no pity- just need to vent
Not depressed. Just sad. Insomnia has begun to overpower the sleeping pills.
Last night my father and I got into it pretty hardcore. I may be moving out again sometime in the near future. No matter what I have to say or what my opinion may be, if I don't see exactly eye to eye with him then I'm wrong and when I'm wrong that means I'm going to screw up my future. He doesn't want me to make the same mistakes that he made. Of course he loves me and wants the best for me. He supports me in whatever I do, so long as I do it the way he thinks I should. I don't feel like I live my own life rather than just go through the actions to please others. I just want to make him proud- but no matter what he'll find a way to point out how I could be doing things better.
Things have been particularly tough since Adam left for SanFran. He's been a little distant and very distracted, which is to be expected of course... but just because I expected it doesn't mean it's not still hard. He'll be back the 30th, shortly after we head on the road, then I'll be back by the 9th of next month. We'll probably be seperated for the remainder of the summer. My seperation anxiety has been growing. Last night he got tanked and called me to let me know he was sleeping in bed alone. That's a good thing right? I guess....I felt worse when I got off the phone then I did before I spoke to him. He said he'd talk to me first thing in the morning. It's 4:21 and I haven't heard from him yet, which isn't like him.
I'm giving a lot right now. I can't say I'm putting everything into life, but damned near close. I feel like it's not good enough. No matter what I achieve, people will shrug it off saying they knew I had it in me all along. If I screw up those same people will shrug it off saying that it doesn't really surprise them. Either way, no one really gives a damn. You get older and you realize you're not the center of the world. I got over that a while ago. I just want to take care of whatever task is at hand, do it well, and have those who rank above me be proud. In reality either no one takes note or I end up screwing it up and having to sit through a lecture explaining how I've only made things worse in some way.
My manager is not happy with me. My father is not happy with me. I'm not a great student. I'm not a great artist. My voice doesn't sound like an angels. I have no idea what's going on with Adam right now, but I know he's not bursting at the seams with lust for me at the moment. I have no idea where I'm headed in life, what I want to do, or where I want to end up. And as for all of my friends. You're all great people who I care for very much. However I feel as though I care for people more than they care for me. I haven't felt this alone in a very long time.
_end
Last night my father and I got into it pretty hardcore. I may be moving out again sometime in the near future. No matter what I have to say or what my opinion may be, if I don't see exactly eye to eye with him then I'm wrong and when I'm wrong that means I'm going to screw up my future. He doesn't want me to make the same mistakes that he made. Of course he loves me and wants the best for me. He supports me in whatever I do, so long as I do it the way he thinks I should. I don't feel like I live my own life rather than just go through the actions to please others. I just want to make him proud- but no matter what he'll find a way to point out how I could be doing things better.
Things have been particularly tough since Adam left for SanFran. He's been a little distant and very distracted, which is to be expected of course... but just because I expected it doesn't mean it's not still hard. He'll be back the 30th, shortly after we head on the road, then I'll be back by the 9th of next month. We'll probably be seperated for the remainder of the summer. My seperation anxiety has been growing. Last night he got tanked and called me to let me know he was sleeping in bed alone. That's a good thing right? I guess....I felt worse when I got off the phone then I did before I spoke to him. He said he'd talk to me first thing in the morning. It's 4:21 and I haven't heard from him yet, which isn't like him.
I'm giving a lot right now. I can't say I'm putting everything into life, but damned near close. I feel like it's not good enough. No matter what I achieve, people will shrug it off saying they knew I had it in me all along. If I screw up those same people will shrug it off saying that it doesn't really surprise them. Either way, no one really gives a damn. You get older and you realize you're not the center of the world. I got over that a while ago. I just want to take care of whatever task is at hand, do it well, and have those who rank above me be proud. In reality either no one takes note or I end up screwing it up and having to sit through a lecture explaining how I've only made things worse in some way.
My manager is not happy with me. My father is not happy with me. I'm not a great student. I'm not a great artist. My voice doesn't sound like an angels. I have no idea what's going on with Adam right now, but I know he's not bursting at the seams with lust for me at the moment. I have no idea where I'm headed in life, what I want to do, or where I want to end up. And as for all of my friends. You're all great people who I care for very much. However I feel as though I care for people more than they care for me. I haven't felt this alone in a very long time.
_end