Gods, I'm such a whore...
Ok, so not really. But nonetheless, I feel dirty. Dirty because I lust. And so incredibly stupid. Gods, I feel stupid!
Griffin was even saying to me on Friday, "Don't you know you're the only one laughing?" Yeah, I did. But I couldn't help it. I kept on giggling at everything that wasn't funny, making myself out to be a ditz.
But I couldn't help it. It was if I was high or something. In reality, I was bored to tears, there was nothing to excite my mind.
What do you do when you can't control yourself? Eh? There's more than just one reason I don't do drugs, would you like to see me taking shit like that after how I acted friday after school? I don't need pot, I don't need alcohol, I act enough like it without any help.
I feel like a ditzy slut. I know I'm not like that, but damnit, being "good" all the time is fucking boring! B-O-R-I-N-G. I want to go out, I want to party. Sometimes I think the reputations of my friends procedes me, hinders me. I don't go out becuase I'm not invited. I don't drink or do drugs, so its assumed I wouldn't be any fun. Am I a stick in the mud? Sure, I like my fun, but I like to think things out first. I like boundries, and rules so I won't screw up too badly. But every time I get with a guy (not that often, unfortunately) it ends up being a mistake. But its oh-so-fun at the time. I want to meet a guy that won't be a mistake. A guy that I know I won't have a relationship with (that way I won't get hurt when it falls apart), but we have fun for the hell of it. Because we want to. No strings attached, just a good time.
Everyone who I meet that might fit this, is too young. Damnit, I do have morals. 14 is too damn young. I am 17, and any way I look at it, age plays some sort of role. 14.... Why the hell am I hanging out with middle-schoolers anyway? Not even many of them, just one or two, and a ninth grader who happens to be young. Because every single guy high schooler close to my age seems to have NO sexual/romantic interests in me. Some people tell me they're suprised I'm not "hitting guys off with sticks" (as Dave once put it). I can believe it. I was a stuck up bitch for most of my years in high school and middle school. Why should they think anything else now?
Why the hell can't they see I've changed? I'm not snotty little Erica who would turn her nose up at someone smoking pot, or drinking a beer. I'm Hope, an "edgy" (as I like to fancy myself) girl who doesn't care how you get off, she just wants to have fun. Sure, I'm not as experienced as I'd like to be, but hey, there's always room for change. I've come this far....
Wearing what I want to is helping. I want to wear short skirts. I want to wear heavy eyeliner. I want to wear sexy bras and panties and damnit I'll flash whoever I damn well please for the hell of it. I don't want to be a slut, but hell, I want some fun. Boys are so much fun- fun to surprise, because they don't expect half of what I say. I want to wear corsets, I want to wear lace up boots. I don't want to be cute, I want to be sexy. I want a guy to lust after me. I want someone to want my body because they don't want my mind. I just want to be happy- and if I can only get it moment to moment then so be it. But I can't stand the lonliness anymore. Friends are a comfort, but its not the same. When my hormones go outta whack nothing can stop me from acting the way I do. I'm going to screw up, so why not have fun doing so?
Because how how godsdamned self-rightous I was in previous years (I hate to admit it, but my brother was right) it's figuratively (and don't I wish literally) fucked me. So I don't do drugs. Thats ok. I don't like the taste, and I don't need them to have the same effects (just get me real bored).
So sue me, I'm unhappy.
Griffin was even saying to me on Friday, "Don't you know you're the only one laughing?" Yeah, I did. But I couldn't help it. I kept on giggling at everything that wasn't funny, making myself out to be a ditz.
But I couldn't help it. It was if I was high or something. In reality, I was bored to tears, there was nothing to excite my mind.
What do you do when you can't control yourself? Eh? There's more than just one reason I don't do drugs, would you like to see me taking shit like that after how I acted friday after school? I don't need pot, I don't need alcohol, I act enough like it without any help.
I feel like a ditzy slut. I know I'm not like that, but damnit, being "good" all the time is fucking boring! B-O-R-I-N-G. I want to go out, I want to party. Sometimes I think the reputations of my friends procedes me, hinders me. I don't go out becuase I'm not invited. I don't drink or do drugs, so its assumed I wouldn't be any fun. Am I a stick in the mud? Sure, I like my fun, but I like to think things out first. I like boundries, and rules so I won't screw up too badly. But every time I get with a guy (not that often, unfortunately) it ends up being a mistake. But its oh-so-fun at the time. I want to meet a guy that won't be a mistake. A guy that I know I won't have a relationship with (that way I won't get hurt when it falls apart), but we have fun for the hell of it. Because we want to. No strings attached, just a good time.
Everyone who I meet that might fit this, is too young. Damnit, I do have morals. 14 is too damn young. I am 17, and any way I look at it, age plays some sort of role. 14.... Why the hell am I hanging out with middle-schoolers anyway? Not even many of them, just one or two, and a ninth grader who happens to be young. Because every single guy high schooler close to my age seems to have NO sexual/romantic interests in me. Some people tell me they're suprised I'm not "hitting guys off with sticks" (as Dave once put it). I can believe it. I was a stuck up bitch for most of my years in high school and middle school. Why should they think anything else now?
Why the hell can't they see I've changed? I'm not snotty little Erica who would turn her nose up at someone smoking pot, or drinking a beer. I'm Hope, an "edgy" (as I like to fancy myself) girl who doesn't care how you get off, she just wants to have fun. Sure, I'm not as experienced as I'd like to be, but hey, there's always room for change. I've come this far....
Wearing what I want to is helping. I want to wear short skirts. I want to wear heavy eyeliner. I want to wear sexy bras and panties and damnit I'll flash whoever I damn well please for the hell of it. I don't want to be a slut, but hell, I want some fun. Boys are so much fun- fun to surprise, because they don't expect half of what I say. I want to wear corsets, I want to wear lace up boots. I don't want to be cute, I want to be sexy. I want a guy to lust after me. I want someone to want my body because they don't want my mind. I just want to be happy- and if I can only get it moment to moment then so be it. But I can't stand the lonliness anymore. Friends are a comfort, but its not the same. When my hormones go outta whack nothing can stop me from acting the way I do. I'm going to screw up, so why not have fun doing so?
Because how how godsdamned self-rightous I was in previous years (I hate to admit it, but my brother was right) it's figuratively (and don't I wish literally) fucked me. So I don't do drugs. Thats ok. I don't like the taste, and I don't need them to have the same effects (just get me real bored).
So sue me, I'm unhappy.