(Untitled)

[emptyyourself]

Comments

[hopeless_hacker]

I can't stand that the idea of 'deserving' someone else, for better or worse, is so prominent in the dialogue on relationships. Not least because when someone says 'I don't deserve my wife/husband/partner', what they're generally doing is patting themselves on the back for managing to somehow ensnare them anyway.

Besides, as far as you and Martha go, I think you're both damaged in ways that complement each other. That's an observation, not an insult. I don't consider that hypocrisy, either; I won't pretend a second that I'm saying anything that couldn't just as easily be said of me or any of the relationships I've ever had. I'm actually very, very jealous that she's found someone who might very well stay with her forever.

And for what it's worth, I don't tend to speak up for Martha for two reasons. Firstly, I think that by and large she's perfectly capable of defending her own corner, and that I'd hate it if anyone tried to speak for me. Secondly, sometimes I hope that if I seem callous enough she'll eventually stop caring about me.

[emptyyourself]

I don't think I managed to ensnare her. I'm confused as to why she's with me in the first place, actually. I think you have a good theory about both of us being damaged and will probably use that to explain everything I don't understand about it.

I wish I could pursue a friendship with you because I think you are a good woman and Martha loves you, but regardless of the time that has passed and the conversations we've had, I have a crippling sense of guilt regarding what I did to you. However, after this conversation, I might do it just to spite you.

[hopeless_hacker]

I wish you'd have your foot fixed properly. It's completely within your ability. Watching you limp around everywhere makes me feel like you're either trying to make me feel guilty for shooting you or trying to bear a cross for something that was practically a day at the office for me. I hate it. I hate watching you walk across a room. And I actually resent you more for that than I resent that you threatened to kill me and throw me overboard to begin with.

Having said that, I don't actually dislike you, and if you do invest anything in making friends with me then it'll only bother me insofar as I don't know why I deserve anyone's time and attention any more.

[emptyyourself]

I can't actually fix my foot. I've tried, but when I returned home, all resources were being redirected to post-war needs and I couldn't find potions or aid, and I was in such a state of grief and upset that I cared for it improperly.

But now that I know it bothers you, I'm going to take great pains to hide my limp. I think I deserve it, though, just as you deserve time and attention and friendship.

[hopeless_hacker]

That will make me feel worse and I'd rather you didn't.

[emptyyourself]

I'm very confused. People confuse me if they don't hate me and I'm not actively trying to make them feel negatively but they do anyway.

I'll send Martha to talk to you. She makes me feel better, and therefore I think she makes everyone feel better.

Martha is just going to threadjack everyone. Sorry.

[thegooddrjones]

I'm not ever going to stop caring about you, Tosh. I've just been trying to give you space and hope you'll come around, but I'm going to come bothering you again because I think you're lovely and wonderful and deserve much better than Owen. You and Owen reminds me of me and the Tenth Doctor and that was horrid for me.

Also, I think you're right about the damage bit. But it doesn't mean I love him any less.

[hopeless_hacker]

I'm actually over Owen, more or less; maybe that's just because I haven't seen him for so long. Since Harper left I've reached the conclusion that I don't deserve anyone, or at least that I should resign myself to the knowledge that I will never have a successful long-term relationship.

I'm coming to terms with it. I'm sure the part of me that wants to be loved will die of neglect or starvation, eventually.

[ifightfor]

[.....................................................]

Que

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What does this mean?

[You broke him.]

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[hopeless_hacker]

I'm not very good at interpersonal relationships. It's not relevant to my ability to act as your Warden.

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[ifightfor]

You are not happy.

This is not

normal. For Users.

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[hopeless_hacker]

...

It's not ideal, certainly. I don't think I'm qualified to comment on what's 'normal'.

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[ifightfor]

Qu

Defin

What would be ideal?

Why don't you deserve| value judgement attention?

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[hopeless_hacker]

Everyone I've had or could have had a relationship with has died, in circumstances I was either directly involved in or able to prevent. The only exception took place on the Barge; he's since left, and it is very clear I will never see him again. I've reached the point where I think I'd be better off closing the door on the entire possibility of spending my life with someone else. Fewer people will get hurt that way.

If none of that was true, or if I didn't believe it? That would be ideal.

You shouldn't pursue this, Rinzler. It isn't necessary for you to know this about me.

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[ifightfor]

I woul

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You are my User. It is not right with you. I would       fix it.

If you

permit.

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[hopeless_hacker]

You can't. It's not an issue of permission, you just...no-one can.

I'm genuinely touched by the offer, though.