the day the music died....
life is so unfair someimes i feel like my whole world has fallen apart i dont know how to do things anymore... everything seems different mostly bc it cant be the same anymore... i havent been able to find the words to say what is going on with me everytime i open my journal the tears start and i cant finish
my heart is now unmendable if that is a word... i feel like my life is over... the tears are streaming down my cheeks as a type these words... i have had a chunk of me ripped out and it will never be the same...
bruce told me he didnt want to see me anymore on wednesday of last week that was the day my heart broke and i dont know how to fix it. im angry at myself for letting this happend to me bc i told myself that no guy would ever be able to hurt me like this but it turns out i did one thing very foolish i believed him when he said i love you... i think that that was my fatal mistake... i thought that maybe he cared for me and maybe he really did love me and maybe just maybe he wouldnt hurt me and make me feel all this pain. so it turns out that he isnt special he is just like every other guy out there he ripped my heart out and doesnt even care. i cry no i sob myself to sleep every night bc i dont know how to live without him in my life...
its kinda funny i feel like everything is tainted right now. everything has a memory attached to it. damn him for getting into everypart of my life... i cant watch my favorite shows on tv bc at one time or another i can remember him and i watching that show together... i cant go to the movies or rent one bc most of them we went to see together... its just like i dont know how to live or sleep or eat or breathe anymore bc now i have to do it all on my own... its funny bc we havent been able to spend all that much time together lately but evn thought i wouldnt be seeing him or talking to him it hurts to know that i cant anymore. i was miserably sick this weekend and all i thought was i want bruce to come over and sit with me bc that always made me feel better. but i cant call him anymore for those kinda things.
i dont know if we will get back together bc i am very unsure of everything and how it all went down but i know that i still love him a lot to the point that it hurts especially right now. i know that if he told me he changed his mind i would take him back i really think that we could work on things and make them better. i was supposed to go over his house today and get all my stuff and we were gonna talk about well everything but he had to cancel and i just dont want to prolong this anymore... i need to find out what happend i need to know how you just stop loving someone one day... i need to know how you can become so cold to someone who you claimed to care for at one point of time. i dont know if we are done for good and things cant be mended or we cant work our way through this i dont knwo if there is someone else or he really just doesnt love me anymore but i know everyhing hurt i feel this ache in me all the time... its in my chest prolly where my heart used to be its in my head where all the happy memories are supposed to be floating.
i just thing it would all be so much easier if we had fought and i was pissed as hell at him if he would have cheated and then i could have called him a bastard and walked away but it wasnt like that at all just walked up to me and told me it was over and walked away and that just leaves sooo many questions in my head that i cant even begin to figure them out. i am supposed to go and talk to him on wednesday after i get out of work i just hope that he doesnt keep avoiding me bc if this is over i need some closure so i can maybe someday move on with my life... bc right now i am so broken i cant comprehend how to pick up the pieces...
everybody tells me that they want me to go out with them so i can meet new people but i do know how to meet someone else. i cant imagine letting someone else hold my hand or put their arm around me it just doesnt seem possible that i will ever feel this way again. i think that mondays will be the hardest bc those were the days that we spent togetehr. every monday we got to hang out and see each other and tonight i have no one my numb lack of heart realizes there is now no one... i am empty and maybe i will always be...
my heart is now unmendable if that is a word... i feel like my life is over... the tears are streaming down my cheeks as a type these words... i have had a chunk of me ripped out and it will never be the same...
bruce told me he didnt want to see me anymore on wednesday of last week that was the day my heart broke and i dont know how to fix it. im angry at myself for letting this happend to me bc i told myself that no guy would ever be able to hurt me like this but it turns out i did one thing very foolish i believed him when he said i love you... i think that that was my fatal mistake... i thought that maybe he cared for me and maybe he really did love me and maybe just maybe he wouldnt hurt me and make me feel all this pain. so it turns out that he isnt special he is just like every other guy out there he ripped my heart out and doesnt even care. i cry no i sob myself to sleep every night bc i dont know how to live without him in my life...
its kinda funny i feel like everything is tainted right now. everything has a memory attached to it. damn him for getting into everypart of my life... i cant watch my favorite shows on tv bc at one time or another i can remember him and i watching that show together... i cant go to the movies or rent one bc most of them we went to see together... its just like i dont know how to live or sleep or eat or breathe anymore bc now i have to do it all on my own... its funny bc we havent been able to spend all that much time together lately but evn thought i wouldnt be seeing him or talking to him it hurts to know that i cant anymore. i was miserably sick this weekend and all i thought was i want bruce to come over and sit with me bc that always made me feel better. but i cant call him anymore for those kinda things.
i dont know if we will get back together bc i am very unsure of everything and how it all went down but i know that i still love him a lot to the point that it hurts especially right now. i know that if he told me he changed his mind i would take him back i really think that we could work on things and make them better. i was supposed to go over his house today and get all my stuff and we were gonna talk about well everything but he had to cancel and i just dont want to prolong this anymore... i need to find out what happend i need to know how you just stop loving someone one day... i need to know how you can become so cold to someone who you claimed to care for at one point of time. i dont know if we are done for good and things cant be mended or we cant work our way through this i dont knwo if there is someone else or he really just doesnt love me anymore but i know everyhing hurt i feel this ache in me all the time... its in my chest prolly where my heart used to be its in my head where all the happy memories are supposed to be floating.
i just thing it would all be so much easier if we had fought and i was pissed as hell at him if he would have cheated and then i could have called him a bastard and walked away but it wasnt like that at all just walked up to me and told me it was over and walked away and that just leaves sooo many questions in my head that i cant even begin to figure them out. i am supposed to go and talk to him on wednesday after i get out of work i just hope that he doesnt keep avoiding me bc if this is over i need some closure so i can maybe someday move on with my life... bc right now i am so broken i cant comprehend how to pick up the pieces...
everybody tells me that they want me to go out with them so i can meet new people but i do know how to meet someone else. i cant imagine letting someone else hold my hand or put their arm around me it just doesnt seem possible that i will ever feel this way again. i think that mondays will be the hardest bc those were the days that we spent togetehr. every monday we got to hang out and see each other and tonight i have no one my numb lack of heart realizes there is now no one... i am empty and maybe i will always be...