More Zach Thoughts
I think about Zach and the situation every day. I have been talking to my therapist about it too. That helps quite a bit. I was REALLY angry with Beth for a while. I still am sort of - but I am trying to accept that she is just a royal mess. She was in jail yesterday - maybe today still too. She beat up her girlfriend and choked her girlfriend's daughter till she passed out. I feel bad for all of them. I'm sure that the situation with Zach adds to that. I don't think it gives her an excuse to deal with it poorly. She really needs to get her act together. Of course I worry about how this will affect Zach and how it will affect the case.
The more time that goes by - and the more I reflect - the more I think that she's known for a long time that Zach was my child and not Ryan's. The one statement she made before we did the paternity test - when I said well all we can do is wait - right now its 50/50 . . .and she says "more like 80/20 - a mom just knows."
Regardless of any of that what is in the past is in the past. Which leads me to wanting to make up for it and spend time with my kid. I did see him 9 times - and the visits were excellent. I think about not knowing my biological father. He died when I was 7 months old. I would have loved to have asked him questions and know about him. . . have seen his eyes with my eyes. I really hope that I get to see him before he is 18. That is a long time to lay in wait.
Which leads me to Ryan. I can understand and empathize that he is scared and he is probably hurt - and wants to hurt me back - instead of working on that with Beth. It *really* disturbs me that he can't communicate with me at all. Not a single word to me. His lawyer wouldn't even return phone calls from my lawyer. To me he looks like a coward. Like he is not mature enough to deal with this type of situation. From what Beth told me (untrustworthy narrator?") Ryan is very controlling - and even though I don't trust Beth - I have a pretty strong feeling that this is absolutely true. The one thing his lawyer told mine the day before the Summary Disposition was that he didn't want me involved in Zach's life one bit. Even though he told Zach that I was his father??!?!? That he wanted to be the only father that Zach knows. I just want a chance to love Zach. I do love him - but I can *give* him lots of love too.
One thing I feel more and more each day is that I have done everything that I could up till this point to deal with this situation the best that I can. I felt a lot of guilt for a while. I felt like, "What did I do to deserve this?" Many people have reminded me that sometimes bad things happen to good people.
One thing that is important to me - is that Zach met me. Saw me 9 times. Called me dad. He started building a relationship with me. I don't want him to feel a sense of abandonment. I want him to know that I care about him and think about him and fight for him constantly. I am afraid that if and when I do get to see him that he might not believe me. I *do* know that things tend to self-correct - and that even if he does not believe me at first - that it will become apparent in time. . . provided he gives me that opportunity. I know that the pull from Father/Son is strong (Luke/Anakin?) and that I should be provided the chance - but I am scared like any human being would be.
The more time that goes by - and the more I reflect - the more I think that she's known for a long time that Zach was my child and not Ryan's. The one statement she made before we did the paternity test - when I said well all we can do is wait - right now its 50/50 . . .and she says "more like 80/20 - a mom just knows."
Regardless of any of that what is in the past is in the past. Which leads me to wanting to make up for it and spend time with my kid. I did see him 9 times - and the visits were excellent. I think about not knowing my biological father. He died when I was 7 months old. I would have loved to have asked him questions and know about him. . . have seen his eyes with my eyes. I really hope that I get to see him before he is 18. That is a long time to lay in wait.
Which leads me to Ryan. I can understand and empathize that he is scared and he is probably hurt - and wants to hurt me back - instead of working on that with Beth. It *really* disturbs me that he can't communicate with me at all. Not a single word to me. His lawyer wouldn't even return phone calls from my lawyer. To me he looks like a coward. Like he is not mature enough to deal with this type of situation. From what Beth told me (untrustworthy narrator?") Ryan is very controlling - and even though I don't trust Beth - I have a pretty strong feeling that this is absolutely true. The one thing his lawyer told mine the day before the Summary Disposition was that he didn't want me involved in Zach's life one bit. Even though he told Zach that I was his father??!?!? That he wanted to be the only father that Zach knows. I just want a chance to love Zach. I do love him - but I can *give* him lots of love too.
One thing I feel more and more each day is that I have done everything that I could up till this point to deal with this situation the best that I can. I felt a lot of guilt for a while. I felt like, "What did I do to deserve this?" Many people have reminded me that sometimes bad things happen to good people.
One thing that is important to me - is that Zach met me. Saw me 9 times. Called me dad. He started building a relationship with me. I don't want him to feel a sense of abandonment. I want him to know that I care about him and think about him and fight for him constantly. I am afraid that if and when I do get to see him that he might not believe me. I *do* know that things tend to self-correct - and that even if he does not believe me at first - that it will become apparent in time. . . provided he gives me that opportunity. I know that the pull from Father/Son is strong (Luke/Anakin?) and that I should be provided the chance - but I am scared like any human being would be.