You don't know me, you don't wear my chains.
Never once in my life, have I EVER met someone who can see right through me better than I can see through myself. My excuses are pointless to you, and you even realize my every intention. It's purely incredible, how someone can know you better than you even know yourself.
I guess when I left Pitman I left part of me behind there, I forgot who I was in a way. I forgot what I was like and who I was before I built up my walls. It feels so weird to have someone who can actually label how I feel, when I'm too silly to even try to label it and understand it; let alone embrace my emotions. I fucking run from them. It's ridiculous. You make me throw my plans out the window, and embrace being spontaneous, something I can rarely do I NEED CONTROL. With you I lose all control. I realized tonight the reason that I have a strict schedule and always make the plans for me and my friends is because I'm fucking terrified if they don't no one will call me and want to see me or hang out with me. So if I take control of the situation it leaves no room for rejection. I came to West Deptford and surrounded myself with all of these friends because in Pitman that's what I fucking longed for. I never understood why I wasn't good enough to have all of these friends like the popular kids. Know what that got me? A lot of fake fucking people who didn't give a shit about me, and I bit more off than I could chew because in reality I couldn't even handle the responsibility of being a good friend to all of those people. I crave acceptance as does everyone else deep down, and I fucking fear failure. I am human, there I said it. I am fucking human. I can't control everything. In fact, I can't control anything. I can perform an action but no matter what I do I cannot control the reaction.
And you know what I am done hanging on to people, fucking holding onto them for dear life because God forbid people move on or just don't like me. Guess what Meagan not everyone will like you. And not everyone will stick around.I need to grow the fuck up and stop freaking out everytime someone walks out on me. Because I actually have an amazing boy willing to sacrifice everything for my pathetic bithcy ass self. Who is an awesome boyfriend and would do anything for me, hell he is patient with my bullshit it's more than I could ever ask for. And here I am, fucking taking off in the other direction running for cover because I can't swallow the idea that someone actually gets me and wants me around, when I did nothing to deserve it. It's time for me to face the reality that maybe for once in my life I do deserve this, and I shouldn't sabatoge it just because I am scared to think that I might actually be needed in someone's life. It actually scares the crap out of me to feel needed, because no one has ever fucking needed me that much. Not Andrew, not Jon, not Lindsay, not my Mom, not Annie, not Jacqui, NO ONE I have ever counted on and loved has ever needed me like I needed them. EVER.
By the way, besides my ranting that I wouldn't even read because I don't really write for anyone but myself, if anyone knows anyone who wants a puppy we have three females left two black one brown. $150.00 they have their shots and stuff. Let me know.
I guess when I left Pitman I left part of me behind there, I forgot who I was in a way. I forgot what I was like and who I was before I built up my walls. It feels so weird to have someone who can actually label how I feel, when I'm too silly to even try to label it and understand it; let alone embrace my emotions. I fucking run from them. It's ridiculous. You make me throw my plans out the window, and embrace being spontaneous, something I can rarely do I NEED CONTROL. With you I lose all control. I realized tonight the reason that I have a strict schedule and always make the plans for me and my friends is because I'm fucking terrified if they don't no one will call me and want to see me or hang out with me. So if I take control of the situation it leaves no room for rejection. I came to West Deptford and surrounded myself with all of these friends because in Pitman that's what I fucking longed for. I never understood why I wasn't good enough to have all of these friends like the popular kids. Know what that got me? A lot of fake fucking people who didn't give a shit about me, and I bit more off than I could chew because in reality I couldn't even handle the responsibility of being a good friend to all of those people. I crave acceptance as does everyone else deep down, and I fucking fear failure. I am human, there I said it. I am fucking human. I can't control everything. In fact, I can't control anything. I can perform an action but no matter what I do I cannot control the reaction.
And you know what I am done hanging on to people, fucking holding onto them for dear life because God forbid people move on or just don't like me. Guess what Meagan not everyone will like you. And not everyone will stick around.I need to grow the fuck up and stop freaking out everytime someone walks out on me. Because I actually have an amazing boy willing to sacrifice everything for my pathetic bithcy ass self. Who is an awesome boyfriend and would do anything for me, hell he is patient with my bullshit it's more than I could ever ask for. And here I am, fucking taking off in the other direction running for cover because I can't swallow the idea that someone actually gets me and wants me around, when I did nothing to deserve it. It's time for me to face the reality that maybe for once in my life I do deserve this, and I shouldn't sabatoge it just because I am scared to think that I might actually be needed in someone's life. It actually scares the crap out of me to feel needed, because no one has ever fucking needed me that much. Not Andrew, not Jon, not Lindsay, not my Mom, not Annie, not Jacqui, NO ONE I have ever counted on and loved has ever needed me like I needed them. EVER.
By the way, besides my ranting that I wouldn't even read because I don't really write for anyone but myself, if anyone knows anyone who wants a puppy we have three females left two black one brown. $150.00 they have their shots and stuff. Let me know.