i am i feel

[candlejack]

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[neverbreaks]

( Isn't that the problem they all have, short of monsters and devils? ) That's a bit grim.

[howhuman]

Are you talking to the billboards again?

[neverbreaks]

Only the polite ones. ( There's a bit of a smile in her voice - she hardly needs to look away from the board to know who it is. She hardly needs to hear her voice, even, but she's relieved she can. Not looking, Jules holds her hand out to Em, hopes she takes it. )

[howhuman]

[ Em smiles a little and she does take her hand, walking closer to her until she's close enough to wrap her arm around hers, kissing her shoulder. ]

The twins are asleep in the van. [ And said Volkswagen is parked nearby. ]

[neverbreaks]

Good. ( That's nice. Nice and peaceful, hopefully.

Jules rubs her forehead, turning her head to look at Em and give her a tired looking smile. A bit tentative, maybe. It's difficult, trying to work out where they stand, now, what had changed. A bit nervously, she bites the inside of her mouth again. )

And you, Em? What are you up to, just at the present moment?

[howhuman]

[ Tiredness is only natural, something they are both very used to, but Em doesn't like to see it in Julia's face. ]

I'm just trying to get a certain Julia Louise to come eat. [ A squeeze at her hand. ] Mmm?

[neverbreaks]

Ahh. Should I be jealous?

( Just a joke, one of her attempts to keep things light, but she wants to snatch the words back as soon as they fall off her tongue because of any manner of poor ways they could be taken, uncomfortable ways they could twist.

Lips pressed together, she just nods silently, turning towards Em with her head bowed. )

[howhuman]

[ That doesn't seem to affect Em, though it hurts just a little bit. She doesn't blame Jules, not really, but sometimes it hurts a bit. Still, she just smiles and tugs her towards the van, quietly so not to disturb the twins. ]

Hey. We still have some wine, if you want some?

[neverbreaks]

I might play it safe. ( She smiles a little, but it's that old mask, the one that says everything is fine and comfortable when it isn't. There aren't so many experts writing books on hybrid pregnancy and the effects of alcohol, she's found. )

Do you-- ( ah. ) I could make us some tea? You can still have wine, naturally.

[howhuman]

[ She looks at her for a moment before shaking her head. ]

No, you're right. [ A sigh. ] Keep an eye on the twins while I boil some water and heat up some leftovers.

[ Em brings her hand up to her lips, leaving a kiss on her knuckles, moving then to the tiny kitchen part of the van. ]

[neverbreaks]

Of course. Don't worry, they won't get past me. ( Another smile, breath catching painfully in her chest. She feels like a traitor. Maybe she shouldn't, maybe some part of her is self-righteous and would flare up angrily, but a big part of her feels like a traitor.

While Em's busy, she sits with the twins, just quietly murmuring little nothing-stories to them, thumb gently stroking over Matt's hair. They were so big, now. It was crazy to think about, really. Her face tenses a bit, muscles in her jaw clenching, but she swallows down the bitter taste in her mouth. It's a bit much to smile, just now. She's pretty sure sleeping twins won't mind. )

[howhuman]

[ While Jules watches over the sleeping twins, Em heats up some leftovers kept in the mini fridge inside the van, boiling some water. Parked in a valley, protect by trees and mountains, it's somewhat safe to relax a little. Let her guard down.

It also helps Julia is there to protect them.

While the food and water heat up, Em comes to sit by the portable crib the twins are sleeping in, sitting next to Julia. She smiles at the peaceful sight, crossing her arms over the crib and watching them sleep. If it weren't for their different pyjamas, they could hardly be distinguished. ]

They really missed you, you know?

[neverbreaks]

( She really wants to turn and look at Em, but that guilt is still gnawing away at her gut. Her gaze might flicker in Em's direction, but she remains facing the twins, like they're some kind of lifeline that can keep her afloat and not go under in the press of conflicting emotions.

That, and they make it just that little bit easier to slap on a smile once Em walks into the room. Something about needing to be positive, because it kept her out of trouble - she'd stopped being positive, in the months of separation, and look what she'd let herself slip into.

Still, that catches her a bit by surprise. ) They did?

( There's a bit of a strain on her smile, stress dragging at it. ) I didn't think they'd remember.

( Or, she didn't think Em would give them any reason to remember her? She doesn't know what she thought. )

[howhuman]

[ Em doesn't blame her. Not really, at least. She can't imagine how hurt Julia had been when those idiots had told her Em didn't want her around the twins because she was a hybrid. She couldn't imagine what must have felt like, especially after Em had said that she loved her, no matter what. It isn't to say she was not hurt by Julia's confession, her admission to sleeping with someone else (Em didn't want names, didn't want to know much about it), but it had been months after. She couldn't bring herself to blame her. ]

Of course. [ Em made sure they remembered her. The locket around her neck held two photos on each side, both of her and Julia. She made sure they always said goodnight to mommy Julia. She wanted them to remember her. ] They love you.

[ And so does Em, left hand over Julia's, still wearing the ring, never having taken it off. ]

[neverbreaks]

( Her eyes close at that, the uncomfortable tension that binds her chest and pulls tight, a mass of anxiety and stress. Turning her hand over, she twines her fingers through Em's, holds her hand tight, while her other hand presses over one of her eyes, as if she could rub away that prickly feeling that felt like she was about to cry.

Her own hand, it has its ring back, but only after months of being worn on a chain, because it was a reminder of an apparent betrayal too painful to be reminded of every time she caught sight of her hand. ) I love them, too.

( And Em. She loved Em, but she's almost afraid of saying it, now. )

[howhuman]

[ Quiet as she observes Julia, Em frowns slightly at the strain apparent in her face. She wants to say it, "It's not your fault", but the words don't come out. Instead, she leans her forehead to her temple, silent, rubbing her thumb over those knuckles. ]

Hmm. [ A sound of agreement, fully aware of the love Julia has for the twins, not doubting of the same feeling she has towards her. Sometimes, it's a bit scary, the notion that Jules is a hybrid, the notion she is so much stronger than her and the violence she could easily give into. But she doesn't fear her. She knows she would not hurt her.

A bit unsure, she presses her lips to her cheek, lingering the kiss there, before she slowly pulls away to go check on the things on the tiny stove. Tea would help, surely. Food, too.

Food. She glances at Julia, not saying a word. She wonders when she will need to feed the monster part. She can't even imagine what the process entails. She can't know. She has only been with the knowledge of her hybrid nature a bit before they got separated.