With his wings charred and the pieces of his heart lying in ruins on the floor...
Hmm so where to start? I always wonder what you guys, if any of you actually do, read this LJ for. Like, is it the every day things, wondering what I've been up to, how I've been, if I've done anything exciting, like gone to shows lately? Or is it the drama-filled, depressing entries that show my weaknesses yet possibly still provide interesting material to read? I guess I'll never know. That brings me to a dilemma however. Do I post about my past few days and what's been happening, the fun things I've partaken in and events that will be remembered. Or do I delve into my mind, which I've been doing on a more than frequent basis and try venting some of the thoughts that weigh heavy on my mind. Normally I'd go for the former, but tonight I decided to take the latter option. It's my LiveJournal; I do what I want. I will share some information on past events, if anything to set up my thought processes. Yesterday I dyed my hair blue, at least the streaks that I had red before. A picture, for your viewing pleasure [or displeasure, for that matter:]
Decided to rock the blue tie and black button down to match today. Anyway, my hair's been a numnber of colors in the past few weeks. Red...purple...maroonish?...grey...and now blue. This constant changing of hair color is by no means a manifestion of my internal dissatisfaction with the state of being my mind is in and has been in for these past couple weeks. Moments like these make me aware of the limitations of text. Of the little things, the subtlties of voice that make a difference. If somehow there was a button that could make the text convey sarcasm, I'd be clicking it right now. But I digress. Got some good compliments on the blue, and I'm pretty happy with it myself. Comments? Oh, and don't get me wrong. I'm headed in a direction I want to be headed. I'm regaining that, whatever it is, which makes me, me. But at this current state in time, I'm still recovering, and thus am prone to the dissatisfaction with who I am, not who I shall be.
I've been having a numnber of strange dreams the past few nights. I've been sleeping well too. Now, don't get me wrong. Well does not equate to a lot. I've been sleeping the same, some nights more, some nights less. But it's the quality that has risen. However, my nights are often interrupted by one thing or another, often causing me to wake up and say "What the fuck was that dream about?" Amusing/interestingly enough, two nights ago I received the horoscope: "Your dreams are trying to tell you something. And it's more important than you know." Hell, screw importance. I don't even know the message or topic. Maybe time will reveal more information.
Life is moving at an incredibly slow pace, it seems. Or perhaps, it's that my mind is racing at a thousand thoughts per second. I feel like it's at maximum processing power, and my senses are constantly dumping in ridiculous amounts of information. That's what is making things seem slower. My senses are noting every minute detail, every little thing: actions, words, tones, sounds, colors, vibes. Analyzing, overanalyzing, comparing, storing, trying to make sense of things whose only sense is their pure existence. Some things just are, and we have to accept them for that. Trying to find a message where there is none, like trying to find the map of the human genome amongst the stars. It's simply not there. Stop looking, and start enjoying. But I can't. Not at the moment it seems. I miss days I used to walk around campus, watching everyone going about their lives. I could almost see the strands that bind us all to humanity and reality. Invisble threads that connect us without us even realizing it, but deep down, our very souls are very aware. Too many people ignore it, however. Modern commodities have buried, though not broken, the ties that bind us. We need to slow down, I need to slow my thoughts, and we need to simply observe and cherish the miracles that happen every day. I just had a weekend but I need another. I need something to focus my thoughts on a void. As oxymoronic as that sounds, focus on something, even if it's absent-mindedly, will help me to clear my mind of these thoughts which burst from my mind so quickly, expanding so rapidly like gases from a subliming solid.
Now I'm bringing out the chemistry references...you know I've lost it. I think I should try and get some sleep soon. Gotta wake up in four hours for classes. Two more classes and then the weekend. I'm hoping it doesn't snow because I need dodgeball. And if Baltimore County gets cancelled, so does dodgeball. But I leave you with two things...new LJ icon, if you didn't notice. What do you think? I guess my thoughts and desires to return to the person I once was has caused me to examine some of my personality aspects. Again, comments? And second, I got a little bored. Okay, perhaps boredom's not the word. But I needed to vent, and yet try and occupy my mind at the same time [as if this ridiculously long post wasn't venting enough]. So I said some things that were on my mind, but decided to encode it. If you can crack the code, good for you. Drop a comment saying you did, or if you'd like to talk about, you're welcome to IM me. If you don't want to crack the code/can't, don't worry about it. It was meant for me to write to get out of my system.
IBIOGTSNTULYLHAMRTLMAOKYYYDENSNHHOEECEIEAUSAEEFARSTCOYERDTRHFEIT
If you read this entire post, I commend you. It's quite a lot to read, and probably isn't worth your time. But it felt good for me to write, especially since I was due for an update. If you didn't read it all, I won't hold it against you. But comments regardless are nice =)
Decided to rock the blue tie and black button down to match today. Anyway, my hair's been a numnber of colors in the past few weeks. Red...purple...maroonish?...grey...and now blue. This constant changing of hair color is by no means a manifestion of my internal dissatisfaction with the state of being my mind is in and has been in for these past couple weeks. Moments like these make me aware of the limitations of text. Of the little things, the subtlties of voice that make a difference. If somehow there was a button that could make the text convey sarcasm, I'd be clicking it right now. But I digress. Got some good compliments on the blue, and I'm pretty happy with it myself. Comments? Oh, and don't get me wrong. I'm headed in a direction I want to be headed. I'm regaining that, whatever it is, which makes me, me. But at this current state in time, I'm still recovering, and thus am prone to the dissatisfaction with who I am, not who I shall be.
I've been having a numnber of strange dreams the past few nights. I've been sleeping well too. Now, don't get me wrong. Well does not equate to a lot. I've been sleeping the same, some nights more, some nights less. But it's the quality that has risen. However, my nights are often interrupted by one thing or another, often causing me to wake up and say "What the fuck was that dream about?" Amusing/interestingly enough, two nights ago I received the horoscope: "Your dreams are trying to tell you something. And it's more important than you know." Hell, screw importance. I don't even know the message or topic. Maybe time will reveal more information.
Life is moving at an incredibly slow pace, it seems. Or perhaps, it's that my mind is racing at a thousand thoughts per second. I feel like it's at maximum processing power, and my senses are constantly dumping in ridiculous amounts of information. That's what is making things seem slower. My senses are noting every minute detail, every little thing: actions, words, tones, sounds, colors, vibes. Analyzing, overanalyzing, comparing, storing, trying to make sense of things whose only sense is their pure existence. Some things just are, and we have to accept them for that. Trying to find a message where there is none, like trying to find the map of the human genome amongst the stars. It's simply not there. Stop looking, and start enjoying. But I can't. Not at the moment it seems. I miss days I used to walk around campus, watching everyone going about their lives. I could almost see the strands that bind us all to humanity and reality. Invisble threads that connect us without us even realizing it, but deep down, our very souls are very aware. Too many people ignore it, however. Modern commodities have buried, though not broken, the ties that bind us. We need to slow down, I need to slow my thoughts, and we need to simply observe and cherish the miracles that happen every day. I just had a weekend but I need another. I need something to focus my thoughts on a void. As oxymoronic as that sounds, focus on something, even if it's absent-mindedly, will help me to clear my mind of these thoughts which burst from my mind so quickly, expanding so rapidly like gases from a subliming solid.
Now I'm bringing out the chemistry references...you know I've lost it. I think I should try and get some sleep soon. Gotta wake up in four hours for classes. Two more classes and then the weekend. I'm hoping it doesn't snow because I need dodgeball. And if Baltimore County gets cancelled, so does dodgeball. But I leave you with two things...new LJ icon, if you didn't notice. What do you think? I guess my thoughts and desires to return to the person I once was has caused me to examine some of my personality aspects. Again, comments? And second, I got a little bored. Okay, perhaps boredom's not the word. But I needed to vent, and yet try and occupy my mind at the same time [as if this ridiculously long post wasn't venting enough]. So I said some things that were on my mind, but decided to encode it. If you can crack the code, good for you. Drop a comment saying you did, or if you'd like to talk about, you're welcome to IM me. If you don't want to crack the code/can't, don't worry about it. It was meant for me to write to get out of my system.
IBIOGTSNTULYLHAMRTLMAOKYYYDENSNHHOEECEIEAUSAEEFARSTCOYERDTRHFEIT
If you read this entire post, I commend you. It's quite a lot to read, and probably isn't worth your time. But it felt good for me to write, especially since I was due for an update. If you didn't read it all, I won't hold it against you. But comments regardless are nice =)