quiet, unyielding anger
so, here we are. five years since 9/11. I know it is overdone, and I know it is ridiculous, but I am having a surprisingly difficult time with this anniversary. I don't know if it is the people, or the buildings, or the change in the way we view the world, or if it is completely selfish and it is just because it takes me back to where I was when it happened - which is senior year in high school. perhaps it is a combination of all of them. I'd like to think that is the case, because otherwise I sound very self-centered. I think we (my graduating class) was just at such a crucial turning point. we were old enough understand what was going on, unlike my sister who doesn't really remember much about it, and to know that we were the ones who would be inheriting this scary new existence. that the "real world" were going to be thrown into was very different than it had been the day before. we knew that it would be our peers fighting this war on terror, that our friends would be the ones putting their lives on the line.
that was a very sobering thought.
it is very weird to remember exactly what would have been going on five years ago, today. I watched the synchronized replays of 9/11/2001's events on MSNBC and tried to recall what I had been thinking, what period I had been in at school. how my fellow students had reacted, how the teachers had tried to look calm when they really weren't. I know it is cliché, but we really didn't think that something like that could ever happen here, in America. in fact, it was so far from a possibility that we never even did think of it.
here are some excerpts from a journal entry I made while these unbelievable things were taking place:
"...there was a national disaster. Two planes crashed into the twin towers, one at 8:45, the other at 9:03. At 9:45, if I am not mistaken, another crashed into the Pentagon. A fourth, probably headed for DC or Philadelphia, crashed a few miles from Pittsburgh at around 10:10. Both of the twin towers collapsed, as in they are not there anymore. the death tolls will be unpredictable. 250 firefighters & 78 police people are missing presumed dead. 266 people were killed in the planes alone. That's over 500 people even before all the people in & around the buildings are added in."
"I was on my way to a senior meeting and I was walking by the office and saw a building on the TV that was smoking. I had no idea what it was. Then, during the meeting, the principle came over the loudspeakers and said [there] had been terrorist attacks in both DC and NY. Everyone was silent for a few seconds, then burst into spontaneous conversation in frightened voices. It was only when I got to my fourth period class, history, that I knew what exactly was going on. Mrs. McCormick had ABC News on and they were showing the twin tower(s) and she said 'you'll notice that there is now only one,' and I realized how awful this really was. A little while later, the news anchors were saying maybe [they] should get the firefighters & police out, there the remaining tower didn't appear structurally sound, and a few seconds later it began to fall. The news guy was almost silent, only muttering 'Oh God.' He then said, his voice cracking, that there were really no words to describe what was happening."
I make a reference to the papers blowing around in the street, and say something along the lines of what my mum said last night while we were watching a special about 9/11 on TV: that some people had probably thought those papers were the most important things in the world the day before. now those same people, if they were still alive, knew what really mattered.
and that is what it really meant to me; that at any time, on any day, your entire world could change. so we shouldn't be afraid, and we shouldn't get preoccupied with things that don't really matter in the long run. because tomorrow you, or your loved ones, could be dead, and all the money and cars and beach houses and clients in the world will not be able to change that. somehow, I do not find this depressing, I find this reassuring. I guess that is because even though I do not know where my life is headed, I am pretty sure where I stand with the things that are important. that is really all that matters.
that was a very sobering thought.
it is very weird to remember exactly what would have been going on five years ago, today. I watched the synchronized replays of 9/11/2001's events on MSNBC and tried to recall what I had been thinking, what period I had been in at school. how my fellow students had reacted, how the teachers had tried to look calm when they really weren't. I know it is cliché, but we really didn't think that something like that could ever happen here, in America. in fact, it was so far from a possibility that we never even did think of it.
here are some excerpts from a journal entry I made while these unbelievable things were taking place:
"...there was a national disaster. Two planes crashed into the twin towers, one at 8:45, the other at 9:03. At 9:45, if I am not mistaken, another crashed into the Pentagon. A fourth, probably headed for DC or Philadelphia, crashed a few miles from Pittsburgh at around 10:10. Both of the twin towers collapsed, as in they are not there anymore. the death tolls will be unpredictable. 250 firefighters & 78 police people are missing presumed dead. 266 people were killed in the planes alone. That's over 500 people even before all the people in & around the buildings are added in."
"I was on my way to a senior meeting and I was walking by the office and saw a building on the TV that was smoking. I had no idea what it was. Then, during the meeting, the principle came over the loudspeakers and said [there] had been terrorist attacks in both DC and NY. Everyone was silent for a few seconds, then burst into spontaneous conversation in frightened voices. It was only when I got to my fourth period class, history, that I knew what exactly was going on. Mrs. McCormick had ABC News on and they were showing the twin tower(s) and she said 'you'll notice that there is now only one,' and I realized how awful this really was. A little while later, the news anchors were saying maybe [they] should get the firefighters & police out, there the remaining tower didn't appear structurally sound, and a few seconds later it began to fall. The news guy was almost silent, only muttering 'Oh God.' He then said, his voice cracking, that there were really no words to describe what was happening."
I make a reference to the papers blowing around in the street, and say something along the lines of what my mum said last night while we were watching a special about 9/11 on TV: that some people had probably thought those papers were the most important things in the world the day before. now those same people, if they were still alive, knew what really mattered.
and that is what it really meant to me; that at any time, on any day, your entire world could change. so we shouldn't be afraid, and we shouldn't get preoccupied with things that don't really matter in the long run. because tomorrow you, or your loved ones, could be dead, and all the money and cars and beach houses and clients in the world will not be able to change that. somehow, I do not find this depressing, I find this reassuring. I guess that is because even though I do not know where my life is headed, I am pretty sure where I stand with the things that are important. that is really all that matters.