns. Mae 1 is the psychology scientist who wants to study deaf culture and sexual expression. Mae 2 is the artist who wants to be a nomad with several studios filled with art that appreciates when i die. (since im not having children my name must live on in some form).
as much as the new year depresses me it also makes me happy about new things to come.
my new years resolution: to have huevos to (blank). and not second guess myself.
I love you waylon. i am about to meet you to get food, one of our reoccuring past times. and it comes to me that i love you more than i love my life, or life itself. that without my soul would be an empty pit of hellish concerns. and that with you, i am reminded everyday to be a better person. when i am with you...its like seeing a long lost friend that i cherish in my heart every second i live. and even as i type these words, and even as my eyes fill with tears, i know they do not comprehend how i feel for you.