Actually, I probably reveal here on LJ more of what I'd like to do and say than I ever would in real life. I think I have every right to feel anger and resentment over this whole situation. I voice those feelings here. While I no longer hold my feelings in like I used to, in real life, I soften their expression with humor.
I understand that. I'm not very outward with my feelings in real life, too. Hold it in, until I freak out. Just the day before yesterday I yelled talking on my cell in a tram full of people. They sort of moved away, I guess they thought I will kick somebody >:P
What I wanted to say: I know you feel anger, and it's quite understandable, considering everything, but everybody makes mistakes, and Char is no exception. Somebody's mistakes don't have so durable consequnces, it's partially a matter of luck. Some folks make worse choices, with less consequences. You should look on the bright side. You still did became a grandpa, even though a bit early, and even though Char's relationship with HB is not going great, but there's still this ( I'm sure beautiful ) child who needs all of you to love him your best. And I'm pretty sure Char will become much more responsible now that she is a mother.
I understand everything you are saying. I express my anger, frustration, and rancor here in LJ, but I will never act any of that out, or express it even as much as I should. I will do what I know I have to do. I'll be whom I know I must be. And prolly that will further fuel my resentment, because I'm so very tired of having to be anything at all. I just want to be. Just once. Does that make sense?
I think sometimes what I say in my journal paints a very different picture to my LJ friends from what goes on in real life. I suppose what I'm trying to say is I vent here.
Yeah, another userpic, but really blurry, so I don't use it. Damn, I study graphic designs, and i'm so bloody lazy to do something, even if it's a userpic...
Hm, I had a crisis (don't know did you read the post with, like, a million LJ-cuts-related to that). The issue was about me continuing my education, and I was a mess lately. I just can't stand somebody asking me stupid questions about important stuff, and somebody (accidentally my mom, whom with I usually get along just fine) did just that, although she knew I don't have the answers. But, we're like that- we yell, and we're ok soon, because we know the other person didn't meant it, or just had to blow out. Ah, southern people... I'm so calm usually, but my family makes me go mad sometimes. They know where the buttons are...
And I so understand that. Actually more often I wanted just not to be at all.
Oh, thanks. :P Some would say I'm being a smartass.
I missed the post with all the cuts. Did you have me locked out, or did I just have a crack moment? I'll go look again...
Now, now. Just being (without having to be something specific) is easy. It's when you have to meet all these imposed standards and expectations that it begins to wear you down. Nevertheless, being is better than the alternative, from where I stand. It might not always be the way we would like, but don't be thinking about trying the alternative!
I meant that seriously. You said some things in there that took me many adult years to put together. I know adults who will probably never figure it out. And I know few people your age who have that kind of understanding.
Oh, don't worry, I'm not suicidal. I believe that, once we're created, we exist forever, therefore the act of suicide, can't erase us. I meant really not existing. And I'm not talking stupid stuff just due to my current problems, (on the contrary, I feel better when I see how much I can endure) it's that I sometimes don't see the point of existing. I have a family that loves me, I love them, I'm in uni, I look fine, I'm of average intelligence, I draw fine, I sing pretty good, I write ok, but somehow I'm not pleased. I can't find a purpose of being. I would like to have something I would excel in, and i can't seem to focus on anything. Shouldn't there be something I was just born for? You see, I'm being a smartass again... :D
Re: Wait a minute.loonatic_42October 14 2006, 18:48:55 UTC
First of all, I wasn't being hoity-toity, and I'm not cheeky. Just to get that straight. And you're being an old fart because you're mean to me :/ Sigh... *tears running down*
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Actually, I probably reveal here on LJ more of what I'd like to do and say than I ever would in real life. I think I have every right to feel anger and resentment over this whole situation. I voice those feelings here. While I no longer hold my feelings in like I used to, in real life, I soften their expression with humor.
Reply
What I wanted to say: I know you feel anger, and it's quite understandable, considering everything, but everybody makes mistakes, and Char is no exception. Somebody's mistakes don't have so durable consequnces, it's partially a matter of luck. Some folks make worse choices, with less consequences. You should look on the bright side. You still did became a grandpa, even though a bit early, and even though Char's relationship with HB is not going great, but there's still this ( I'm sure beautiful ) child who needs all of you to love him your best. And I'm pretty sure Char will become much more responsible now that she is a mother.
Reply
And why did you freak out?
I understand everything you are saying. I express my anger, frustration, and rancor here in LJ, but I will never act any of that out, or express it even as much as I should. I will do what I know I have to do. I'll be whom I know I must be. And prolly that will further fuel my resentment, because I'm so very tired of having to be anything at all. I just want to be. Just once. Does that make sense?
I think sometimes what I say in my journal paints a very different picture to my LJ friends from what goes on in real life. I suppose what I'm trying to say is I vent here.
And look at you! Wise beyond your years!
Reply
Hm, I had a crisis (don't know did you read the post with, like, a million LJ-cuts-related to that). The issue was about me continuing my education, and I was a mess lately. I just can't stand somebody asking me stupid questions about important stuff, and somebody (accidentally my mom, whom with I usually get along just fine) did just that, although she knew I don't have the answers. But, we're like that- we yell, and we're ok soon, because we know the other person didn't meant it, or just had to blow out. Ah, southern people... I'm so calm usually, but my family makes me go mad sometimes. They know where the buttons are...
And I so understand that. Actually more often I wanted just not to be at all.
Oh, thanks. :P Some would say I'm being a smartass.
Reply
Now, now. Just being (without having to be something specific) is easy. It's when you have to meet all these imposed standards and expectations that it begins to wear you down. Nevertheless, being is better than the alternative, from where I stand. It might not always be the way we would like, but don't be thinking about trying the alternative!
I meant that seriously. You said some things in there that took me many adult years to put together. I know adults who will probably never figure it out. And I know few people your age who have that kind of understanding.
Still, I always love a smartass. ;)
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Oh, don't worry, I'm not suicidal. I believe that, once we're created, we exist forever, therefore the act of suicide, can't erase us. I meant really not existing. And I'm not talking stupid stuff just due to my current problems, (on the contrary, I feel better when I see how much I can endure) it's that I sometimes don't see the point of existing. I have a family that loves me, I love them, I'm in uni, I look fine, I'm of average intelligence, I draw fine, I sing pretty good, I write ok, but somehow I'm not pleased. I can't find a purpose of being. I would like to have something I would excel in, and i can't seem to focus on anything. Shouldn't there be something I was just born for?
You see, I'm being a smartass again... :D
Reply
It takes time to figure out what your purpose is. And for some, I think purpose finds them.
Perhaps you can excel at being a smartass? It's worked for me! :-P
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The math isn't working. By all calculations, it makes you cheeky. :-P
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And you're being an old fart because you're mean to me :/
Sigh... *tears running down*
I think I will start speaking in Spanish now...
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Besides, you wouldn't have me any other way. :-P
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