Fuck Valentine's Day, and how lucky I know myself to be.
I wish I had time to update here more often, but I don't seem to have time for nearly anything online anymore, other than having Facebook open in the background while I do school assignments. And here I am again, months after my last entry, bothering you all with a rant and ramble. I'm sorry, loves.
I hope all is well with you guys. <3
But here is my rant in full, something I've been writing over the last week as the urge strikes me. Forgive the length.
Valentine's day. Ungh, shoot me now.
What a vile holiday this is. Now, don't jump on me yet, I do have an explanation. As most of you know, I am not single this year for the first time in many years, and though I cannot be with my significant other for this holiday, it isn't some kind of petty animosity that makes Valentine's day leave such a bitter taste in my mouth. It is the holiday itself and what it has come to mean in our culture.
Men? If you don't buy your girlfriend something sparkly, a bouquet of roses, and take her to dinner, you're a terrible person. Women? If you are involved in any way with a man and he does not shower you with gifts, you're in a terrible relationship and, really, how could that insensitive oaf do this to you? In case anyone was wondering, this paragraph was sarcastic.
Why in the hell would I want my boyfriend/fiance/husband to buy me a gift because a holiday told him to? Why would I want him to be romantic just because Hallmark and Walmart have the corner on products? Fuck, I love being spoiled as much as the next woman (within reason... I'm too cheap to abide by any real spoiling, lol), and I'm a damned romantic tool... but I do not want anything done for me just because of the date.
Valentine's day is a fine day to make sure you take the time to appreciate your partner, yes. I can admit that. Because life gets busy, we get stressed, and sometimes our relationships get pushed to the side in light of these things. So having this one day in which we can spend time with the one we love, remind ourselves how amazing they are, and be a little bit stupidly romantic is fine. Yes, it is fine. But why, with this, are gifts expected? And why are the gifts always expected from the men? Why do ANY gifts need to be given to show love? And why are guys expected to go out of their way to make this day 'special' just because today's commercialistic society says so?
-
All that said, as I mentioned, I don't see an issue with Valentine's day as a wake-up call, or a moment to take a time-out. I merely cannot understand the capitalist backing of it, and I do not want anyone arbitrarily being sweet to me. I want someone to be sweet to me because they WANT to, not because they HAVE to.
And this is me being sweet because I want to. Because I am a sappy girl who does this. <3
I have a fantastic relationship.
Those of you who have witnessed a couple of my moods and rants in the last months may look a little strangely at that, but do let me explain. There is no such thing as a relationship where two people always agree. I think things would be boring even if there was. And it certainly wouldn't feel healthy to me. So yes, Peter and I have disagreements (mostly stemming from misunderstandings, the more I observe), and sometimes I will curse like a sailor and do my 'angry typing' that everyone in the EDRC seems to make fun of me for.
Regardless of some hiccups, though, I feel so lucky in the relationship I have. I listen to my peers (even perfect strangers on the bus, or people in my classes) and get... just a little more thankful every day that I am sane, that Peter is brilliant, and that despite our unwillingness to see eye to eye on some issues, we are still very much in love and work well together.
As I said above, Valentine's day is a fine day to remind one's self of just how amazing one's partner is, to make sure you've not let those day-to-day stresses or arguments eclipse just why you love the person as much as you do.
So I'mma feed Peter's ego a little bit here. He deserves it, and I'm not there to be pushed out the room by the size of his head, so it works. ;)
I fell in love with a brilliant man. It was so unexpected, and this last year has been one surprise after another in this. I managed to find someone who is my equal in all things, that challenges me, who makes me smile without even meaning to, who takes my breath away. I found something that was possible (despite my wishes for the opposite) and real and amazing. And I'm going to marry this amazing man, against all odds.
I didn't tell him I loved him for months after we were together, out of fear and denial. But I know I was fooling myself, and looking back I'm nearly frightened by how quickly I fell for him. It was... serendipity almost. I had only in the months prior to meeting him finally come to the conclusion that I was fine by myself, totally happy on my own, and content with my impossibilities. I had finally, after five years of choosing the be single, actually become comfortable in that completely, and nearly happy to have only myself and Rayvn to care for.
But then I met Peter. It was happenstance, total and complete coincidence that I would notice him amongst the 15,000 other people at that convention center, that he would have the time to sit and talk to me, that we would hit it off so amazingly. And it seemed doomed from the start since he was moving across the country, but (used to impossibility as I was) I was still yet content to simply bask in this amazing man's presence, to feel that fluttering feeling of being so utterly enamored with a person.
But I have told this story a million times before, so there's no reason to rehash it. But I close my eyes now and remember the things that make me love him as I do, lest I get complacent and take for granted how lucky I am. I don't think I can put into words how lucky I am. I have someone who is my intellectual equal, who tolerates my eccentricities and even encourages them, who will geek out with me and will geek out himself (we WILL have a replica TARDIS in our house, thanks, and a room we can put all our our geekery in), who can begin explaining something and have me jump in in understanding immediately. I'd never had any of this before... and I didn't realize how much I needed it until I had it.
And he loves Rayvn, and she loves him. They're wrapped so tightly around one another's fingers without even having met face to face that I coo sappily in my mind. Rayvn has decided that Peter is to be her new daddy, and cheerfully informs everyone who will listen of this. And Peter just adores her right back. It is so cute that my cute quota is easily filled every time they so much as mention one another.
There have been new things to learn (heh...) and new experiences to have, both positive and negative. And long distance relationships fucking suck when one person stops being satisfied with text. But in 6 weeks he will be visiting. And in 4 months or so I will be beginning my cross-country relocation, as frightening as the prospect is.
I cannot be sure of anything, even of if this will work out. I can have faith and hope and belief... but nothing is ever sure. I'm no fool, loves, lest you forget the person you are dealing with. I am a logical being to a fault, and even when my emotions are in high gear I can see things objectively for what they are. And nothing is certain.
But I believe this can work. I believe it WILL work.
Because I have an amazing man, a gorgeous, brilliant, creative, ingenious, witty man who makes me feel, for the first time in my life, utterly full. And lest I forget, I will sit here now and just bask in the knowledge of how lucky I am, in the memories of the last year from first kiss to last, and celebrate Valentine's day in the best way possible:
In love, and without expectation.
I hope all is well with you guys. <3
But here is my rant in full, something I've been writing over the last week as the urge strikes me. Forgive the length.
Valentine's day. Ungh, shoot me now.
What a vile holiday this is. Now, don't jump on me yet, I do have an explanation. As most of you know, I am not single this year for the first time in many years, and though I cannot be with my significant other for this holiday, it isn't some kind of petty animosity that makes Valentine's day leave such a bitter taste in my mouth. It is the holiday itself and what it has come to mean in our culture.
Men? If you don't buy your girlfriend something sparkly, a bouquet of roses, and take her to dinner, you're a terrible person. Women? If you are involved in any way with a man and he does not shower you with gifts, you're in a terrible relationship and, really, how could that insensitive oaf do this to you? In case anyone was wondering, this paragraph was sarcastic.
Why in the hell would I want my boyfriend/fiance/husband to buy me a gift because a holiday told him to? Why would I want him to be romantic just because Hallmark and Walmart have the corner on products? Fuck, I love being spoiled as much as the next woman (within reason... I'm too cheap to abide by any real spoiling, lol), and I'm a damned romantic tool... but I do not want anything done for me just because of the date.
Valentine's day is a fine day to make sure you take the time to appreciate your partner, yes. I can admit that. Because life gets busy, we get stressed, and sometimes our relationships get pushed to the side in light of these things. So having this one day in which we can spend time with the one we love, remind ourselves how amazing they are, and be a little bit stupidly romantic is fine. Yes, it is fine. But why, with this, are gifts expected? And why are the gifts always expected from the men? Why do ANY gifts need to be given to show love? And why are guys expected to go out of their way to make this day 'special' just because today's commercialistic society says so?
-
All that said, as I mentioned, I don't see an issue with Valentine's day as a wake-up call, or a moment to take a time-out. I merely cannot understand the capitalist backing of it, and I do not want anyone arbitrarily being sweet to me. I want someone to be sweet to me because they WANT to, not because they HAVE to.
And this is me being sweet because I want to. Because I am a sappy girl who does this. <3
I have a fantastic relationship.
Those of you who have witnessed a couple of my moods and rants in the last months may look a little strangely at that, but do let me explain. There is no such thing as a relationship where two people always agree. I think things would be boring even if there was. And it certainly wouldn't feel healthy to me. So yes, Peter and I have disagreements (mostly stemming from misunderstandings, the more I observe), and sometimes I will curse like a sailor and do my 'angry typing' that everyone in the EDRC seems to make fun of me for.
Regardless of some hiccups, though, I feel so lucky in the relationship I have. I listen to my peers (even perfect strangers on the bus, or people in my classes) and get... just a little more thankful every day that I am sane, that Peter is brilliant, and that despite our unwillingness to see eye to eye on some issues, we are still very much in love and work well together.
As I said above, Valentine's day is a fine day to remind one's self of just how amazing one's partner is, to make sure you've not let those day-to-day stresses or arguments eclipse just why you love the person as much as you do.
So I'mma feed Peter's ego a little bit here. He deserves it, and I'm not there to be pushed out the room by the size of his head, so it works. ;)
I fell in love with a brilliant man. It was so unexpected, and this last year has been one surprise after another in this. I managed to find someone who is my equal in all things, that challenges me, who makes me smile without even meaning to, who takes my breath away. I found something that was possible (despite my wishes for the opposite) and real and amazing. And I'm going to marry this amazing man, against all odds.
I didn't tell him I loved him for months after we were together, out of fear and denial. But I know I was fooling myself, and looking back I'm nearly frightened by how quickly I fell for him. It was... serendipity almost. I had only in the months prior to meeting him finally come to the conclusion that I was fine by myself, totally happy on my own, and content with my impossibilities. I had finally, after five years of choosing the be single, actually become comfortable in that completely, and nearly happy to have only myself and Rayvn to care for.
But then I met Peter. It was happenstance, total and complete coincidence that I would notice him amongst the 15,000 other people at that convention center, that he would have the time to sit and talk to me, that we would hit it off so amazingly. And it seemed doomed from the start since he was moving across the country, but (used to impossibility as I was) I was still yet content to simply bask in this amazing man's presence, to feel that fluttering feeling of being so utterly enamored with a person.
But I have told this story a million times before, so there's no reason to rehash it. But I close my eyes now and remember the things that make me love him as I do, lest I get complacent and take for granted how lucky I am. I don't think I can put into words how lucky I am. I have someone who is my intellectual equal, who tolerates my eccentricities and even encourages them, who will geek out with me and will geek out himself (we WILL have a replica TARDIS in our house, thanks, and a room we can put all our our geekery in), who can begin explaining something and have me jump in in understanding immediately. I'd never had any of this before... and I didn't realize how much I needed it until I had it.
And he loves Rayvn, and she loves him. They're wrapped so tightly around one another's fingers without even having met face to face that I coo sappily in my mind. Rayvn has decided that Peter is to be her new daddy, and cheerfully informs everyone who will listen of this. And Peter just adores her right back. It is so cute that my cute quota is easily filled every time they so much as mention one another.
There have been new things to learn (heh...) and new experiences to have, both positive and negative. And long distance relationships fucking suck when one person stops being satisfied with text. But in 6 weeks he will be visiting. And in 4 months or so I will be beginning my cross-country relocation, as frightening as the prospect is.
I cannot be sure of anything, even of if this will work out. I can have faith and hope and belief... but nothing is ever sure. I'm no fool, loves, lest you forget the person you are dealing with. I am a logical being to a fault, and even when my emotions are in high gear I can see things objectively for what they are. And nothing is certain.
But I believe this can work. I believe it WILL work.
Because I have an amazing man, a gorgeous, brilliant, creative, ingenious, witty man who makes me feel, for the first time in my life, utterly full. And lest I forget, I will sit here now and just bask in the knowledge of how lucky I am, in the memories of the last year from first kiss to last, and celebrate Valentine's day in the best way possible:
In love, and without expectation.