Arrrghhhhness.
Oh God. Today was, like, the epitome of horrible days. Like, seriously. By the end, things didn't end up being too bad, but just... ugh.
I got up around, like, 1:15. Ha, cuz I didn't go to bed last night til, like... I don't even know. 3:30 or so, maybe. Or maybe later than that. Blah. I don't know.
But I still somehow managed to barely get to work on time. Yeah. So.. blah. Work started off like usual. It was pretty busy, since it was a weekend and it was nice out and all... Blah.
Yeah. But it ended up being just like last week. Ryan started criticizing me for every little thing I did wrong. It's like... I don't know. It's just the way he talks to me. He gets all mean about it. I don't know. It just makes me hate myself even more. And also makes me not want to listen to him. Which pisses HIM off even more, etc. Yeah. So I hate myself.
And then finally I was scooping two quarts of ice cream for this bitchy lady and he started yelling at me about how I wasn't doing it right. And then he went on about how if I didn't want to listen and do things the right way I didn't have to work there and I could go clock out and go home. And... I don't know. He just was really mad and got this whole attitude about it, and he knows that's not gonna make me listen to him. And I told him that I wouldn't... I told him to go away cuz I was just going to ignore him. Bah. And I was standing there practically fucking crying while I was scooping ice cream, and my arm was killing me from scooping so much, and the lady was bitching at me and saying that I wasn't filling the quarts enough... and, bah. I just hate myself.
So Ryan, like, grabbed the stuff from me and said he'd finish it and fill them all the way and stuff. So I went and looked in the little thing where the wait staff people keep the silverware. And I took a knife and went downstairs in the basement. And Ryan opened the door behind me and asked what I was doing and I said I was getting more vanilla ice cream and he closed the door and went away.
So I got out another thing of the vanilla and left it on the freezer and then went around the corner and sat on a box and took off my glasses and put them on a thing of toilet paper or something. And there were a bunch of napkins there so I took some and started crying. And I took the knife and put it to my wrist but I didn't really do anything with it.
So I sat there for a few minutes like that. And then I left my glasses there and went to the room in the back of the basement, where we keep the plastic spoons and cups and stuff. And there was a chair back there so I sat down. And I put the knife to my wrist again and I knew I just wanted to kill myself. I pressed it down, and it left some marks, but I didn't draw blood or anything. And I just kinda kept crying and doing that. The knife had ridges and wasn't really very sharp, so all I really did was leave a few little marks there from where the ridge things had been embedded.
Blah. And then Ryan came in and found me and got all mad and started yelling and stuff and took the knife from me. And I just started crying more and made an ass of myself and he tried to hold me down and grab my wrist and stuff but I tried not to let him. So then he finally walked away and took the knife and said he was calling my parents. And I said that if he did I'd never talk to him again, and he said that was ok and walked away.
And... bah. I sat there a while more and then got up and decided to see if I could find any other sharp objects down there. So there was this wrench and I kind of squeezed my wrist between it, but all it did was leave some deeper marks. Bah. After a while Sarah came down to see if I was ok and I said I was.
So, yeah. I stayed down there for a while and then finally came up and stayed there in the back room upstairs for a while. And Jeff kept bugging me and asking if I was ok and stuff, and bah. We talked and crap but not really cuz he had to wait tables and stuff. Myeh. And Stacie and Erin came back cuz they had to do stuff and told me how much of an asshole Ryan is. And Stacie asked why I was even with him and I said cuz I can't get anything better.
Blah. And my parents came and Ryan came back there and told me I had to leave and then we just started arguing again and I knew he frickin hated me.
And I told him I wasn't going to leave and it turned into a big whole stupid thing. And Jeff came back a few more times and tried to be nice and all, but I was just like, Bah, go away. And I told him how I hated myself and how stupid my parents and everyone was for caring about me at all and he told me to shut up and stuff.
Yeah. And Sarah and Erin and Stacie asked if I was alright a few times, and I kinda just wanted to yell, 'Hello, I just tried to kill myself in the basement, what do you think?' But yeah. I didn't. Of course I said I was ok.
And I'm sure this whole fucking thing will be brought up with my therapist, but I should probably be able to convince everyone that it was nothing and I'm fine and I didn't really want to hurt/kill myself. You really can't see any marks left on my wrist. There's just a scar there from a few years ago when I got into a fight with my brother and he pushed me and I fell and cut my arms on these metal picture frame things sitting on my floor, so yeah.
Myeh. And he kept trying to tell me that I had to fucking leave with my parents and I kept refusing and telling him to go away. And he and Jeff kept saying to at least go out there and talk to my parents and tell them I was ok and stuff, but I said that there was no way in hell that I was going to talk to them.
So, bah. This went on for a while. I said I'd go back out there and work, but not til my parents were gone. And I guess they finally said they would leave and Ryan could give me a ride home that night, even though he was pissed that he'd have to stay til closing cuz he wanted to go home and get the hell away from me. Bah.
Yeah. And he said that he'd have to clock me out until I went back out there, but I said I was about to go back out, so he said ok. But I thought I should clock myself out anyway, cuz I had kinda just been standing there for a while not working, so I didn't deserve to get paid for it. Hell, I didn't deserve to get paid for anything. Ha, I never clocked back in, so I ended up working like two or three hours for free. Yay for me. I also refused to take any of my tips, so I guess Ryan has them... yeah.
So. I worked the rest of the night. And Ryan went out and then came back. And... blah. I didn't want to talk to him or anything, so I just did what I had to. And... blah. Yeah. I know you don't wanna hear anymore.
Goddammit.
So in the car he was all trying to talk to me and stuff and I didn't answer or anything cuz I had promised him that I'd never talk to him again. So, of course, that pissed him off even more. And he kept talking and asking stuff and trying to guilt me into talking and explaining things, but I kinda just sat there and smiled and laughed. And he kept saying stuff like, 'Oh, I guess your giving me the silent treatment is more important than our relationship.' And I kinda felt like responding with something like, 'You know, you really sound like an ass sitting there talking to yourself like that.' But, er, yeah, I didn't.
Blah. So he drove to Hockhockson and kept trying to get stuff out of me and make me feel guilty and stuff. And it's weird cuz he had, like, no clue what had happened or why I did what I did and kept asking me to explain stuff to him. He kept saying how he was just trying to help me with my job and stuff (by yelling and criticizing me about how incompetent I am) and that I needed to handle the criticism better and stuff, but... I dunno. I don't think he understands exactly how he sounds when he does criticize me about my job and stuff. Like... he just gets so vicious about it. Seriously. Like, I don't know how else to describe it. Like I had done something to really offend him or something. And it makes me feel really crappy. It's not the fact that he's criticizing me or anything, it's just the way that he does it... he kept saying that he was trying to help me and stuff... but the approach he was taking was totally not helping.
Bah. Of course, I didn't say any of that to him. And now he'll probably read this here and get all mad at me for that and start a whole new argument... but whatever. Bah.
So, yeah. We sat in the car for a while. And I slid down really far in the seat, cuz I kept seeing the reflection of my thighs in the windows and they're so big and gross and just looking at them seriously made me want to puke. So, yeah. I slid them down like all the way under the thing in the front of the car... um yeah. And that really made my back hurt like hell, but whatever.
So we sat there and I cried and stuff cuz I'm a loser and it all ended up being stupid and emotional and I didn't want to say anything to him cuz that would be giving in. And the last thing I wanted was to show how weak I am and give in. Bah. Like, half the time I just kept thinking about how much I just wanted to hug him and cry on his shoulder, but I wouldn't let myself.
And he kept saying like, 'Well, I guess you don't want to be with me then,' and I was like, 'Shut up,' and... bah. I don't know. Things ended up being ok. But I fucking want what I deserve. And I don't deserve him. I don't deserve anything. Why the hell did he even forgive me for any of this? It's so dumb, and I hate myself. And I'm glad that things are good between us now, but... blah.
Yeah. And none of that making-up stuff was as easy or quick as I just made it sound, but whatever, you don't care.
Blah... yeah. Stuff happened and it was cool. And then, being the bitch I am, I made him take me to 7-11 cuz I was really thirsty and that was like the only place in the world that was open. So, yeah, I got some frozen coffee-ish thing... I don't remember the name of it, but it was like French vanilla flavored or something and it was pretty good. And I felt bad cuz I hadn't really gotten my dad anything for Father's Day. I didn't even send him a fucking e-card or anything cuz I'm an ungrateful little bitch. So I bought him two Pay Day bars, cuz that's his favorite candy... even though it was already after midnight so it technically wasn't Father's Day anymore.
Myeh. I could say more about that but I'll save it til another time.
And I got home and my parents were really pissed cuz it was so late. And they made a whole huge deal about it and said they were all worried and Ryan's dad was all worried and blah... can't they just fucking accept that I have a job that isn't always going to allow me to be home early? Bah.
And, um, yeah. A.F.I. has made me feel a bit better, I guess. I made myself some macaroni and cheese and it was really good. Heh. And I kinda wouldn't mind some more pasta right now, but it's kinda four in the morning, so... I don't know. Bah, I still didn't get any work done. Everyone's gonna kill me tomorrow.
I hate myself.
Myeh. I'm fairly sure that by the end of this year I will have found a way to kill myself that I can get away with and can actually get myself to carry out, but... myeh.
Whateverness. I still love Ryan even though he should hate me... and I'm still determined to do whatever I can to get him to hate me, and I won't stop until he does, cuz that's what I deserve... but whatever.
I think I might attempt to go possibly get an hour or two of sleep. Maybe I could get one of my parents to drive me to school tomorrow so I can sleep an extra, like, five minutes. Bah. Or maybe I should call Ryan in the morning and see if he'll give me a ride, even though my parents probably won't even let me go with him.
Bah. I really want to post a superly sexy Davey pic here, but I don't feel like taking the time right now, so... tomorrow (er, today). Yeah.
And of course, throughout this entire entry, today = yesterday.
Blah.
Goodnight (morning) everyone. Ha... the sun will be up in like an hour and a half. I can't wait til school's out so I can be completely nocturnal all the time...
Time~ 4:09am
I got up around, like, 1:15. Ha, cuz I didn't go to bed last night til, like... I don't even know. 3:30 or so, maybe. Or maybe later than that. Blah. I don't know.
But I still somehow managed to barely get to work on time. Yeah. So.. blah. Work started off like usual. It was pretty busy, since it was a weekend and it was nice out and all... Blah.
Yeah. But it ended up being just like last week. Ryan started criticizing me for every little thing I did wrong. It's like... I don't know. It's just the way he talks to me. He gets all mean about it. I don't know. It just makes me hate myself even more. And also makes me not want to listen to him. Which pisses HIM off even more, etc. Yeah. So I hate myself.
And then finally I was scooping two quarts of ice cream for this bitchy lady and he started yelling at me about how I wasn't doing it right. And then he went on about how if I didn't want to listen and do things the right way I didn't have to work there and I could go clock out and go home. And... I don't know. He just was really mad and got this whole attitude about it, and he knows that's not gonna make me listen to him. And I told him that I wouldn't... I told him to go away cuz I was just going to ignore him. Bah. And I was standing there practically fucking crying while I was scooping ice cream, and my arm was killing me from scooping so much, and the lady was bitching at me and saying that I wasn't filling the quarts enough... and, bah. I just hate myself.
So Ryan, like, grabbed the stuff from me and said he'd finish it and fill them all the way and stuff. So I went and looked in the little thing where the wait staff people keep the silverware. And I took a knife and went downstairs in the basement. And Ryan opened the door behind me and asked what I was doing and I said I was getting more vanilla ice cream and he closed the door and went away.
So I got out another thing of the vanilla and left it on the freezer and then went around the corner and sat on a box and took off my glasses and put them on a thing of toilet paper or something. And there were a bunch of napkins there so I took some and started crying. And I took the knife and put it to my wrist but I didn't really do anything with it.
So I sat there for a few minutes like that. And then I left my glasses there and went to the room in the back of the basement, where we keep the plastic spoons and cups and stuff. And there was a chair back there so I sat down. And I put the knife to my wrist again and I knew I just wanted to kill myself. I pressed it down, and it left some marks, but I didn't draw blood or anything. And I just kinda kept crying and doing that. The knife had ridges and wasn't really very sharp, so all I really did was leave a few little marks there from where the ridge things had been embedded.
Blah. And then Ryan came in and found me and got all mad and started yelling and stuff and took the knife from me. And I just started crying more and made an ass of myself and he tried to hold me down and grab my wrist and stuff but I tried not to let him. So then he finally walked away and took the knife and said he was calling my parents. And I said that if he did I'd never talk to him again, and he said that was ok and walked away.
And... bah. I sat there a while more and then got up and decided to see if I could find any other sharp objects down there. So there was this wrench and I kind of squeezed my wrist between it, but all it did was leave some deeper marks. Bah. After a while Sarah came down to see if I was ok and I said I was.
So, yeah. I stayed down there for a while and then finally came up and stayed there in the back room upstairs for a while. And Jeff kept bugging me and asking if I was ok and stuff, and bah. We talked and crap but not really cuz he had to wait tables and stuff. Myeh. And Stacie and Erin came back cuz they had to do stuff and told me how much of an asshole Ryan is. And Stacie asked why I was even with him and I said cuz I can't get anything better.
Blah. And my parents came and Ryan came back there and told me I had to leave and then we just started arguing again and I knew he frickin hated me.
And I told him I wasn't going to leave and it turned into a big whole stupid thing. And Jeff came back a few more times and tried to be nice and all, but I was just like, Bah, go away. And I told him how I hated myself and how stupid my parents and everyone was for caring about me at all and he told me to shut up and stuff.
Yeah. And Sarah and Erin and Stacie asked if I was alright a few times, and I kinda just wanted to yell, 'Hello, I just tried to kill myself in the basement, what do you think?' But yeah. I didn't. Of course I said I was ok.
And I'm sure this whole fucking thing will be brought up with my therapist, but I should probably be able to convince everyone that it was nothing and I'm fine and I didn't really want to hurt/kill myself. You really can't see any marks left on my wrist. There's just a scar there from a few years ago when I got into a fight with my brother and he pushed me and I fell and cut my arms on these metal picture frame things sitting on my floor, so yeah.
Myeh. And he kept trying to tell me that I had to fucking leave with my parents and I kept refusing and telling him to go away. And he and Jeff kept saying to at least go out there and talk to my parents and tell them I was ok and stuff, but I said that there was no way in hell that I was going to talk to them.
So, bah. This went on for a while. I said I'd go back out there and work, but not til my parents were gone. And I guess they finally said they would leave and Ryan could give me a ride home that night, even though he was pissed that he'd have to stay til closing cuz he wanted to go home and get the hell away from me. Bah.
Yeah. And he said that he'd have to clock me out until I went back out there, but I said I was about to go back out, so he said ok. But I thought I should clock myself out anyway, cuz I had kinda just been standing there for a while not working, so I didn't deserve to get paid for it. Hell, I didn't deserve to get paid for anything. Ha, I never clocked back in, so I ended up working like two or three hours for free. Yay for me. I also refused to take any of my tips, so I guess Ryan has them... yeah.
So. I worked the rest of the night. And Ryan went out and then came back. And... blah. I didn't want to talk to him or anything, so I just did what I had to. And... blah. Yeah. I know you don't wanna hear anymore.
Goddammit.
So in the car he was all trying to talk to me and stuff and I didn't answer or anything cuz I had promised him that I'd never talk to him again. So, of course, that pissed him off even more. And he kept talking and asking stuff and trying to guilt me into talking and explaining things, but I kinda just sat there and smiled and laughed. And he kept saying stuff like, 'Oh, I guess your giving me the silent treatment is more important than our relationship.' And I kinda felt like responding with something like, 'You know, you really sound like an ass sitting there talking to yourself like that.' But, er, yeah, I didn't.
Blah. So he drove to Hockhockson and kept trying to get stuff out of me and make me feel guilty and stuff. And it's weird cuz he had, like, no clue what had happened or why I did what I did and kept asking me to explain stuff to him. He kept saying how he was just trying to help me with my job and stuff (by yelling and criticizing me about how incompetent I am) and that I needed to handle the criticism better and stuff, but... I dunno. I don't think he understands exactly how he sounds when he does criticize me about my job and stuff. Like... he just gets so vicious about it. Seriously. Like, I don't know how else to describe it. Like I had done something to really offend him or something. And it makes me feel really crappy. It's not the fact that he's criticizing me or anything, it's just the way that he does it... he kept saying that he was trying to help me and stuff... but the approach he was taking was totally not helping.
Bah. Of course, I didn't say any of that to him. And now he'll probably read this here and get all mad at me for that and start a whole new argument... but whatever. Bah.
So, yeah. We sat in the car for a while. And I slid down really far in the seat, cuz I kept seeing the reflection of my thighs in the windows and they're so big and gross and just looking at them seriously made me want to puke. So, yeah. I slid them down like all the way under the thing in the front of the car... um yeah. And that really made my back hurt like hell, but whatever.
So we sat there and I cried and stuff cuz I'm a loser and it all ended up being stupid and emotional and I didn't want to say anything to him cuz that would be giving in. And the last thing I wanted was to show how weak I am and give in. Bah. Like, half the time I just kept thinking about how much I just wanted to hug him and cry on his shoulder, but I wouldn't let myself.
And he kept saying like, 'Well, I guess you don't want to be with me then,' and I was like, 'Shut up,' and... bah. I don't know. Things ended up being ok. But I fucking want what I deserve. And I don't deserve him. I don't deserve anything. Why the hell did he even forgive me for any of this? It's so dumb, and I hate myself. And I'm glad that things are good between us now, but... blah.
Yeah. And none of that making-up stuff was as easy or quick as I just made it sound, but whatever, you don't care.
Blah... yeah. Stuff happened and it was cool. And then, being the bitch I am, I made him take me to 7-11 cuz I was really thirsty and that was like the only place in the world that was open. So, yeah, I got some frozen coffee-ish thing... I don't remember the name of it, but it was like French vanilla flavored or something and it was pretty good. And I felt bad cuz I hadn't really gotten my dad anything for Father's Day. I didn't even send him a fucking e-card or anything cuz I'm an ungrateful little bitch. So I bought him two Pay Day bars, cuz that's his favorite candy... even though it was already after midnight so it technically wasn't Father's Day anymore.
Myeh. I could say more about that but I'll save it til another time.
And I got home and my parents were really pissed cuz it was so late. And they made a whole huge deal about it and said they were all worried and Ryan's dad was all worried and blah... can't they just fucking accept that I have a job that isn't always going to allow me to be home early? Bah.
And, um, yeah. A.F.I. has made me feel a bit better, I guess. I made myself some macaroni and cheese and it was really good. Heh. And I kinda wouldn't mind some more pasta right now, but it's kinda four in the morning, so... I don't know. Bah, I still didn't get any work done. Everyone's gonna kill me tomorrow.
I hate myself.
Myeh. I'm fairly sure that by the end of this year I will have found a way to kill myself that I can get away with and can actually get myself to carry out, but... myeh.
Whateverness. I still love Ryan even though he should hate me... and I'm still determined to do whatever I can to get him to hate me, and I won't stop until he does, cuz that's what I deserve... but whatever.
I think I might attempt to go possibly get an hour or two of sleep. Maybe I could get one of my parents to drive me to school tomorrow so I can sleep an extra, like, five minutes. Bah. Or maybe I should call Ryan in the morning and see if he'll give me a ride, even though my parents probably won't even let me go with him.
Bah. I really want to post a superly sexy Davey pic here, but I don't feel like taking the time right now, so... tomorrow (er, today). Yeah.
And of course, throughout this entire entry, today = yesterday.
Blah.
Goodnight (morning) everyone. Ha... the sun will be up in like an hour and a half. I can't wait til school's out so I can be completely nocturnal all the time...
Time~ 4:09am