(Untitled)

[emptyyourself]

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[thegooddrjones]

I'm smug about us having more sex than anyone else on the ship too. Especially because it's fantastic sex.

I wish you would think you deserve me, because I think you do. It worries me you don't think so because it makes me feel like you'll do things you really don't want to do in order to make me happy. That's normal in every relationship, but I worry you'll do it too much.

I am both glad and dismayed you made this post, because I do agree that most people here are ungrateful and have short memories and that I do work too much. I work too much when I'm upset or sad, because for a long time I believed that I only had value in my being a doctor. It's why people make me so mad, it's because it makes me feel like I have no value.

I am trying to work less now, but now I'm stuck because I've done it for so long and it's a habit and people depend on me.

I wish people would stick up for me. I like it when people do. It makes me feel like I'm liked and matter. I really, really, really dislike it when people dislike me, but less so now because I feel so loved.

I wish you had stuck up for me before, but I know why you didn't. Also, you're not a horrible human being or friend and I love you very much.

[emptyyourself]

The sex is really very good, which confuses me, as I've never been particularly stellar at it before. It's probably because I wasn't as interested in other women as I am in you. Also, I was thinking about Lily during those encounters, whereas I don't think about her at all when I'm with you.

I like not thinking about her. I also like being with you. I'm very happy when you spend time with me.

Part of the reason I tried to convince you to quit working in the infirmary was because I wanted you to be with me more, but I know it's selfish and feel very guilty about it.

I really do think you are being treated poorly, however, and people should defend you. And you should not have to be fighting this fight - but I think you're fighting it well. It has made me admire you and respect you in ways I didn't before.

[thegooddrjones]

I know that was part of the reason, but I would never quit to simply spend time with you. I like being a doctor too much for that. Most of the time anyway.

I'm glad you think so, but I'm tired of fighting. It makes me feel like it's not worth it and I spend all of my time fighting and not enough of it doing doctor things.

I'm happiest when I'm spending time with you studying healer things. But I've been removing dust covers of books so people don't know what I'm reading.

[emptyyourself]

I want you to be a witch badly. I don't want to tell you because you'll probably think it has something to do with my distaste for muggles, and that I somehow find you lacking.

It's simply because I think it would be easier for us, and you would enjoy it, and it makes you so happy to be a part of my world that I want you to feel included.

Also, I don't want to waste my deal on Sirius Black. I might as well ask for something. I really want you to tell me you want to be a witch so I can do it, because I will never ask you while sober.

[thegooddrjones]

I do really want to be a witch, and I have since I was a kid and read the books, but I'm worried it would cause you problems if your muggle wife suddenly turned out to be a witch.

Also, dementors really worry me, because I am generally a happy person and I think they're terrifying and I don't want you or me to to go Azkaban.

And I'm sorry I'm reading your messages, and I won't threaten to hit you anymore, I promise.

[emptyyourself]

I think Potter would keep me out of Azkaban now unless I did something incredibly stupid. It wouldn't cause problems. Those who know you well enough to know you're a Muggle (or to worry about your new lifestyle) also know about the Barge.

No one else matters.

I wish you hadn't read that message. I don't want to appear weak in your eyes.

[thegooddrjones]

I can't picture anything that would make you weak in my eyes, you know.

You wanting something excellent for me, doesn't make you weak.

[emptyyourself]

Tell me what you want and I'll do it.

Even though I know you don't like it when I say that. But it makes things easier for me if I know exactly what you want so I can either stop hoping for it, or make it happen.

I also don't know how to go about my life without someone giving me a sense of purpose or instruction, whether it's the Dark Lord, Dumbledore, T'Pol, the Admiral, Lily, or you.

Private.

[thegooddrjones]

Severus, I wish you would tell me what you want more often, what you're hoping for. It makes things a lot easier for me if I know that.

Also, it's okay to fight. I know you're never going to hurt me when we fight and I think you go out of your way to avoid it.

I find that very worrisome. What do you want in your life, other than me, I mean.

Private.

[emptyyourself]

I haven't given it much thought lately. I wanted a good life. I have that now. Not here, obviously - I hate it here. But at home, I have a very good life. I'm alive, I have a wife who loves me, I'm respected by my peers, and I have family and financial stability. I serve no one unless I so choose, and I likely never will again.

Those are the things I have always wanted and never thought I could have.

I want children. And a room where I can work in peace. There you are: I want to work. I enjoy working.

...

And a library. I really do want a library.

Private.

[thegooddrjones]

So have a library and a shop to sell potions. Make potions for me to use to heal people with.

Private.

[emptyyourself]

I like the idea, but I gave you a very heartfelt and honest response and you're treating it glibly. It makes me feel wrong-footed and awkward, because I'm not usually heartfelt and honest.

I also feel incredibly guilty that I just said that.

I'm sorry I said that.

Private.

[thegooddrjones]

I'm not treating it glibly, I'm really quite touched and sitting here with happy tears in my eyes but I'm not going on camera because I don't want to look stupid or insipid.

But that's one of the most wonderful things you've said to me.

And you don't need to feel guilty for things like that. You're allowed to feel angry with me if you think I'm not treating you fairly.

Private.

[emptyyourself]

I actively avoid being angry with you because I like our present situation. A lot. I have almost everything I want, and I'm terrified I'm going to lose all of it if I act like my father.

Anger makes me act more like him, and I'm afraid I'm already abusive to you.

Private.

[thegooddrjones]

Sev, that's not healthy. All that anger is going to come out some day and you'll resent me or something. I'd rather you say you angry when you are and deal with it rather than anything else.

You're not abusive to me. You'd cut off your arm or tongue before you were. When you bully me, I tell you not to do it and you don't.

Severus Snape, you're not your father, and I'm not your mother and we're never going to descend into that. I promise.

Re: Private.

[emptyyourself]

I don't believe you. But it was very nice to hear it, anyway.