Stick of Confusedness
In which it is not a good idea to tell a confused Navarri about a threat to the Empire, then make them listen to the fall of Terunael for eight hours, without being able to run away.
Contains photographs [sfw].
So, I saw Allegra lying in the mud and lots of shouting, and I ran over to see what happened, but none of it makes much sense. Iulian's just had his past life vision, then Allegra tried to hit him, and now people are holding her down, so I grab her hand and ask her what's going on. Something about how if people find out what will happen in the vision it will be the end of the Way and the Empire and everyone's souls? The only way to stop this happening is to kill Iulian, and Allegra, and probably Livia by now and anyone else who might have heard of it. But Allegra is doing her usual thing of being very confusing and talking round in circles.
Time for the Thinking Stick.
So, what do I already know that might be useful? Um. Past life visions are of things that really happened and this proves the Way is true, or something. Um. Not much else. Who else knows useful things? Allegra and Iulian were the only ones who were in the vision, everyone else is like the mammoths which do not live in libraries. Iulian says Allegra is 'babbling'. Which of them do I trust to be right? Well, Allegra is good at hiding and not telling people things, and she likes going on boats which is silly. But Iulian is daft enough to live on top of a Spring regio with lots of unfriendly trees even though he is already a Briar. Both of them do the Urizen thing of making everything far too complicated and missing out on the really obvious things right in front of them. So neither of them, really. Is there anyone else with more sense than me who can sort this out? Synod, Civil Service? Allegra says no. Is there another way round this? Well, if Iulian won't stop talking 'cos Allegra told him to, me telling him isn't going to work, and all the ways I know of stopping someone talking without killing them aren't going to work in the middle of Anvil. So, um, this isn't good. I never wanted to be Isaella when I grew up, Myfanwy had a lot more fun.
So on one end of the stick there's the whole Empire, and the Way, and everybody's souls (that's the bramble-cutter, 'cos it's the heaviest thing I could find that tied on nicely), and on the other end, I have to kill everyone who might know anything, especially Allegra and Iulian and Livia. The Empire is definitely more important, so I will kill them. I wish I'd put my warpaint on earlier for that League mask tradition, but I know it's there behind my eyes now, keeping me focused on what's important. Fast, sure, be certain they are dead.
Allegra says 'I don't matter compared to the Empire', and I tell her 'Bollocks, you matter to me', but she has just told me she's a threat to the Empire, so I'm going to have to keep her calm and quiet until I kill her. I shift my grip and move round a bit for a better angle. I've only got a little pen-knife on me which is mostly for cutting flapjack, because I didn't want to get into trouble if I got into a fight with that Highguard briar who keeps sending me nasty letters. It's cold, I don't know what Urizen wear under their robes but I'm expecting a lot of layers, so through the ribcage might be tricky. Allegra's hands are tied, so going for the patch at the side of the neck where there's a lot of blood close to the surface should be easy, an inch in the right place there and she'll bleed out straight away. Then I can use Allegra's staff to go for the others. At least I'm a lot faster in the mud than anyone else, that'll help.
Thing is, there's the bit of me hiding away in the back of my head that questions how sure I am. Can't take any chances with protecting the Empire. But killing several people who are important to the Empire wouldn't be very useful either. The longer I wait, the more people I might need to kill to stop it spreading. Be sure, be fast, be certain they are dead.
I agree with going into the Hub, it will be much easier to kill them in a smaller space where they can't run away. Iulian tells us as much of what happened as Allegra will let him. The fall of a Terunael city. I have to listen carefully, in case this is the thing which will destroy our Empire. I try asking people questions, but Livia tells me 'Isca, this really isn't about you'. So I make sure I keep smiling and joking and reassuring Allegra. It would be easy to kill everyone in the Hub, with my penknife and string and matches. Lace up the exits, tell them I just want to keep the cold out. Climb the central pole, because everyone knows Isca likes climbing things, and someone even helpfully left a ladder leaning on the wall. Cut the central ropes, collapse the tent, light the fabric, make sure nobody gets out. That should work well, much more certain than trying to fight everyone myself. If I survive I can't explain, so I'll be executed. I never wanted to be Isaella, but it needs doing and I'm here and nobody else is so I have to get on with it.
There's the Dance of Navarr and Thorn going on at the regio now. It smells TOO LOUD of gooseberry jam, and I CAN'T THINK because all I want is to DO, and the mud under my feet is wriggling and people are just going on and on and on with their silly Urizen long words that don't make sense and I don't want to sit still and smile and chat calmly, I want to RUN and JUMP and SET EVERYTHING ON FIRE which is definitely the safest thing to do and will solve all the problems.
The bit of me that's watching from a long way away asks: are you thinking straight?
There's another reason I might not be thinking properly. That letter from the person calling themselves the Firestarter, the one telling me to be dedicated to Freedom and do crimes and find the Paragon of Chaos. What if that's messing up the way I'm thinking? Could the letter have done something that put an anointing of Anarchy on me or something? I don't know, that's a Guide thing. I'm sure the Firestarter would be very pleased if I burnt down the Hub and everyone in it, a lot of heroes of the Empire and Civil Servants and other useful people.
Am I sure I'm thinking straight? I need to be sure, otherwise it will slow me down.
Now my Thinking Stick is broken and everything is falling into the Bucket of Confusion.
I can leave a sliver of attention to rambling on about zebras to reassure Allegra.The warpaint is keeping me together while I listen to the Terunael city dying again and again and again, focusing on an unknown threat to this Empire, leaving aside the burning and screaming and dying for now. I know what to do when I find the threat. I make sure they are dead, immediately. But without being more certain what and when and who the enemy is, the bit of me that's watching from a long way away is scared that I can't do this, that I am going to make some horrible mistake, that I don't want this. Not that it matters.
Conclave happens, and more things happen, and none of them make sense, and I have to keep listening to Terunael burn, and trying to work out if I should kill them all yet, and I can't let anyone know anything's wrong in case I get tied up along with Allegra.
There is not just a bucket of confusedness, there is a whole river, with my Thinking Stick floating away in pieces.
Eventually something works. Allegra tells them 'Everything I have been saying this evening is a lie', and I don't know whether I even believe that, and what I would really like to do right now is punch in her face, but that wouldn't help, so I hide under the table and listen carefully but this version doesn't make much sense either, and all I hear is the end of Terunael over again.
Finally Allegra seems to have told them everything she can. Anvil is dark as I help her through the mud and out of camp.
I wander up to the Navarr camp looking for someone to talk to, but the fires are out and the tents are quiet. Back down the hill I find Iulian, tell him that he picked the worst possible Navarri to be the only one who has heard a vision of Terunael, and make him promise not to get killed before coming to Bronwen's Rest tomorrow morning and telling someone less useless about it.
I can't think of anything else that needs doing tonight. The birds are starting to wake up again, Anvil is dark and quiet, but my head is full of screaming and burning and the end of cities and Empires. I don't know whether I've almost done something Virtuous enough to be an Exemplar, put the Empire at risk, should be executed for what I did or didn't do, and none of it makes any sense at all. I'm still watching every flicker and testing every thought, just in case.
I try running up and down the hill just to slow myself down a bit, and end up flat on my face and punching the mud until my hands hurt.
Fuck this. I didn't come to Anvil to be a hero, all I was planning was delivering sandwiches for Eleri, talking to new people, getting drunk and singing very badly. This is all way over my head, and tomorrow I'll be in trouble for all the things I was supposed to be doing instead of sitting around being useless. I do not know how to solve these problems, except that if I get drunk enough, I will stop being so confused, which seems like a very good idea.
Dark. Navarr is dark. Brass Coast is dark. One light at the far end of the League, which turns out to be the Looking Glass tent, with Leonora, Beatrix with the skirt that doesn't fit in toilets, and a grumpy draughir I don't recognise. At least they have something to drink even if it is oddly glittery, and a dry-ish corner where I can sit, and it's better than being on my own with my thoughts.
Beatrix notices me twitch, and comes over to cover me with hugs and kindness, which is the worst possible thing anyone could do to me. Angry keeps me going, scared keeps me fast, warpaint keeps me together, but crying will get me killed from sitting around not paying attention. I can't tell her what's wrong because I don't know and I don't have the right words and she wouldn't understand anyway. Easier to stay focused, to ignore the bit that's watching from a long way away, to survive today and forget what there was once or what we will rebuild, because when I start crying I don't know how to stop.
Contains photographs [sfw].
So, I saw Allegra lying in the mud and lots of shouting, and I ran over to see what happened, but none of it makes much sense. Iulian's just had his past life vision, then Allegra tried to hit him, and now people are holding her down, so I grab her hand and ask her what's going on. Something about how if people find out what will happen in the vision it will be the end of the Way and the Empire and everyone's souls? The only way to stop this happening is to kill Iulian, and Allegra, and probably Livia by now and anyone else who might have heard of it. But Allegra is doing her usual thing of being very confusing and talking round in circles.
Time for the Thinking Stick.
So, what do I already know that might be useful? Um. Past life visions are of things that really happened and this proves the Way is true, or something. Um. Not much else. Who else knows useful things? Allegra and Iulian were the only ones who were in the vision, everyone else is like the mammoths which do not live in libraries. Iulian says Allegra is 'babbling'. Which of them do I trust to be right? Well, Allegra is good at hiding and not telling people things, and she likes going on boats which is silly. But Iulian is daft enough to live on top of a Spring regio with lots of unfriendly trees even though he is already a Briar. Both of them do the Urizen thing of making everything far too complicated and missing out on the really obvious things right in front of them. So neither of them, really. Is there anyone else with more sense than me who can sort this out? Synod, Civil Service? Allegra says no. Is there another way round this? Well, if Iulian won't stop talking 'cos Allegra told him to, me telling him isn't going to work, and all the ways I know of stopping someone talking without killing them aren't going to work in the middle of Anvil. So, um, this isn't good. I never wanted to be Isaella when I grew up, Myfanwy had a lot more fun.
So on one end of the stick there's the whole Empire, and the Way, and everybody's souls (that's the bramble-cutter, 'cos it's the heaviest thing I could find that tied on nicely), and on the other end, I have to kill everyone who might know anything, especially Allegra and Iulian and Livia. The Empire is definitely more important, so I will kill them. I wish I'd put my warpaint on earlier for that League mask tradition, but I know it's there behind my eyes now, keeping me focused on what's important. Fast, sure, be certain they are dead.
Allegra says 'I don't matter compared to the Empire', and I tell her 'Bollocks, you matter to me', but she has just told me she's a threat to the Empire, so I'm going to have to keep her calm and quiet until I kill her. I shift my grip and move round a bit for a better angle. I've only got a little pen-knife on me which is mostly for cutting flapjack, because I didn't want to get into trouble if I got into a fight with that Highguard briar who keeps sending me nasty letters. It's cold, I don't know what Urizen wear under their robes but I'm expecting a lot of layers, so through the ribcage might be tricky. Allegra's hands are tied, so going for the patch at the side of the neck where there's a lot of blood close to the surface should be easy, an inch in the right place there and she'll bleed out straight away. Then I can use Allegra's staff to go for the others. At least I'm a lot faster in the mud than anyone else, that'll help.
Thing is, there's the bit of me hiding away in the back of my head that questions how sure I am. Can't take any chances with protecting the Empire. But killing several people who are important to the Empire wouldn't be very useful either. The longer I wait, the more people I might need to kill to stop it spreading. Be sure, be fast, be certain they are dead.
I agree with going into the Hub, it will be much easier to kill them in a smaller space where they can't run away. Iulian tells us as much of what happened as Allegra will let him. The fall of a Terunael city. I have to listen carefully, in case this is the thing which will destroy our Empire. I try asking people questions, but Livia tells me 'Isca, this really isn't about you'. So I make sure I keep smiling and joking and reassuring Allegra. It would be easy to kill everyone in the Hub, with my penknife and string and matches. Lace up the exits, tell them I just want to keep the cold out. Climb the central pole, because everyone knows Isca likes climbing things, and someone even helpfully left a ladder leaning on the wall. Cut the central ropes, collapse the tent, light the fabric, make sure nobody gets out. That should work well, much more certain than trying to fight everyone myself. If I survive I can't explain, so I'll be executed. I never wanted to be Isaella, but it needs doing and I'm here and nobody else is so I have to get on with it.
There's the Dance of Navarr and Thorn going on at the regio now. It smells TOO LOUD of gooseberry jam, and I CAN'T THINK because all I want is to DO, and the mud under my feet is wriggling and people are just going on and on and on with their silly Urizen long words that don't make sense and I don't want to sit still and smile and chat calmly, I want to RUN and JUMP and SET EVERYTHING ON FIRE which is definitely the safest thing to do and will solve all the problems.
The bit of me that's watching from a long way away asks: are you thinking straight?
There's another reason I might not be thinking properly. That letter from the person calling themselves the Firestarter, the one telling me to be dedicated to Freedom and do crimes and find the Paragon of Chaos. What if that's messing up the way I'm thinking? Could the letter have done something that put an anointing of Anarchy on me or something? I don't know, that's a Guide thing. I'm sure the Firestarter would be very pleased if I burnt down the Hub and everyone in it, a lot of heroes of the Empire and Civil Servants and other useful people.
Am I sure I'm thinking straight? I need to be sure, otherwise it will slow me down.
Now my Thinking Stick is broken and everything is falling into the Bucket of Confusion.
I can leave a sliver of attention to rambling on about zebras to reassure Allegra.The warpaint is keeping me together while I listen to the Terunael city dying again and again and again, focusing on an unknown threat to this Empire, leaving aside the burning and screaming and dying for now. I know what to do when I find the threat. I make sure they are dead, immediately. But without being more certain what and when and who the enemy is, the bit of me that's watching from a long way away is scared that I can't do this, that I am going to make some horrible mistake, that I don't want this. Not that it matters.
Conclave happens, and more things happen, and none of them make sense, and I have to keep listening to Terunael burn, and trying to work out if I should kill them all yet, and I can't let anyone know anything's wrong in case I get tied up along with Allegra.
There is not just a bucket of confusedness, there is a whole river, with my Thinking Stick floating away in pieces.
Eventually something works. Allegra tells them 'Everything I have been saying this evening is a lie', and I don't know whether I even believe that, and what I would really like to do right now is punch in her face, but that wouldn't help, so I hide under the table and listen carefully but this version doesn't make much sense either, and all I hear is the end of Terunael over again.
Finally Allegra seems to have told them everything she can. Anvil is dark as I help her through the mud and out of camp.
I wander up to the Navarr camp looking for someone to talk to, but the fires are out and the tents are quiet. Back down the hill I find Iulian, tell him that he picked the worst possible Navarri to be the only one who has heard a vision of Terunael, and make him promise not to get killed before coming to Bronwen's Rest tomorrow morning and telling someone less useless about it.
I can't think of anything else that needs doing tonight. The birds are starting to wake up again, Anvil is dark and quiet, but my head is full of screaming and burning and the end of cities and Empires. I don't know whether I've almost done something Virtuous enough to be an Exemplar, put the Empire at risk, should be executed for what I did or didn't do, and none of it makes any sense at all. I'm still watching every flicker and testing every thought, just in case.
I try running up and down the hill just to slow myself down a bit, and end up flat on my face and punching the mud until my hands hurt.
Fuck this. I didn't come to Anvil to be a hero, all I was planning was delivering sandwiches for Eleri, talking to new people, getting drunk and singing very badly. This is all way over my head, and tomorrow I'll be in trouble for all the things I was supposed to be doing instead of sitting around being useless. I do not know how to solve these problems, except that if I get drunk enough, I will stop being so confused, which seems like a very good idea.
Dark. Navarr is dark. Brass Coast is dark. One light at the far end of the League, which turns out to be the Looking Glass tent, with Leonora, Beatrix with the skirt that doesn't fit in toilets, and a grumpy draughir I don't recognise. At least they have something to drink even if it is oddly glittery, and a dry-ish corner where I can sit, and it's better than being on my own with my thoughts.
Beatrix notices me twitch, and comes over to cover me with hugs and kindness, which is the worst possible thing anyone could do to me. Angry keeps me going, scared keeps me fast, warpaint keeps me together, but crying will get me killed from sitting around not paying attention. I can't tell her what's wrong because I don't know and I don't have the right words and she wouldn't understand anyway. Easier to stay focused, to ignore the bit that's watching from a long way away, to survive today and forget what there was once or what we will rebuild, because when I start crying I don't know how to stop.