(no subject)
“Prime Minister?”
“Mm.” Jim looked up, realising it was nearing the end of the day.
“Would you wish me to purchase your customary Christmas gifts for Sir Humphrey and I while I am out shopping soon?”
“What? Oh yes I- No Bernard, wait.” Bernard stopped and turned back. “It doesn’t seem right just to get you those boring, old customary gifts. You two are my closest friends and allies.”
Bernard stared at him with bemusement.
“You consider Humphrey a close al-“
“Supposed allies.” Jim corrected, then narrowed his eyes, “The pair of you.” Indignation passed across Bernard’s face. “No, I will purchase your Christmas presents myself.”
“Oh thank you Prime Minister.” Bernard looked forward to a proper present from a friend.
“Do you have any ideas about what I could get Sir Humphrey...?” Jim waved his hand in small circles.
“No Prime Minister. I haven’t got him one myself yet...” Bernard knew he would have to soon.
“Right... well, see you tomorrow then Bernard.”
“Goodnight Prime Minister.”
Bernard exited, both of them thinking hard about the two presents they would have to get.
Humphrey, however, had barely registered that because it was December, Christmas was coming. He was blissfully unaware of the entire thing currently.
That soon changed when he walked into the living room later that night and found Bernard tangled in a mess of Christmas lights, tree already up.
“Bernard...”
“Mm?” Bernard looked up, smiling.
Humphrey sighed. “Do you need a hand perchance?”
“Oh, yes. Thank you.”
As with work though, Humphrey only seemed to make things into more of a mess rather than sort them out. Bernard resigned to doing it himself again while Humphrey watched.
“So is Christmas coming then?” Humphrey asked, looking at Bernard’s little box of decorations. He had none himself.
Bernard looked at him, then at the tree. “No.”
“Quite right, what was I thinking Bernard...”
Bernard did eventually get the lights and other decorations onto the tree, before standing back and bumping into Humphrey who stood behind him. He was suddenly lifted high up into the air.
“Wha- Humphrey! What are you doing?!”
“Just putting the fairy on top of the tree.” He smiled and moved to place Bernard upon it.
Bernard struggled away to the ground and went to his box.
“Oh, I’ve lost my fairy...” Bernard realised. Perhaps he would have to sit on the tree himself.
“So what do you want for Christmas this year Bernard?” Humphrey moved closer, cuddling him.
“Well a surprise would be awfully nice.”
“Oh... I...”
“You’ll think of something Humphrey; you always do.” Bernard pulled away playfully and took him by the hand, pulling in the direction of the stairs as it was now late.
“Do I have to get you something? I mean, are you getting me something?”
“Oh yes. And Jim is getting something special for you as well so you’ll need to get a present for him.”
Humphrey sighed. He just didn’t understand the mindset of the children he worked with.
Time did not help his cause either, the next morning catching Bernard who fell off a chair putting up tinsel in Jim’s cabinet office and a few days later walking in to find Jim in a Santa hat.
He was certain that Bernard’s trips into the city in the evenings were to find gifts and began to feel exasperated that he too would soon need to mingle with the thronging plebeians while hunting presents. Giving things away was not something that generally came easily to him after all.
Despite hunting most days, Bernard was finding his task no easier. There were books and such basic things to consider but he wanted his gifts to be special, a proper surprise as he wanted himself.
Jim was also in difficulty, realising he had Annie to shop for as per usual.
Surprisingly, Humphrey was the first to think up an idea for a present but instantly dismissed it as daft.
“Well Bernard can be quite daft at times too...” He mused, setting it as a fallback plan.
Whilst in the average boring meeting with some members of the WI, Jim remembered an old conversation he and Humphrey had had and cackled under his breath at his brilliance.
“Prime Minister? Are you... cackling?”
“Me? No... Just... happy to be here.”
Humphrey decided his fallback plan was daft.
The one he went with was dafter still though.
Bernard’s present done, he moved on to Jim thinking through all kinds of books on political philosophies or ways of controlling Jim remotely.
“Perhaps, a way to brainwash him would be the kindest gift...”
Bernard was having the hardest time of all. With Christmas soon only a few days away, he became somewhat frantic in his search, checking in the strangest of places.
With sudden, Christmas Eve Eve luck, he found what he was looking for.
The four, for they could not forget Annie, met late on Christmas Eve night at a small party in no. 10. They exchanged gifts there, Annie and Humphrey having to slap their partners’ hands away from the little gaps in the corners of the wrapping paper.
Carrying their various packages back to trees, they all returned home, hopefully to get some sleep.
-------
Humphrey blinked himself awake a little earlier than normal, feeling a blue gaze upon him.
“So how long have you been up then Bernard...?” Humphrey sat up in bed, slipping his arms around Bernard’s waist and pulling him in tight.
“Half an hour or so... Can I...?” Bernard looked to the bedpost at the end of the bed. There was a fluffy white rim peeking over it and a red stocking which he knew was just full of presents.
“Yes of course.” Seeing Bernard so childishly happy about Christmas made Humphrey understand the thrill of pleasing a child.
“Aren’t you going to open your’s Humpy?” Bernard pointed to the end of the bed.
Humphrey was surprised to see a similar red stocking with his name on it. It was full as well. A sideways glance at Bernard showed his hidden, devious smirk.
The presents inside were the various books and the like that the pair had asked for or mentioned but not got round to buying during the year.
Nothing incredibly special but it was enough to distract Bernard so that he didn’t even notice Humphrey leave, make a cup of tea and come back to bed.
Enjoying a rare day off, the pair decided to lay in bed a little longer reading.
Humphrey looked from his book to set his cup aside and found a head resting in the open pages when he looked back.
“Mm?” He slid a hand into Bernard’s hair.
“Humphrey... since we have the morning off...”
“You don’t mean have sex in the morning(?!) How unheard of(!)”
Bernard blushed and slid a hand to Humphrey’s waist, entering his dressing gown and stroking the warm, slightly furry part under his stomach before moving lower still.
“Oh Bernard...” He lay down to roll over and pull Bernard on top of him. “Would you like to take me then? As a Christmas treat of course...”
“Of course.” He yanked Humphrey’s dressing gown open and lay himself down on top of him.
Kissing and burying his face in Humphrey’s neck, he felt his bottoms pulled down and the special warmth of skin against skin. As Bernard reached down for that hole, he realised just how much he needed this every time they did it.
As Bernard felt around for the lube between their pillows, Humphrey leaned up on an elbow.
“Perhaps I should have wrapped myself as a present Bernard... Would you have liked that?”
“I already have you Humphrey.” Bernard pushed him down strongly, assertively. He smirked as he “had” Humphrey then.
Despite being shorter than the older Permanent Secretary, Bernard was really thrusting in all the way, rocking Humphrey’s hips up desperately. The heat and friction was already becoming unbearable as the bare skin rubbed together, slickened slightly with lube.
“Oh... ooh... Bernard...” Humphrey came far quicker than expected, the pressure against his prostate just too much.
Bernard caught the semen on his fingers, saving it and lapping it up, the sweet yet salty flavour pushing him over inside.
He came round to Humphrey’s gravelly, morning voice despite his tea.
“That was possibly the best start to a morning I have ever had Bernard.”
“Can we go open presents now?”
“How quickly you change tact Bernard...” Humphrey lamented, amused as Bernard pulled out, slipped his bottoms back on and ran off downstairs.
Humphrey followed, dressing gown open to find Bernard making toast.
“What did you get our precious leader then Bernard?” Humphrey loved the smell of toast but not as much as Bernard’s.
“I’m afraid I can’t tell you that Humphrey.” Bernard flicked him on the nose as Humphrey often did to him.
“Oh well, I suppose the greatest present today is an entire day off with you my dear, lovely, gorgeous Bernard.” Humphrey kissed the nape of the neck in front of him till Bernard began to struggle and chuckle with delight.
Mainly due to Bernard’s insistence, after a shower together they finally got to what he’d been waiting for most of the month.
Christmas presents.
He sat down on the living room floor by the tree, under which were only three presents as neither had had the time to visit family yet.
Bernard thrust his present from Jim at Humphrey who caught it.
“Do you want me to go first perhaps?”
Bernard stared at him expectantly, wondering what their good friend had given him.
An unconventionally wrapped gift, Humphrey opened it efficiently as he would anything, momentarily shocked by what was inside.
“How could he have known...? A leak?”
As Humphrey looked closer, he realised the coincidence was just that.
“What is it?” Bernard asked, kneeling up.
“Close your eyes Bernard.”
Confused, he did so.
He felt the hands round his neck and something left there like a tight necklace. Bernard couldn’t resist opening his eyes to see the collar being put around his neck, a little tag reading “Bernard” of course.
“A dog collar? For me?” Bernard was utterly confounded.
“I mentioned how puppy like you are to the Prime Minister. I guess he took it quite literally...” Humphrey mused. “It looks very good on you.” Humphrey leaned in, taking Bernard’s ear to his mouth. “Hopefully, it will help keep you disciplined for once.”
“Don’t count on it.” Bernard whispered, flicking a tongue out to lick the tendon in Humphrey’s neck.
Humphrey handed him his present from Jim
“Obviously a book...” Humphrey said dryly, judging the wrapped gift easily.
“Not necessarily...” Bernard reminded him. “Oh.”
Humphrey grinned. How could he possibly be wrong?
“Illiud Latine dici non potest”
“You can’t say that in Latin...” Bernard translated easily, flicking through the slightly yellowing pages. Contrary to the title, all the book contained were various phrases in Latin. Some well known, others laughably obscure.
“Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure.”
“And that means?” Humphrey’s skills were not quite that good.
“I can’t hear you. I have a banana in my ear. Oh, I like this one: Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam posit materiari?”
“And that is? Apart from being quite a mouthful...”
“How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?” Bernard dexterous tongue was no match for such a simple toungetwister.
“Ah.”
Meanwhile, Jim was opening his presents from his boys.
He was incredibly surprised by Humphrey’s; “How to run a country.” It was only a small, short book but apparently hand written by the Cabinet Secretary himself. It was no surprise when Jim read some of the instructions inside.
“1. Being a dictator helps.
2. Try to do as little as possible.
3. Have good advisors.”
It went into a bit more depth but Jim had much trouble knowing whether it was meant in jest or not. You never could tell with Humphrey and his secret, strange sense of humour.
Bernard’s gift was more interesting and befitting of his sometimes devious nature. The note with it read,
“This is a lie detector. I have already programmed it to Sir Humphrey for your convenience Prime Minister. Use it as you see fit.
Your loyal Principal Private Secretary Bernard.”
Jim chuckled to himself, wishing he was back in office with Humphrey today to see if it really worked.
Even if it didn’t Jim loved the idea.
In the meantime, having prised the book from Bernard’s hands, Bernard finally handed his small present to Humphrey and blushed.
“I hope you like it... It’s only small but... Oh gosh...” Bernard blushed even deeper as Humphrey leaned in to kiss him.
“I’m sure I’ll love it.”
“You can’t really guarantee that...” Bernard mused as Humphrey undid the ribbon.
“Oh I can...” Humphrey slipped down to the floor to be closer to Bernard.
With some happy trepidation, Humphrey lifted the lid on the small black box.
Inside was a necklace, silver thread. The pendant was of a heart; one half black and the other white. In the middle where they met was a diamond shaped gem of a grey like colour that caught the coloured fairy lights beautifully like a speckled, iridescent rainbow.
“Bernard...” Humphrey let him put it round his neck. “Thank you. It’s... incredible.”
“It’s not much...”
“It is to me. May I ask, what gem is in the middle?” The jewel was a dark grey, verging on almost black.
“It’s a grey diamond. Not that you’re a grey person! I- It just-“ Humphrey kissed him quiet.
“I’m not sure my present to you really compares with this...” Humphrey rubbed his thumb over the smooth pendant.
Bernard began smiling uncontrollably. “Where is it then Humphrey?” There was no presents left under the tree. “Is it sitting in front of me?”
“Not quite.” Humphrey stood and left the room, making Bernard remember the times as a child when parents did that to fetch larger gifts.
He was still wondering what it could possibly be when something knocked him over onto his back on the floor.
“Crikey!”
He sat up a little and looked.
“Oh my...”
“Rruph!”
“You got me a puppy!” Bernard picked up the little thing and cuddled it to his chest.
“I know you said you like cats more but I thought-“
“Oh it’s adorable!” Bernard barely even noticed Humphrey now who sat on the sofa once again. “What kind is it?” Bernard held the puppy away, inspecting it.
“He’s a mongrel of some kind. I didn’t really ask.”
The puppy was small, quite small even for a puppy. It had pointed-up ears and glowing auburn eyes. Overall, it was a slightly dulled orange colour with a white bib and underside like it had an orange jacket on over a white shirt. It was certainly some part exotic as it had a very fluffy tail; long, soft chestnut fur with a white tip.
“Rrrr... Rruph!”
“I made sure it wasn’t one of those little yippy ones. I can’t stand them. Apparently, he has quite a lazy temperament most of the time...” Humphrey mused, watching Bernard conducting a staring contest with it. “What are you going to call him then?”
Bernard looked at Humphrey then back to the puppy, silently staring at him.
“...He reminds me of a best friend I had a long time ago. I think, little one, I will call you Basil.”
“Rruph.”
The puppy, close to Bernard’s face, attempted to bite his nose. Bernard bit back, snapping just in front of the little black one. They traded air-bites for a while before Bernard grabbed his muzzle gently, shutting it. Basil whined and pushed up against Bernard’s hand till he let go.
“Grrr...” The puppy dived at Bernard’s chest suddenly, knocking him over again.
“I didn’t think he was that aggressive...” Humphrey mused.
“He’s just being playful.” Basil curled up on Bernard’s chest and went to sleep. “Oh. I see what you mean about him being lazy.”
“Do you like him?” Humphrey asked, still unsure.
“Of course. I adore him. He’s so perfect...” Bernard picked him up in his hands, barely bigger than a bag of sugar and about as heavy. He moved to put him on the sofa cushions to sleep.
“No Bernard. He’s not allowed on the furniture.”
“But...” Bernard whined.
“No.”
Remembering he still had his own collar on, Bernard went to find a more suitable place for Basil to sleep in the conservatory.
He slept all day in his little bed, waking again at evening time and whining.
“Is he hungry?” Humphrey asked, having never had a dog before.
“Did you buy a leash? I think I need to take him outside...” Bernard walked Basil outside, glad there was a fenced field at the end of the garden for walking him in.
“Now you better do what Humphrey says too Basil; he can be very mean sometimes.” Bernard tapped Basil on the nose when he returned from running round and round in circles. Basil went to nip his finger but Bernard was too quick.
“Why do you insist on biting me? I don’t taste that nice.” Basil dived and pulled at Bernard’s shoelaces.
“You are going to be a handful, aren’t you Basil?” Bernard picked him up and Basil calmed and yawned, signalling he was ready to sleep again “Well when you’re awake at least.”
He carried him back to the house before asking Humphrey who was standing on the patio waiting, “What about when we go back to work? What if he gets lonely by himself?”
“He sleeps all day apparently Bernard. I don’t think he will miss you that much.”
“Still...” Bernard worried but he also knew Basil seemed quite independent. Perhaps he wouldn’t mind too much after all.
It turned out Bernard was right, Basil wasn’t even awake by the time they returned home from work. He fell asleep shortly after they left and slept most of the night as well.
“Are you sure you bought a dog and not a cat Humphrey?” Bernard asked after a week.
“I neglected to check what breed he was Bernard. He could be part cat or even part fox for all we know.”
Humphrey was endlessly telling Bernard to discipline him as Basil ran round the house with Humphrey’s shoelaces in his mouth or jumped up on the sofa to curl up in Bernard’s lap in the evenings.
The only time Bernard ever did discipline Basil was when he had grown a bit and began chasing rabbits in the spring.
After Bernard shouted at him across the field to stop, Basil came back with his tail between his legs and his tummy on the ground.
“No. You do not chase rabbits.” Bernard smacked him lightly on top of the head and Basil whimpered, coming to heel without being taught ever to. Teaching Basil tricks was impossible; he just sat there and yawned before curling up to sleep every time Bernard tried.
Like his master, Basil became a little more devious as he grew, sneaking up and into bed with them at night and working his way between the pair and into Bernard’s arms.
He never did get much bigger than a cat or a small fox though.
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Hope that was enjoyable. I love the idea of Basil Brush and Yes Minister crossover but it would be very hard to do. This was a sort of attempt.