2.04 Miss World
Wow. Long time no see! Let’s not tarry.
The fourth episode of this fabu second season is entitled ‘Miss World’. Luckily my teenage-to-adult translator, Hannah, corrected my assumption that it referenced the beauty pageant when it in fact refers to some song by some dudes I don’t know. Thanks Hannah! That makes more sense. I just don’t think Jude could win Miss World, cute as she is.
Walking into a hallway at school, Jude begins her vo Judeologue. She said she couldn’t hear a word “Mr. McGorgeous” was saying in physics. If I hear one more descriptive ‘Mc’ name, I’m going to frackin’ scream. Jude is walking fast. She has her own secret about “time and place”. Spied asks Jude if someone stuck a bunsen burner in her pants. He downloaded the Swedish punk bootlegs she wanted. Jude has no time, she says, because it’s time to ‘get down’ to the studio. Spied snarks, “So you can get down with your producer?” Heh. Jude lets a knowing smile cross her face as her Judeologue claims, “The Jude Principle says that sometimes the time, place and other person can sometimes all line up.”
Interior. G-Major. That Mason dude (I think) is in the studio sucking, as he is wont to do. Tommy is there producing or whatever. Jude comes into the mixing booth, sans knocking. I know your name rhymes with ‘rude’ but that doesn’t mean you have to be it! Anyway, her ‘physics’ principle says when all this perfection lines up she likes to call it “Tommy Time”. A regular Einstein, this one!
Tommy looks as Jude comes in, “I have got to start locking that door.” Jude the Rude says that she’d just knock it down. I don’t think she has enough arm strength for that. She’d just whine and bitch and moan at the door for being such a ‘tool’ and standing in the way of her ‘Tommy Time’ and after two minutes of the white noise that is Jude’s voice the door will open just to shut her up, “Alright, already! Get in there! And I am so knocking you on your ass on the way in.” Jude tosses Tommy something wrapped in a foil package. Whoa. High grade white, Jude? Is that really a proper thing to be carrying around? And why does Tommy need it? Tommy is thrilled by the drug delivery as his face turns serious and tells Jude that Emperor Palpatine and Darth Vader are waiting for her.
Okay, so he says, ‘they’ and Jude stupidly wonders, “they?” Do you, like, ever think on your feet? Who else makes Tommy all sad in the pants? Liam (droooool!) tells Jude that she’ll take four months off then start on her sophomore album. Faux tells Jude that her album sales are in the dumps and no one takes her seriously. Wow, not even getting arrested on a vandalism charge? Well, Jude, you’ll have to kill someone to get your street cred. Might I suggest Jamie?
Jude thinks it’s because she sounded ‘tight’ last time. I have to check my Canadian-American Coolspeke Dictionary because here ‘tight’ means good. So I’m guessing ‘tight’ like, holding back or like uptight. Jude is sure that if she gets back in the studio with Tommy everything will be okay in JudeWorld. Liam’s all, no. Tommy is apparently in demand. I know. I can’t believe it either. Faux has big plans for the new G-Major and none of it includes artists that both ‘suck’ and ‘blow’. Except for Mason. Sorry Jude. Faux says, “So we’re just going to slide you over to the backburner for a while. Take a rest.” Oh my goodness. That’s what you say to old people before you put them in a home!
Jude looks like she’s about to cry. Poor little kitten! But I’m not surprised to hear this. Judeologue announces, “Apparently, the Darius-Liam continuum can squash the Jude Principle and end Tommy Time at the speed of light”. Okay, when did she learn the word ‘continuum’ and how to use it in a proper sentence? That’s amazing. Faux asks if that’s cool. Does she have a choice? That’s a dumbass question.
Intro. Interior. Harrison Women Home. Wow. Sounds like a rehab center for crack whores and homeless women. I’ll change that later. Anyway, Papa is there and Papa’s presence makes everything better! Yay, Papa! Jude is happy to see him too describing him as, “Good as a banana split after a week on the Zone [diet]”. Yummy! Papa properly surmises that Jude has had a bad day. She goes on a rant about how the new G-Major is super tense and craptacular.
Lola enters the room. It’s amazing how much a summer changed my views on a former crack mama. She greets Jude as she puts some flowers on the table. “Your father brought us some…lovely…flowers” she looks at the flowers like, “ ‘tever”. He says, “Almost as lovely as it is to see you.” According to the Cheating Bastard-Scorned Wife Phrase Book from the Lying SOB Publishing House, what he really said is, “Please! Baby, please! Take me back!” The doorbell rings. Lola goes to answer it as Jude and Papa pop a squat on the sofa talking about G-Major.
A man comes into the room and Papa looks hella pissed by his arrival. Jude, as usual, is clueless. Her hair must smell like shit because that’s where her head is most of the time. Figure it out, girl! Lola introduces Jude to Don. Papa calls shenaningans and Jude wonders why and Papa tells her that Don is Victoria’s divorce lawyer. Lola looks satisfied and I’m almost proud of her viciousness even though it is against my favoritist Papa in the world. Don stands there smiling smugly. I think all prospective lawyers must show the their best smug smile before they’re allowed to officially pass the Bar.
Jude is upset. Don tells Papa that there’s only one more issue they want to settle: Jude’s trust fund. Lola wants control and doesn’t think Jude should run to Papa every time she needs money. Judeologue begins running it’s own Time Life Collector’s CD infomercial featuring songs like: “Take Our Love and Shove It” by Papa; “Daddy Moved Out and I Moved On” sung by a very cracked out looking Lola on a piano in a boa; and Jude’s “Stuck in the Middle With Jude”. My favorite song listed though is, “Go Hold Your Hussy”. Papa asks if anyone has consulted their youngest daughter as she is the co-signer on all the accounts. Jude gets up to leave prompting the parents to ask where she’s going. She says to go ‘bootleg’. Moonshine?
Interior. G-Major. It’s very…floral. Jude and Spied are crashing G-Major’s crap ass tropical-themed party to pitch an idea to Faux and go before they get bounced. Like your career? Oooh! BURN! I guess Jude wasn’t invited since she’s been sent to the G-Major Retirement Castle. Sadie is there sipping a pina colada or something good and fruity and alcoholic. I’m thirsty.
Jude is surprised to see her there but sis reminds her mei-mei that she’s there with Tommy. You know. Her boyfriend. Jude tells Sadie that she missed the firework extravaganza called family dinner with Don the ‘scabby divorce lawyer’. Sadie deftly avoids the topic by going over to get another drink. Sadie, your drifting closer to that Lurlene McStagger’s future I saw for you. Careful!
Over to Jamie and Patsy. Asshat is telling Patsy that if she impresses Liam that G-Major will probably have her in to record a demo soon. Patsy tells Asshat that he seems to have rented the wrong costume, “Sgt. Pepper”. Asshat informs Patsy that it is his gramps’ WWII jacket, fully decorated. I really would not have worn that out. Those medals are extremely valuable. Asshat says it’s symbolic of his new position at G-Major to show that he’s a soldier down in the trenches. Oh please.
Patsy says the medals are probably worth more off his scrawny chest. Ha! Patsy confiscates half the snacks from a platter as Asshat notices Liam making his way toward them. Asshat tells Patsy his boss is coming and not to eat him. Patsy starts backpedaling. Liam…dear Goddess that man is sex on two legs. Just give me a moment to swoon. … … swoon! Okay, I’m back.
Liam asks Asshat if he brought ‘the next great thing’ to justify his presence and very existence. This, is why I love this man and want to have pretty, pretty half-Irish babies with him. His Jamie-hate is almost as potent as mine. Think of the snarks we can create together! In bed! After hot sex! … Sorry about that.
Jamie assures Liam that he has and does a grand flourish to introduce Patsy who has, to quote ‘Lazy Sunday’, “Ghost like Swayze”. Liam calls this strike one. Mmm, love the baseball analogies baby. Wanna meet me at third base? Asshat looks suitably embarrassed and as such has made my entire month. Thank you.
Faux is making an announcement. “I work hard so that I can play hard. Tahiti style.” Whatever. Why don’t you actually go to Tahiti? T (Tommy) is his ears in the studio overlooking the new G-Major Judeless sound. Lee (Liam) is his eyes on the floor guarding his wallet. They are his VPs and all communication goes through them now. Now he’s out, but not literally. Like the way cool, hip-hop, urban black people say it. It’s just more meaningful that way.
Faux sees Jude and Spied there and I’m pretty sure his evening just took a nosedive. Faux snarks that this must be the most happening party in town because they’ve got crashers. Seriously? If that’s the most happening party in town, Toronto must be the equivalent of Hibbing in February at that point cuz that’s sad.
Jude begins her pitch: a quick, unpackaged recording of a new single, bootlegged and available online. Faux blanches at the idea of not making money off someone else’s labor. Spied points out this will give Jude street cred without having to pop a cap in Jamie’s ass. Jude needs a producer. Faux looks at Tommy who agrees to do it. Then Faux asks Liam to check on some studio time. Sex on Two Legs tells Jude that he has time from 7 to 10 tomorrow morning. Jude balks asking if that’s ‘am’. Liam’s like, “yeah. Got a problem?” She realizes this is her only chance and agrees.
Interior. Scuzzy bar and concert place. Same place we first meet Patsy, who’s there by the way and Asshat shows up looking for her. He’s angry and asks why she has the hobby of flushing other people’s careers. Well, knitting really isn’t her ‘thing’. Patsy replies by kissing him square on the mouth as some dude that I wouldn’t want to meet even on a well-lit street looks on. Asshat tells Patsy that her apology is accepted. You’re so easy.
Scuzzy dude, later identified by Asshat as Iggy Rasnitz, tells Asshat that he’s about to beat his ass ‘flyboy’. It’s also Patsy’s ex to which Asshat appropriately asks if anyone has filled Iggy in on that. Really. Where do these guys get off thinking they own gals? Honestly, grow up.
Scuzzy grabs Asshat ready to ‘make his ass grass’. Asshat feverishly talking his way out of a pasting reminds Scuzzy of a track on his first album ‘Lover Not Fighter’ and that if he creams him now Scuzzy would prove himself a musical liar. Scuzzy tells Asshat the drummer in the band wrote that song and he always hated it. Oops. Luckily for Asshat Patsy smacks her ex over the head with a glass bottle, knocking him out. Patsy grabs Asshat and they make like a banana and split.
Interior. G-Major. Post-Faux Tahiti-style Dorkbomber party. Asshat tells Patsy they can hide out there until Scuzzy regains consciousness and hopefully drinks away the remaining brain cell that remembers him. Patsy is breaking out in hives at the thought of being in an office. Well you were in that office earlier. What changed? Anyway, she wants to Ghost again and go to Asshat place but he puts a kibosh on that. His nana is old skool and wouldn’t tolerate Asshat bringing a girl home to spend the night, especially one that isn’t Jude and especially one that, well, looks like Patsy, unfair as that is. I’d love to have Patsy over my house as soon as I put all my valuables in the Panic Room. The media player is on pause and Patsy actually looks pretty here, despite the severe under bite. She rocks the black eyeshadow so much better than Jude. Patsy needs to help her girl out.
Asshat notices that Patsy is bleeding to which she replies, “meh”. “Not enough to fill a bucket.” That’s your standard Patsy? Asshat lovingly tends to Patsy’s cut. Dare I say, I see love spark in her eyes over this little triage episode? She tells him, “Once you get past the kindergarten hair and strictly mall clothes, you’re not as bad as I originally thought.” “Wow, that’s the best…non-compliment I’ve ever received.” I’m hurt! I can’t believe my lovingly calling you Asshat isn’t the best non-compliment you’ve ever received! Well I will say GOOD DAY to you sir! Patsy wants to bite his mouth, which translates from Crazy to Sane as ‘to kiss’. He looked suitably scared, like she could have rabies.
Happy But Slightly In An Uproar Harrison House of Alphabet Pancakes. Jude is outside in the garage rehearsing her new song. Then you hear Lola and Papa yelling. “This is not over Vic!” “It was over when you toured your travel agent!” HA! Best line in the world, Mama!
G-Major. Tommy is setting up the mic stand in the recording booth. “The last time I saw Saturday morning it was still Friday night,” proclaims the formerly naked one. That’s temporally impossible Tommy, but apparently physics gets NO respect this episode. First we have Jude making up her own principles and now Tommy is rewriting all we know on time and space. Einstein is spinning in his grave.
Tommy tells Jude she better have something good. She bitches about the dueling parents, the suckage that is G-Major and her lack of Tommy. He asks if she wants to scream. She does and loudly. Then Jude encourages Tommy to scream knowing he’s just as tense about the G-Major sitch. He does. This is such a cute Jommy scene but this does NOT mean I’m shipping Jommy. It’s just cute.
Then, of course, Spied has to come along and sully this precious moment. Oh, why did your mother push you out Spied? Why does she hate the world so much? WHY?! Spied makes the mistake of touching Kwest’s board to insinuate himself in the Jommy time prompting Kwest to threaten him with a lifetime membership in the Skywalker Amputee-Prosthetic Right Hand Group.
Meanwhile we follow the nicely shined loafers that I do believed are attached to a very gorgeous Irishman I’m gonna have babies with. And they are! We spy along with Liam, looking dapper in a Kelly green polo and holding a paper and coffee cup, two pairs of shoes and clothes strewn about on the floor. He walks in and we see Patsy and Asshat covered up with blankets they got from who knows where. Oh… Oh dear Goddess. Did they? Great. There goes my sex drive. So long, my friend!
We do get a lovely counter to that scene. A nice tight shot on Liam’s nice, tight ass. Not as nice as Hugh Jackman’s but still wonderfully squeezable. “Well I’m glad to see at least one of us got what we paid fer.” Oh Patsy’s not a prostitute and it’s a slander against the profession if I’m supposed to think Asshat is. Who’d pay to do him? Asshat gets up, frantically trying to explain. I paused here and wow, does Vincent Walsh have great cheekbones! Liam tells Asshat this is his second strike. Whoops. After Liam leaves Asshat turns around to see Patsy gone with the wind. She needs a bell around her neck.
In the recording booth we see Jude singing upside down with the group basically clowning around. Exactly what Liam thinks when he walks in asking how it’s going though he knows damn well how it is. He just wants to embarrass them. Tommy snarks that this is the ‘creative process’ and Liam’s like, the hell it is. Jude says they were just oxygenating her brain. Oh, that’s harder than it sounds. There’s fifteen minutes left and they haven’t actually recorded anything.
For the next two minutes, Liam and Tommy have a pissing contest though I have to say, Liam wins. As he controls studio time, he gets to kick them out. Now Jude is officially barred from G-Major and if she shows up there again before the end of her four-month probation they’ll send the dogs after her. Or the bees. Or the dogs with the bees in their mouths and when they bark they’ll shoot bees at her!
Later Jude goes to Liam’s office to beg for another chance. He barely looks away from his paper to ask her what she wants. Heh. I love that man. She says to make amazing songs people love. Well you haven’t done that yet according to your album sales. Why should that change now? She wants to do that with Tommy and says that it’s ‘kinda her life’. That’s fucking sad. Liam tells her this is not her living room. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways…
She doesn’t want to be caught in the middle of his testosterone tournament with Tommy and Liam suggests then that she doesn’t. He hands her a sheet that shows how much G-Major charges outside recording artists for the same studio time she just wasted. Five hundred dollars an hours. So she just wasted fifteen hundred dollars, added onto her crappy album sales. Nice job, Jude. But it’s not all her fault. Tommy was the one in charge but Jude’s the one whose career is suffering for it. Oh, nice going Quincy!
Jude asks how she’s supposed to work like this. Liam says with excellent snark and faux concern, “I don’t know! You poor thing!” Love. That. Man. “Might I suggest you join everyone else in the real world?” he tells Jude as she sits there looking every bit the petulant little child.
She walks into the lobby where Tommy and Spied are waiting. Tommy asks what he needs to know before he walks into the lion’s den. Jude tells him not to even bother and, “…that it wouldn’t matter if you two spewed any more testosterone and pee all over each other.” Spied looks at Tommy and stupidly and quite seriously asks, “Dude. For real?” Tommy, and I love Tim Rozon if for no other reason than this skill, gives Spied the best ‘WTF? Are you that damn stupid?’ look since No Sleep Til’ Brooklyn, pt. 2. Tommy asks Jude what she’s going to do. “Call MTV. ‘Cuz this girl is joining the Real World and getting herself a Crib.”
The-N: We’d like to give a shoot oot to our American homiez ova at MTV, yo!
MTV: … And you are?
Interior. Canadian Benihana’s. Jude is circling stuff in the paper as Papa walks up. He snarks about kids growing up fast but hopes she isn’t looking for an apartment. No. That’d be a disaster. I wouldn’t count on Jude trying to take care of herself at least until she’s thirty. I have a feeling that if her and Tommy ever actually get married, it’d be like Nick and Jessica. “Tommy. Why do they call it Chicken of the Sea? It’s tuna!” Then Tommy would give his classic, ‘WTF? You’re incredibly stupid’ look as he is wont to do. But Jude, being slightly smarter than Jessica will have a stupid look on her face and then, “oooh, right! Because tuna quacks, right? Right? Tommy, why are you looking at me like that? Whaddya mean you wish you were still with Portia?”
Anyway, enough about Jude’s MTV future. Jude ordered Papa his favorite: a salmon roll and a large sake. Um. She’s underage so how was she able to order an alcoholic drink? Papa knows she’s aiming for a favor but Jude bullshits that it’s just because she loves him…and wants a $1200/month allowance. He chokes and so do I. I never got more than $20 for allowance and barely that because my parents didn’t think rewarding the work that should go into doing basic household chores was necessary. Anything I needed or wanted they bought at their discretion. I guess they were just old school like that.
Papa asks if he looks like a Swiss Bank to her. No, but you are as yummy as Swiss chocolate to me, Papa! Jude complains about the state that is G-Major and that this money will provide a place for her to jam. Papa tells her, rightfully so, that what she needs is fiscal responsibility. Basically the same thing my other man, Liam, was trying to tell her. No wonder I love both of these men so much. Papa points out how many bands and musicians go broke trying to get their career off the ground.
See this is the problem with Jude. She’s a spoiled little suburban princess who’s accustomed to everything falling in her lap. Now it’s not anymore and she can’t handle it. Yes. Time to join the real world, sweetie. Papa wants to know why she can’t use the basement at home. Jude points out with the parental arguing, Sadie’s laundry, and the lawyer dude coming over, “for coffee and dinner…and dinner and coffee.” **gasp** Lola! In the house with your girls there! Wow!
Papa is afraid that Lola and her ‘pitbull’ will use this as ammunition against him. Jude whines that she’ll just stay there stuck between everyone. Papa knows that this is her money but as long as she is still a minor it is his responsibility. So, no dice Jude. Oh. That’s gonna change soon, Stuart. Just then Spied beeps her 911. Jude looks at Papa one last time but he doesn’t relent. Ah well.
Exterior. Dungy alley. We see Asshat walking down it as Patsy is going through the trash. Oh, that’s too easy. Patsy asks him if he’s back for seconds and that she likes a man with an appetite. So do I, Pats, but Asshat? Not a man. Not even close. Asshat looks somewhat frightened but Patsy tells ‘Jimmy’ that Scuzzy is at his rehearsal space so he won’t be there to kill him. Heh.
Asshat corrects her on his name again. She’s called him every ‘J’ name: Jason. Jimmy. Jackass. The list never ends. She snarks that ‘somebody woke up on the wrong side of me’. Heh. I’ll use that one day. She jumps out of the dumpster as Asshat bitches at her for stealing his grandfather’s jacket and asks how much she pawned it for.
Almost looking hurt at the suggestion, Patsy tells him she punked it up since they’re hanging out together and didn’t want him looking like a total geek in her presence. The sleeves are gone, spike studs are added to the shoulder and an Jolly Roger sigil is spray painted on the back. It’s kinda cool. Especially for Asshat. He balks at the desecration of the jacket that ‘survived the beaches of Normandy to die like this’. Asshat looks up again and Patsy’s gone.
Spied is walking a blindfolded Jude down the hall. “Two more steps to paradise,” he tells her. She replies with one of the best lines ever uttered on this show: “Okay, a homeless guy downstairs just offered to brush my arm hairs. Paradise cannot be upstairs from Hell and Nasty.” LMAO! Oh, Instant Star. I knew you had it in ya.
What Spied shows her is a rehearsal space for her and the band. A friend of Patsy’s rents it out for cheap. Jude asks how cheap and Spied reminds her of the neighborhood they’re in. Yes. The corner of Hell and Nasty. I remember.
Dank Alley. Patsy pulls up to give Asshat a ride. She asks, “Didn’t you see the ‘No Jamie’ signs? They’re posted up everywhere.” Oh, that’s where my signs went! He’s glad that she finally got his name right and she asks if she gets a medal for that. No, but you should get a certificate, and a shot, for sleeping with him. I can’t believe she broke that in.
Asshat tosses her a first aid kit for when she decides to go all ‘Desperado’ again, complete with glow-in-the-dark bandages so she can be found when she disappears. Patsy says, in an odd foreshadowing considering recent episodes, that she likes disappearing, when it comes time for her to disappear. Asshat promises not to push G-Major on her and while he was at first mad, he actually likes the improvement on gramps’ jacket. Patsy threatens/promises to do the same to his pants. Ewww! That was a sexual innuendo!
Interior. Happy Harrison House of Illicit Divorce Lawyer and Client Sexual and Caffeine Relations. Jude is signing her trust over to Mom on the contingency that she gets an extra four hundred dollars a month in allowance. EXTRA FOUR HUNDRED!?!? What the fuck are you getting now? See? Spoiled brat. Lola balks too but Don tells her to go ahead and do it so this divorce can finally happen. Oh you backstabber.
Interior. Hell and Nasty Recording Space. Speaking of hell and nasty, there’s Derelicte! I bet she blends in perfectly with the other denizens of the neighborhood. If nothing else, they look to her for fashion tips. DERELIIIIIIIIIIIICTE throws what is probably a sparkling grape juice bottle against the wall to christen the space. I hope it wasn’t alcohol. Not so much because they’re all underage but because it’s just wrong to waste alcohol like that.
Jude starts singing her new song and it quickly turns into a Mentos commercial or McDonald’s commercial or for Sunny D or some shiny, syrupy, far too happy shit like that. Meanwhile we see Papa getting the news that his favorite just double-crossed him and Lola is looking sad at the finality of her marriage as Sadie looks on in the background. Tommy and Kutie Kwest come in with mixing equipment and it’s all happy and crap. Sadie tries to call Tommy but as there’s a Shiny Happy Song jamming in the background he doesn’t hear it and she looks kinda sad.
At the end, Tommy and Jude are talking out on the fire escape. Tommy commends her on not giving up and getting the space and getting on with the business of trying to be a rock goddess. He knows that when they get the song recorded and put on the internet it will do well enough to impress Faux to ask her back to G-Major and sadden Liam’s day. They make a great team, Tommy pretty much says. Jude makes him promise that if the door in the studio is ever locked and Tommy finishes by saying that he’ll just kick it down. AWWWWWWWWWW!
Next: JUDE! Beware the Ides of March! And of Katerina!