(no subject)
I feel no urge to be making art, other than my mind nagging me to do so because I'm supposed to be an "artist" and I probably should create something.
It's the same problem as usual-- tons of ideas, lack of motivation to execute them. Except I'm happy right now, even though I haven't really created anything in...months. Normally that wouldn't feel good to me. Normally, I am the most creative and productive when I am happy (I call bullshit on whoever says depressed people make for the greatest artists). I'm sure it's perfectly fine and normal and healthy to have shifts of interest and allow oneself to go through those periods of time to explore other things, while maintaining their primary desires and interests, but I'm enrolled in a school that costs upwards of $30k a year. Everyone takes it seriously and so do I. I truly want to go back but I feel passion growing in other areas and the intensity of CCS makes it difficult for me, personally, to nurse all of those passions with equal/appropriate attention.
What if I don't WANT to pour all of my energy into art anymore? Maybe I want to take a poli sci class. Maybe I want to start French again, or finally get to learning German. Maybe I want to spend a lot of time at my job. Maybe I want to hit the road whenever the fuck I feel like (around my work schedule, of course) without having to worry about my grades and obligations and other shit I honestly don't care about.
I feel like a useful person who contributes to the world, while benefiting personally from my efforts. I never felt like that, at least not to this extent, while in school--not during grade school, not during my freshman year of college.
This could all be well and good, ya know, I could go part time or something (although I don't want to- I don't really want to extend my time in college even more), BUT if I'm not a full-time student, my health insurance is affected. I know my dental insurance would be gone or severely reduced (which is terrible!! everyone knows i have bad bad teeth), don't know about the others though.
I just want to work and take a few classes and make shit and have studies and save money and get an apartment. I think if I could have a balance like that, I'd be pretty satisfied--at least in theory, since you never know how something will be until it actually happens.
We'll see. I can see and feel myself growing up rapidly and at first it was scary but now, not so much...it feels great. Slowly on my way toward self-reliance. Feels damn good, and I just see it getting better and better.
With that growth and responsibility come big choices, too, and I'm pretty pleased with my recent choices, but who knows what will happen down the road. I honestly have no idea what my life will actually be like by the time I turn 20...god I don't want to think about that. That's a grown-up age. fucking freaky. Okay, done with that topic; the point is that I've kinda gotten used to being in a seize-the-moment mindframe. I have to make shit happen for myself but look around and accept new opportunities. This attitude has served me well, I just hope it continues to lead me toward good things and I can be at the place I want to be sooner rather than later.
xx
It's the same problem as usual-- tons of ideas, lack of motivation to execute them. Except I'm happy right now, even though I haven't really created anything in...months. Normally that wouldn't feel good to me. Normally, I am the most creative and productive when I am happy (I call bullshit on whoever says depressed people make for the greatest artists). I'm sure it's perfectly fine and normal and healthy to have shifts of interest and allow oneself to go through those periods of time to explore other things, while maintaining their primary desires and interests, but I'm enrolled in a school that costs upwards of $30k a year. Everyone takes it seriously and so do I. I truly want to go back but I feel passion growing in other areas and the intensity of CCS makes it difficult for me, personally, to nurse all of those passions with equal/appropriate attention.
What if I don't WANT to pour all of my energy into art anymore? Maybe I want to take a poli sci class. Maybe I want to start French again, or finally get to learning German. Maybe I want to spend a lot of time at my job. Maybe I want to hit the road whenever the fuck I feel like (around my work schedule, of course) without having to worry about my grades and obligations and other shit I honestly don't care about.
I feel like a useful person who contributes to the world, while benefiting personally from my efforts. I never felt like that, at least not to this extent, while in school--not during grade school, not during my freshman year of college.
This could all be well and good, ya know, I could go part time or something (although I don't want to- I don't really want to extend my time in college even more), BUT if I'm not a full-time student, my health insurance is affected. I know my dental insurance would be gone or severely reduced (which is terrible!! everyone knows i have bad bad teeth), don't know about the others though.
I just want to work and take a few classes and make shit and have studies and save money and get an apartment. I think if I could have a balance like that, I'd be pretty satisfied--at least in theory, since you never know how something will be until it actually happens.
We'll see. I can see and feel myself growing up rapidly and at first it was scary but now, not so much...it feels great. Slowly on my way toward self-reliance. Feels damn good, and I just see it getting better and better.
With that growth and responsibility come big choices, too, and I'm pretty pleased with my recent choices, but who knows what will happen down the road. I honestly have no idea what my life will actually be like by the time I turn 20...god I don't want to think about that. That's a grown-up age. fucking freaky. Okay, done with that topic; the point is that I've kinda gotten used to being in a seize-the-moment mindframe. I have to make shit happen for myself but look around and accept new opportunities. This attitude has served me well, I just hope it continues to lead me toward good things and I can be at the place I want to be sooner rather than later.
xx