Delirium
Currently afraid of:
Familiar ground
Hypocrisy of principle
Repeated hang-ups
Currently grateful for:
Everyone who can say it better than I can
White lies
Everyday pleasantries
Currently pissed off about:
Being emotional and unemotional at all the wrong times
The prerogative to change one's mind
Random thoughts:
You lie awake at night
With blue eyes that never cry
All you remember now is what you feel...
The 90s was a great decade, wasn't it?
Every time I think about it I seem to recall a new, hidden memory of times almost forgotten. Good times, hard times, they're all welcome, because it's not the circumstances or locations that make the memory worthwhile, it's the people. Yeah, it's true, I may not be in touch with all of them anymore, and yeah, it's true, some of them I can only hope and pray that they're even still alive. But you know what? In the tiny microcosm of my own personal psyche, they'll forever exist in those little memories that perk up when I pull out the mental 90s scrapbook.
And if we feel the silence
Holding this all inside us
Everything means more now than words could explain...
It's hard to accept that the past has passed, and it'll never come back. It's not as easy sometimes to simply move on with life as if that's the most natural approach to dealing with the future. Whether or not we're ready for it, life changes on us and pushes headfirst into a destiny against our will. And what if you're caught off guard and completely unprepared? Everything's gone and changed while you've stayed the same. Your reality doesn't exist anymore, it's now someone else's, someone who you haven't learned to become yet. And try as you might to possess that reality, it never feels quite right. And what can you do? Life just drags you along like the proverbial mother holding the hand of her child, your head turned back and staring in mourning.
And if we feel the silence
Leaving this all behind us
Looking for something more to say...
Then there's the issue of unfinished business. The only thing worse than leaving behind a reality that you weren't ready to part with is leaving behind a reality with unfinished business. And even if that reality doesn't exist anymore, it still leaves lasting consequences in the following realities. Your reality has changed, and accordingly, you've lost the chance to deal with those issues. They still exist, though, and hang in stasis, forever mired in a state of purgatory. You know that awkward feeling, that uncomfortable silence people sometimes get when they meet people again that they haven't seen after years and years, or when they go back to some strongly evocative place? Yeah... that's exactly what that is.
When you're fighting the current
You forget how to live
And I wanted to reach you but I don't know where to begin...
Yeah, you've probably guessed it by now, this has something somehow to do with specific people. Doesn't unfinished business always involve important people in your life? And I don't want to get into it because I have a hard enough time letting those thoughts run free inside my own head, much less in type, but you get the general idea. And I can guarantee that if I myself am reading this in 10 or 20 years, I'll still know exactly what I was thinking about when I rambled this entire entry out. Why? Like I said, that reality has dissipated into nothingness. It will never be ever again. Everything that I wish I could have done, everything I wish I could have said... can't ever be said or done again. All I can do is look back fondly and think "If only..."
It's curious though. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I confronted all of these things in several decades. What kind of dialogue would there be after all these years of strained silence?
And if we feel the silence
Leaving this all behind us
When it's gone... what will you say?
Currently Listening: Goo Goo Dolls