(no subject)
Today was a bit more relaxed than days past. I woke up with the sun and worked at the barn for a few hours, then went shopping for a dress to wear to the wedding. I never found one. Apparently, the typical stores that carry dresses that fit me aren't carrying dressess right now (?). I never found one.. So tomorrow, in the A.M. my sister and I are heading out to search for a dress, with less than 12 hours to go to the wedding. Wish us luck.
At the rehearsal dinner tonight, I was consistently made fun of over many facts:
- That I live in a barn
- That I don't have a boyfriend
- That I generally date guys older than me
- That I will never be happy enough to settle down with a guy.
Now, the first three I can't say much about. I do, indeed, live in an apartment above a barn. I am also single, and have been for almost a year now. I do date guys that range from 4-10 years older than me. I don't look for them, we just find each other and it happens. I wouldn't mind dating someone closer to my age, though I believe that the guys I am generally interested in aren't found in my age group.
The idea that I will never be happy does bother me. I have a fear of commitment, one that developed from being cheated on twice in a four-year relationship, and then having another relationship abruptly end for no apparent reason. Since the latter, I haven't been able to act on any feelings of like, or lust, to any significant extent. I used to be able to tell a guy, while we were cuddled together, that I at least liked him, now I feel as though I'd croak on the words and simply don't say them. If I find a guy I am interested in, I immediately think of either reasons that he would not be interested in me, reasons that I would get bored with him, or I find something about him that causes me to think he's untrustworthy and never look at him as a potential date again.
Take Colin for example.. When he first came, I was still getting over Billy-boy. It was easy to see the 'player' in him, the insecure kid that was still as stuck in his past as I was in mine, and I decided not to sleep with him as well as not get in a relationship with him in a matter of minutes. And that decision hasn't changed. Even when I was drunk and able to let me guard down, I still could not manage to say "I think I might actually like you" instead, I rolled over and said "No. Not tonight. Not even when I'm drunk. Goodnight."
Vulnerability frightens me, much more so than rejection or failure (although, those are the two answers I give when people ask me what I'm afraid of). You can always overcome a failure, but you can never take back a piece of your heart that's been broken when you let your guard down..
Hm. Enough for tonight.
At the rehearsal dinner tonight, I was consistently made fun of over many facts:
- That I live in a barn
- That I don't have a boyfriend
- That I generally date guys older than me
- That I will never be happy enough to settle down with a guy.
Now, the first three I can't say much about. I do, indeed, live in an apartment above a barn. I am also single, and have been for almost a year now. I do date guys that range from 4-10 years older than me. I don't look for them, we just find each other and it happens. I wouldn't mind dating someone closer to my age, though I believe that the guys I am generally interested in aren't found in my age group.
The idea that I will never be happy does bother me. I have a fear of commitment, one that developed from being cheated on twice in a four-year relationship, and then having another relationship abruptly end for no apparent reason. Since the latter, I haven't been able to act on any feelings of like, or lust, to any significant extent. I used to be able to tell a guy, while we were cuddled together, that I at least liked him, now I feel as though I'd croak on the words and simply don't say them. If I find a guy I am interested in, I immediately think of either reasons that he would not be interested in me, reasons that I would get bored with him, or I find something about him that causes me to think he's untrustworthy and never look at him as a potential date again.
Take Colin for example.. When he first came, I was still getting over Billy-boy. It was easy to see the 'player' in him, the insecure kid that was still as stuck in his past as I was in mine, and I decided not to sleep with him as well as not get in a relationship with him in a matter of minutes. And that decision hasn't changed. Even when I was drunk and able to let me guard down, I still could not manage to say "I think I might actually like you" instead, I rolled over and said "No. Not tonight. Not even when I'm drunk. Goodnight."
Vulnerability frightens me, much more so than rejection or failure (although, those are the two answers I give when people ask me what I'm afraid of). You can always overcome a failure, but you can never take back a piece of your heart that's been broken when you let your guard down..
Hm. Enough for tonight.