(no subject)
I rolled the Mother of all spliffs last night..two huge smackaroo's and I havnot been that stoned in a long time.As usual..me and Silent Bob(Visigoth_ie ) decided to get stoned...but conversation became an ancient history lesson and I left her house last night with my mouth open and my mind alight. We began talking normally,which I love,we both understand that when I get stoned I love nothing more than to talk,draw,write or sing,..to nurture the mind if you will.I was literally enthralled by this girl I claimed to be so close to..yet didnt really know alot of?
I suppose thats still my innocence in a way.However,I feel normal now.Basically,the reason I ran away from Celbridge and left all the people and problems behind,was because I thought I was such a mess,and everyone thought so too...but last night I found out so many things..even about the so-called 'love' of my life,who was nothing like she'd described to me at all...I never once logically sat back and said...okay these people actually HAD lives before I walked into theirs at some stage,and not the sheltered life I led under my mothers scarily protective eye,they really..lived,and for some looking at them now as 20 year olds,its affected some,I can see all those sly references to the past come alive,I can see why certain things werent spoken about(but my 18year old mentality and emotional state was what they were experiencing at age 13 onwards...?)I was a late bloomer,I should have had more real friends but I didnt,I threw them away to be like the ones I 'saw' through my own eyes as popular...the ones I wanted to be like,when in reality,that was the reaon they couldnt stand themselves and were so unhappy..they'd lived an incredibly active life at so young,and there really was fuck all left to do,and I know Im babbling but...this explains so,so much to me!
What bites my ass even more, is the pain,grief and fucked up emotional state I went into after we stopped talking,broke up,etc,etc,I saw these people with big bright sun's shinin out of the ass'ss.. and it took an hour conversation last night to realise that the last few months of my self hate and pity were useless,because the people I cried over were useless too.
Last night...I got tremendous closure.