(no subject)
It's been a long time since I wrote in this, and probably never intended to again...but here it is. I haven't been doing a whole lot late. Cleaning, taking care of the dogs, a ridiculously small amount of writing.
I have been very confused.
College is a very confusing place. It has yielded some of the things I hoped it would--an escape from my parents, some new friends, some interesting experiences, but it has been barren of...other things I have hoped for. Maybe this is a sign that I should seek answers within myself instead of looking for answers around me, but it's hard. I will be the first to admit that I am insecure. I was told often as a kid that I was selfish, and I think that I try and go to great lengths to prove that to be a lie. I am not the most intelligent person, not the most perceptive or domestic person, but if someone needed me...really needed me, I'd do my best to be there, for what it was worth.
I think part of the problem is that I don't feel valued. I have discussed this a little with El in regards to certain people, but I think that as a WHOLE I don't feel valued, don't feel liked, don't feel respected. It's stupid on one level because I know I have friends, at least...people I spend time with the way friends spend time with each other. I have Taylor, who is my friend and who has never manged to make me feel like he didn't like me. Probably my best friend, aside from Jimmy.
Part of it is low self-esteem. People don't realize what places like middle school and high school do to their children. That's part of the reaosn I turned out how I did. That and the whole perfect family was never more than an ideal for mine--which I have come to realize is normal.
Who fucking knows. I don't.
I have been very confused.
College is a very confusing place. It has yielded some of the things I hoped it would--an escape from my parents, some new friends, some interesting experiences, but it has been barren of...other things I have hoped for. Maybe this is a sign that I should seek answers within myself instead of looking for answers around me, but it's hard. I will be the first to admit that I am insecure. I was told often as a kid that I was selfish, and I think that I try and go to great lengths to prove that to be a lie. I am not the most intelligent person, not the most perceptive or domestic person, but if someone needed me...really needed me, I'd do my best to be there, for what it was worth.
I think part of the problem is that I don't feel valued. I have discussed this a little with El in regards to certain people, but I think that as a WHOLE I don't feel valued, don't feel liked, don't feel respected. It's stupid on one level because I know I have friends, at least...people I spend time with the way friends spend time with each other. I have Taylor, who is my friend and who has never manged to make me feel like he didn't like me. Probably my best friend, aside from Jimmy.
Part of it is low self-esteem. People don't realize what places like middle school and high school do to their children. That's part of the reaosn I turned out how I did. That and the whole perfect family was never more than an ideal for mine--which I have come to realize is normal.
Who fucking knows. I don't.