(no subject)
Okayokay.
What the hell is wrong with my life?
Jason is obviously over with. Apparently. I guess. Not talking I'm assuming means it wasn't working.
Now Bill.
I'll admit it. I never fully got over him. I moved on. I moved on because I thought that was what he wanted. I thought he would rather be good friends than a couple, since that's how he left it. Actually, he just left it. Pointblank. We didn't talk except once every couple of months (through last semester and the summer) when I would call him to see how he was, how his bullfighting was going, etc.
This semester, however, he's been an active member of both of the clubs we're members of. And we hang out in groups after the meetings. And HE actually calls ME every now and then. We were talking a couple of times a week and I thought "Okay, I can do this. As long as he stops making those damn comments about 'Yeah, she's a young'n, and I used to date her' or 'Oh, she's not like that. I should know. I dated her' I can do it without getting a queasy feeling." But I still did. Every time I looked at him I felt my heart jump in my throat. But I got used to the pain. I did that a long time ago.
Sometimes, though, he'd do the little things we did when we first dated. Pinching each other, grabbing my hat, tickling me, propping on my shoulder. And I'd want to shake him and ask him if he knew how much it hurt me.
Then Jason comes along. Yes, I liked Jason, and chances are I still would, but I feel like he was backing out. And that sent up defense mechanisms. And that made me forget about him. That made me push whatever feelings for him to the back.
But Bill found out about Jason (by his own reasoning o.O)...
GEH.
Where am I going with this?
At any rate - Bill was doing the same things we always did last night, but more so than usual lately. He put his arm around me, and kept it there ... He didn't back away like he was afraid I'd get the wrong message, rather, he kept it there like he was hoping I'd get the right one.
Oh God. When we first ended up by ourselves, hugging, I wanted to slap him. Probably because I was so fucking confused, and so fucking scared that he was just going to tease me and leave it at that. Most likely, though, it's because I was so fucking scared that he wasn't just going to leave it at that.
And he didn't. That would have been too easy.
He asked if we could try again. Didn't it hurt me enough the first time?
I know I'm going to get hurt again. Damnit, I know I am, but at least I'll be ready this time.
He said it wasn't my fault the first time, he just didn't think he'd have time for a girl.
??
What?
That's what boys say when they graduate high school and leave a girl behind.
Couldn't he think of something better?
I don't know what made him change his mind. I don't know if it was jealousy, or if he truly does like me.
I just know I'm scared.
And I know it's going to hurt.
What the hell is wrong with my life?
Jason is obviously over with. Apparently. I guess. Not talking I'm assuming means it wasn't working.
Now Bill.
I'll admit it. I never fully got over him. I moved on. I moved on because I thought that was what he wanted. I thought he would rather be good friends than a couple, since that's how he left it. Actually, he just left it. Pointblank. We didn't talk except once every couple of months (through last semester and the summer) when I would call him to see how he was, how his bullfighting was going, etc.
This semester, however, he's been an active member of both of the clubs we're members of. And we hang out in groups after the meetings. And HE actually calls ME every now and then. We were talking a couple of times a week and I thought "Okay, I can do this. As long as he stops making those damn comments about 'Yeah, she's a young'n, and I used to date her' or 'Oh, she's not like that. I should know. I dated her' I can do it without getting a queasy feeling." But I still did. Every time I looked at him I felt my heart jump in my throat. But I got used to the pain. I did that a long time ago.
Sometimes, though, he'd do the little things we did when we first dated. Pinching each other, grabbing my hat, tickling me, propping on my shoulder. And I'd want to shake him and ask him if he knew how much it hurt me.
Then Jason comes along. Yes, I liked Jason, and chances are I still would, but I feel like he was backing out. And that sent up defense mechanisms. And that made me forget about him. That made me push whatever feelings for him to the back.
But Bill found out about Jason (by his own reasoning o.O)...
GEH.
Where am I going with this?
At any rate - Bill was doing the same things we always did last night, but more so than usual lately. He put his arm around me, and kept it there ... He didn't back away like he was afraid I'd get the wrong message, rather, he kept it there like he was hoping I'd get the right one.
Oh God. When we first ended up by ourselves, hugging, I wanted to slap him. Probably because I was so fucking confused, and so fucking scared that he was just going to tease me and leave it at that. Most likely, though, it's because I was so fucking scared that he wasn't just going to leave it at that.
And he didn't. That would have been too easy.
He asked if we could try again. Didn't it hurt me enough the first time?
I know I'm going to get hurt again. Damnit, I know I am, but at least I'll be ready this time.
He said it wasn't my fault the first time, he just didn't think he'd have time for a girl.
??
What?
That's what boys say when they graduate high school and leave a girl behind.
Couldn't he think of something better?
I don't know what made him change his mind. I don't know if it was jealousy, or if he truly does like me.
I just know I'm scared.
And I know it's going to hurt.