(no subject)
Before I went home this summer I told my friend that this summer was going to help me find out more about myself. So far, it hasn't. I don't feel like I'm acting like myself at all and I'm doing things I told myself I would never do. I hate being inside my house but it's where I can't get away from. My body is aching all the time and I can never concentrate on one thought for long enough. I keep asking myself if this is what depression would feel like but then I tell myself not to ask that question. I just need some time away from every person and experience something new. I want that feeling when I was on the bike going down the hill with all the wind hitting me all the time.
I don't have anyone that I can talk to about stuff like this because I don't think anyone understands. Who would have known that because she didn't come home that night my whole life would be changed? When I talk to people about Erika and they tell me about someone they lost and try to relate, I know they're just trying to help but it's not the same. I sound like an arrogant, ungrateful prick when I say that but it's how I honestly feel. The only person that is on some level with me and that I can talk to about Erika is Jackie, just because of what she's been through and she was there for me when it happened. It still hurts more than anything that none of my friends came to help me out during that time; kids from school that I wasn't even really close with came to the wake to help me out but none of my "best" friends did. I guess that's life though, but I know if something that terrible happened to one of them I'd be there for them in a heartbeat.
I'm really glad that I'm actually able to talk to Jackie again, I thought at one point that we really were not going to talk again. With time I've been able to realize that I was an asshole and how sudden I ended things was a real bitch move on my part. I'm glad that she's able to be happy and see past how much of a dick I was and that she can take me back into her life as a friend. That rules.
By this time I'll be at camp in Rochester. I really can't wait to go, one to get away and two just to have that experience. I don't care what people think about what I'm doing or about the people at the camp, because they all deserve the same chance as someone walking down the street to be respected as an individual with creativity and a rational mind. It's so important for me to try and work with kids with disabilities because my Nana has been without her legs for over a decade but lives an amazing life. I have a picture of her and Barack Obama on my dresser, she's been in local newspapers and everyone in town knows her for the bumper sticker on her wheel chair, "Shit Happens". Everything that I do is for her, and working at this camp this summer is one more thing I'm gladly doing with her on my mind.
After camp, I've pretty much limited my options between getting a tattoo or I'm going to go to Vermont for a couple of days. I want to stay in a hostel for a couple of days and just walk around the Forest State. I'll be able to have that sense of new experience for a couple of days and just walk through the woods for a couple of hours then go back to the hostel and read. I'd be pretty close to New Hampshire or Boston, so I'd either go to Nana's or hang out in Boston for the afternoon then take a bus home. It'd be ideal if someone wanted to go with me, but no one would want to leave Deer Park to go to Vermont.
That's it for now
I don't have anyone that I can talk to about stuff like this because I don't think anyone understands. Who would have known that because she didn't come home that night my whole life would be changed? When I talk to people about Erika and they tell me about someone they lost and try to relate, I know they're just trying to help but it's not the same. I sound like an arrogant, ungrateful prick when I say that but it's how I honestly feel. The only person that is on some level with me and that I can talk to about Erika is Jackie, just because of what she's been through and she was there for me when it happened. It still hurts more than anything that none of my friends came to help me out during that time; kids from school that I wasn't even really close with came to the wake to help me out but none of my "best" friends did. I guess that's life though, but I know if something that terrible happened to one of them I'd be there for them in a heartbeat.
I'm really glad that I'm actually able to talk to Jackie again, I thought at one point that we really were not going to talk again. With time I've been able to realize that I was an asshole and how sudden I ended things was a real bitch move on my part. I'm glad that she's able to be happy and see past how much of a dick I was and that she can take me back into her life as a friend. That rules.
By this time I'll be at camp in Rochester. I really can't wait to go, one to get away and two just to have that experience. I don't care what people think about what I'm doing or about the people at the camp, because they all deserve the same chance as someone walking down the street to be respected as an individual with creativity and a rational mind. It's so important for me to try and work with kids with disabilities because my Nana has been without her legs for over a decade but lives an amazing life. I have a picture of her and Barack Obama on my dresser, she's been in local newspapers and everyone in town knows her for the bumper sticker on her wheel chair, "Shit Happens". Everything that I do is for her, and working at this camp this summer is one more thing I'm gladly doing with her on my mind.
After camp, I've pretty much limited my options between getting a tattoo or I'm going to go to Vermont for a couple of days. I want to stay in a hostel for a couple of days and just walk around the Forest State. I'll be able to have that sense of new experience for a couple of days and just walk through the woods for a couple of hours then go back to the hostel and read. I'd be pretty close to New Hampshire or Boston, so I'd either go to Nana's or hang out in Boston for the afternoon then take a bus home. It'd be ideal if someone wanted to go with me, but no one would want to leave Deer Park to go to Vermont.
That's it for now