healer, heal thyself
This? Is so true it hurts. Thanks to cagedwriter86 for making me aware of its existence.
Link to the quiz-thing itself.
My current profile, according to it:
You are trying desperately to prove yourself. You are going at it hammer and tongs in order to get your own way. You oppose any sort of restriction or opposition to your own point of view in the belief that this could prove you how self-determined you are.
You may not be feeling so good at this time. Everything seems to be getting on top of you. What you need is a rest from all of the the present trials and tribulations in peaceful surroundings and with someone - male or female, it doesn't really matter - who can really understand you and who appreciates your needs.
You feel tired - worn out and listless. The last thing that you want to do is to be in an open conflict with those around you that are forever tormenting you. What to do? That's the rub. You are feeling that you are being choked - unable to breathe.
Recent disappointment has led you to become truly introverted. You are becoming suspicious of everybody and consequently you now feel that you are unable to trust anybody. Unfortunately it would appear that you are curbing your natural enthusiasm and imaginative nature - perhaps this is because you are fearful that you may become over enthused and find that you could possibly be carried away by wishful thinking. You are keeping your distance to see whether attitudes towards you are sincere - but this watchfulness could easily develop into suspicion and distrust.
Perhaps in the distant past your trust and belief in your fellow man was misplaced and you can now no longer accept anything as it appears to be. You are untrusting and you insist that before you commit yourself to anything, you examine the pro's and con's with critical discrimination. The situation has now progressed to one where you are apt to disagree yet not make any form of constructive criticism to every suggestion that may be put to you. As a result you are in limbo. There is a saying that goes 'The past does not equal tomorrow'. Think about it - and let go.
fhufhasjk;khfkjdksa ouch.
My dad called me last night and begged me (again) to check out screenwriting as a possible career path. I felt an instant surge of nausea in my gut at the idea and coldly shut him down, knowing even as I did it that I was being unreasonable and hurting him when he was only trying to help me find my way. I felt really shitty both about treating him badly and about not wanting to consider the career path he thought I'd enjoy and be good at. So I made myself look into it even though I didn't want to, and the nausea gradually faded. I still don't think it's for me, but I got through that.
That same thing happened with a dear friend of mine a week or two ago. She suggested that I was coasting through life right now and that I needed to get up and get going. She was wrong about the coasting part-- I do have plans, they're just going to take quite some time to put into motion and I'm already doing everything I need to in regards to them-- but instead of explaining myself reasonably first, I got annoyed, shut her down, and then explained myself (badly).
I couldn't figure out why, when I was so clear on what I needed to do, the more people told me to find my path the more awful I felt.
Well, I think I've at least partially figured it out.
It hurts me when people tell me to find my path because it makes me feel like they don't trust me to find it without them flogging me. Everyone seems to think I'm destined for greatness right away, but I'm not. I might get there, but I still have years of learning and experience to go through before I'll have the qualifications I need to do this right. Being a child prodigy is all well and good, it'd get me lots of attention and fame and whatnot, but thinking in terms of who I'm serving-- trying to do it now would be selfish. It'd be fun for me, everybody lauding me and oohing and ahhing over how awesome I am, but because I'm not ready yet, that's all it would be. I wouldn't really be doing much good to anyone but myself.
What's the hurry? Why do I have to push myself every minute of every day just to get where I'm heading an exhausted and jaded wreck? Why can't I take the time to enjoy my quiet, simple life as I build up to my life's work? Why does my road have to be paved with blood, sweat, and tears to be valuable or valid?
Fuck that. Seriously. I'm so sick of people believing they have to suffer to do good in the world, because if it's easy and enjoyable it can't really be worth anything. It just isn't true. I know plenty of people who love their jobs and do great good at the same time. The two aren't mutually exclusive.
The other thing that's bugging me is this: for most twenty-two-year-old girls, becoming Operations Manager of a business and making two to three thousand dollars a month on salary (hasn't happened yet, but it's a done deal come January) would be a pretty nice accomplishment. But for me, all I get is a half-hearted congratulations and a warning not to get 'tied down' to this job.
Well, why shouldn't I let myself get 'tied down?' I love this job. I really do. And bonus, it pays all my bills (and then some!), even right now on my lowly part-time worker wage. When I get my promotion I'll be practically rolling in money. It gives me tons of free time to do whatever I like on the internet, which I've been using thus far to study Japanese (which I'll need for my eventual path).
This job is a gift from the universe, not a threat.
Everybody's different. Some people love to be challenged. They rise to it, they conquer it, they feel awesome. Others prefer to be encouraged and praised and supported that way. I work best with a little of both. The fact is, I can either take pressure from outside or from inside. Not both. If I'm pushing myself to do something, other people pushing me to do it too just makes it too much and I end up having to give up and run. Also, too much praise makes my head swell until I realize that I'm not as wonderful as all that and the come down makes me feel like shit.
That's why I haven't told anyone what my plan for my future is. I don't want interference. I don't need support. I want to do it, so I will. If I need help bringing it to fruition, I'll ask for it. Some of you may remember when I made the post about my spirit animal (the Panther), and how I need to stop talking about my intentions because it weakens them. I'm holding to that. I'm not being secretive or reclusive or trying to make people curious. I'm just doing what needs to be done.
Right now? I can't breathe whether I'm sleeping or awake. Even in my dreams I feel hunted by expectations, both those others have of me (which, to be fair, they've been very low-key and non-invasive about for the most part) and those I have of myself for other people (which are neither low-key nor non-invasive at all).
Have any of you ever heard the saying to whom much is given, much is expected? This saying haunts me. I've been given a lot, and I do plan to turn it around into serving the world when I'm ready to, but I can't escape the feeling that I'm not doing it fast enough or the way that everyone wants me to do it. I feel like I should be sacrificing myself day-in and day-out because I've been so blessed. But really, what's the point of being blessed if I'm exhausted, miserable, and hate the world I'm grudgingly trying to better? I'd be useless and burned out long before I accomplished anything of real value.
About my introvertedness, now-- the colourgenics quiz is only almost right there. It's not that I don't trust people or don't want to commit to things. I'm just very choosy about who and what I commit to and nothing's really been drawing me lately.
I've been reaching out a lot more romantically in the past little while (as you may have noticed with the almost-date-that-canceled-twice and my crushes in Japanese class and making out with my downstairs neighbour). It's been a disappointment to me so far, however, because even though I'm reaching out, I'm not really finding anyone I actually like and want to date for sure. I'm attracted to people sometimes, but not really very strongly, and I can't help but think that I'm only doing it out of the belief that I should be doing it. I feel like if I don't reach out this way, people will believe I'm hiding from the world or that I'm too afraid of being hurt or something. (I am afraid of being hurt, of course, but if I actually met someone I wanted enough to have a relationship with, I'd deal.)
This has led to not wanting to be around people at all. Period. I pushed myself to reach out in a direction I didn't need to go yet, and the rebound of that has me craving solitude so badly it's an actual physical ache. I used to fall asleep every night imagining my pillow as a human companion, a lover who would hold me and protect me as I drifted off. Now I can only sleep if I imagine myself so alone that I can't even sense another human presence anywhere around me, in a place so deserted it would take days for anyone to reach me.
See, I'm open to making connections with people, but not just with any people. There are people I want to know and be known by, and a whole lot of people I don't, and the former are really hard to come by. I'm very introverted right now, it's true, but that's not because I'm afraid to connect. It's because I can't seem to find anyone I actually want to connect with. I'd rather be alone than force myself to associate with people I don't even want to be around. Being alone is wonderful and peaceful for me. I'm at my happiest when I'm by myself. Forcing myself into relationship with people I don't like being around stresses me out, makes me miserable, and drastically reduces the amount of energy I'm willing to give away to others since I need most of it for myself just to deal with said people. It's counterproductive and I'm pretty much done feeling guilty for not wanting to be bestest buddies with everyone who wants to be bestest buddies with me. It just doesn't work.
I feel defensive when I'm accused of hiding from the world when I'm actually not. I do hide from the world sometimes-- when I need time to rest and recuperate-- but a lot of the time when I'm accused of it I'm actually not. I'm just biding my time waiting for someone worth talking to or something worth doing. When this is misunderstood, I get pissy and closed off, thereby convincing whoever's doing the accusing that they're right. I just didn't know how to explain it until now and felt frustrated and helpless because of it.
I just want everyone to back off and realize that unlike a lot of people, I actually pay attention to myself. When I react to something, I take note, and I think about why I reacted that way. People who are unaware of themselves do sometimes need someone outside of them to point out what they're doing and make them aware of it, but I don't. So seriously, everyone needs to back off and let me deal with my issues without the confusion of outside perspective. If it's something I can't puzzle out myself, I'll ask for help. I've put myself in counseling before, I've asked questions of my friends, and I'll do it again whenever I need to. But when I don't need help, don't force it on me. I'll just end up resenting the person as an intrusive, unwelcome do-gooder who doesn't know me as well as I know myself.
I know myself very well. I'm constantly learning new things, of course, I don't know everything, but I need the people I love to trust that I know myself best and let me decide what I need.
*****
Okay, so the basic summary of all of this is:
1.) I know where I'm going and what I need to do career-wise, so I need to ask the people who are pushing me to 'do something with my life' to back off and respect my ability to make good life decisions.
2.) I also need to explain to the same people that just because I'm not connecting with a lot of people doesn't mean I'm afraid to, only that I'm not meeting many people I want to connect with.
3.) I need to respect my need for solitude instead of feeling guilty about it, or it won't be restful and I'll just end up needing more of it.
4.) I have a very deep need to be trusted (easily as deep as my need to be loved).
What I need to do on the four days I have off next weekend:
1.) Go the endowment lands and lose myself in nature for a while.
2.) Do breathing meditation.
3.) Speak to no one.
4.) Write letters to the people I love explaining what I need from them. Possibly send them, possibly not, but either way clarity within myself is needed.
5.) After hours on Thursday before I leave work, go to the top floor where no one can hear me and sing for a while (to clear my lungs).
6.) Do some yoga (to loosen up all the joints and muscles that have become painfully tense from defending myself).
7.) Clean my rooms.
8.) Take a bath with epsom salts to draw out some toxins.
9.) Sleep.
God. I feel about three inches taller and twenty pounds lighter.
Link to the quiz-thing itself.
My current profile, according to it:
You are trying desperately to prove yourself. You are going at it hammer and tongs in order to get your own way. You oppose any sort of restriction or opposition to your own point of view in the belief that this could prove you how self-determined you are.
You may not be feeling so good at this time. Everything seems to be getting on top of you. What you need is a rest from all of the the present trials and tribulations in peaceful surroundings and with someone - male or female, it doesn't really matter - who can really understand you and who appreciates your needs.
You feel tired - worn out and listless. The last thing that you want to do is to be in an open conflict with those around you that are forever tormenting you. What to do? That's the rub. You are feeling that you are being choked - unable to breathe.
Recent disappointment has led you to become truly introverted. You are becoming suspicious of everybody and consequently you now feel that you are unable to trust anybody. Unfortunately it would appear that you are curbing your natural enthusiasm and imaginative nature - perhaps this is because you are fearful that you may become over enthused and find that you could possibly be carried away by wishful thinking. You are keeping your distance to see whether attitudes towards you are sincere - but this watchfulness could easily develop into suspicion and distrust.
Perhaps in the distant past your trust and belief in your fellow man was misplaced and you can now no longer accept anything as it appears to be. You are untrusting and you insist that before you commit yourself to anything, you examine the pro's and con's with critical discrimination. The situation has now progressed to one where you are apt to disagree yet not make any form of constructive criticism to every suggestion that may be put to you. As a result you are in limbo. There is a saying that goes 'The past does not equal tomorrow'. Think about it - and let go.
fhufhasjk;khfkjdksa ouch.
My dad called me last night and begged me (again) to check out screenwriting as a possible career path. I felt an instant surge of nausea in my gut at the idea and coldly shut him down, knowing even as I did it that I was being unreasonable and hurting him when he was only trying to help me find my way. I felt really shitty both about treating him badly and about not wanting to consider the career path he thought I'd enjoy and be good at. So I made myself look into it even though I didn't want to, and the nausea gradually faded. I still don't think it's for me, but I got through that.
That same thing happened with a dear friend of mine a week or two ago. She suggested that I was coasting through life right now and that I needed to get up and get going. She was wrong about the coasting part-- I do have plans, they're just going to take quite some time to put into motion and I'm already doing everything I need to in regards to them-- but instead of explaining myself reasonably first, I got annoyed, shut her down, and then explained myself (badly).
I couldn't figure out why, when I was so clear on what I needed to do, the more people told me to find my path the more awful I felt.
Well, I think I've at least partially figured it out.
It hurts me when people tell me to find my path because it makes me feel like they don't trust me to find it without them flogging me. Everyone seems to think I'm destined for greatness right away, but I'm not. I might get there, but I still have years of learning and experience to go through before I'll have the qualifications I need to do this right. Being a child prodigy is all well and good, it'd get me lots of attention and fame and whatnot, but thinking in terms of who I'm serving-- trying to do it now would be selfish. It'd be fun for me, everybody lauding me and oohing and ahhing over how awesome I am, but because I'm not ready yet, that's all it would be. I wouldn't really be doing much good to anyone but myself.
What's the hurry? Why do I have to push myself every minute of every day just to get where I'm heading an exhausted and jaded wreck? Why can't I take the time to enjoy my quiet, simple life as I build up to my life's work? Why does my road have to be paved with blood, sweat, and tears to be valuable or valid?
Fuck that. Seriously. I'm so sick of people believing they have to suffer to do good in the world, because if it's easy and enjoyable it can't really be worth anything. It just isn't true. I know plenty of people who love their jobs and do great good at the same time. The two aren't mutually exclusive.
The other thing that's bugging me is this: for most twenty-two-year-old girls, becoming Operations Manager of a business and making two to three thousand dollars a month on salary (hasn't happened yet, but it's a done deal come January) would be a pretty nice accomplishment. But for me, all I get is a half-hearted congratulations and a warning not to get 'tied down' to this job.
Well, why shouldn't I let myself get 'tied down?' I love this job. I really do. And bonus, it pays all my bills (and then some!), even right now on my lowly part-time worker wage. When I get my promotion I'll be practically rolling in money. It gives me tons of free time to do whatever I like on the internet, which I've been using thus far to study Japanese (which I'll need for my eventual path).
This job is a gift from the universe, not a threat.
Everybody's different. Some people love to be challenged. They rise to it, they conquer it, they feel awesome. Others prefer to be encouraged and praised and supported that way. I work best with a little of both. The fact is, I can either take pressure from outside or from inside. Not both. If I'm pushing myself to do something, other people pushing me to do it too just makes it too much and I end up having to give up and run. Also, too much praise makes my head swell until I realize that I'm not as wonderful as all that and the come down makes me feel like shit.
That's why I haven't told anyone what my plan for my future is. I don't want interference. I don't need support. I want to do it, so I will. If I need help bringing it to fruition, I'll ask for it. Some of you may remember when I made the post about my spirit animal (the Panther), and how I need to stop talking about my intentions because it weakens them. I'm holding to that. I'm not being secretive or reclusive or trying to make people curious. I'm just doing what needs to be done.
Right now? I can't breathe whether I'm sleeping or awake. Even in my dreams I feel hunted by expectations, both those others have of me (which, to be fair, they've been very low-key and non-invasive about for the most part) and those I have of myself for other people (which are neither low-key nor non-invasive at all).
Have any of you ever heard the saying to whom much is given, much is expected? This saying haunts me. I've been given a lot, and I do plan to turn it around into serving the world when I'm ready to, but I can't escape the feeling that I'm not doing it fast enough or the way that everyone wants me to do it. I feel like I should be sacrificing myself day-in and day-out because I've been so blessed. But really, what's the point of being blessed if I'm exhausted, miserable, and hate the world I'm grudgingly trying to better? I'd be useless and burned out long before I accomplished anything of real value.
About my introvertedness, now-- the colourgenics quiz is only almost right there. It's not that I don't trust people or don't want to commit to things. I'm just very choosy about who and what I commit to and nothing's really been drawing me lately.
I've been reaching out a lot more romantically in the past little while (as you may have noticed with the almost-date-that-canceled-twice and my crushes in Japanese class and making out with my downstairs neighbour). It's been a disappointment to me so far, however, because even though I'm reaching out, I'm not really finding anyone I actually like and want to date for sure. I'm attracted to people sometimes, but not really very strongly, and I can't help but think that I'm only doing it out of the belief that I should be doing it. I feel like if I don't reach out this way, people will believe I'm hiding from the world or that I'm too afraid of being hurt or something. (I am afraid of being hurt, of course, but if I actually met someone I wanted enough to have a relationship with, I'd deal.)
This has led to not wanting to be around people at all. Period. I pushed myself to reach out in a direction I didn't need to go yet, and the rebound of that has me craving solitude so badly it's an actual physical ache. I used to fall asleep every night imagining my pillow as a human companion, a lover who would hold me and protect me as I drifted off. Now I can only sleep if I imagine myself so alone that I can't even sense another human presence anywhere around me, in a place so deserted it would take days for anyone to reach me.
See, I'm open to making connections with people, but not just with any people. There are people I want to know and be known by, and a whole lot of people I don't, and the former are really hard to come by. I'm very introverted right now, it's true, but that's not because I'm afraid to connect. It's because I can't seem to find anyone I actually want to connect with. I'd rather be alone than force myself to associate with people I don't even want to be around. Being alone is wonderful and peaceful for me. I'm at my happiest when I'm by myself. Forcing myself into relationship with people I don't like being around stresses me out, makes me miserable, and drastically reduces the amount of energy I'm willing to give away to others since I need most of it for myself just to deal with said people. It's counterproductive and I'm pretty much done feeling guilty for not wanting to be bestest buddies with everyone who wants to be bestest buddies with me. It just doesn't work.
I feel defensive when I'm accused of hiding from the world when I'm actually not. I do hide from the world sometimes-- when I need time to rest and recuperate-- but a lot of the time when I'm accused of it I'm actually not. I'm just biding my time waiting for someone worth talking to or something worth doing. When this is misunderstood, I get pissy and closed off, thereby convincing whoever's doing the accusing that they're right. I just didn't know how to explain it until now and felt frustrated and helpless because of it.
I just want everyone to back off and realize that unlike a lot of people, I actually pay attention to myself. When I react to something, I take note, and I think about why I reacted that way. People who are unaware of themselves do sometimes need someone outside of them to point out what they're doing and make them aware of it, but I don't. So seriously, everyone needs to back off and let me deal with my issues without the confusion of outside perspective. If it's something I can't puzzle out myself, I'll ask for help. I've put myself in counseling before, I've asked questions of my friends, and I'll do it again whenever I need to. But when I don't need help, don't force it on me. I'll just end up resenting the person as an intrusive, unwelcome do-gooder who doesn't know me as well as I know myself.
I know myself very well. I'm constantly learning new things, of course, I don't know everything, but I need the people I love to trust that I know myself best and let me decide what I need.
*****
Okay, so the basic summary of all of this is:
1.) I know where I'm going and what I need to do career-wise, so I need to ask the people who are pushing me to 'do something with my life' to back off and respect my ability to make good life decisions.
2.) I also need to explain to the same people that just because I'm not connecting with a lot of people doesn't mean I'm afraid to, only that I'm not meeting many people I want to connect with.
3.) I need to respect my need for solitude instead of feeling guilty about it, or it won't be restful and I'll just end up needing more of it.
4.) I have a very deep need to be trusted (easily as deep as my need to be loved).
What I need to do on the four days I have off next weekend:
1.) Go the endowment lands and lose myself in nature for a while.
2.) Do breathing meditation.
3.) Speak to no one.
4.) Write letters to the people I love explaining what I need from them. Possibly send them, possibly not, but either way clarity within myself is needed.
5.) After hours on Thursday before I leave work, go to the top floor where no one can hear me and sing for a while (to clear my lungs).
6.) Do some yoga (to loosen up all the joints and muscles that have become painfully tense from defending myself).
7.) Clean my rooms.
8.) Take a bath with epsom salts to draw out some toxins.
9.) Sleep.
God. I feel about three inches taller and twenty pounds lighter.