2.02- No Sleep Til Brooklyn, Part the Second
Yes, that's how good this season is so far. Two recaps in 20 hours.
Let’s jump right in. Part two begins with the background of Queen’s “We Will Rock You”. You know, they’ve just taken a mile when I only gave an inch by thinking they were cool enough to warrant using Queen in one of their episodes. For shame, Instant Star. Interior. Harrison Home. Judeologue begins by saying, “There are mistakes and there are Mistakes.” Yeah. A mistake would be anything Kat wears on any given day. A Mistake would be…oh, you. Instant Star Closed Captioning helpfully informs us that Jude has gone without sleep for a full 48 hours. They should also keep track of the superpowered endurance of her cosmetics and then look into getting her a Revlon contract.
Do you realize how strong that makeup remover would have to be? So far as I know, she just keeps piling it on every time she has to go out. That remover would have to be so strong that when the container is open, a black cloud puffs out and immediately starts pouring acid rain.
Jude is on the phone leaving Tommy what I can only guess is the one hundreth message in the hours between her Diva Fit and the J-shaped pancakes La Harrison, forthwith known as Lola, undoubtedly served that morning. Judeologue says, “There’s not shoveling your icy sidewalk and then realizing an iceberg is about to sink your luxury liner.” No, Jude. There’s Tommy, a meterologist, telling you it’s December, Canada and conditions are excellent for an icestorm and to stock up on rock salt just in case. Then there’s you saying, “Oh well. My boyfriend has The Weather Channel as his homepage and he says we’ll get an Indian Summer tomorrow so SCREW YOU QUINCY!” Slight difference there, dear.
Doorbell rings. Jude kisses Jamie who is asleep on the couch and goes to answer the door. My babies’ (Sofia and Mairead) daddy, aka Liam, is standing on the other side looking ridiculously gorgeous for what must be an ungodly morning hour. Known in my world as ‘before 10am’. Now him, I wouldn’t mind waking up to most days. Other days it can be Kwest or Papa. But not Tommy and may I just make the announcement here and now that my “Tommy Love” has such an oppressive burqa on that there’s not even an eye panel so as to make it wonder carelessly down the street and into the river so as to be mowed down by the Manny Ray.
Ahem. Back to Liam and the Stupid Girl. Jude expresses surprise to see Liam who says that he’s sorry to disturb her quite so early in the morning. Ha! No you’re not but you’re snarky and that’s why I love you. He asks if she has a pen. Jude’s all, “Uhh…no” and that he couldn’t have come all that way to ask for a pen. No, he says, “G-Major would like to officially release you from your recording contract. Therefore we require your signature down here…**flipping pages** and down there.” All the while Jude is like, “damn”. Damn indeed.
Interior. G-Major. Jude goes staggering into the studios like a drunk Irishman on St. Patrick’s Day. She’s bumping into shit and I really, really hope she didn’t drive there. “Just as the captain of the Titanic wishes he could go back and add more lifeboats, I’d give anything to go back to last night and sing anything Darius wanted.” Apt comparison Jude as your album sales sunk much quicker than the Titanic and no, James Cameron will NOT make a dramatic version of that tragedy.
Jude enters Faux’s office. He snarks that he new she’d show up. She throws up her arms and pledges to do whatever Faux wants. If he were an unethical man, as many in the music industry are, he’d make that cover all kinds of shit no one should have to do for a career. He looks at her and says, “Sit” like you do to a dog. All she can do, the Judeologue explains, is keep swimming and hopes someone throws her a life buoy. She does. At that point if he had offered her a Milkbone I would have died laughing.
Faux like, “that’s right, bitch! Who’s da boss?” Or something in that vein. “Sing whatever I want and no substitutions this time.” Jude’s like, “Yessuh”.
Opening title sequence. Yes. It rocks. Lobby. G-Major. Some male prima ballerina is instructing what looks like a dance class for the deaf and rhythmless. Jude and Faux walk out of his office and passes I guy I swear looks like Steakburger. Hi T-Bone! They approach the group as Il Divo is lecturing his students. Jude announces that she’s there to learn the dance and Mason winces saying it took them three weeks to learn it. Il Divo says he’s three minutes away from a stroke. Dude, you don’t wanna go there.
“You’ve gotta be joking” he says. If only she were actually that funny. She denies it. Il Divo, who identifies himself in the third person as Troy says he has six hours to put a new person in this number and make it look good, and he holds up six fingers to emphasize the point. I wonder if he did that for Jude as word has undoubtedly gotten around G-Major that she is, indeed a Stupid Girl. Il Divo thinks it is a ‘shame-filled group number’. I agree. He is so going Debbie Allen on them.
Faux corrected ‘Troy’, which according to Homer Simpson is one of the formerly “macho” names gay men have ‘stolen’ for themselves and what can I say? It fits. Faux says that Il Divo has six hours to add a person to his, Faux’s, group number and that it’s not shame-filled in any sense. Right, bitch? Il Divo’s like, “Yessuh”. Faux gives him a reassuring pat on the arm as he leaves the scene.
Il Divo informs the Center Stage third-string rejects to work around Jude. Then he says, “Madame will teach herself and she will pick up the slack”. Wow. He’s seriously channeling his Fame season 1 DVDs. Jude’s like, “yeah, Madame’s gonna learn it”. Heh. She looks so cracked out right now. The rehearsal starts again and Jude concentrates as hard as possible to follow along. I almost feel sorry for her. Almost.
Interior. Harrison Home. On the couch doggie is licking Jamie. Oh, doggie! You can do better! Why don’t you go lick your balls or something? I’m sure that’ll taste better than Jamie. Nonetheless, Doggie is going to work on the prostrate Jamie’s arm and face. Jamie, who is no doubt dream that is Jude who is doing it is making icky pleasing sounds. Sadie enters the room, sees the scene and smiles. Then she says, “Nice to see little Jamie Andrews finally getting some action.” Jamie wakes up and upon seeing Doggie licking his face pushes the dog off as he sits up. Doggie: “Fine. I’ll take my sticky, slick tongue ELSEWHERE!” **humph*
Jamie asks where Jude is and Sadie neither knows nor cares but snarks that Jamie needs to get himself a flea collar. I suggest a choke chain. He has his meeting with…**le sigh** Liam and asks Sadie to apologize to Jude for him for his falling asleep and the whole Tommy thing. Sadie so doesn’t want to hear Quincy’s name at the moment and snarks that Jude is probably right back in Tommy’s pocket kissing his ass and “hanging off every word of his weak Johnny Depp impression”. Tommy has a Johnny Depp impression? Oh that makes my stomach queasy.
Jamie snarks, “He’s Johnny Depp? I’m Prince William”. And with that Di rolls over in her grave. Sadie replies, “He’s no Johnny Depp”. No need to state the obvious Sadie. Jamie snarks, “Wait. Which one of us was that dull verbal dart aimed at?” Hehe. Sadie warns Jamie against coming between Jude and Tommy because they always choose each other. Awww. They sound like star-crossed lovers, neh? Jamie thinks Sadie is bitter and that he and Jude are solid. He snarks that it’s nice to see Europe softened Sadie up but she just sees it as being realistic and that Jude will break Jamie’s heart. Too true.
Interior. G-Major. Jude is flopping her arm around like a metallic fish out of water practicing what is allegedly ‘dancing’. Portia is there making final adjustments on Jude’s silvery costume. I guess a needle or something accidentally pokes Jude and she asks for pity from Portia as she is already on probation. Portia tells her to stay still and then corrects Jude’s dancing. Portia has also gotten Jude a ‘fierce frock’ for her solo number. Jude snarks that she goes from ‘sweaty space mechanic’ to ‘Stupid Girl’. Well, really, you go from “A stupid girl who is playing a stupid sweaty space mechanic’ to ‘A stupid girl who is singing “Stupid Girl”’. Then she crowns the next Instant Star as Portia proclaims it to be quite the evening. Jude snarks that she has quite the brother and Portia gives her a surprised/slightly offended look. Oh honestly. You know your brother. You know he’s an ass. Jude lies and says, “Who I love bunches and bunches.”
Tommy comes up whining/complaining/bitching to Portia about how the copier is being a bitch with the toner. Jude asks Portia to wait as she runs over to talk to Tommy who’s she’s seeing for the first time since the Stage Performance of Doom and Ill-Advised Stupidity. Jude pleads with Tommy not to be mad and he snarks some of the best lines in response.
Tommy: “Because I consider photocopying all day a promotion”. Heh.
Jude: “No, I was just nervous about doing the cover at the party and I’m used to doing my own stuff and Jamie told me it was a good id…”
Tommy, incredulously: “You listened to Jamie?”
Jude: “Yeah…maybe” **looks away guiltily*
Tommy: “Yeah, because high school boyfriends, they always know what’s best for music careers.”
At that point Tommy makes this face that is all together, “WTF Jude?” “Duh, you STUPID IDIOT!” and “OMG, you really ARE a stupid girl”. So now I run into the river and drag my burqa’d Tommy Love to shore. And after snatching off the thick black covering I deliver mouth to mouth CPR crying and screaming, “DAMN YOU! Breathe! BREATHE! LIVE! LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!!!” Because that face? Makes me realize I just can’t hide the Tommy Love no matter how I try. And I hate him for it. And yet I love him. But he’s still behind Liam and Kwest and Papa but damnation our love, oh, it may not yet be sexual but we’re doing some very heavy petting. Damn. Damn. Damn.
Jude says that Jamie loves and cares about the ‘real her’. Tommy says, “Then he’ll love watching you pump real gas.” Knowing Jude she likes gasoline fights and will end up like Meekus, Roofus, and Brent and then Tommy will have to perform an “Eegoogily” at her funeral because Jude was like a sister to him, but in the way black people mean it because it’s more meaningful that way. And then Darius and Liam will help him build the “Jude Harrison Institoot For Kids Who Want To Play Geetar and Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Too”. It’ll be very sad.
She asks if it is true that her album’s flopping. No. It stopped fighting for life two months ago. Tommy snarks, "Don't ask me. I'm not the one who knows about your career." BURN!
Interior. Harrison Home. Sadie throws a bag full of clothes on the floor where Lola is sitting. Lola exclaims and grabs a nice, sparkly, sequiny black top from the pile, “You’re giving this to the homeless?” Looking closer at Lola here, I see one of the reasons I thought she looked cracked out. She lines her bottom lid, which she really shouldn’t do. Mama has really round eyes and this doesn’t help and it makes them look googly. Also, she needs a deep conditioner. Sadie confirms it because in short the top reminds her of Tommy.
Lola assures her equally sassy daughter that there are thousands of smarter guys out there who will appreciate her. When Sadie gets to college then she’ll start meeting them. Just then Papa walks through the door. PAPA!!!! **huggles* “Heyyy! There’s my girl, back from Europe” he exclaims as he throws his arms open wide. Awww! I luff him. “What? Wait a second, no Parisian beret?” He says the last part in a horrible French accent. Lola snarks, “What? No doorbell?” And that, my friends, is how she earned her new moniker, Lola. That made me love Mama.
Papa is about to fly off to Vegas and he wanted to see Sadie before he left. Grrr, baby! I wish I were going with him. Think he’s going with Yvette? Papa asks if she’s happy to be back and reunited with her ‘famous boyfriend’. Sadie scoffs at Tommy’s fame calling it “barely C-list”. Ouch. And that Papa hates him, which he denies saying he’s warmed up to Tommy and is appreciative because he’s good to Jude and at that point Sadie scrunches up her nose so much she looks like a Bajoran. He goes on saying that any guy that can make both his daughters so incredibly…then he trails off as Sadie gets up and storms away. Papa is bewildered.
Lola clarifies that Sadie and Tommy broke up, “Did you not notice the red eyes? The quivering bottom lip?” Papa: “I thought she had a cold!” LMAO! Oh Papa. Lola throws the top down with megatude and tells him to go and that she’ll pick up the pieces like she always does. Awww, that’s not fair, Lola. Papa never struck me as the non-caring type. Papa then says, “Okay, I DO hate Tommy!”
Interior. G-major. The Dancetravaganza is still going on, painfully, in the lobby. Jamie waves at Jude as he sees Spiederman and the guys coming out of Liam’s office. He asks what they were doing there and Spiederman pseudo-philosophizes some shit about roads that’s so stupid as to make series 1 Tommy blush. Dude #2 tells Jamie that he has been one hell of a manager. Jamie accepts the thanks and then says, “Wait, been?” Dude #3 just says, “See ya at school, Jaimers”. Liam…[daydream] Oh! Look! We make such pretty babies! [/daydream] Sorry about that.
Liam is standing outside his office, hands on hips like a financially powerful man who has managed to pencil you into his very busy schedule. “Mr. Andrews. I’m ready for you now.” Oh, Liam. I’m ready for you! Take me! Take me! Jamie turns around with the look of a gazelle trapped by a pride of lions and yet, it’s kinda HoYay! Snaps to Kristopher Turner for combining those two disparate looks. Jamie asks if he can get a glass of water first and Liam’s like, “Whatever. It’ll just mean you’re not as thirsty when I fire you.” Tommy is shooting poison daggers at Jamie. It really is all Jamie’s fault, having to wrestle with the copier that day.
Dancetravaganza limps on as the ISCC tells us it is 51 Hours without sleep and possibly even longer for her Extended Wear. Jude utterly fucks up as she’s not on her mark. Il Divo praises her on having the moves correct, for the most part. Except for the whole, she’s an entire row ahead of everyone else when she shouldn’t be. Jude’s like, “…oh…” Il Divo divas for everyone to stay on their mark. Jamie approaches Jude to ask if she has a minute. She says she’s stuck between a “rock and a Troy”. Heh. Jamie says he’s getting a dead man walking vibe off the meeting with Liam. If only. He needs Jude with him, just for five minutes. Jude looks over at Tommy who’s leaning on the railing staring at her with a look that says, “I swear to God if you pick that pencil-necked geek over your career one more time I am over this railing with a foot up your ass so fast your mascara will fly off your lashes.” For once, Jude GETS IT the first time around and tells Jamie that she can’t because she’s dancing. Now it’s Jamie’s turn to play Captain Oblivio and says that this is an emergency and that he just needs her for three minutes. Liam comes out and calls Jamie again in that kind of voice that says, “Look, I’ve got a lunch thing in twenty minutes and I need to get to Barney’s for a new shirt. Chop-chop Stupid Boy”. Goddess I want to rock that man's world.
Okay. Jamie. The last time Jude danced at G-Major it was for her career. You can safely guess that’s the reason this time as well as Jude doesn’t strike me as the “dance for the sheer joy of it” type of girl. What with her lack of rhythm and all. So let’s add up all the pieces, shall we? She’s in trouble with her label and all of a sudden she’s participating in an activity that she never does without force. Hey. Maybe this is HER emergency. Think about that? Of course not, Stupid Boy.
Jamie slumps into Liam’s office and if I’m not mistaken he is indeed walking on a green stripe on the floor. Jude is back at the dancetravaganza as her boyfriend-person walks his final mile. I’m sure that meeting will end well. God! They all SUCK! And they were the finalists? Dear Goddess of Heaven and Earth what did the rejects sound like? And why did it take them three weeks to learn a two-minute routine that is simple enough for a class full of preschoolers? Can a person actually have negative talent? To paraphrase Angelus, maybe they can take some lessons and then they’ll suck.
Break time. Mason oblivios (new word, TM-ME!) that Jude looks beat. Jude says that she is and there’s this crazy plateau you’ve reached when you’ve been awake for more than two days straight. You should never try that outside of a drunken stupor, which accounts for all the times I’ve stayed up that long. Jude says it’s okay because she has her career. Um, not really darling. Remember, that’s what all of this is about?
Jamie walks out of Liam’s office looking thoroughly chewed up and spit out. He looks at Jude, pouts and then slams out the door. Jude runs after him outside. Jamie bitch-asks, “Aren’t you missing a lambada lesson or something?” Jude says she can’t work when Jamie is clearly upset. He bitches about her not caring and that he’s just been fired as SME manager. What a loss. Jude says that is awful and she wish she could’ve come with him.
Jamie bitches the same thing without realizing that he didn’t even ASK Jude if she was busy at the moment and what was going on with her. No! The entire world revolves around Jamie and his stupid Converse and his stupid EMO hair and his stupid CAT FACE!!!! He blahs that Jude could’ve been there to remind G-Major that they wouldn’t have SME if not for him and blah, blah, blah, bitchcakes. I can’t even stand recapping this part because I just want to drive the Manny Ray on the sidewalk and run his little bitch ass over. He’s bitching that Jude could’ve acted like his girlfriend for three minutes and has the audacity to imply that MY favorite Stupid Girl is selfish.
He’s put Jude on the defensive and that’s so not fair. Okay. You get a new nickname, Jamie and it’s really quite simple: Asshat. No other word fits and there’s no need to create one for you. You’re simply Asshat and will continue to be Asshat until such a time you are replaced by a more annoying character, which Hannah assures me will be Spiederman in a few episodes time. So, Asshat, STFU.
Jude tells Asshat that G-Major is being impossible right now and that they wanted to drop her off the label this morning and that is why she is dancing like his namesake. He bitches, “I’m glad you got your contract back. At least you won’t have to worry about me cramping up your G-Major style anymore”. Shut. The. Fuck. UP! He is such a selfish little boy who’s acting like Mommy just took away his favorite GI Joe. Ugh. I can’t even finish recapping this part. Skipping ahead. One final note only because it comes into play later, Jude promises to get Asshat his job back.
Happy Harrison Home Sans Papa. Sadie is finishing off a quart of ice cream and Lola offers to buy her some more. Sadie declines and then Mama suggests watching a chick flick together and that makes her daughter roll her eyes. Sadie doesn’t want to do that either. So, Lola finally suggests, which would’ve been my first suggestion, that they go out to a bar for a drink. The next scene opens with the Harrison women walking in look trés chic and Lola looking every inch the MILF. Really. She looks good. They do that special effect where the film is slow motion as they walk in, do a synchronized hair flip, then they superspeed it and slow it down again. Lola should dress up like this all the time!
“There are men in here!” Lola says. Sadie’s all, well, duh, it’s not a convent. They promise to only have one drink to prove they did. On second thought, is it a good idea for Lola to be on the bar scene so soon after leaving Hazelton? At the bar two men who practically scream dork take notices of Las Harrisons. Sadie orders a club soda. Seriously? Sadie. You could’ve gone to the corner store to get that. Lola orders a Rusty Nail Lemon twist with no ice. I like her. Sadie gives her an incredulous look and Mama insists that she wants it to be a good one drink.
The dorks come over and chat the ladies up. Sadie is not at all thrilled. Turns out the Dork Duo are the ‘Sofa Bed Kings’ in that they own a local sofa bed shop. No sexual connotation there. Really. Lola is enjoying their company while Sadie is desperately searching for the hole that’s supposed to swallow people up in situations like these.
An auditorium somewhere. Interior. Faux is getting dressed for the evening’s occasion and not looking too bad. A knock comes at the door and he says, “Better be fatal”. If only. It’s Jude. She comes in looking every bit the futuristic Stupid Girl. Her bra is showing. Getting a little racy there, eh Jude? Faux tells her that wardrobe is non-negotiable. Don’t use big words like that! Just say, “No. You can’t change your clothes.” Jude agrees and says, “yeah, I wouldn’t dream of trying to talk you out of your bikini top”. Ewww. Darius in a bikini top? My mind’s eye burns at the thought. Jude says that didn’t come out right. Yeah. Don’t try to be clever when you haven’t slept in almost three days. You’re rarely clever when you have had enough sleep. Stupid Girl.
Jude thanks Faux again for the second chance. No shit thank him. You outta get it written across the sky because I so woulda bounced your ass. Jude says that she really wants to be part of the G-Major team. Then Faux says, “If you take care of the coach, the coach will take care of you.” Is that from one of those Chicken Soup books or something? Jude wants to talk to him about that.
Faux says they will break her album out much better than the old marketing G-Major did under Georgia. He tells her that she has a bit of growing up to do. No crap. I understand that she wants to be independent but yeah, there are times when you gotta play ball. Like Tommy said. Faux says that in the music business there’s no time to mess around and it can all go in an instant. Instant Star, baby. Then he uses Jamie as an example. Heh. Okay, Faux, you get a cracker. Good job.
Faux does another football analogy because the Spiederman boys need Da Coach too. Ditka? To take them to the next level. Superbowl Shuffle! Where’s Jim McMahon? Jude has what it takes to go to the next level too. Almost, Faux emphasizes. He takes a wig off of a mannequin bust and puts it on Jude’s head saying, “Platinum. My favorite color.” Why do you have all those wigs, Faux? Do you perform at the Manhole as Noxema Jackson? You know. Jesse’s daughter.
Jude spies herself in the mirror and realizes she doesn’t look so bad as a blonde. Bar. One of the Dork Duo asks Sadie if there are any genetic defects in her family. The fuck? Sadie bounces. Back at the Auditorium Jude is waiting backstage to go out to perform with the blonde wig firmly affixed to her head. She is looking a lot like Jennifer Sky á la Cleopatra 2525. Tommy comes out and Jude asks him if he’s finally happy that she had to do this. He says that is exactly what he didn’t want to happen. Jude blahs that it is difficult to know what sacrifices to make. Tommy understands that but this is the name of the game.
The other Dancetravaganza members come out in wares so gaudy Vegas would ban them. Jude joins them on the stage. Tommy says, “Cuz nothing says legitimate singing contest like space prostitutes.” LMAO! And Tommy, the proper term is ‘spooker’. Thanks. Sadie arrives and asks Tommy if he would like a sofa bed. He refuses and snarks, “Is this going to get me another ultimatum?” Heh. Sadie confesses that the ultimatum thing isn’t really working for her and all she wanted was to be missed. Tommy assures her that she was and he gently touches her face. Awww! He says he has time for a drive by on Friday and if that’s okay. Sadie says it is and that she’ll take him any time. Tommy reminds her that he’s still going to be busy and Sadie finally understands and accepts this. They kiss and all is right with the Sommy. **squee**
Meanwhile, dancetravaganza is put out of its misery with the final note of the music. As the members are leaving the stage Mason snarks that Il Divo is probably rolling in his grave. Jude replies, “Troy died? Oh awesome!” She’s just kidding. Whatever. Jamie enters the scene. Ugh. He wants to know what Faux said about him getting the job back. Jude looks away and Jamie bites off her head saying that she didn’t even ask. To be fair Darius didn’t give her an opportunity to ask as he pretty much shut down that line of questioning before it started.
Jamie wants to know what happened to Team Us and all his managerial accolades. Meanwhile Portia is trying to help Jude with her costume change and he’s bitching at her. Jude assures him that she is fighting for them and Asshat bitches, “When? When it doesn’t get in the way of Team You?” Asshat? STFU. He walks out leaving Jude in a snit right before she has to go on stage.
On stage Jude is rockin’ out Stupid Girl sounding pretty awesome. The scene is spliced with footage of Asshat storming out like a little bitch in the hallway outside and he rips down one of Jude’s posters. I wanted so badly for a rent-a-cop security for the Auditorium to come and tackle Asshat to the ground. Go LAPD on his Emo ass! The song becomes a background as the rest of the contest continues and we see that Mason wins (ugh). Jude looks over to see Jamie gone and goes Emo on me.
Harrison Home. 68 Hours without sleep for Jude and an all time record of 70 Hours for the Extended Wear. We see our Instant Star with some goop in her hair that I am going to assume is hair dye. Downstairs in the kitchen Lola and Sadie are doing some mama-daughter bonding. Tommy enters saying he rang the bell but all he heard was squealing. Awww. They’re so cute. He hugs and kisses Sadie as Jude comes downstairs with newly dyed blonde hair. Mama likes it. Tommy likes it. I’ll have to get accustomed to it. Sadie snarks to Jude that the next time she decides to do the cliché breakup hair dying to get it done at a salon.
Tommy asks Jude how she’s doing. Okay she says. He wants to know if she’s ready to get back into the studio. She is and so they go. Tommy tells Sadie that he’ll call her later. Outside Tommy asks Jude if she’s gotten any sleep yet. She snarks that she’ll sleep when she’s dead. As a courtesy you might want to get started on that because all this chatterin’ ain’t doin’ me any kindness. Jude gets into Tommy car as he begins emoting about how much he missed working with her and missed her. By the time he says that Jude FINALLY falls asleep, her Extended Wear none the worse. Amazing. Tommy drives away and we see Asshat sitting on his front porch looking sad. Whatever.
Next episode: Jailhouse Rock, as interpreted by Jude Harrison. Stupid Girl.
Let’s jump right in. Part two begins with the background of Queen’s “We Will Rock You”. You know, they’ve just taken a mile when I only gave an inch by thinking they were cool enough to warrant using Queen in one of their episodes. For shame, Instant Star. Interior. Harrison Home. Judeologue begins by saying, “There are mistakes and there are Mistakes.” Yeah. A mistake would be anything Kat wears on any given day. A Mistake would be…oh, you. Instant Star Closed Captioning helpfully informs us that Jude has gone without sleep for a full 48 hours. They should also keep track of the superpowered endurance of her cosmetics and then look into getting her a Revlon contract.
Do you realize how strong that makeup remover would have to be? So far as I know, she just keeps piling it on every time she has to go out. That remover would have to be so strong that when the container is open, a black cloud puffs out and immediately starts pouring acid rain.
Jude is on the phone leaving Tommy what I can only guess is the one hundreth message in the hours between her Diva Fit and the J-shaped pancakes La Harrison, forthwith known as Lola, undoubtedly served that morning. Judeologue says, “There’s not shoveling your icy sidewalk and then realizing an iceberg is about to sink your luxury liner.” No, Jude. There’s Tommy, a meterologist, telling you it’s December, Canada and conditions are excellent for an icestorm and to stock up on rock salt just in case. Then there’s you saying, “Oh well. My boyfriend has The Weather Channel as his homepage and he says we’ll get an Indian Summer tomorrow so SCREW YOU QUINCY!” Slight difference there, dear.
Doorbell rings. Jude kisses Jamie who is asleep on the couch and goes to answer the door. My babies’ (Sofia and Mairead) daddy, aka Liam, is standing on the other side looking ridiculously gorgeous for what must be an ungodly morning hour. Known in my world as ‘before 10am’. Now him, I wouldn’t mind waking up to most days. Other days it can be Kwest or Papa. But not Tommy and may I just make the announcement here and now that my “Tommy Love” has such an oppressive burqa on that there’s not even an eye panel so as to make it wonder carelessly down the street and into the river so as to be mowed down by the Manny Ray.
Ahem. Back to Liam and the Stupid Girl. Jude expresses surprise to see Liam who says that he’s sorry to disturb her quite so early in the morning. Ha! No you’re not but you’re snarky and that’s why I love you. He asks if she has a pen. Jude’s all, “Uhh…no” and that he couldn’t have come all that way to ask for a pen. No, he says, “G-Major would like to officially release you from your recording contract. Therefore we require your signature down here…**flipping pages** and down there.” All the while Jude is like, “damn”. Damn indeed.
Interior. G-Major. Jude goes staggering into the studios like a drunk Irishman on St. Patrick’s Day. She’s bumping into shit and I really, really hope she didn’t drive there. “Just as the captain of the Titanic wishes he could go back and add more lifeboats, I’d give anything to go back to last night and sing anything Darius wanted.” Apt comparison Jude as your album sales sunk much quicker than the Titanic and no, James Cameron will NOT make a dramatic version of that tragedy.
Jude enters Faux’s office. He snarks that he new she’d show up. She throws up her arms and pledges to do whatever Faux wants. If he were an unethical man, as many in the music industry are, he’d make that cover all kinds of shit no one should have to do for a career. He looks at her and says, “Sit” like you do to a dog. All she can do, the Judeologue explains, is keep swimming and hopes someone throws her a life buoy. She does. At that point if he had offered her a Milkbone I would have died laughing.
Faux like, “that’s right, bitch! Who’s da boss?” Or something in that vein. “Sing whatever I want and no substitutions this time.” Jude’s like, “Yessuh”.
Opening title sequence. Yes. It rocks. Lobby. G-Major. Some male prima ballerina is instructing what looks like a dance class for the deaf and rhythmless. Jude and Faux walk out of his office and passes I guy I swear looks like Steakburger. Hi T-Bone! They approach the group as Il Divo is lecturing his students. Jude announces that she’s there to learn the dance and Mason winces saying it took them three weeks to learn it. Il Divo says he’s three minutes away from a stroke. Dude, you don’t wanna go there.
“You’ve gotta be joking” he says. If only she were actually that funny. She denies it. Il Divo, who identifies himself in the third person as Troy says he has six hours to put a new person in this number and make it look good, and he holds up six fingers to emphasize the point. I wonder if he did that for Jude as word has undoubtedly gotten around G-Major that she is, indeed a Stupid Girl. Il Divo thinks it is a ‘shame-filled group number’. I agree. He is so going Debbie Allen on them.
Faux corrected ‘Troy’, which according to Homer Simpson is one of the formerly “macho” names gay men have ‘stolen’ for themselves and what can I say? It fits. Faux says that Il Divo has six hours to add a person to his, Faux’s, group number and that it’s not shame-filled in any sense. Right, bitch? Il Divo’s like, “Yessuh”. Faux gives him a reassuring pat on the arm as he leaves the scene.
Il Divo informs the Center Stage third-string rejects to work around Jude. Then he says, “Madame will teach herself and she will pick up the slack”. Wow. He’s seriously channeling his Fame season 1 DVDs. Jude’s like, “yeah, Madame’s gonna learn it”. Heh. She looks so cracked out right now. The rehearsal starts again and Jude concentrates as hard as possible to follow along. I almost feel sorry for her. Almost.
Interior. Harrison Home. On the couch doggie is licking Jamie. Oh, doggie! You can do better! Why don’t you go lick your balls or something? I’m sure that’ll taste better than Jamie. Nonetheless, Doggie is going to work on the prostrate Jamie’s arm and face. Jamie, who is no doubt dream that is Jude who is doing it is making icky pleasing sounds. Sadie enters the room, sees the scene and smiles. Then she says, “Nice to see little Jamie Andrews finally getting some action.” Jamie wakes up and upon seeing Doggie licking his face pushes the dog off as he sits up. Doggie: “Fine. I’ll take my sticky, slick tongue ELSEWHERE!” **humph*
Jamie asks where Jude is and Sadie neither knows nor cares but snarks that Jamie needs to get himself a flea collar. I suggest a choke chain. He has his meeting with…**le sigh** Liam and asks Sadie to apologize to Jude for him for his falling asleep and the whole Tommy thing. Sadie so doesn’t want to hear Quincy’s name at the moment and snarks that Jude is probably right back in Tommy’s pocket kissing his ass and “hanging off every word of his weak Johnny Depp impression”. Tommy has a Johnny Depp impression? Oh that makes my stomach queasy.
Jamie snarks, “He’s Johnny Depp? I’m Prince William”. And with that Di rolls over in her grave. Sadie replies, “He’s no Johnny Depp”. No need to state the obvious Sadie. Jamie snarks, “Wait. Which one of us was that dull verbal dart aimed at?” Hehe. Sadie warns Jamie against coming between Jude and Tommy because they always choose each other. Awww. They sound like star-crossed lovers, neh? Jamie thinks Sadie is bitter and that he and Jude are solid. He snarks that it’s nice to see Europe softened Sadie up but she just sees it as being realistic and that Jude will break Jamie’s heart. Too true.
Interior. G-Major. Jude is flopping her arm around like a metallic fish out of water practicing what is allegedly ‘dancing’. Portia is there making final adjustments on Jude’s silvery costume. I guess a needle or something accidentally pokes Jude and she asks for pity from Portia as she is already on probation. Portia tells her to stay still and then corrects Jude’s dancing. Portia has also gotten Jude a ‘fierce frock’ for her solo number. Jude snarks that she goes from ‘sweaty space mechanic’ to ‘Stupid Girl’. Well, really, you go from “A stupid girl who is playing a stupid sweaty space mechanic’ to ‘A stupid girl who is singing “Stupid Girl”’. Then she crowns the next Instant Star as Portia proclaims it to be quite the evening. Jude snarks that she has quite the brother and Portia gives her a surprised/slightly offended look. Oh honestly. You know your brother. You know he’s an ass. Jude lies and says, “Who I love bunches and bunches.”
Tommy comes up whining/complaining/bitching to Portia about how the copier is being a bitch with the toner. Jude asks Portia to wait as she runs over to talk to Tommy who’s she’s seeing for the first time since the Stage Performance of Doom and Ill-Advised Stupidity. Jude pleads with Tommy not to be mad and he snarks some of the best lines in response.
Tommy: “Because I consider photocopying all day a promotion”. Heh.
Jude: “No, I was just nervous about doing the cover at the party and I’m used to doing my own stuff and Jamie told me it was a good id…”
Tommy, incredulously: “You listened to Jamie?”
Jude: “Yeah…maybe” **looks away guiltily*
Tommy: “Yeah, because high school boyfriends, they always know what’s best for music careers.”
At that point Tommy makes this face that is all together, “WTF Jude?” “Duh, you STUPID IDIOT!” and “OMG, you really ARE a stupid girl”. So now I run into the river and drag my burqa’d Tommy Love to shore. And after snatching off the thick black covering I deliver mouth to mouth CPR crying and screaming, “DAMN YOU! Breathe! BREATHE! LIVE! LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!!!” Because that face? Makes me realize I just can’t hide the Tommy Love no matter how I try. And I hate him for it. And yet I love him. But he’s still behind Liam and Kwest and Papa but damnation our love, oh, it may not yet be sexual but we’re doing some very heavy petting. Damn. Damn. Damn.
Jude says that Jamie loves and cares about the ‘real her’. Tommy says, “Then he’ll love watching you pump real gas.” Knowing Jude she likes gasoline fights and will end up like Meekus, Roofus, and Brent and then Tommy will have to perform an “Eegoogily” at her funeral because Jude was like a sister to him, but in the way black people mean it because it’s more meaningful that way. And then Darius and Liam will help him build the “Jude Harrison Institoot For Kids Who Want To Play Geetar and Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Too”. It’ll be very sad.
She asks if it is true that her album’s flopping. No. It stopped fighting for life two months ago. Tommy snarks, "Don't ask me. I'm not the one who knows about your career." BURN!
Interior. Harrison Home. Sadie throws a bag full of clothes on the floor where Lola is sitting. Lola exclaims and grabs a nice, sparkly, sequiny black top from the pile, “You’re giving this to the homeless?” Looking closer at Lola here, I see one of the reasons I thought she looked cracked out. She lines her bottom lid, which she really shouldn’t do. Mama has really round eyes and this doesn’t help and it makes them look googly. Also, she needs a deep conditioner. Sadie confirms it because in short the top reminds her of Tommy.
Lola assures her equally sassy daughter that there are thousands of smarter guys out there who will appreciate her. When Sadie gets to college then she’ll start meeting them. Just then Papa walks through the door. PAPA!!!! **huggles* “Heyyy! There’s my girl, back from Europe” he exclaims as he throws his arms open wide. Awww! I luff him. “What? Wait a second, no Parisian beret?” He says the last part in a horrible French accent. Lola snarks, “What? No doorbell?” And that, my friends, is how she earned her new moniker, Lola. That made me love Mama.
Papa is about to fly off to Vegas and he wanted to see Sadie before he left. Grrr, baby! I wish I were going with him. Think he’s going with Yvette? Papa asks if she’s happy to be back and reunited with her ‘famous boyfriend’. Sadie scoffs at Tommy’s fame calling it “barely C-list”. Ouch. And that Papa hates him, which he denies saying he’s warmed up to Tommy and is appreciative because he’s good to Jude and at that point Sadie scrunches up her nose so much she looks like a Bajoran. He goes on saying that any guy that can make both his daughters so incredibly…then he trails off as Sadie gets up and storms away. Papa is bewildered.
Lola clarifies that Sadie and Tommy broke up, “Did you not notice the red eyes? The quivering bottom lip?” Papa: “I thought she had a cold!” LMAO! Oh Papa. Lola throws the top down with megatude and tells him to go and that she’ll pick up the pieces like she always does. Awww, that’s not fair, Lola. Papa never struck me as the non-caring type. Papa then says, “Okay, I DO hate Tommy!”
Interior. G-major. The Dancetravaganza is still going on, painfully, in the lobby. Jamie waves at Jude as he sees Spiederman and the guys coming out of Liam’s office. He asks what they were doing there and Spiederman pseudo-philosophizes some shit about roads that’s so stupid as to make series 1 Tommy blush. Dude #2 tells Jamie that he has been one hell of a manager. Jamie accepts the thanks and then says, “Wait, been?” Dude #3 just says, “See ya at school, Jaimers”. Liam…[daydream] Oh! Look! We make such pretty babies! [/daydream] Sorry about that.
Liam is standing outside his office, hands on hips like a financially powerful man who has managed to pencil you into his very busy schedule. “Mr. Andrews. I’m ready for you now.” Oh, Liam. I’m ready for you! Take me! Take me! Jamie turns around with the look of a gazelle trapped by a pride of lions and yet, it’s kinda HoYay! Snaps to Kristopher Turner for combining those two disparate looks. Jamie asks if he can get a glass of water first and Liam’s like, “Whatever. It’ll just mean you’re not as thirsty when I fire you.” Tommy is shooting poison daggers at Jamie. It really is all Jamie’s fault, having to wrestle with the copier that day.
Dancetravaganza limps on as the ISCC tells us it is 51 Hours without sleep and possibly even longer for her Extended Wear. Jude utterly fucks up as she’s not on her mark. Il Divo praises her on having the moves correct, for the most part. Except for the whole, she’s an entire row ahead of everyone else when she shouldn’t be. Jude’s like, “…oh…” Il Divo divas for everyone to stay on their mark. Jamie approaches Jude to ask if she has a minute. She says she’s stuck between a “rock and a Troy”. Heh. Jamie says he’s getting a dead man walking vibe off the meeting with Liam. If only. He needs Jude with him, just for five minutes. Jude looks over at Tommy who’s leaning on the railing staring at her with a look that says, “I swear to God if you pick that pencil-necked geek over your career one more time I am over this railing with a foot up your ass so fast your mascara will fly off your lashes.” For once, Jude GETS IT the first time around and tells Jamie that she can’t because she’s dancing. Now it’s Jamie’s turn to play Captain Oblivio and says that this is an emergency and that he just needs her for three minutes. Liam comes out and calls Jamie again in that kind of voice that says, “Look, I’ve got a lunch thing in twenty minutes and I need to get to Barney’s for a new shirt. Chop-chop Stupid Boy”. Goddess I want to rock that man's world.
Okay. Jamie. The last time Jude danced at G-Major it was for her career. You can safely guess that’s the reason this time as well as Jude doesn’t strike me as the “dance for the sheer joy of it” type of girl. What with her lack of rhythm and all. So let’s add up all the pieces, shall we? She’s in trouble with her label and all of a sudden she’s participating in an activity that she never does without force. Hey. Maybe this is HER emergency. Think about that? Of course not, Stupid Boy.
Jamie slumps into Liam’s office and if I’m not mistaken he is indeed walking on a green stripe on the floor. Jude is back at the dancetravaganza as her boyfriend-person walks his final mile. I’m sure that meeting will end well. God! They all SUCK! And they were the finalists? Dear Goddess of Heaven and Earth what did the rejects sound like? And why did it take them three weeks to learn a two-minute routine that is simple enough for a class full of preschoolers? Can a person actually have negative talent? To paraphrase Angelus, maybe they can take some lessons and then they’ll suck.
Break time. Mason oblivios (new word, TM-ME!) that Jude looks beat. Jude says that she is and there’s this crazy plateau you’ve reached when you’ve been awake for more than two days straight. You should never try that outside of a drunken stupor, which accounts for all the times I’ve stayed up that long. Jude says it’s okay because she has her career. Um, not really darling. Remember, that’s what all of this is about?
Jamie walks out of Liam’s office looking thoroughly chewed up and spit out. He looks at Jude, pouts and then slams out the door. Jude runs after him outside. Jamie bitch-asks, “Aren’t you missing a lambada lesson or something?” Jude says she can’t work when Jamie is clearly upset. He bitches about her not caring and that he’s just been fired as SME manager. What a loss. Jude says that is awful and she wish she could’ve come with him.
Jamie bitches the same thing without realizing that he didn’t even ASK Jude if she was busy at the moment and what was going on with her. No! The entire world revolves around Jamie and his stupid Converse and his stupid EMO hair and his stupid CAT FACE!!!! He blahs that Jude could’ve been there to remind G-Major that they wouldn’t have SME if not for him and blah, blah, blah, bitchcakes. I can’t even stand recapping this part because I just want to drive the Manny Ray on the sidewalk and run his little bitch ass over. He’s bitching that Jude could’ve acted like his girlfriend for three minutes and has the audacity to imply that MY favorite Stupid Girl is selfish.
He’s put Jude on the defensive and that’s so not fair. Okay. You get a new nickname, Jamie and it’s really quite simple: Asshat. No other word fits and there’s no need to create one for you. You’re simply Asshat and will continue to be Asshat until such a time you are replaced by a more annoying character, which Hannah assures me will be Spiederman in a few episodes time. So, Asshat, STFU.
Jude tells Asshat that G-Major is being impossible right now and that they wanted to drop her off the label this morning and that is why she is dancing like his namesake. He bitches, “I’m glad you got your contract back. At least you won’t have to worry about me cramping up your G-Major style anymore”. Shut. The. Fuck. UP! He is such a selfish little boy who’s acting like Mommy just took away his favorite GI Joe. Ugh. I can’t even finish recapping this part. Skipping ahead. One final note only because it comes into play later, Jude promises to get Asshat his job back.
Happy Harrison Home Sans Papa. Sadie is finishing off a quart of ice cream and Lola offers to buy her some more. Sadie declines and then Mama suggests watching a chick flick together and that makes her daughter roll her eyes. Sadie doesn’t want to do that either. So, Lola finally suggests, which would’ve been my first suggestion, that they go out to a bar for a drink. The next scene opens with the Harrison women walking in look trés chic and Lola looking every inch the MILF. Really. She looks good. They do that special effect where the film is slow motion as they walk in, do a synchronized hair flip, then they superspeed it and slow it down again. Lola should dress up like this all the time!
“There are men in here!” Lola says. Sadie’s all, well, duh, it’s not a convent. They promise to only have one drink to prove they did. On second thought, is it a good idea for Lola to be on the bar scene so soon after leaving Hazelton? At the bar two men who practically scream dork take notices of Las Harrisons. Sadie orders a club soda. Seriously? Sadie. You could’ve gone to the corner store to get that. Lola orders a Rusty Nail Lemon twist with no ice. I like her. Sadie gives her an incredulous look and Mama insists that she wants it to be a good one drink.
The dorks come over and chat the ladies up. Sadie is not at all thrilled. Turns out the Dork Duo are the ‘Sofa Bed Kings’ in that they own a local sofa bed shop. No sexual connotation there. Really. Lola is enjoying their company while Sadie is desperately searching for the hole that’s supposed to swallow people up in situations like these.
An auditorium somewhere. Interior. Faux is getting dressed for the evening’s occasion and not looking too bad. A knock comes at the door and he says, “Better be fatal”. If only. It’s Jude. She comes in looking every bit the futuristic Stupid Girl. Her bra is showing. Getting a little racy there, eh Jude? Faux tells her that wardrobe is non-negotiable. Don’t use big words like that! Just say, “No. You can’t change your clothes.” Jude agrees and says, “yeah, I wouldn’t dream of trying to talk you out of your bikini top”. Ewww. Darius in a bikini top? My mind’s eye burns at the thought. Jude says that didn’t come out right. Yeah. Don’t try to be clever when you haven’t slept in almost three days. You’re rarely clever when you have had enough sleep. Stupid Girl.
Jude thanks Faux again for the second chance. No shit thank him. You outta get it written across the sky because I so woulda bounced your ass. Jude says that she really wants to be part of the G-Major team. Then Faux says, “If you take care of the coach, the coach will take care of you.” Is that from one of those Chicken Soup books or something? Jude wants to talk to him about that.
Faux says they will break her album out much better than the old marketing G-Major did under Georgia. He tells her that she has a bit of growing up to do. No crap. I understand that she wants to be independent but yeah, there are times when you gotta play ball. Like Tommy said. Faux says that in the music business there’s no time to mess around and it can all go in an instant. Instant Star, baby. Then he uses Jamie as an example. Heh. Okay, Faux, you get a cracker. Good job.
Faux does another football analogy because the Spiederman boys need Da Coach too. Ditka? To take them to the next level. Superbowl Shuffle! Where’s Jim McMahon? Jude has what it takes to go to the next level too. Almost, Faux emphasizes. He takes a wig off of a mannequin bust and puts it on Jude’s head saying, “Platinum. My favorite color.” Why do you have all those wigs, Faux? Do you perform at the Manhole as Noxema Jackson? You know. Jesse’s daughter.
Jude spies herself in the mirror and realizes she doesn’t look so bad as a blonde. Bar. One of the Dork Duo asks Sadie if there are any genetic defects in her family. The fuck? Sadie bounces. Back at the Auditorium Jude is waiting backstage to go out to perform with the blonde wig firmly affixed to her head. She is looking a lot like Jennifer Sky á la Cleopatra 2525. Tommy comes out and Jude asks him if he’s finally happy that she had to do this. He says that is exactly what he didn’t want to happen. Jude blahs that it is difficult to know what sacrifices to make. Tommy understands that but this is the name of the game.
The other Dancetravaganza members come out in wares so gaudy Vegas would ban them. Jude joins them on the stage. Tommy says, “Cuz nothing says legitimate singing contest like space prostitutes.” LMAO! And Tommy, the proper term is ‘spooker’. Thanks. Sadie arrives and asks Tommy if he would like a sofa bed. He refuses and snarks, “Is this going to get me another ultimatum?” Heh. Sadie confesses that the ultimatum thing isn’t really working for her and all she wanted was to be missed. Tommy assures her that she was and he gently touches her face. Awww! He says he has time for a drive by on Friday and if that’s okay. Sadie says it is and that she’ll take him any time. Tommy reminds her that he’s still going to be busy and Sadie finally understands and accepts this. They kiss and all is right with the Sommy. **squee**
Meanwhile, dancetravaganza is put out of its misery with the final note of the music. As the members are leaving the stage Mason snarks that Il Divo is probably rolling in his grave. Jude replies, “Troy died? Oh awesome!” She’s just kidding. Whatever. Jamie enters the scene. Ugh. He wants to know what Faux said about him getting the job back. Jude looks away and Jamie bites off her head saying that she didn’t even ask. To be fair Darius didn’t give her an opportunity to ask as he pretty much shut down that line of questioning before it started.
Jamie wants to know what happened to Team Us and all his managerial accolades. Meanwhile Portia is trying to help Jude with her costume change and he’s bitching at her. Jude assures him that she is fighting for them and Asshat bitches, “When? When it doesn’t get in the way of Team You?” Asshat? STFU. He walks out leaving Jude in a snit right before she has to go on stage.
On stage Jude is rockin’ out Stupid Girl sounding pretty awesome. The scene is spliced with footage of Asshat storming out like a little bitch in the hallway outside and he rips down one of Jude’s posters. I wanted so badly for a rent-a-cop security for the Auditorium to come and tackle Asshat to the ground. Go LAPD on his Emo ass! The song becomes a background as the rest of the contest continues and we see that Mason wins (ugh). Jude looks over to see Jamie gone and goes Emo on me.
Harrison Home. 68 Hours without sleep for Jude and an all time record of 70 Hours for the Extended Wear. We see our Instant Star with some goop in her hair that I am going to assume is hair dye. Downstairs in the kitchen Lola and Sadie are doing some mama-daughter bonding. Tommy enters saying he rang the bell but all he heard was squealing. Awww. They’re so cute. He hugs and kisses Sadie as Jude comes downstairs with newly dyed blonde hair. Mama likes it. Tommy likes it. I’ll have to get accustomed to it. Sadie snarks to Jude that the next time she decides to do the cliché breakup hair dying to get it done at a salon.
Tommy asks Jude how she’s doing. Okay she says. He wants to know if she’s ready to get back into the studio. She is and so they go. Tommy tells Sadie that he’ll call her later. Outside Tommy asks Jude if she’s gotten any sleep yet. She snarks that she’ll sleep when she’s dead. As a courtesy you might want to get started on that because all this chatterin’ ain’t doin’ me any kindness. Jude gets into Tommy car as he begins emoting about how much he missed working with her and missed her. By the time he says that Jude FINALLY falls asleep, her Extended Wear none the worse. Amazing. Tommy drives away and we see Asshat sitting on his front porch looking sad. Whatever.
Next episode: Jailhouse Rock, as interpreted by Jude Harrison. Stupid Girl.