(no subject)
Took the time to have an impromptu talk with Javi last night. Casually brought up a conversation with Brandon where we discussed the fact that we haven't said "I love you" yet, and that I had told him "I don't think we will". He was clear in saying that it wasn't that it would never happen, and that it was something he had thought about. I told him about how many times I had wanted to say it in the moment, but after the moment had passed I was immensely glad that I hadn't, as it would've been awkward or inappropriate in hindsight. He AGREED! He revealed to me that he had experienced similar situations with me. What I was able to take from this was a sense of relief, of comfort, that he DOES feel strongly for me, that he might even feel as strongly as I do, and I'm relieved to know that essentially we are on the same page.
We had a talk where I made an analogy about our love languages, saying that his physical affection is potatoes whereas my words of affection are vegetables, and that I love that he "cooks" for me, but I really need him to float me a veggie every now and then. What he expressed to me is that that sort of thing genuinely makes him uncomfortable! I witnessed this firsthand earlier in the day when he was trying to console me about what I had experienced in my previous relationship by telling me that I was cool, and that the last guy didn't know what he had. The delivery of the whole thing was so awkward that it almost sounded insincere, but has since been made clear that he was simply uncomfortable.
The past few days I had been experiencing fatigue due to my redoubling my efforts to stay keto (I avoided cheating on a dessert training day!), and this resulted in me overdosing myself on the potassium in the lite salt I've been using. I had chest pain, nausea, leg cramps, and my breathing was slightly shallow, and my fatigue worsened. All of this put me into a panic, and it was all I could do to will myself to fall asleep, that if I was going to pass to just let it happen. I had made Javi aware that I was feeling off and that I was afraid, and his response of kindness and acceptance brought me to tears. I cried because I was so grateful to be with someone who wasn't calling me crazy, wasn't claiming there was always something wrong with me, but was more concerned with consoling me and snuggling me.
That morning the leg cramp I had was so awful, I felt it in my dream before it woke me up. Two hours before our alarm was set to go off, and I was awake with no chance of going back to sleep. I immediately chugged what would be the last bit of salty water for a few days, and felt worse. Nausea set back in, and I was sure I would be sick, and panic soon followed. I whimpered and shuddered in my tears, prompting Javi to wake and pull me in close and tight. I would continue to doze and wake, crying each time out of fear for my condition and gratitude for the man next to me. The feeling would eventually abate, hours later, only to come back in waves, and I would flush my system with pure water. We then spent a few hours at my place as he helped me make the room ready for Greg to move in. I later expressed to him how grateful I was to him for being so wonderful with me, for giving me what I need without seeming to know precisely what that was, and for spending his time helping me accomplish my tasks. He responded that this is what a healthy relationship should be like, and although it wasn't an intentional jab at me, I felt ashamed for accepting less in my previous relationships.
That evening after the "potato/veggie" talk, we were talking about how we express ourselves in our relationship, and I explained to him that I appreciate the "slow burn" that we are, that I enjoy it, but that I'm still struggling to adjust to it, but also that I am trying. What followed was one of those long cuddles with him inside me, spooning me, sliding back and forth as he held me close and sprinkled me with kisses everywhere he could reach. He squeezed me tight and whispered in my ear, "This means something, ok?", and there was almost a desperation in his voice. We turned to face each other and he continued to move inside me as we held each other's gaze. We talked, we kissed, we stroked each other's face. Nothing, nor any previous instance of this practice, had ever felt so intimate, and after all was said and done, I felt closer than I had before, reassured and rejuvenated.
(I have TERRIBLE period brain as I write this, so the tone may seem blunt, but it is simply due to my stifled communications)